No set bedrooms?

[SouthernFashionista]

In a court case that is currently ongoing there was mention of a situation where individuals in a house had no set bed or bedroom and everyone just slept ‘wherever’. The thoughts of it bothered me. I think every child needs their own space. I know it’s clearly symptomatic of a chaotic household and lifestyle. Is this something many of you have come across? AIBU for being shocked?

@NoKnit no one is removing a child because they don’t have their own bed.
The case was about a baby who was murdered and the set beds wasn’t even in reference specifically to children. The adults in the house didn’t seem to have set bedrooms. Adults would come into the house after a night out and sleep wherever there was space. Besides the serious child abuse did not happen in the chaotic house. The house where it occurred they did have set bedrooms and the child was put in a strict routine and left to cry in her cot to get her in the routine.

Op said own SPACE not own ROOM.
I grew up in a house with 10 people and 2 bedrooms and I did have my own mattress even if I didn't have own room. Odd to just sleep in random places

Children need a regular sleep space. Whether this is a parents bed, or their own. They need to know where the space is for them, not that they'll be turfed out regularly for someone else or forced to share with an older opposite sex relative etc.

This.

I think it comes down to the child's consent.

Plenty of children co-sleep with their parents until fairly late. My DD is 10 and still does this a couple of days a week but she has her own bedroom. And obviously plenty of kids share bedrooms.

But I do think where possible a child should be given some designated space (and ideally a bed) and not be expected to bunk up somewhere as an afterthought to where the adults are sleeping.

@TurnUpTurnip

I hate the every child needs their own space, try living in a council house children are expected to share rooms

Sharing rooms is fine. But not having a designated bed is chaotic and disturbing.

@Whatinthelord

I think we need more clarity from op.

Not having a place to sleep, or any safe/comfortable space is obviously different from sharing a room or do sleeping.

I don’t think conflating the two is useful.

I thought my post was clear. I am not referring to cosleeping. I am talking about a child not having a set place to sleep that they can call their own. It’s not about sharing a room either, it’s simply having space that is for them. Without that I fear utter chaos and, no doubt, serious implications for their well-being.

As A school counselor, I once interviewed a child who was referred for sleeping in class. She said she was sleepy because she couldn't go to bed until the boarder was asleep. I asked if the boarder was very loud. She said 'no, but she didn't like getting into the bed until he was asleep'.
Grandmother had rented out the little girl's bedroom to an adult male - complete with little girl.
Phone call, CPS visit, removal of little girl from the home. Grandmother kept the boarder because she needed the money.

@NoKnit

Honestly I think that is mad. A child doesn't need a set bed or bedroom to be raised properly. This is a rather ignorant and first world problem if you ask me. Am I understanding it correctly a child could be taken away from a parent due to no set bed or bedroom? I find it very strange. Please excuse me if I have misunderstood

On its own it might be considered unusual but not necessarily a problem.

As part of a wider picture it might be one of many seemingly small things when looked at individually, that all together demonstrate neglectful parenting.

So

Child doesn’t have a bed the can identify as theirs
Child is often found asking friends to share food items
Child is routinely dressed in ill fitting, stained or dirty clothing.

These could all be absolutely fine
The child might bed share with a parent for medical or cultural or emotional reasons
They might ask friends for food because their parents have strict healthy eating rules
They might wear hand me down uniform and come to school by walking over the fields with the dog, stopping at the park to play if they have time.

Or they might be neglected.

Or the family might be struggling because of poverty, illness/disability, divorce, bereavement, or a multitude of other reasons.

It’s a single factor that might be looked at to paint a full picture of if that child is appropriately cared for.

I think I got what you meant op, but the post title referenced bedrooms hence maybe why people started talking about shared rooms etc.

I totally agree that ideally children would have a regular safe defined space to sleep in.

I think it says everything about the "parents" if their children have no set bed to sleep in. (Obviously not co-sleeping!)
Appalling parenting skills.

I have experience working with Children's Social Services in a previous job.

I was told where possible a child should have their own space to sleep - so a bed or mattress with their own sheets and space for their clothes and a few toys even if those toys end up being shared with a sibling and over the age of 4 (so roughly school starting age) should have a choice as to whether they sleep there unless medical need dictates a different arrangement.

So when my DD had an operation and I put her in my bed for a few nights because I'd wake up if she had any issues that was seen as medical need to share with me so was fine, same with head injuries but in the normal run of things my DD should have a choice whether to get in my bed or not.

Even at 7 my DD still chooses to share with me sometimes.

we didn't have our own beds growing up.
there were enough beds and bedding, just not your own. very few personal possessions as well.
never had social services involvement as were well fed and outwardly doing great.

it feels very unsettling and it's mentally hard work.

sharing bedrooms is fine imo
nor having any space they can call their own is.
the least a child needs is their own bed.

I think the point being made is that in some dysfunctional families it's a case of the person who gets to something first uses it whether it's beds, clothes, personal items. I've met families where the first child up in the morning grabs clean clothes from a heap and if the others don't get any clean then they dive into the 'dirty' pile. The same with beds, if you get into a bed it's yours otherwise you might not get into a bed for the night. It really is chaotic and symptomatic of not understanding the needs of the children.

I've seen it a lot in overcrowded homes or separated parents.
Mostly with people on UC who can't afford a larger property.
Parents sleeping on sofas, sharing with kids, kids without a wardrobe or somewhere quiet to do homework.

It's very common.

I feel like I know which case this is referring to, and it think it's a factor which can paint a picture of a chaotic lifestyle, but on its own might be ok. Lots of families on here will say their children like to swap beds, share rooms and beds ad hoc and I also enjoyed that as a small child. When children are older though, and it's not that they choose to share a bed with their sister that night but that there isn't a place for them to have as their own then that is a problem. Their own space can be sharing a room with a parent or sibling, but just being able to go to "their" bed when they want I think is important.

So it's not ideal but it's (rightly) far below the limit to remove children from their family, and in an otherwise loving home, the research generally shows that children are better off with their birth family even if not in the ideal circumstances. Other than advising parents that it would be optimal if children had their own space, I don't think there's a solution.

@DoctorWhoTardis

I think it says everything about the "parents" if their children have no set bed to sleep in. (Obviously not co-sleeping!) Appalling parenting skills.

You clearly don't have a single clue about the reality of life for many families.

You can be a loving, engaged and nurturing parent trying to do the absolute best for your kids and still end up skint as fuck and in a shitty housing situation.

Get informed ffs.

I worked with a family like this. Not only did they not have their own sleeping spaces but none of the bedrooms had doors. The children were all well cared for in all other practical ways and knew they were loved but the parent's relationship was deeply dysfunctional.

@TurnUpTurnip

I hate the every child needs their own space, try living in a council house children are expected to share rooms

but even when children are sharing bedrooms, they can still have their own beds. I used to share a bedroom with my sister, I had the top bunk and she had the bottom one. We had our teddies in our own beds.

I would of hated not to have my own space as a child especially a teenager. My kids love having their own rooms to go too and I need it too when they are being naughty lol. I love going to bed early and watching a film. That is my space.

I get what you’re saying op. It’s a case of basically there being multiple bedrooms, but not specifically allocated to any particular person. Just whoever bags the bed first on a night. It happens I guess in dysfunctional families, whereby there’s no proper parenting taking place, and children are more or less bringing themselves up. It’s a really sad situation, but i’ve no doubt is something that happens more than what we think.

To further add, it's not to do with overcrowding but is more not understanding the needs of the child and making no effort to rectify the situation. IYSWIM

I’m so curious.
Is this a case in the news as people seem to be aware of it?

I voted YABU, because you are fairly sheltered if you are shocked that this happens in some families. But yes it is a sign of neglect.

shiningjustforyou I think you’re misunderstanding what doctorwhotardis is saying. It’s not about kids sharing a room or having their own space. It’s about families where their kids don’t have their own bed, and just sleep randomly on a bed, a sofa, but not the same bed regularly. That’s got nothing to do with sharing a bed with a sibling or parent, but is just general lack of parenting

This was the norm at my in-laws. They all lived together (parents-in-law, brothers-in-law with families and the kids slept wherever they felt like it - either in parents-in-law's room or with their own parents or on the sofas. There was no neglect but it was definitely s chaotic household (although a very close loving one)