Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

It's a 4 day foreign holiday for an acquaintance's wedding - completely unnecessary of him to go and not at all appropriate to even suggest it.
OP mentions that he was 'Dad of the year' so the question I would ask is, why is he so desperate to go to this wedding at such a critical time for OP and the family? It makes no sense.

No I don't blame you. Yanbu!

2-3 weeks post csection with a 3 year old to boot? Hell no. What the hell is he thinking? You won’t be able to pick the 3 year old up and you won’t be able to drive. And that’s just for a start.

Of course he shouldn't be going off on a jolly.

His first priority is to you.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

For heaven's sake. She may be able to, or maybe she won't. She will still be recovering, from a childbirth that hasn't been determined yet. The baby could, quite possibly be a week old

Without the csection I’d have been fine if we could afford it. I have no idea what you can and can’t do with one though.

They're your children, I'm sure you'll be fine!

Single mums do it all the time

I have actually met an old Chinese woman who gave birth and was up working in the field that very day, but outside of women in war situations it is not normal for a woman to be left alone in a situation such as this.

Burn his passport
(Only half-joking)

Using his paternity leave for a wedding?! doesn't get any classier then that!

I might understand or go along with his plans IF this was a bf who'd saved his life way back when, but it's not and he's just being self absorbed.

It's a no from me and yes, you could cope but who wants to just cope when you could be having lovely snuggle times as a family

@Coyoacan

Single mums do it all the time

I have actually met an old Chinese woman who gave birth and was up working in the field that very day, but outside of women in war situations it is not normal for a woman to be left alone in a situation such as this.

That's extreme though, isn't it, and I'm not sure how it's relevant to OPs issue. It's very common for women who have no partner to do everything after their baby is born - including after a c-section, and with existing DC to parent too. But with a partner present he should be stepping up not buggering off to a wedding.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Because she'll be recovering from birth?? At 3 weeks pp my 2 year old developed scarlet fever.. I was establishing breastfeeding, recovering from a nasty tear.., my DH was back to work and coping through the day was hard enough!!!

@thepinknecklace

Where is the wedding?

Can he drive and come home?

I would’ve been ok with mine at newborn and age 4 and after a c section. Quiet day in and chill out. Up to you though

From OP... Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away)

Very different to a day away and back in the evening!

@PlanDeRaccordement

You cannot plan and execute a straightforward birth with no aftercare on the exact due date though, can you?

No. But that’s not the question is it? The scenario is OP with newborn and 3 yr old for 5 days/4 nights. Single mums do it all the time. Besides, the DH is going to a wedding. It’s not like he can change the dates!

Erm.... not like op can change her birth either?!!! Ffs! You are being a dick... I'm tempted to report you for being a troll!

@PlanDeRaccordement

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

If the birth went traumatically, then I would expect my DH to cancel and stay. But to say up front don’t go because what if this and what if that seems very pessimistic.

She's having a c section. She won't be able to lift her 3 year old. For four days... is that safe or fair or realistic in your eyes?!

YANBU at all particularly as you're having a c section.

The scenario is OP with newborn and 3 yr old for 5 days/4 nights. Single mums do it all the time

They really don't, most single mums aren't single with newborns. i'm a single mum and look after my young kids 80% of the time on my own. Looking after a newborn and a 3 year old for several nights on my own after major surgery sounds like a new level of fresh hell to be honest. If I was ever in a position where I was flying solo with young kids after surgery I would enlist help/childcare/insist their father took time off to care for them, no way would I be pushing myself to do it on my own.

@WonderfulYou

She's having a bloody c-section and she has a toddler!!

And he is a father with a toddler, a newborn and a post-operative wife.

He needs to act like it

A tit-for-tat night away is not the answer

Surely he’ll be back at work by then, so how will she manage if she can’t do one day by herself?

Four days!

I’m sure you’ll manage. But why should you have to? You’ll be knackered! You need help. Of course he shouldn’t go. He’s not thinking (if anyone but himself)

We don’t know how the toddler will cope with all this. Suddenly a new baby taking up all the time and then dad being away and mum can’t lift them and 3 year olds in general are always one moment away from a cataclysmic meltdown - why should OP have to deal with this so he can go to a party? After having major abdominal surgery? Why should the toddler?

It’s not like being left alone with a newborn only and I think it would be shit enough if he did that when it was so soon after a CS.

@eddiemairswife Why the hell can't you figure out the answer to your sanctimonious question? A two week old baby AND a toddler!?

No way

What a selfish prick

I’d be terrified too. I remember that panicky feeling when dp went back to work after two weeks with both of dc1 &dc2, and that still has him back in the evening to help with dinner and bed! My dp is taking 3 weeks with dc3 as 2 weeks never felt like enough, and I know he wouldn’tgo away for a few nights for a wedding at this point, no matter how much he wanted to. Dads need to parent too and if theres a dad around it’s not fair they ask anyone to parent alone for days with a baby that age, not to mention a toddler.

You'll be fine What are you worried about exactly?

I had 2 under 2 and regularly left alone. DH was away for a week in India on business a few weeks after i gave birth to DC2. Couldn't have cared less!
Hooray for you but other people have other experiences, and going away for work is a necessity and going away for a wedding isn’t.

Perhaps the OP is worried about: how her 3yo will be feeling with the displacement of new baby and absence of dad. Whether the baby will be a colicky nightmare goblin. How she’ll manage on very little sleep, cluster-feeding, recovering from major abdominal surgery, and looking after a preschooler. That sort of thing. Two weeks after birth is such a bleedy, leaky, knackering time for the mother and a relentlessly milk-poo-scream demand time from the baby. It’s a selfish time for him to go away for a jolly.

Personally after my C-section I was in hospital for several days then wasn’t able to leave the house til day 12, and then only for a very short, very slow walk. If I’d had a 3yo too and no help they’d have been climbing the walls by day 4. I’d have been sobbing round the clock.

@nc198567

You'll be fine What are you worried about exactly?

I had 2 under 2 and regularly left alone. DH was away for a week in India on business a few weeks after i gave birth to DC2. Couldn't have cared less!

She's having a c-section! And going away for work is very different to pissing off on holiday.

I have a 3 year old and a 7 week old. I had an emergency section but no issues with my recovery really apart from low blood pressure for a couple of days. There’s NO WAY I would have agreed to my DH going away for 4 days only two weeks post birth - at that point I was still in some pain, couldn’t lift the 3 year old, not allowed to drive etc.

The only option I might have agreed to is having my mum come to stay to provide extra support.

I’m sure lots of people do manage fine alone and are happy to get on with things but personally I wouldn’t want to be left in that position, and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to communicate that to your DH and expect him not to go. It’s disappointing for sure, but as an adult he should be able to understand why he needs to miss out this time.