Page 22 | Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

sarahann1211112 · 15/11/2021 18:03

I'm a single parent nd time around so had no choice and it was fine.
However if I had a partner I would absolutely expect them to be there for me at such an early stage.
I was lucky with my second and had a vbac but first time round I was very incapacitated after my c-section. I was married at the time and my husband would not have left me.
It's not OK imo.

Thinking2041 · 15/11/2021 18:05

I’d have coped if my partner had a sick family member or something. Or his best best friends wedding. But not this.

I didnt have a csection. Or lots of labour related injuries. I had ‘just’ a straight forward labour. I was totally exhausted. I could hardly find any energy beyond trying to just get through the early days. I spent one week doubled up with post partum pains.

sarahann1211112 · 15/11/2021 18:06

Sorry that should say "2nd time around"

FortniteBoysMum · 15/11/2021 18:07

The baby could be late I which case he could miss the birth. Also if you need a c section you will not be allowed home without support. If he goes away you have none leaving you in hospital. That would leave 3 year old home alone unless he plans taking eldest child which I doubt. Point out that babies rarely come on time.

Mumontour85 · 15/11/2021 18:09

You are SO NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!! That's just too much to ask, especially as it's just someone from the same friendship group and not anyone particularly close. If it were a best friend I'd say get your mum to come and stay for a few days, but actually it appears your husband is prioritising the wrong person in his life at a really vital time!
Put your foot down, firm no. If he really doesn't get it then a much wider conversation about responsibilities needs to be had.

KurtWilde · 15/11/2021 18:09

@FortniteBoysMum

The baby could be late I which case he could miss the birth. Also if you need a c section you will not be allowed home without support. If he goes away you have none leaving you in hospital. That would leave 3 year old home alone unless he plans taking eldest child which I doubt. Point out that babies rarely come on time.

Does no one read OPs updates??

She's having a planned c-section, which has not only been said by OP but also said repeatedly over the course of this thread.

Cardiffwales · 15/11/2021 18:09

No he can’t go! It’s too long and too far. You will need his help and support.

supaloops · 15/11/2021 18:11

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?

As a midwife, I'd say it's important that you do not lift your 3 year old 2 weeks after a section. Lift only baby. Even if you feel fantastic, don't do it as you can do real internal damage and/or delay healing. On this point alone, I'm afraid your DH shouldn't go leaving you with no support. I'm sorry your having to worry about this 😔 x

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 15/11/2021 18:11

More to the point I imagine he intends to use his paternity leave for this? If so that’s even worse

ilovemygirls · 15/11/2021 18:14

I mean this in the nicest possible way… but how do you think single parents manage. 12 years ago, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. He didn’t want to know, so I’ve done it alone ever since. It was hard at times, I admit, but you just get on with it! I don’t understand how woman think they can’t manage on their own….

impossible · 15/11/2021 18:15

If you're terrified if being alone with DC and baby then you are not being unreasonable saying so. Tell him how you feel.

If it's possible he could be available for the stag do (pre birth) perhaps he could make last minute decision to go to that. He sounds like a good dad so just explain.

Feeasco · 15/11/2021 18:16

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Four days with no sleep potentially and hormones all over the place and milk coming in and a second little one on top. You will be physically drained and emotionally all over the place. Who will drive your second to nursery school? You could have stitches or a caesarean which means no driving. What happens in an emergency? Emotionally he should be there to support as you and I don't get that he would not want to bond with this precious gift in the first weeks anyway!
Leave time should be spent supporting you - making meals, cleaning, allowing you to sleep and caring for your second.
Did his bff not consider the birth when planning dates??
I'm totally annoyed to be honest!

ColinTheKoala · 15/11/2021 18:18

@ilovemygirls

I mean this in the nicest possible way… but how do you think single parents manage. 12 years ago, I found out I was pregnant with my second child. He didn’t want to know, so I’ve done it alone ever since. It was hard at times, I admit, but you just get on with it! I don’t understand how woman think they can’t manage on their own….

There is a massive difference! You were left in that position - the OP does not need to be. And congratulations for coping, not sure I would have done but then I only had one child anyway.

It would be a big fat no from me. Presumably he was actually active in the conception of baby number 2, so he can be around to help look after it especially as you are having a c-section.

1940s · 15/11/2021 18:18

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

I'm sure she can. I'm sure she could keep 5 newborns alive and clean for a long weekend. But why should she have to when she has a partner. She may go over her due date and end up with a c section. She may still be in hospital. The baby may be poorly. The toddler has lots to adjust to. Just because she physically could cope, doesn't mean it's the fairest thing to do in a partnership.

mumof2exhausted · 15/11/2021 18:20

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Don’t be a dick. A newborn and a 3 year old is hard, what if she has an emergency c-section or just a bad birth? You need help at the beginning.

Obviously YANBU -if it was his brother or absolute best friend maybe there would be some room for discussion but honestly 2 weeks in you should still be in your newborn bubble

SaturdaySummer · 15/11/2021 18:22

@Frederica852

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away). DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

Absolutely not. He is being a selfish prick

TheElectricBoogaloo · 15/11/2021 18:22

Hi OP. Don’t be me. I enabled this sort of behaviour when my DC were young and it just led to more and more selfish fuckwittery from my “D”H at the time. It was also enabled by his family and also by mine saying that “I should be able to cope alone” and even that I was a rubbish mum if I didn’t! Poor little man child worked SOOOO hard to support us he needed his “time off” to let his hair down. Bless. The final straw came when he was on a lads holiday (abroad) and DC2 was admitted to hospital. I phoned him and begged him to change his flight and he snapped at me saying that “what sort of mum was I if I couldn’t cope with an ill child??” Yes…one in hospital!! He had a nice surprise when he came home, his bags were all nicely packed for him, and he could now go on jolly’s whenever he wanted!! It was far easier being a single mum! OP this is an extreme example, but I would hate for your DH to be testing the water in terms of what he can “get away with”. His priority always and foremost HAS to be you. Don’t be me.

Ketzele · 15/11/2021 18:25

Ah, gotta love these macho mums: " I had 15 kids under 3 and I gave birth on the Monday, did all my Christmas shopping on the Tuesday, changed a tyre on Wednesday and made a chicken last all week: so why can't YOU manage, OP?"

Hugoslavia · 15/11/2021 18:25

Nothing to be terrified of with a bit of forward planning for food and supplies. Just have him get himself to from/airport and you will be fine.

... Yeah, come on OP! Pull yourself together. You'll definitely be fine! I've looked into my magic ball and know this for a fact! Perhaps you could even decorate the spare room whilst you',re at it.

Londoncallingme · 15/11/2021 18:26

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month.
At 2 weeks baby will sleep eat and sleep some more. Not a problem.

Properjob · 15/11/2021 18:26

Hmmm bit suspicious methinks, but if he is set to go then you will need an experienced,top grade nanny to make sure you and his children are OK while he is gone. And he pays.

Passenger42 · 15/11/2021 18:26

Tell him no way or make arrangements for your mother or a family member to come stay with you. A planned c section can still have problems. I got an infection and had to be kept in a week with baby in SCBU. Your toddler could end up in foster care with no family around. I think your partner is not thinking straight as you coped so well first time around.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 15/11/2021 18:26

Absolutely bloody not!!

Anomonda · 15/11/2021 18:28

I can’t believe 20% of people say YABU! I’m a single mum of two little ones, although wasn’t at newborn stage, I had to move back to near my folks because I couldn’t manage everything. How many single mothers have NO support whatsoever at that stage? I can understand how you wouldn’t because in a marriage you are each other’s support with childcare in emergencies etc. But ANYTHING could happen while he’s not there for 4 days plus it’s exactly when you get postnatal blues which I found horrendous. You don’t need the stress, neither does your 3yo or baby, and he shouldn’t go. And when he comes to his senses and decides not to go, have the conversation that it may all go swimmingly over the 4 days he was supposed to go away but if he even thinks about saying ‘see it would have been fine for me to go’ you’ll be very mad at him for a very long time!!

HermioneKipper · 15/11/2021 18:28

What! This is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever read on here.

You will have a 2 week old and a 3 year old, recovering from a c-section and he wants to go on a jolly. He’s lost his mind!