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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 13/11/2021 23:59

Absolutely not! I've had 3 c sections and each time needed help for weeks. It's a major operation. Surely he wouldn't want to leave you to cope with a newborn, 3 year old and recovery from an operation?? Its just not physically possible. I hope he sees sense x

buckingmad · 14/11/2021 00:00

My OH went to a wedding for two nights when my baby was 2 weeks old. My mum came to stay. I had an emergency c section but had a very quick and speedy recovery. I was walking 5km a day after a week and back on my horse after 4 weeks.

NO WAY would I have been happy on my own after two weeks and that’s without a toddler to pick up/run around after.

MissAmbrosia · 14/11/2021 00:02

I haven't read the whole thread but, for goodness sake, you are having a new baby and this should be the priority! Fine to pop out to the pub or something, but days away stag nights and weddings should be absolutely off the cards unless it's his brother, where a day at the wedding might be unavoidable. Christ, what is it with selfish men?

Scoobydoowhereareyou21 · 14/11/2021 00:04

Yanbu at all.

You shouldn't have to to cope while he disappears for 4 days.

I wouldn’t have managed in that scenario, emotionally I'm a mess when I have a newborn and need the support. Plus the elder child needs some extra input when a new baby arrives.

CatWithARabbit · 14/11/2021 00:07

I am absolutely horrified at the thought of you being in your own after major surgery. I had an emergency c section and was shattered afterwards. I found it very difficult to bend to lift my daughter and change nappies etc. After a week it got better but even do it was

tallduckandhandsome · 14/11/2021 00:07

@PlanDeRaccordement

You cannot plan and execute a straightforward birth with no aftercare on the exact due date though, can you?

No. But that’s not the question is it? The scenario is OP with newborn and 3 yr old for 5 days/4 nights. Single mums do it all the time. Besides, the DH is going to a wedding. It’s not like he can change the dates!

The baby will be 2 weeks old. Two. Weeks. Old.
Cornishclio · 14/11/2021 00:09

You won't even be able to lift your three year old or drive or lift stuff if you are just 2 weeks post a c section. Not sure what planet he is on where a wedding of a not particularly close friend trumps helping his wife look after a toddler and newborn just a few weeks after birth especially as it involves being away for 4 days in another country. I wouldn't be happy and would say on this occasion he needs to prioritise and supporting his wife and children after a c section trumps a wedding.

CatWithARabbit · 14/11/2021 00:10

Hit post too soon. How will you wash/shower with a toddler and baby ? How will you manage to prepare food for you/ toddler ? I really really hope your husband sees sense and puts his family first. Best of luck to you I hope all goes well with your birth

whoopy1 · 14/11/2021 00:10

@SplodgeWaddler

No way! How can he possibly plan for this when there’s no way of knowing yet when/how the baby will be born?!
Have you actually read the OP’s posts. At 22:44:27 she wrote “I'm having a c section so will be in the recovery phase. My first one was straight forward and I was up and about quickly but hard to know what this one will be like.”

Does that make things any clearer?

DameFanny · 14/11/2021 00:14

@WonderfulYou

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

I believe the 4 days was if he went to the stag do and the wedding as they are in different countries but he’ll only be going to the wedding now so it won’t need to be 4 days.

Nope you're still not reading it right, it's 4 days and a 4-5 hour flight away
KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 00:15

I am finding these 'you won't be able to lift your toddler' and 'how will you ever shower with a newborn and toddler' a bit grating. I hate to say 'how do you think us single parents manage it?' but the fact is that women DO manage to do this without a partner present. And OP will be doing it when her partner goes back to work anyway.

HOWEVER, when there's a partner available it stands to sense it would be easier and better for OP if he was there! Especially if it's just a bloody wedding of a not even very close mate!

tallduckandhandsome · 14/11/2021 00:17

@KurtWilde

I am finding these 'you won't be able to lift your toddler' and 'how will you ever shower with a newborn and toddler' a bit grating. I hate to say 'how do you think us single parents manage it?' but the fact is that women DO manage to do this without a partner present. And OP will be doing it when her partner goes back to work anyway.

HOWEVER, when there's a partner available it stands to sense it would be easier and better for OP if he was there! Especially if it's just a bloody wedding of a not even very close mate!

You did it alone with a 2 week old and a 3yo?
Greenmarmalade · 14/11/2021 00:19

Absolutely not!!!
What is he thinking?

Of course he’d like to go- but he shouldn’t. It’s utterly ridiculous and I’d be incensed by his inconsiderate, selfish plan.

whoopy1 · 14/11/2021 00:20

@WonderfulYou

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

I believe the 4 days was if he went to the stag do and the wedding as they are in different countries but he’ll only be going to the wedding now so it won’t need to be 4 days.

Nope. Read the OP’s original post.

“ DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away)”.

Stag do and wedding are 4 nights stay EACH. They do NOT take place at the same time. There is 2-3 weeks between them.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/11/2021 00:21

Not in the uk but I’ve had 3 sections and my obstetrician said no driving for 3 weeks and no lifting anything heavier than baby for 8 weeks. All now teens so maybe rules have changed but seems unlikely to me.
I would never forgive him for this and to be honest I would view him differently for even suggesting it. Family emergency or unavoidable work situation yes ok. This is just a jolly he doesn’t want to miss out on.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 00:26

You did it alone with a 2 week old and a 3yo?

@tallduckandhandsome

Yes, my DS was emergency c-section, born just before my DD turned 3. My exp left when I was 3 months pregnant with DS, and never came back.

Of course it's doable, but OP has a partner and he absolutely should be there for her.

countbackfromten · 14/11/2021 00:28

Oh of course @Frederica852 isn’t being unreasonable. I’m shocked anyone could think the opposite! New baby, toddler and wife who has had surgery trump a wedding.

ChillyB · 14/11/2021 00:28

Well I’d only just got home from the hospital with DS by that point, and couldn’t drive for another 4 weeks due to c-section so it’d be a flat no from me.
This is a choice and he’s trying to make a selfish one. Just say no it’s not possible you need him at home to take care of you all.

AlwaysLatte · 14/11/2021 00:33

I can't believe he's actually even considering it.

Pantsomime · 14/11/2021 00:34

If all goes well it’s doable by yourself, but we can’t read the future and I’d feel let down that when you need his support the most as his family plans come to fruition he’d rather be thousands of miles away leaving you to adjust by yourself. Tell him he can go, that you are disappointed but expect him to pay for a maternity nurse to come and live in 4 days and nights - honestly you’ll feel like you’re on holiday if you get a qualified mat nurse, if he’s selfish enough to go

Happyhappyday · 14/11/2021 00:37

It’s just a wedding, it’s fun to go but… it’s just a wedding. Tell him no, if you don’t feel comfortable with it that’s reason enough. Single parents do it all the time, but that doesn’t mean they enjoy it or that they’d recommend it to anyone who has another option.

Spaghettipie1 · 14/11/2021 00:37

No, unless you have other help staying, you won't be fit to manage post c section with another small child. You need rest. Xx

Silverswirl · 14/11/2021 00:37

No. He should be supporting you at this time.
It’s an incredibly large shift when a new baby comes. Who knows if you will still be recovering / if the baby is late / baby is really tricky with colic etc.
Even if everything is perfect, you should have support. Going for the day- ok. Going for nights not ok. He has a responsibility to support you.
You have both had a baby. Not just you- both of you have your roles to play.
How would he feel if you went off to a wedding for 4 days when the baby was 2 weeks old.
TBH is fucks me off no end that so many men have this sort of attitude and Can even consider leaving at such an important time.

Libelula21 · 14/11/2021 00:46

NRTFT… but I’m surprised.

Why would he want to miss some of those precious few first days with his new child?

Labour, and a newborn, are massive things and of course it’s not straightforward to deal with that, with no help, and a toddler. It could be just when the baby blues are hitting you.

On top of all that, flying would increase the risk of exposure to COVID for all of you.

I dunno. If he can afford to go away for 4 days, he can afford to pay for a doula or night nanny for you for 4 days too.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 14/11/2021 00:49

Of course YANBU, OP. I can hardly believe he would even think of leaving you for four nights at that stage.

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