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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No set bedrooms?

226 replies

SouthernFashionista · 14/11/2021 17:42

In a court case that is currently ongoing there was mention of a situation where individuals in a house had no set bed or bedroom and everyone just slept ‘wherever’. The thoughts of it bothered me. I think every child needs their own space. I know it’s clearly symptomatic of a chaotic household and lifestyle. Is this something many of you have come across? AIBU for being shocked?

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 14/11/2021 19:59

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Without that I fear utter chaos and, no doubt, serious implications for their well-being.

You haven't acknowledged that it's totally normal in many cultures for people not to have their own beds and to sleep wherever they fancy each night.

Is this a cultural thing? (That’s a genuine question) I know some cultures share beds, rooms etc. But do many cultures, when they have access to multiple beds\rooms still choose to not have regular spaces to sleep for each individual?
MimosaFields · 14/11/2021 20:00

@TurnUpTurnip

On MN every child has their own room apparently yet most people I know in the real world their kids share.
Nobody is taking about sharing a room. That's common in many families. We are taking about not having a bed that you can call your own. Even if that bed is shared, it's still your bed.
shouldistop · 14/11/2021 20:01

I think people are misunderstanding the op.

My MIL has 2 sisters and 2 brothers. Growing up they had a 3 bedroom house (they were lucky). The sisters shared a double and the brothers shared a double. In their rooms they had a chest of drawers and a small wardrobe. They each got a drawer for their things and space in the wardrobe to hang clothes up.

They had their own defined space in the house. It wasn't much, but each child knew where they slept and they had a small space to put their things.

Not chaotic or neglectful. A normal working class upbringing in Glasgow 1960s.

That's not what the op is describing.

BloodinGutters · 14/11/2021 20:01

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Without that I fear utter chaos and, no doubt, serious implications for their well-being.

You haven't acknowledged that it's totally normal in many cultures for people not to have their own beds and to sleep wherever they fancy each night.

I don’t know enough about cultural implications but I guess I’d wonder if that comes into play sometimes.

Doesn’t sound like it with the ops description though.

At one point when we moved when my twins were little we had two double futons down in one room. The kids had been climbing out of cots in the previous house and were still often in our bed nursing over night and we opted for this for ease initially (as needed to buy our own furniture for the first time also).

But it worked we kept it for a year. Just two double futons on the ground, nothing else in the room outside of extra thick mattresses and duvets and pillows. But it worked well because I could nurse both or either and dh could snuggle one to sleep sometimes and eventually they learned to settle without nursing. Eventually we set up toddler beds with a single futon in between so we could take it in turns to settle them and sleep in for a bit if needed, and we set up our own bed in another room. And then they got drawers and toy box etc in there eventually.

But if we kept having kids I would have been inclined to keep sleeping like that. Because it worked out that both me & dh got more sleep that way, without feeling isolated from each other. So if we had several kids spread out in age I could see us keeping a ‘sleep room’.

When I read about cosleeping being the norm in other cultures I kinda wonder if it’s the same sort of set up. And how long it suits them to bed share this way. Because I guess -although the op definitely sounds chaotic -it might not be for everyone whose families sleep this way longer term.

But that’s off topic somewhat.

BigYellowHat · 14/11/2021 20:01

At my step kids house they change bedrooms regularly. What makes it sadder is 9/10 it’s when the ex has got a new boyfriend so she wants a new bedroom for a ‘new start’ 🙄 The kids are used to it now and just pack up their rooms at the appropriate time.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 14/11/2021 20:03

A child needs their own bed. Regardless of co-sleeping/small spaces/overcrowding etc. A child must have a bed - if it is a shared bed eg two kids in a double fine but they need their own bed, regardless.

Helpstopthepain · 14/11/2021 20:12

I find it shocking. It sounds chaotic.

We did sharing rooms, little ones swapping beds, co-sleeping and all of that but this is different, I would imagine combined with a bigger story it’s very much neglect.

Helpstopthepain · 14/11/2021 20:12

@BigYellowHat that’s awful

HideousKinky · 14/11/2021 20:14

My DH was raised in Singapore in the 60s - one of 7 children living with his parents & his grandmother in a 2 bedroom flat. His parents had one bedroom with the baby and his grandmother shared the other with his eldest sister. The rest of them rolled out a mattress each in the living room when it was bedtime. He never speaks resentfully about any of it, saying it was just the way it was because they were very poor.

He said it was hard finding peace & quiet to study but somehow he managed to win a scholarship to a prestigious university in this country. When I first knew him he could fall asleep with any amount of light and noise because he was so used to it

ShinyHappyPoster · 14/11/2021 20:14

I think you're conflating two issues OP and I can't tell whether you're doing it on purpose or not. Large families often share rooms and even if they have their own 'space' depending on who is at home, etc, then people can end up sleeping in different rooms or sharing beds. It's not 'chaotic' or 'abusive'.
You also don't seem 'shocked' . You seemed wedded to an idea that DCs sleeping in different beds can only ever be neglect and that 'chaotic' can only mean bad. As for your comment about discussing British 'culture', there are lots of different cultures within the UK. If you didn't mean to be racist then you might want to rethink how you word your posts.

tractorsatdawn · 14/11/2021 20:23

I knew a family growing up where there was no set place to sleep in effect, in practice, as in though they all had their own rooms that was ignored, they habitally took over each other's as though there was no set place. 8 kids. blended family. very wealthy.

lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/11/2021 20:23

@ShinyHappyPoster

I think you're conflating two issues OP and I can't tell whether you're doing it on purpose or not. Large families often share rooms and even if they have their own 'space' depending on who is at home, etc, then people can end up sleeping in different rooms or sharing beds. It's not 'chaotic' or 'abusive'. You also don't seem 'shocked' . You seemed wedded to an idea that DCs sleeping in different beds can only ever be neglect and that 'chaotic' can only mean bad. As for your comment about discussing British 'culture', there are lots of different cultures within the UK. If you didn't mean to be racist then you might want to rethink how you word your posts.
I disagree with you and I think that you are jumping to "racist" because it's an easy argument with which to willfully misunderstand the OP's point. It's clearly about children not having their own space, quite why you are conflating this with sharing a bed is unclear. I personally think that for children, chaotic means bad.
lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/11/2021 20:26

@ShinyHappyPoster weird that you don't seem to think that British culture exists? Why is that? There are cultural norms in the UK same as everywhere else. Your tea probably will come with milk, that sort of stuff. You probably have a bed where you usually sleep. It's a cultural norm in the UK. Saying that is true, not racist.

SamPoodle123 · 14/11/2021 20:32

hmm we have musical beds in our house. We live in a 5 bedroom house and have 3 kids and a dog....everyone seems to bed hop. Everyone has their own room they mostly sleep in, but sometimes we end up sleeping in other rooms...same with the kids. The dog seems to bed up all night long from one room to the next. She spends a couple hours in each room so she can spread her love to everyone. The only room she doesnt go into is the baby room, which we keep shut for now for obvious reasons as we do not want her waking the baby.

debbrianna · 14/11/2021 20:32

Reading your op gave me anxiety. When I was younger, I lived with a few uncles and aunties. Most of the time I shared a bed with one of their children in the household.

However, this was the arranment and you didn't feel like you never had where to sleep or put your bag. Having no arrangement at all sounds like chaos and I agree with your op. Having lots of people living underr the same room/space should not negate having personal space you have everyday or the side of the bed you assign yourself.

Yes! Every child deserves their own bed.

shouldistop · 14/11/2021 20:34

@SamPoodle123

hmm we have musical beds in our house. We live in a 5 bedroom house and have 3 kids and a dog....everyone seems to bed hop. Everyone has their own room they mostly sleep in, but sometimes we end up sleeping in other rooms...same with the kids. The dog seems to bed up all night long from one room to the next. She spends a couple hours in each room so she can spread her love to everyone. The only room she doesnt go into is the baby room, which we keep shut for now for obvious reasons as we do not want her waking the baby.
Clearly not what the op is talking about. Your children all have their own spaces. Small children going in their parents bed in the middle of the night or in with a sibling is not unusual or chaotic.
PriamFarrl · 14/11/2021 20:42

You can be a loving, engaged and nurturing parent trying to do the absolute best for your kids and still end up skint as fuck and in a shitty housing situation.

This has little to do with money. Very well off people can live in very chaotic household.
Yes it’s so much harder to provide a bed and bedclothes for your DC if you are skint, I’ve known households where the child’s room is a bare mattress on a bare floor but it was still a space of their own. I’m not saying it’s ideal but don’t confuse having disorganised and unloving household with a poor one.

SouthernFashionista · 14/11/2021 20:43

Seriously @ShinyHappyPoster ? An accusation of racism? Talk about a leap. I’m not even going to go there. Talk about wilfully misunderstanding me.

OP posts:
ViceLikeBlip · 14/11/2021 20:43

My kids seem to chop and change beds all the time (but they do agree it amongst themselves), sometimes they set up a camp bed in someone else's room, sometimes they swap for a whole week, and more often than not at least one of them ends up in my bed. But they each have their own nominal bed, and section of the room where they stick up their own posters and head teacher's awards and stuff.

I can't imagine a healthy household where each child just slept in whichever bed happened to be free. It implies to me that there aren't even enough beds for the humber of people, otherwise why wouldn't they have "their own" bed?

Cordeliathecat · 14/11/2021 20:49

Everyone sleeps wherever in this house. We all have our own bedroom where we keep our personal belongings but we don’t necessarily sleep there. We have a large 5 bed house. We are a family of 4 with 2 guest rooms. Sometimes kids share a room, sometime one of them is in with us, sometimes we are all separate. We are not a chaotic household, but the whole house is all of ours and each one of us can sleep where we like on any given night. I don’t think that’s weird or neglectful.

Laney39 · 14/11/2021 21:00

I'm following this court case as well and the fact the kids had no fixed beds shocked me too. It isn't a cultural thing in this case , the mother leaves the kids to go out drinking all weekend with older kids looking after younger ones. There is no set routine or structure of any kind and social services have been involved. Of course kids messing around swapping beds or Co sleeping isn't abuse but in this instance it seems like the kids just fall into any free bed they can find at whatever time they fancy

julieca · 14/11/2021 21:03

@Cordeliathecat so your kids cant insist the bed in their bedroom is theirs? If another child nabs it first, then tough luck?

Itawapuddytat · 14/11/2021 21:05

I encountered a couple of families with a very chaotic lifestyle. No routine, no allocated beds or bedrooms for anyone (not even for the adults, people worked shifts so different people came and went at various hours), no bedtime, the children would go to sleep whenever the children were tired wherever there was some space (with either a parent, or sibling(s), grandparent etc), things were spread everywhere in the house in all rooms, no quiet space for homework anywhere. The children were clean, well-fed, very loved but it was very difficult for them and for the parents to follow a routine, the kids were very often late for school, went to bed at random hours, woke up at random hours, no regular meal times etc a very chaotic home.

TirednWorried · 14/11/2021 21:10

My child doesn't have a bed.... We cosleep didnt realise that was neglect

I think it is . A child of 4 should have there own bed even if they dont want to sleep in it. The option should be there for them to not have to cosleep

TurnUpTurnip · 14/11/2021 21:13

@TirednWorried

My child doesn't have a bed.... We cosleep didnt realise that was neglect

I think it is . A child of 4 should have there own bed even if they dont want to sleep in it. The option should be there for them to not have to cosleep

Well unfortunately I have an autistic child and she can’t she a room with her because she is aggressive, I don’t work because of my child’s needs and can’t afford a bigger house, she wasn’t diagnosed when we moved, there is no space for a bed for her, seems so do think it’s neglectful to bed share!
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