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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
Whatamess582 · 15/11/2021 19:13

I don’t think you are bu by saying you don’t want to be left alone with a 2wk old baby and a 3yr old. It’s not fun. It is totally doable though. I did it. Most of my friends did it. For way longer than 1-4 nights. With no family around and no friends. Al get into bed together and feed the baby while the eldest watches a tablet. Then put the baby down, put the 3 yr old to sleep and then you go to sleep. Don’t worry about tidying or cleaning or baths. Dinner can be a shove in the oven meal or delivered pizza.

As sympathetic as I am….. if your husband wants to go to the wedding, let him.

But I would caveat any ‘permission’ you give with ‘you’ll be on duty when you come home so don’t get too drunk’ and ‘if I have a c-section all deals are off’

wingsanddreams · 15/11/2021 19:14

No, you need help. He can't go. He needs to be there for you and your kids.

NoOtherShadeOfBlue · 15/11/2021 19:15

@Whatamess582

I don’t think you are bu by saying you don’t want to be left alone with a 2wk old baby and a 3yr old. It’s not fun. It is totally doable though. I did it. Most of my friends did it. For way longer than 1-4 nights. With no family around and no friends. Al get into bed together and feed the baby while the eldest watches a tablet. Then put the baby down, put the 3 yr old to sleep and then you go to sleep. Don’t worry about tidying or cleaning or baths. Dinner can be a shove in the oven meal or delivered pizza.

As sympathetic as I am….. if your husband wants to go to the wedding, let him.

But I would caveat any ‘permission’ you give with ‘you’ll be on duty when you come home so don’t get too drunk’ and ‘if I have a c-section all deals are off’

She is having a c-section. You’ll see that if you read the OP’s posts. It’s one of the main reasons, though not the only one, why him going is such an unreasonable idea.
NoWordForFluffy · 15/11/2021 19:16

@Whatamess582, she IS having a c section. It's in her further posts (you can choose to just read the OP's posts).

lemondrop21 · 15/11/2021 19:16

This wouldn't even be questioned in our house. We have 7mo and 4yo and DH wouldn't go away for 4 nights now never mind newborn.

wewereliars · 15/11/2021 19:17

@Queenbee77

....what s the real issue here? Why cant you stay alone? Have you a phone to phone for medical help if you need it? Its 4 nights not 4 weeks! Even so... Some of us manage without a man at all.
The real issue is that the OP has a partner, and the children are his.

Just because you don't have a partner does not mean ALL women have act like they don't

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 15/11/2021 19:18

You need all the help you can get and him buggering off for 4 days is taking the puss. That is unless he is paying for a night nurse and a mother’s help during the day. I’d be furious.

Abraxan · 15/11/2021 19:18

@naffusername

I had no choice. My husband was deployed overseas. Didn't come home for six MONTHS. I was 1200 km away from family.
Presumably it's also what you signed up for when you decided to have a baby with your dh?

As far as we know, that isn't the situation the OP is in.
The OP's partner wants to leave her alone, with a newborn and a toddler, when 2 weeks post surgery, for the sake of a 'not very close' mate's wedding.

JennyForeigner · 15/11/2021 19:18

At two weeks post birth I was in hospital with a baby with meningitis, the most frightened I have ever been in my life and also seriously ill. And then I developed postnatal psychosis.

Totally unreasonable and not just for you but for your toddler. No matter how well it goes they will be confused and clingy. Your husband is mad, and all the people commenting here to say it's fine madder still because they have no stakes in the game so presumably feel totally fine about being cavalier about your health and bond with the new baby.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 15/11/2021 19:19

@Hugoslavia

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month. At 2 weeks baby will sleep eat and sleep some more. Not a problem.

Absolutely, because we all know that sahm's only work for a few hours a day, far less than men! And it's not stressful, not even after major surgery. It's a cinch right?! Honestly, this post sounds like something from the1950s!

What has being a SAHM for to do with potentially being left to recover from major abdominal surgery and looking after another young child - best case scenario - because their father wants to go to a wedding a four hour flight away?

Are you implying that because our job is the be SAHP in the equation your needs are trumped by someone’s wants because hey happen to earn a salaried wage ?

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 15/11/2021 19:20

@Hugoslavia I am agreeing with your point and am incredulous with whomever spouted that claptrap the paragraph above that you were responding to . Sorry I felt it appropriate to clarify!

ZforZack · 15/11/2021 19:20

Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should have to
Tell him no .
And then tell him to have a bloody long think about where his priorities lie .

ddl1 · 15/11/2021 19:22

YANBU! Having to look after a small child and a baby on your own, just after a C-section, is a very tall order. Yes, you could probably find a way to manage in a true emergency, e.g. if your dh was ill; but a destination wedding - and of a casual friend, not even a sibling - is not an emergency! I think he's being bloody selfish, to be honest.

Pallisers · 15/11/2021 19:22

sometimes it feels like a race to the bottom for what women should put up with and men are entitled to do.

I don't know one person in real life who would think it just great to leave his wife with a newborn and a toddler after a c-section to go to a wedding of a not very close friend 5 hours flight away. not one. And yet other women think with a bit of snack-buying and spending 4 days in bed with an ipad for the poor 3 year old, she will be grand

OP, don't let this happen. he is being very selfish to even consider it - or maybe just oblivious/gormless.

Abraxan · 15/11/2021 19:25

I think he can only really go if he can find a family member to come to stay

I can imagine the kind of response dh would have got from his mum and dad, if he even vaguely had suggested going away in such circumstances. To be honest, they'd have been even more cross about it than I would have been. They'd have definitely being making sure dh knew how utterly selfish it would be!

joinedduetodunkthread · 15/11/2021 19:26

I am honestly the most easy going person in the world when it comes to my partner going out. But this shouldn't even be a consideration. I ended up in hospital for 10ndays after a disastrous birth.. What would happen with your toddler. Its a definite no.

CecilyP · 15/11/2021 19:27

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month.

Not sure if you are joking or not. Aren’t all mums SAHMs 2 weeks after a C-section ? And big weddings do indeed happen every month every day, in fact. They are really only important when they are your own.

MarshmallowX1983 · 15/11/2021 19:28

Absolutely not being unreasonable at all.

When I was pregnant with DD, my DH wanted to go on a work trip to China three weeks before due date, leaving me 8 months pregnant and with 1 year old DS. It caused arguments but I had to put my foot down and I think you need to this instance. Overall having kids was a difficult transition for our relationship, because I went from being a fairly chilled girlfriend/wife to being a Mum and DH didn’t like that he suddenly had to make sacrifices…as a mother it seems like we are often more willing to make these sacrifices than the men. It took a few years for DH to accept, and there were a few more times that I had to put my foot down.

My advice (from experience), try not to let it turn into an argument, or get angry with him, try to calmly set out the very practical reasons why it’s not right for him to go. As you’ve probably guessed, when you have a newborn and a toddler it is incredibly stressful and you both need to be there as you’ll find yourself man-marking at least for the first few weeks. Esp if you end up with a c-section as you won’t even be able to lift your toddler out of his cot.

Make sure he knows that you totally understand his reasons for wanting to go and that you really empathise with his frustration at not going but this is one of those moments in his life where he simply has to put family first. xxx

LovelyIssues · 15/11/2021 19:31

They are your children, you will survive

CecilyP · 15/11/2021 19:32

He should definitely have the option to cancel his plans, without any hard feelings from the bride and groom, if circumstances call for it.

Oh yeah, we wouldn’t want the bride and groom to have hard feelings!

Kate0902900908 · 15/11/2021 19:33

I love the way someone said ‘why can’t you manage’ ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? She doesn’t have 8 hands and the ability to not sleep?
it’s just not going to happen DH? I will have a brand new baby and another baby I can’t do it in my own sorry about that?! He honestly can’t think you can do it on your own?

JennyForeigner · 15/11/2021 19:34

I would just add to this that postpartum surgery you are in the high risk group for blood clot and medical emergency, not to mention the risk of hernia if you just your stitches picking up your toddler.

For their sake, it isn't safe for you to be alone. Don't let him do it, you and your children are worth more than this.

tearinghairout · 15/11/2021 19:35

I'm very surprised - I've never known a bloke who actually wanted to go to a wedding! Since you're having a c-section, it's too much of a risk. He shouldn't go.

CecilyP · 15/11/2021 19:35

But I would caveat any ‘permission’ you give with ‘you’ll be on duty when you come home so don’t get too drunk’ and ‘if I have a c-section all deals are off’

Pity you didn’t read OPs update before posting as she is having a C-section.

ddl1 · 15/11/2021 19:36

@LovelyIssues

They are your children, you will survive
They're his children too!
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