His dd doesn't like my work

[Farfrom006]

Ok, I'm turning to the lovely Msnet because this has really got under my skin and I can't find another perspective by going round my own head...

My dp lives far from me with his dd. She is 17 in Yr13. He told me that in a heart to heart she said (about me) that it's a 'shame I'm a maths teacher' this was very recently after some lovely time together and an evening out with old friends of her parents, where I'd driven up just for this.

As far as I can tell he didn't defend me, just says yes but she hates maths.

Thing is he knows how bloody hard I've worked up from being a cleaner and dinner lady when we met. I've worked really hard, got my degree at 45, maths qualifications at 46, maths PGCE at 49. I'm a single parent to 2 boys and have done this so we're better off - not because it's my 'calling'. I'm a remedial tutor in school now, it's a good contract.

I feel really disappointed and disrespected by this comment.

Im keeping how I feel to myself but find myself increasingly resentful. We don't see one another very often she is highly dependent on him. I don't know how to be listened to without it rocking the boat for him.

Right, I'll shut up now as I think I'm starting to ramble. Thanks for reading and any comments

As a fellow teacher, I’d encourage you to get a much thicker skin when it comes to being offended by comments from immature teenagers! It’s got nothing to do with insulting your hard work and single parenting and everything to do with her not liking anything to do with maths. Not you. Maths and the teaching of maths. In the same way I used to hate a certain boring sport that my ex was literally a pro in. Not him, the sport.

It wasn't "teenagers" though, it was her partners daughter. Obviously very different particularly when her DP didn't challenge it.

She doesn’t stop being a teenager just because she is the daughter of the man OP is dating.

She just means she hates maths. Don't take it so hard she doesn't know what effort it took you.

I'm not sure why he told you that. What was his motive?

He sounds tactless. And it's strange to me that he classed that sort of conversation a heart to heart.

@Blush21

I think you need to make it clear to him and his DD how disrespectful it is, just because she ‘doesn’t like maths’! What a ridiculous reason. Goes to show at 17 she still has an awful lot of growing up to do and the real world needs to hit her. I’d explain the hard work it took to be a teacher and tell them both to respect it or get lost

"The world needs to hit her" is a horrible thing to say. Of course she's immature she's 17. A child. I doubt she'll care about teachers efforts until she's well out of university and sees her own friends becoming teachers - most of us don't until then.

She made an off hand comment because she dislikes maths.

She just doesn't like maths, it's nothing to be even remotely offended over. Don't worry.

Perhaps it was meant to be a light hearted comment? Your DP had no reason to tell you. Why does your job matter, it’s not like you throw random maths questions at her, I assume!

Even if she did say it the fact he’s telling you is powerplay. Seems like he wants to lower your confidence. Are you a higher achiever than him?

And it's strange to me that he classed that sort of conversation a heart to heart.

"Daaaaaad. She's a teacher. Why did you have to pick one of them?"

Worried about change, about sharing a home with a woman who is used to being in charge... Visions of home becoming like some classes she attends. Normal stepfamily stuff.

I really don’t think this is a problem. She hates maths and it was probably said with a laugh.

It’s not like being a maths teacher will in anyway way come into your relationship with her. Being a maths teacher isn’t in the slightest controversial.

I would genuinely think no more of it.

I question whether you are still in the early stages of your relationship? Because if so then insensitive comments without meaning passed on by your boyfriend are just going to continue and possibly escalate, perhaps as an unconscious boundary test. I'd say it's fine his daughter feels the way she does, everyone's entitled to their opinion and it sounds like generally she's happy with you but has maths anxiety from school. Your partner is the issue here imo. Talk to him about pointless comments and expect it to stop because he's a fully grown adult able to monitor his actions and if he can't do that then I'd leave.

None of her business OP

I'm sure I'm not the first person to say this on this thread, but yes, most teenagers hate maths. I think I would have just laughed at that comment tbh.

YABU and appear to be trying to find a reason to be offended. She obviously, tongue in cheek, is just referencing the fact she doesn’t like maths. Don’t be ‘that’ partner who over analyses everything their partner’s DCs say and do.

She’s just being an arsey teenager who thinks everyone and everything is lame.
Honestly, get a grip. It doesn’t matter what she thinks about your job. How do you manage to deal with children everyday with such a thin skin?

I would feel more weird about the fact that your partner told you this, especially if it was “ in a heart to heart” conversation. Why would he want you to know what his teenage daughter thinks of your profession? Do you suspect he shares the same opinion, that’s why you are hurt? I would ask him why did he feel the need to tell you this.

I don’t think she is the problem. To me the problem is that he didn’t highlight the path you’ve trodden when she made a flippant comment. YANBU to be annoyed about that. You’ve worked far harder and bettered your outcome in life far more than many and, like you say, it wasn’t even your ‘calling’; it was simply a logical way to ensure a better life for you and your dc. I do think he should have opened her eyes to this. Life is tough; there are survivors and sinkers and you are definitely in the former camp.

Yes who cares what she thinks and whether she hates maths, it literally doesn’t matter. Bit of a weird way to judge someone so I could let it slide from her.

I do think it’s really strange that he hold you though, what was he expecting you to say? To bow down to her daft little comment and have a chuckle? Says more about him than it says about her.

The only way this was a 'heart to heart' with his daughter is if she's said a lot more and he told you that as a leading statement but you didn't follow the script and ask for more detail.

Do you think there was something else he wanted to tell you?

And congratulations on all that you’ve achieved!

Why did he tell you? It was a stupid immature comment to make.

That's the red flag, not that she has a childish dislike of maths teachers

17 year olds are very shallow. I wouldn’t take it personally. She’ll understand the value of a good teacher one day.

He shouldn’t have told you. He probably didn’t realise you’d be hurt by it though and regrets it now. She will also think differently when she grows up. She could have said so many more hurtful things that were very personal.

Glad you can see more clearly now.

In my family this would have been a deadpan joke. But even if deadly serious, she’s 17.

Remember to teenagers, adults are impenetrable, unharmable. The people who “do” stuff to them or “make them” feel stuff rather than 3D people with histories and feelings. It’s pretty normal at 17.

So take a big breath, have a nice walk and let it go. You don’t need a 17yr old to admire you. You’re admirable all by yourself

Wow! Lots of support. Thank you all, I'm listening. Big change of perspective for me.

It's so appreciated being able to share this and get to new ground. This is a wonderful place to come for advice.

My conclusion is: I don't know what either of them meant. I don't know the whole context.

This is just a mind worm, a distraction and unanswerable thing. I call myself out on fixating on this. This is where my problem lies.

For those who think teachers should have thick skins, I kind of disagree. I'd hardly be a teacher if I didn't know how to filter but I'm not walking ego either and
the angry disenfranchised students stay in the room with me, I understand the signs and how to help and I'm privileged to have an understanding of what struggle really is. My boys say, 'but you're not like other teachers' so I'll keep my sensitivity for when it's appropriate.

So, I call myself muppet and thank you all again x