No set bedrooms?

[SouthernFashionista]

In a court case that is currently ongoing there was mention of a situation where individuals in a house had no set bed or bedroom and everyone just slept ‘wherever’. The thoughts of it bothered me. I think every child needs their own space. I know it’s clearly symptomatic of a chaotic household and lifestyle. Is this something many of you have come across? AIBU for being shocked?

@toastofthetown

I feel like I know which case this is referring to, and it think it's a factor which can paint a picture of a chaotic lifestyle, but on its own might be ok. Lots of families on here will say their children like to swap beds, share rooms and beds ad hoc and I also enjoyed that as a small child. When children are older though, and it's not that they choose to share a bed with their sister that night but that there isn't a place for them to have as their own then that is a problem. Their own space can be sharing a room with a parent or sibling, but just being able to go to "their" bed when they want I think is important.

So it's not ideal but it's (rightly) far below the limit to remove children from their family, and in an otherwise loving home, the research generally shows that children are better off with their birth family even if not in the ideal circumstances. Other than advising parents that it would be optimal if children had their own space, I don't think there's a solution.

But choosing to swap beds, still means that a child has their own bed. Children need their own bed, and their own space for their possessions. That might be a shelf in a shared bedroom, or a bedside table, but they still need something that is theirs.

@TurnUpTurnip

On MN every child has their own room apparently yet most people I know in the real world their kids share.

Not true at all. But they have something to call their own.

How old is your child?

The idea of sleeping anywhere is odd and understandably would be a red flag to various agencies. On the other hand siblings sharing a room is common as is whole families sharing a room when placed in unsuitable housing by local authorities etc I know a few people who are mad on co sleeping and wonder what age that is appropriate to continue too. Would co sleeping be seen as acceptable if there was a father but no mother?

@TurnUpTurnip your child still has a set place to sleep though. The OP is talking about a child not knowing where they can sleep each night.

I used to babysit for a family who lived in a house with enough rooms for the mum and kids (no dad) but they all slept in the living room in a circle around a pile of clothes. There had been deep trauma in their past and they all felt safer sleeping near each other.

@TurnUpTurnip

I'm derailing it? 😂 people keep commenting on my.post. I'm simply stating not everything is black and white and sometimes there are reasons why kids don't have their own bed. People are free to continue commenting on the original post rather than my com ment

But you're wilfully missing the point that everyone is making.

Many 4 year-olds sleep with a parent.

Does your child have anything to call her own? A cupboard? Drawers? Bookshelf? Toybox?

I think a chaotic home is neglect.
And no children don't need their own room. But they should have a bed that is theirs. They may end up in mums bed halfway through the night, but they still should have their own bed.

I’ve known plenty mums at bf groups who had a sort of bed hoping arrangement going on. So they’d be nursing the baby to sleep in one bed while dh settles another in it’s own bed and then he beds shares with the middle toddler. Then mum has to swap and go to nurse the teething toddler so he sleeps in the other room with the baby in the cot. And so on. So sleep arrangements happen wherever the family can get most sleep.

They’ve all had their own space though. Maybe not set ‘bedrooms’ always but there’s been a kid play room with closets etc in it ready to put kid beds in once the kids are ready to sleep more independently.

@julieca "I think a chaotic home is neglect."

Not in my experience. My in-law's household was chaotic due to the number of people lived there, but they all loved each other. The kids were fed, clothed and had electronic equipment etc. It just wasn't a calm, structured household

@julieca But choosing to swap beds, still means that a child has their own bed.
Children need their own bed, and their own space for their possessions. That might be a shelf in a shared bedroom, or a bedside table, but they still need something that is theirs.

I know, which is why I said there is a problem when children, especially older, don't have a bed to call their own even if that bed is in a shared room. It is one factor in a picture which might need further intervention. But I still think that in isolation, there's not much that can be done other than advising the children's parents to allocate the children space. I believe (as does general research, let alone the capacity of social services in the UK) that it would do more harm to remove children from their parents because of lack of allocated beds alone.

@NoKnit

Honestly I think that is mad. A child doesn't need a set bed or bedroom to be raised properly. This is a rather ignorant and first world problem if you ask me. Am I understanding it correctly a child could be taken away from a parent due to no set bed or bedroom? I find it very strange. Please excuse me if I have misunderstood

Ok Mr. Jefferson.

@BloodinGutters Bed hopping is common with young children. But yes everyone has their own bed. The situation the OP is talking about is where no bed belongs to anyone. You just go and sleep wherever you want.

[quote XelaM]@julieca "I think a chaotic home is neglect."

Not in my experience. My in-law's household was chaotic due to the number of people lived there, but they all loved each other. The kids were fed, clothed and had electronic equipment etc. It just wasn't a calm, structured household[/quote]
It doesnt sound that chaotic if all the kids were regularly fed okay food and clothed in clean clothes.
If you just mean by they were fed, that they didn't die of starvation because they would grab some biscuits, and they put on dirty clothes, then yes that is neglect.

[quote XelaM]@julieca "I think a chaotic home is neglect."

Not in my experience. My in-law's household was chaotic due to the number of people lived there, but they all loved each other. The kids were fed, clothed and had electronic equipment etc. It just wasn't a calm, structured household[/quote]
But calmness and structure is surely far more important than ‘electronic equipment’? That does sound neglectful to me.

Without that I fear utter chaos and, no doubt, serious implications for their well-being.

You haven't acknowledged that it's totally normal in many cultures for people not to have their own beds and to sleep wherever they fancy each night.

And a child would not be taken away from parents in the UK because of not having a bed. It would take far more than this.

It's terrible that councils don't house people with enough bedrooms for each child. Although I suppose the answer is to only have as many children as bedrooms allow in your council property

In that case, I shall do so

I think it’s clear that I am talking about British culture here.

Sorry that was in response to @CloseYourEyesAndSee

@GeorgiaGirl52

As A school counselor, I once interviewed a child who was referred for sleeping in class. She said she was sleepy because she couldn't go to bed until the boarder was asleep. I asked if the boarder was very loud. She said 'no, but she didn't like getting into the bed until he was asleep'. Grandmother had rented out the little girl's bedroom to an adult male - complete with little girl. Phone call, CPS visit, removal of little girl from the home. Grandmother kept the boarder because she needed the money.

Christ, that's utterly horrific. Poor little thing.

@Lemonlady22

It's terrible that councils don't house people with enough bedrooms for each child. Although I suppose the answer is to only have as many children as bedrooms allow in your council property

That is indeed the answer. Bizarre that this concept should be branded "terrible".

@TurnUpTurnip

On MN every child has their own room apparently yet most people I know in the real world their kids share.

This isn’t about sharing rooms. It’s about a household where no one has a set room. There are just bedrooms with beds in them and everyone sleeps where there is a space.

My child has her own en-suite bedroom that’s designed in her choice but still plays musical beds!!! Her choice would be a sleeping bag in a different room each night!!

As a small child I hated sleeping on my own: occasionally if I was really upset my dad would sleep in with me. But I was generally not parented at nighttime. By the time I was a teenager I loved my space and spent a lot of time reading in my room. But then we moved to run a small hotel and suddenly I lost my space - I slept in whatever room wasn’t being used, in the bathroom or in a caravan with my family. I hated it. I have my own family now and I crave my own space that I can retreat to and be alone - and of course I don’t have that now either. My most peaceful time was when I lived alone. I need a space just for me and feel unsettled without it.