Men in the female changing rooms!

[ewchoc]

I know this has been done to death, but I'm sat here waiting for my children to come out of their swimming lessons and getting increasingly annoyed at the number of men in the female changing rooms.

Tiny swimming pool attached to a school with two small changing rooms, clearly marked male and female. Every week there are at least one or two men who insist on bringing their daughters (all under 7) into the female side to change before & after lessons. It's just one open space, no cubicles or individual spaces, and my DD (9) is getting more and more anxious having to change in front of these full grown men!

Am I being precious or should I ask them to use the men's? Their attitude is that it's their daughters who are getting changed, so they can't take them into the male side with all the boys!

YANBU. I would complain and also speak to individual men if I saw them doing this.

If fathers are bringing daughters swimming then the options could be:

• to get changed beforehand
• change under a poncho/towel
• ask a female friend to help

If none of these will work, then the centre should provide some kind of space for changing to happen. But grown adult men in the girls' changing room would be a definite NO from me.

If it is closed to the public why on earth would the dads feel the need to use female changing??? Very thoughtless off them.

I can only assume their dd doesn't want to change in front of other boys so they should understand other girls won't want to change in front of them.

I would also complain to swimming lesson organiser as I doubt school have much to do with it as a private let.

I would say "You are in the wrong changing room, this is for women, not men."
Then wait for them to leave.
If they don't I would say it again.
If they try to argue say
"My daughter does not want you in here. You are making my child feel uncomfortable. You are in the wrong changing room."
Then I would complain like fuck until somebody stopped men going into the female changing room.
They need to take their children into the men's changing room.

If it's not fair for their daughters to get changed around men, why do they think it's ok for other peoples daughters to get charged around THEM in the ladies? This would absolutely infuriate me and I'd be telling them very loudly that it's unacceptable.

@DeJaDont

If it's not fair for their daughters to get changed around men, why do they think it's ok for other peoples daughters to get charged around THEM in the ladies? This would absolutely infuriate me and I'd be telling them very loudly that it's unacceptable.

But that's the point isn't it, the facilities aren't suitable and unless that changes there is no way that all the children can feel comfortable.

@Onlinedilema

I would say "You are in the wrong changing room, this is for women, not men." Then wait for them to leave. If they don't I would say it again. If they try to argue say "My daughter does not want you in here. You are making my child feel uncomfortable. You are in the wrong changing room." Then I would complain like fuck until somebody stopped men going into the female changing room. They need to take their children into the men's changing room.

During swimming lessons it's for children surely, boys and girls, why would an adult woman be getting changed during children's swimming lessons?

Don't you have any empathy for the little girl who doesn't want to go in the male changing room?

This system isn't right but it is the system not the individuals.

As women, we now have to accept women with penises (yes, I know) in our changing rooms if an establishment deigns it.

I am wondering how men see this.

Do they see one kind of penis owner is allowed access and women can say nothing, hence it's perfectly fine to expect women to tolerate all kinds of penis owner in their naked spaces with zero right to complain..

@ancientgran it’s very well accepted that little children under 8 can change with the opposite sex and this is allowed in every changing room I’ve been in.

My husband would never do this. He would never dream that it would be acceptable for him to go in the ladies.

In this instance he would put our daughters swim wear on under her clothes… and then at the end wrap her up in a towel and dressing gown etc and get her showered and changed at home.

@ewchoc let's be clear that this is about a false perception of danger because a man in a changing room with his own child, with other adults around, is absolutely no threat to any of the other children in there. None whatsoever. And think of your own daughter - would you rather her father take her into a changing room with other girls her age who are changing, or into a changing room with other boys her age who are changing? I am not telling you that you aren't allowed to be uncomfortable but (absent of small private rooms) the only other solution I see is for the girls who are there with their fathers to go to the male changing room to change with other boys their age. You don't really think that should happen, do you?

My daughter was a bit shy and in the same situation I would have (and did, for example at the beach, or at a pool we used to go to when visiting relatives in a Scandinavian country, with parents and children of both sexes in a family changing room) just sat on a bench and make a little towel tent around her while she stood between my legs. No one could have seen anything but her head unless they were a foot away and looking right down at her. Might be something you can try.

Since covid my kids go to swimming with their togs on and pop a poncho on to run to the car afterwards.

This is the solution this dad needs if his child can’t manage alone.

It's a no win moving the girl to male changing room moves the problem .The girl doesn't want to get changed with the boys.

With only 2 changing rooms the only solution is for the parents to bite the bullet and arrive swim ready and changing poncho .

Just curious- what on earth to do transgender women have to do with any of this? Did I miss a post where someone said that any of these mothers, fathers, or children were trans?

@Itsnotallaboutyoubaby

My husband would never do this. He would never dream that it would be acceptable for him to go in the ladies.

In this instance he would put our daughters swim wear on under her clothes… and then at the end wrap her up in a towel and dressing gown etc and get her showered and changed at home.

I used to take my kids to their swimming lessons by bus, the thought of them standing at the bus stop in November wrapped up in a towel but with wet swimming stuff underneath doesn't sound great to me. Apart from the fact that at 4 and 7 I couldn't have carried both of them.

I bet your husband would have the use of a car.

let's be clear that this is about a false perception of danger because a man in a changing room with his own child, with other adults around, is absolutely no threat to any of the other children in there. None whatsoever.

It's a MASSIVE safeguarding issue, actually. And what about little girls who don't want to be naked/half naked in front of grown men? I would have been mortified and devastated, personally. It's horrible and scary and of course it's a safety issue, too. There's lots of dangers here - from a man perving, to him grooming girls to think it's okay for them to be naked in front of him, to touching etc etc. Just because a man has a daughter doesn't make him exempt from normal safeguarding rules.

@RubyTuesday70

It's a safeguarding issue that these men are present when other young girls are getting changed. And what a message to send to young girls who may feel uncomfortable in their presence.

Press the school, and use the word safeguarding.

It is not a safeguarding issue for god's sake. It is a room full of adults with their own children getting changed and while some people may be uncomfortable with the situation, no one is unsafe. No one is in danger. "Safeguarding" is not a magic word that you sprinkle on any complaint you feel like making if you want to make sure you get your way.

[quote BungleandGeorge]@ancientgran it’s very well accepted that little children under 8 can change with the opposite sex and this is allowed in every changing room I’ve been in.[/quote]
Doesn't mean the child is happy with it though does it.

It is a safeguarding issue if there are unaccompanied girls in the female changing-room. For everyone else, it's a privacy issue.

@beastlyslumber

let's be clear that this is about a false perception of danger because a man in a changing room with his own child, with other adults around, is absolutely no threat to any of the other children in there. None whatsoever.

It's a MASSIVE safeguarding issue, actually. And what about little girls who don't want to be naked/half naked in front of grown men? I would have been mortified and devastated, personally. It's horrible and scary and of course it's a safety issue, too. There's lots of dangers here - from a man perving, to him grooming girls to think it's okay for them to be naked in front of him, to touching etc etc. Just because a man has a daughter doesn't make him exempt from normal safeguarding rules.

But everyone thinks it is OK for the little girl with her father to get changed in front of grown men. It goes both ways and as I've said it isn't the individuals at fault it is the facilities being inadequate.

the only other solution I see is for the girls who are there with their fathers to go to the male changing room to change with other boys their age. You don't really think that should happen, do you?

yes, yes I do. Children too young to change alone go to the changing room of their guardian's sex. And little boys go to female changing rooms if they're with their mums.

At our swim school you go straight into a changing room from the outside and you have to walk through a changing room (either girls or boys) to get to the pool. There's not always a third option. And a lot of people on this thread are assuming everyone is in a 2 parent family with a car. Our facility was recently totally refurbished but it is still designed like this and with no cubicles!

My children used to have lessons in a similar set up, ie SEN school renting facilities to swim school. It stated clearly on each changing room door that no people over the age of 8 of the opposite sex were allowed in. So dads take girls under 8 into the men's if they still need help. Mums with boys under 8 take them into the women's. Children over 8 go to the correct changing room.

But everyone thinks it is OK for the little girl with her father to get changed in front of grown men.

No, I don't think that's okay, either. Scroll back and you'll see the potential solutions I think the fathers should try.

Kids under 8 use the changing room of the sex of the adult helping them. If they need help, or go on their own to their own sex changing rooms.
Children over 8 use their own sex changing rooms.

If a child over 8 can't change themselves then special arrangements need to be made.

I have 3 boys and a girl, that is what happens with us. My DD isn't happy when dad does swimming, but tough. The boys coped on their own from 8. (The youngest DS went into the male changing alone a lot earlier because he didn't want to be in the girls.)