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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
speakout · 14/11/2021 07:05

It is stupid and selfish idea.

You have no idea how things will be when your baby is 2-3 weeks old. It may be plain sailing and feeling great. Equally you may be recovering from a C section, finding breastfeeding hard, be on your knees due to lack of sleep.
Your OH is being a pig for planning a jolly and leaving you in a potentially vunerable situation.

Nuttymonkey · 14/11/2021 07:06

Surely he can just get a flight the day before or night before and then fly home the night of the wedding or next morning so is away the minimal time?
Can you hire a Nanny or advertise for an evening babysitter or someone for a few hours each day?

Classicblunder · 14/11/2021 07:06

My DH went away for a work trip when DS2 was 6 weeks old and DS1 was almost 3. It was an optional work trip, in that it was non mandatory training and lots of fun with nice hotel and evening drinking. He could probably have postponed it.

I coped - my dad came to stay to lend a hand - but, apart from anything else, I actually am still irritated when I think about it. Partly because of the pandemic and partly because of breastfeeding, over two years on I haven't had so much as a night away and the fact that he found it so easy to just walk out the door for a week when DS2 was so tiny just rankles still.

I am sure that someone will be along shortly to tell me that this is pathetic and their DH was an offshore worker and they have no limbs and 7 disabled children but my point is that, something to bear in mind is that you may find it's something that you come to really resent.

usernamenumber636274 · 14/11/2021 07:07

Hell no. If it was a local wedding, even a couple hours drive away he could go buy abroad for 4 nights? Absolutely not!

Say if you went overdue your baby might be days old when he goes.

Put your foot down. If his friend was a true friend he would understand! But you say he isn't even a close friend.

He shouldn't go, end of!

BigPyjamas · 14/11/2021 07:07

Let's flip it another way.

Would you leave your DH (or any other adult) at home alone for 4 days and nights with a newborn and a toddler two weeks after major abdominal surgery for a wedding of a friend you weren't that close to?

No, of course you wouldn't.

leafygarden42 · 14/11/2021 07:07

Why do some women still look for excuses to enable men? Why do some women still look to belittle other women?

Exactly so.

YANBU OP - your 'D' H is very selfish.

MummyTo2GorgeousMunchkins · 14/11/2021 07:08

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?
I had two planned c-sections with a two year gap and certainly couldn’t have lifted my two-year old two weeks post my second c-section. Unfortunately my husband had to go back to work one week post my second c-section but I only managed as my Dad came round every day to help me. I would not have been happy if my husband had gone abroad for four days at two weeks post c-section to attend a wedding of someone he wasn’t particularly close to.
LouLou198 · 14/11/2021 07:08

It's not right what he is doing but you will manage. DH went back to work a week after DD 2 was born, I was at home alone post emergency section with the baby and a 4 year old.

Wotsitsits · 14/11/2021 07:09

@CheddarGorgeous

YANBU and if he is normally responsible I think he's probably not thinking straight. Don't try to argue with him, just state "of course t won't be possible to go, you will be needed here to look after your children. No one would expect otherwise."
This!!!!

It's unthinkable, he's being a twat even putting it on the table.

Raindancer411 · 14/11/2021 07:09

If he knows you are having a section, I am very shocked he wants to leave you alone to cope with no other help. I would be telling him he cannot go.

Yes your last section went well, but my friends got infected and she had to back into hospital and as of Covid was not allowed to take her baby in with her. The husband had to take baby :(

Have you spoke to him and told him it's madness

Pancakeorcrepe · 14/11/2021 07:10

It’s far too risky! What if you have to have a C-section? What if you go overdue and baby is only a few days old or not born yet?
Even if everything goes textbook, he should still be at home to look after his children. No one would expect otherwise. Four days at that stage and under these circumstances is just mad.

MrsTidyHouse · 14/11/2021 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2021 07:21

I bet there aren't many men who would be ok looking after a 2 week old and 3yo after abdominal surgery whilst their partner swans off abroad for a 4 day jolly.

This. And people would take a bloody dim view of a women leaving her tiny newborn to go to a piss up abroad.

I'm just stunned he'd want to. I mean it's his new baby. And exactly how upset could a 3 yo get when there's a new baby and Daddy immediately buggers off? Pretty upset I'd say.

DBI78 · 14/11/2021 07:23

They are both your children so you should make decision together. For me it would depend upon if I had support from family/friends whilst he's gone. Otherwise I would say no. Does he know about your worries? Also what if you have a c section or go over due etc. It's a bit soon in my opinion.

Sorehandsandfeet · 14/11/2021 07:23

I just want to say to the mums who obviously had easy births and recoveries, well aren't you just brilliant! I was in and out of hospital for 2 months after my firstborn and my second was failure to thrive and I had to run up and down to hospital with her, had to drive just after c Section as husband needed to work. Those early weeks for me were absolute hell and I did have to manage because my husband is self employed. At least he was here at night. If he was away on a piss up our marriage wouldn't have survived

DBI78 · 14/11/2021 07:24

@CherryRedDMs

Also my toddler was very attached to her other parent at that stage since I wasn’t available. It wouldn’t have been good for her to have that taken away.

Good point.

cptartapp · 14/11/2021 07:24

His choice will tell you a lot about the real him as a person, a husband and a father. The fact he's already showing a preference would make it very hard for me to not carry hurt and resentment for evermore going forward.
The damage to a large extent, whatever happens, is already done.

Powertoyou · 14/11/2021 07:25

Ask your partner if he had major surgery what would he think about looking after a new born and a 3 year old whilst you fly off for 4 days to attend a wedding of a not close friend?

MyOtherProfile · 14/11/2021 07:27

No. He needs to give his head a shake.

Lulu1919 · 14/11/2021 07:30

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
She probably can 'manage ' but doesn't want to do it alone and I think that's totally valid thought ! A two week old....could be younger and a three year old with no help is going to be hard for four days and nights ...plus the after effects of giving birth !!! I'd ask him not to go ...and he should totally understand why you ask this ....it's a bit sad he hasn't realised !!! Good luck
TeenyQueen · 14/11/2021 07:32

Definitely NBU to be upset! How inconsiderate for your DH to even consider going to this wedding, especially with it being so far away! My DH just asked me yesterday if he can book a training course in London that would take place two weeks before my dd and I feel apprehensive about that!

I was very poorly after an emergency c section last time so you never know how the birth will go, or baby might need to stay in SCBU.

The only possible way your DH could make this work is if HE paid for a private midwife/maternity nurse to stay with you for the entire duration of his little holiday so at least you'd have reliable support available (the going rate is probably somewhere around £250 per day)

Going to this wedding really is a stupid idea, can't believe he is even considering it!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 14/11/2021 07:33

When DD2 was born, DH was abroad, and got home when she a couple of weeks old. So I had a toddler and a newborn. I had family help and easy birth.

And it was HARD. It was exhausting (as was the preceding 7 months of being pregnant with a toddler and alone). Yes I coped. I had too.

I think a man who would do it voluntarily is a selfish arse. Its different to them being out for a few hours for work. Its relentless day and night. And thats without the C section

As for saying Single Mothers do it... one of my friends older child had to go into Temporary Foster Care for a week to allow her to recover enough from her C Section to be able to look after a toddler as well as the baby.

Youseethethingis · 14/11/2021 07:33

I'd ask him to help me out -
"DH, how are you justifying this rampant selfishness to yourself, I'm really struggling to be ok with it and I can't believe you even suggested it?"
Other women coping is irrelevant, they can have a low bar for their man and that's up to them - you should not have to cope, you should be able to rely on proper support and teamwork when you've just had a baby.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 14/11/2021 07:33

I was a bit 🙄 when I started to read your OP thinking 'it's only a wedding'. But then I saw that a) it's abroad b) it's 4 days away c) you're having a c-section and d) you have a toddler. So that's a hard No from me. What the fuck is he thinking?

Oh and yes you will have posters telling you that they were windsurfing two weeks post c section with their toddler on their back whilst breast feeding their newborn and good for them. But for most of us in this situation, it's not quite like that.

WellHereWeGoAgain · 14/11/2021 07:36

@Bancha

It blows my mind that he would even suggest this. I’m honestly lost for words. I assume that if you said to him that you were going abroad for four nights after he’d had major abdominal surgery, leaving him with a newborn and toddler to care for, he’d think this was fine?
Yep. This.