Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

He’s being unreasonable. Wouldn’t we all like a 4 night beano….he’s married with 2 children ( almost ) so no ones saying you can’t cope …but why should you ?

Can’t believe you’re even having to deal with this.

YANBU.

It’s a terrible idea. It’s a time you need to be together. For you and for the children. Mr. Lies would be firmly on my list if he’d tried this shiz when any of ours were brand new.

....what s the real issue here? Why cant you stay alone? Have you a phone to phone for medical help if you need it? Its 4 nights not 4 weeks! Even so... Some of us manage without a man at all.

I had no choice. My husband was deployed overseas. Didn't come home for six MONTHS. I was 1200 km away from family.

I wonder how many of those who say they would cope just fine with a bit if planning, actually rely on family members to come and help out when they’re unwell and on their own?

How many of you really are completely alone with zero support from anyone else?

The OP said she has no family nearby able to help.

When DS was born, both sets of parents were already dead so it was always just the two of us muddling along. When you’re unwell and struggling on your own and there isn’t anyone to call on for help, it is really tough. One Christmas I made beans on toast for my toddler’s Christmas dinner because I was too ill to manage anything else. I hadn’t been able to go shopping the previous week and couldn’t book an online delivery because it was Christmas and the slots had gone weeks ago.

It’s fucking hard doing it completely on your own when you’re unwell and for the husband to want to prioritise a 4 day jolly abroad, I’d be seriously reviewing the relationship!

@naffusername

I had no choice. My husband was deployed overseas. Didn't come home for six MONTHS. I was 1200 km away from family.

Yes, and that's what you signed up for when you conceived. The OP didn't, so why should she have to cope?

The empathy bypass and pure idiocy of some posters on this thread is mind blowing.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

You are kidding, right?

I had two emergency c sections after long difficult labours. The first, I lost a lot of blood and felt so exhausted and weak (like flu) for 2.5 weeks. The second I didn't feel physically so I'll, but I had double nylon interlinked stitches and a few staples. My god it hurt. I definitely couldn't drive with either for the first few weeks. Unfortunately due to COVID, many new mums are now required to make their own way to weigh in/check up clinics in the first few days/couple of weeks. It's a ridiculous idea. Also, he's hardly likely to be able to relax and enjoy himself if you are phoning him up stressed out or if there are any problems and he's stuck abroad and can't get back. Let's face it, if he goes away for a jolly, he's going to look like a total arsehole!

@TheElectricBoogaloo

Hi OP. Don’t be me. I enabled this sort of behaviour when my DC were young and it just led to more and more selfish fuckwittery from my “D”H at the time. It was also enabled by his family and also by mine saying that “I should be able to cope alone” and even that I was a rubbish mum if I didn’t! Poor little man child worked SOOOO hard to support us he needed his “time off” to let his hair down. Bless. The final straw came when he was on a lads holiday (abroad) and DC2 was admitted to hospital. I phoned him and begged him to change his flight and he snapped at me saying that “what sort of mum was I if I couldn’t cope with an ill child??” Yes…one in hospital!! He had a nice surprise when he came home, his bags were all nicely packed for him, and he could now go on jolly’s whenever he wanted!! It was far easier being a single mum! OP this is an extreme example, but I would hate for your DH to be testing the water in terms of what he can “get away with”. His priority always and foremost HAS to be you. Don’t be me.

I can see her point and I was thinking the same thing. But what bothers me is that the wedding isn't even for a very close friend. I feel like your husband is using this wedding as an excuse to have some fun and feel free and single again and, I bet, probably has been talking with his, close friends who will be attending the wedding a lot more than usual.

what s the real issue here? Why cant you stay alone? Have you a phone to phone for medical help if you need it? Its 4 nights not 4 weeks! Even so... Some of us manage without a man at all.

Yeah OP - you have a phone! A phone!!!! You'll be fine! If you need medical help you can just phone for it and it will magically appear. No need to drive yourself to hospital. And if you get lonely, there's always the talking clock!!!

I can't understand that 20% of people on here think this is OK. Obviously, some of them haven't read the bit where the OP says the wedding is abroad and will involve her (D)H being away for 4 days. I could possibly understand more if this was a first baby and he had no idea what the birth and first days at home entail or the unpredictability of it. But since he does know, he should realise this is out of the question. It's not even as if this is a close friend or sibling. But even if it was, this is unbelievably selfish.
I think the OP needs to tell him it's unacceptable and maybe show him the responses on here.

Whenever I’ve faced a really demanding and upsetting experience, it’s always given me sympathy for others confronting something similar. It’s never made me so dismissive and unkind that I’d express incredulity that someone else couldn’t ‘just get on with it’. If I’d had a partner walk out on me or be deployed overseas two weeks after a c-section leaving me with a toddler and newborn right after major surgery, I like to think I’d understand why someone who didn’t have to go through it would want to avoid it at all costs. I absolutely can’t understand all the digs about how single parents and military wives cope - why is life an absolute race to the bottom for some people? Of course he shouldn’t go to the bloody wedding!

“...what s the real issue here? Why cant you stay alone? Have you a phone to phone for medical help if you need it? Its 4 nights not 4 weeks! Even so... Some of us manage without a man at all.”

Oh aye, that’s right I take it back YABU - you have a phone. That totally negates the need for the Father of your children to be around at a time when you’re post op, you have a 3 year old adjusting to the new dynamic, you may be struggling with feeding, PPD, blood loss, you’re exhausted from lack of sleep and can’t drive. Because there are women who don’t need a mans help, so because they don’t you shouldn’t and suggesting you do definitely belies an ulterior issue at play.

WFE.

It’s a wedding of a not very close mate. Why the hell should she have to cope alone at such a fragile time?

He’s being totally unreasonable. My husband wouldn’t dream of doing that! I only have a 3 year old and the thought of coping with a new born too on my own would overwhelm me!

@nc198567

You'll be fine What are you worried about exactly?

I had 2 under 2 and regularly left alone. DH was away for a week in India on business a few weeks after i gave birth to DC2. Couldn't have cared less!

Had you just has a c section 2 or 3 weeks previously?

@WonderfulYou

She's having a bloody c-section and she has a toddler!!

And he is a father with a toddler, a newborn and a post-operative wife.

He needs to act like it

A tit-for-tat night away is not the answer

Surely he’ll be back at work by then, so how will she manage if she can’t do one day by herself?

Did you read the OP? It's 4 days, well 4 nights and 5 days I suspect.

Not going out of the house for a few hours but being there each morning and evening, and overnight. But several hours flight away, for 4 nights.

And all, just 2-3 weeks post surgery.

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month.
At 2 weeks baby will sleep eat and sleep some more. Not a problem.

Absolutely, because we all know that sahm's only work for a few hours a day, far less than men! And it's not stressful, not even after major surgery. It's a cinch right?! Honestly, this post sounds like something from the1950s!

Just because one person can cope it doesn’t mean someone else can/should. OP if you feel like you can’t cope in that situation then your DH should be supportive of you.

@NoOtherShadeOfBlue

Exactly!! Spot on!

@justmetoday

I think its fair that he gets to go to one of them.

Why?

I wouldn't be ok with this

@Hugoslavia

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month. At 2 weeks baby will sleep eat and sleep some more. Not a problem.

Absolutely, because we all know that sahm's only work for a few hours a day, far less than men! And it's not stressful, not even after major surgery. It's a cinch right?! Honestly, this post sounds like something from the1950s!

It’s so bizarre! Clearly not all newborns are as easy as eat-sleep-repeat, new mothers are vulnerable and exhausted and no one would ever expect a man to care for a baby and toddler shortly after abdominal surgery, not ever. Why are c-sections just glossed over as if they’re nothing? Oh yes, because only women can have them and women’s health is always secondary to man’s desires, right? I’m so glad I don’t know anyone in real life who actually thinks like this!

Just for balance: My dd was 18 months old when we had her sister. I had a caesarean. Dd was upset about the new sibling, I had no night nanny or nurse and things were a bit rough, but I think you can manage.

The one thing I would say is that it’s hard to predict how you will be feeling after the birth, and his absence might be really inconvenient depending on your recovery. He should definitely have the option to cancel his plans, without any hard feelings from the bride and groom, if circumstances call for it.

Maybe your husband should organise a maternity nurse while he is gone, that’s only fair?

@Skeumorph

No he can't go because he has a 3 year old who he's going to be main carer for during that time. His time is already booked. The end.

This