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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 14/11/2021 04:07

Surely it's possible for you to cope well. I had a one week old daughter, who my Late Husband delivered on the back seat of our car, and three days later, he had to go on a business trip to the USA for 6 days, We also had a son who was just over three years old. Both our parents lived about 150 miles away, so had no help at all.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/11/2021 04:18

Just give him a cold, OP. @PlanDeRaccordement doesn't think anyone with one should even leave the house, let alone get on a plane: whereas someone who has just had a c section and has a toddler, should be absolutely dandy and possibly slotting in some shifts at the local food bank and training for the Highland Games, on the side.

notplacemarking · 14/11/2021 04:18

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?
I had an EMCS with my first and a ELCS with my second. My recovery from the first was textbook - up and walking around that day, only needed paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain. I naively thought that my recovery was going to be just as easy with the elective but oh ho ho ho I was mistaken. The pain was a lot more noticeable and long-lasting, and I needed the stronger drugs for much longer. Lifting my then-2-year-old was completely off-limits for a good 3 weeks and I was unable to drive/do a supermarket shop/get out of bed unassisted for ages too. Really took me by surprise. It was fine with the support of my husband but would have been almost impossible without him. Like you, our families are not close by. Unless you can arrange for one of your parents to be there for the 4 days (and be certain they would actually help) then it’d be a firm no from me.
YukoandHiro · 14/11/2021 04:22

It's a ridiculous plan. Your baby isn't even here yet. You might go overdue, the baby might need NICU. You might not even be home from hospital.
Tell him to think about it - and you - a bit.

notplacemarking · 14/11/2021 04:23

@1forAll74

Surely it's possible for you to cope well. I had a one week old daughter, who my Late Husband delivered on the back seat of our car, and three days later, he had to go on a business trip to the USA for 6 days, We also had a son who was just over three years old. Both our parents lived about 150 miles away, so had no help at all.
Surely you can see the difference between when OP is having a c section and he’s husband is going away on a jolly rather than a business trip? Honestly, some people on this thread are obtuse to the point of trolling Hmm
BlusteringBoobies · 14/11/2021 04:26

@1forAll74

Surely it's possible for you to cope well. I had a one week old daughter, who my Late Husband delivered on the back seat of our car, and three days later, he had to go on a business trip to the USA for 6 days, We also had a son who was just over three years old. Both our parents lived about 150 miles away, so had no help at all.
Completely different scenario. Work trip providing for the family vs optional wedding jolly for friend her DH isn't that close to.

Did you also have a c section to recover from?

God so many posters with the attitude: 'I did it so OP should', 'single mums do it'...

It is not a race to the bottom. OPs DH has a clear choice here and he is choosing to leave her post operative without the ability to pick up her toddler whilst also caring for a 2 week old.

No, sorry...unless it's absolutely required I don't think you're unreasonable to ask him to decline the invite.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/11/2021 04:27

@MissCruellaDeVil

They're your children, I'm sure you'll be fine!
Well done for identifying the salient point. The OP was probably unaware that they're 'her children'.

They're also his. So he'll 'be fine' to miss the wedding of a non-close friend in a foreign frigging country, and look after them.

HazeltonLane · 14/11/2021 04:34

Why is he so keen to go to the wedding? Is it an opportunity to make or strengthen contacts/deals that will help his career?

If that is the case it will obviously benefit the whole family, so I think it would be reasonable to have the children on your own for 4 days.

LetHimHaveIt · 14/11/2021 04:48

'Why is he so keen to go to the wedding? Is it an opportunity to make or strengthen contacts/deals that will help his career?

If that is the case it will obviously benefit the whole family, so I think it would be reasonable to have the children on your own for 4 days.'

Yes. That's a very plausible contingency. And the touted 'benefit' so easy to measure! So silly of the rest of us not to think that networking might be the reason he's so keen 🙄 Quite frankly, an OW at the wedding is marginally more likely. And I don't for a minute think there's an OW, so . . .

Lemonsandlemonade · 14/11/2021 04:49

In theory yes you could cope but post c section anything could happen.

The question is why should you have to? I couldn’t have lifted a 3 year old 2 weeks after section. It would have pulled too much and my recovery was super.

Faevern · 14/11/2021 04:54

No fucking wonder new mothers feel inadequate and men feel entitled reading some of the shite replies on here.

On what planet is going to a wedding abroad, or any wedding, more important than staying at home with your wife and new baby?

Why do some women still look for excuses to enable men? Why do some women still look to belittle other women?

DuggeeHugPlease · 14/11/2021 05:17

@Cheekytea

As you got So much notice why can't you arrange for family to come help ? Surely either Nan would wanna meet their new grand baby for few days
Surely the babies actual father would want to spend time with them?! Perhaps the OP isn't that close to her mum/MIL and doesn't want to be in such a vulnerable state with anyone other than her husband? Perhaps he should step up and take his parenting responsibilities seriously rather than shifting the work to another woman.
Jeds55 · 14/11/2021 05:43

It's shit that he's even considering it. I'm having a c-section next week and have a 3 year old too. The thought of being left alone with them both 2 weeks in fills me with dread. Neither of you know how your recovery will go, how your first is coping with the transition, how baby will be - my first was in NICU for 3 days after birth, then hospital for a further 5 days. Ridiculous that it is even being discussed, anything that close to the birth should hsve just been a flat out no.
All the posters saying they coped blah blah are meaningless- you shouldn't have to - the wedding is a planned event and optional.

myheartskippedabeat · 14/11/2021 05:44

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
More a case of him being unreasonable

I'd be concerned if this was his priority as to where you and the kids are in his pecking order

It won't kill him not to go to a wedding

I'd be having a "a you serious about us and our family chat" (if not your dumped kinda conversation tbh!)

hibye123 · 14/11/2021 05:52

@SmellyOldOwls

Tell him to GET TO FUCK!
ASAP!😂
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2021 06:09

Ah diddums. You’re having major abdominal surgery because he ejaculated inside you. He doesn’t want to miss out on a 4 night, 5 day piss up. Poor him. Sad

Turtles25 · 14/11/2021 06:11

You'll be absolutely fine. I had a newborn and a 13mth old. I survived to tell the tale haha.

If you don't want him to go, tell him.

Shapesandcolours · 14/11/2021 06:13

Going to the wedding would be utterly selfish. Of course he shouldn't be going - he will be the father of a newborn and a likely confused 3 year old, never mind his responsibilities as a husband. Why should his desire to go to the wedding come above all that? Totally mad. Even the wedding of a close friend taking place abroad wouldn't be a good enough reason IMO. He has his priorities all wrong and I'm sorry some people here are trying to tell you he's doing nothing wrong. He is being selfish and irresponsible.

dchange · 14/11/2021 06:39

The issue here is how helpful is he when around. If my husband is really helpful and I know when he gets back he would go above and beyond I honestly see no issues with this. Also, he sounds a little considerate as he is not going for the stag do. I know some men that will go do all.

Staryflight445 · 14/11/2021 06:47

Your husband is putting a wedding before you and your child.

It’s not something I could forgive if I’m honest. You’re so fragile and emotionally vulnerable after birth, you’ve got the recovery of a major operation to undergo too.
What a selfish pig.

GobletOfIre · 14/11/2021 06:51

So him partying is more important than your health, your toddler and his newborn baby?

PurBal · 14/11/2021 06:57

Hell no. Also, what if you have a c section?

Sceptre86 · 14/11/2021 06:59

I had a 15 month old dd when I had my second section and two weeks after my ds was born my dh had to go back to work. I had no choice but to pick her up and do all her care, as a result my stitches spilling and my overall recovery was longer than the first time. Repeat sections are in my experience harder because with a toddler and newborn you simply won't be able to sleep when baby does. If my dh had proposed this I would be very hurt and expect him to take one for the team and miss the wedding.

Papierdecoupe · 14/11/2021 07:02

Absolutely no way. I probably could have managed with a sleepy one week old newborn and my toddler for one night. But by 2-3 weeks my sleepy newborn had full blown colic and screamed every waking minute. It wouldn’t have been fair on me or my toddler if my DH had left us for any overnights until baby passed that phase. It was horrific. I can’t believe anyone would ever consider what he’s proposing as reasonable. I’d be very upset that he’s even entertaining it.

CheddarGorgeous · 14/11/2021 07:05

YANBU and if he is normally responsible I think he's probably not thinking straight. Don't try to argue with him, just state "of course t won't be possible to go, you will be needed here to look after your children. No one would expect otherwise."