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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
Squirmywrigglepants · 15/11/2021 17:02

I have a toddler and a 10 month old - relatively straight forward birth and physical recovery. However there is no way in hell my DH would have been going off for a 4 day wedding 2 weeks later. Not an effing chance.
As someone already pointed out, my toddler was super attached to DH during this time and she also went through some initial behavioural issues in response to arrival of new baby. I think I barely kept myself together with DH there full time. I know I couldn’t have done it myself.
YADNBU!!!!

whittingtonmum · 15/11/2021 17:21

They're his children and he needs to help look after them. With a two weeks old & 3 year old absolutely no way would I have agreed to let DP shirk his parental responsibilities like that. I was barely out of hospital with both my newborns at that age due to complications.....

whittingtonmum · 15/11/2021 17:25

Actually just remembered DP wanted to spend a long weekend in Bristol (we're in London) four weeks before my due date and I said no at the time as I felt it was too close to the birth. Lo & behold DD arrived early at 36 weeks that very weekend. So glad I put my foot down at the time. Instincts are a powerful thing sometimes.

Michellelovesizzy · 15/11/2021 17:29

It’s that he is travelling abroad 4 four days that would be the problem for me baby is only 2 weeks and u have a 3 year old. He going 4 2 long and it’s 2 far. I would be fine with an over night stay not to far from home

ToniHargis · 15/11/2021 17:30

You aren't being unreasonable. Could you get someone to stay with you while he's away? I had to do that myself, although my OH's was business so he couldn't get out of it.

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2021 17:31

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He should be prioritising you and the children. He shouldn’t be considering going. You shouldn’t have to ask him not to go.

Finonia · 15/11/2021 17:33

It's a no from me! I had a similar age gap and my eldest was really unsettled by his new baby brother - I could no way have coped looking after the both of them 24/7 for 4/5 days! Also couldn't lift my eldest due to c-section, couldn't drive either, no, no, no.....

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/11/2021 17:33

I'm pretty chilled out but it would be a no from me too. Yanbu

FootieMama · 15/11/2021 17:35

No way. I've had similar age difference and is hard. The first couple of months when you are bedding every few hours with no sleep and having to deal with a 3 usas old alone. Maybe find someone to stay with you? A friend? A nany to entertain you 3 years old? But don't stay alone. I think your husband is being selfish. The baby is not only yours

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/11/2021 17:36

How bloody ridiculous he shouldn't be going to a bloody stag do and wedding abroad when you have a tiny new baby at home.
I think these stag do are a recipe for disaster anyway.
Hes a father now and responsible for 3 other people not Mick Jagger. Id be furious.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/11/2021 17:37

I bet he'd have a fit if it was you going abroad ffs.

TheAugusta · 15/11/2021 17:39

2 weeks after a c section? You definitely shouldn’t be lifting a 3 year old at that point. What is he thinking? Especially as this isn’t his first child! Of course he shouldn’t go. Good luck OP, hope he sees sense swiftly.

cherish123 · 15/11/2021 17:41

I guess it depends on whether you have a cesarean or not. If you have a c-section you might need help lifting but then I guess he would be at work during the week. If vaginal delivery, no reason why he should not go. You can have a coffee out on your own the following week.

LuluBlakey1 · 15/11/2021 17:44

He needs to get a grip. No one, including him, a week after the wedding will care if he was there or not. He has responsibilities to you and the children and shouldn't even be considering going.

JessieLongleg · 15/11/2021 17:44

What is there is a emergency cesarean she will need extra help and still be in a lot of pain. I know women that have been in labour 5 days and need weeks to recover.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 15/11/2021 17:46

Wtf is wrong with some people?!

Of course he can’t go! He can’t leave his wife, toddler son and newborn baby home alone whilst he goes for a nearly week long piss up in a foreign country.

What if you have a difficult birth? At two weeks you may not even be in a fit physical/emotional state to look after two children.

Absolutely he cannot go and you should tell him so.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 15/11/2021 17:48

YANBU, OP. Not just for your own sake, but also that of the baby. You never know what problems might be in the offing.

When I was pregnant, my DH was advised by a work colleague to arrange no away-from-home commitments for at least a month either side of my due date. As his job involved a lot of travel, much of it with next to no advance notice, he was quite pleased to be able to tell his employer that they couldn't send him anywhere for a while! Just as well, as it turned out - DS2 had to be hospitalised for a fortnight after birth. Your husband is definitely way offside here.

SnackQueen · 15/11/2021 17:48

@LuluBlakey1

He needs to get a grip. No one, including him, a week after the wedding will care if he was there or not. He has responsibilities to you and the children and shouldn't even be considering going.
This comment nails it.
MyPOV · 15/11/2021 17:51

I think you can manage but I would hire a babysitter to come in during the day to help with the 3 year old if you are feeling like you may be overwhelmed.

I think I would also request the father to be in charge of the newborn and 3 yo for a few days before he leaves so you can be fully rested to prepare for the next several days on your own. And a wedding is at most a day's event so I would tell him to shorten his trip and fly in the day before the wedding and fly back the day after the wedding.

Bambooshampoo · 15/11/2021 17:53

YANBU.

Family comes before friends.
He needs to grow up and take responsibility.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2021 17:58

@cherish123

I guess it depends on whether you have a cesarean or not. If you have a c-section you might need help lifting but then I guess he would be at work during the week. If vaginal delivery, no reason why he should not go. You can have a coffee out on your own the following week.
Ignoring the fact that I couldn't walk or sit comfortably for a fortnight after a vaginal birth, if you'd read the OP's posts (and numerous others) you'd have noticed that she is having a caesarean. And there's no 'might' about the lifting.
GrannyRose15 · 15/11/2021 17:59

HE is being totally unreasonable. It would be different if you had relatives - mother, sister, aunt - who could step in, but you haven't so it is down to him to look after his family.

WorriedMillie · 15/11/2021 18:01

D9 worked away from when DD was 2 weeks old, but it was bloody hard work for me. And I didn’t have a 3yo!

MarshmallowSwede · 15/11/2021 18:01

I have to ask why a father thinks it’s ok t leave his 2 week old? This is time for bonding and helping the mother as she will be healing.

Who knows how the birth will go. Maybe you will be in pain or not feeling well.

No he should not go. It amazes me that a man who is a father even thinks it would be ok to go to a stag do for 4days abroad with a 2 week old.

astoundedgoat · 15/11/2021 18:01

Absolutely not. He is being wildly unreasonable, and can't have thought this through at all, unless he is confident that you have the financial resources to pay to have somebody (i.e. a post partum doula) stay with you for the four days he's away.

Google post partum doulas in your area and get some idea of availability and prices for a 24 hour companion for the four days of his absence.

That would be my non negotiable. Fine, let him go to his wedding (and who the everliving fuck has an overseas stag AND wedding???) but the same budget is also available to you to pay for full time replacement support.

Don't be a martyr over this. If you are well off enough for him to have been considering both events, then he can't sulk about money when you tell him that you'll be spending £1k+ on care during his absence.