Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
cupofdecaf · 15/11/2021 09:22

My DH went to a wedding abroad recently. I had a 2 year old and a 9 month old on my own for 4 days. 1 day 2 year old was at nursery, we went to my DM for 2 days. It was still such hard work my back was knackered by the time DH came back. Doing the same but with baby a newborn and recovering from a CS no bloody way.
He gets 2 weeks paternity because it's sooo hard in the first few days and you need looking after. Not to go on a holiday.

KurtWilde · 15/11/2021 09:24

Well yeah, if you're single & choose to get knocked up by some random then you'll have to deal with your newborn + older child on your own (and so you should!)

What. The. Fuck.

So this thread has gone from support for OP, to disbelief that some of us actually managed a newborn and toddler alone after a c-section, to bashing those of us who did find ourselves in that position?? Fucking shame on you. I'm out.

hoomama · 15/11/2021 09:24

I don't understand why people try and be horrible on Mumsnet all the time?

When people say you should just get on with it, surely they can't be serious.

He absolutely should not go. I had a c section with my second and also had a 3 year old. No way will you be able to pick the 3 year old up. I could barely pick the baby up. Turning in bed hurt for weeks (it was my 2nd C section though and hurt far more than first). I couldn't stand up straight for about a month. You need time to heal and he needs to help you.

I can't get over some of the horrible comments on here. What a bunch of cowards. No one would say these vile things in real life.

CecilyP · 15/11/2021 09:37

I do t get why so many people come on here and say they have no family or help. So what? You n see this when you chose to have kids. If you don’t feel capable of looking after then you should t have them. If a partner does suddenly you would have to cope

Not necessarily. A neighbour of mine was widowed suddenly and very young with children age 2 and 3. She couldn’t cope with them and her grief and they had to go into foster care for a time.

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 09:42

Well observed @CecilyP, people say all sorts of "just get on with it" crap on here

CecilyP · 15/11/2021 09:47

Yeah not everyone is a superwoman in the Mumsnet mould!

LizzieW1969 · 15/11/2021 10:42

I don’t think it’s relevant to the thread whether or not other parents coped on their own with a newborn and toddler, because of the circumstances they were facing at the time. In all probability, the OP would cope on her own, or could ask for help from family members.

The issue is that she shouldn’t have to cope on her own following a c-section, just so that her DH can go away for 4 days, to the wedding of someone who isn’t even a close friend. His priorities are all wrong, he should be putting his family responsibilities first at this point in time.

DeepaBeesKit · 15/11/2021 10:51

If it was a case of him going a (short) drive away and coming back that night, I would say fine, although a bit crap. No way for a 4 night trip abroad. I couldn't have managed that after either of mine - I was very anaemic with ths first and got dizzy a lot, and had a c section with the second and not being able to drive/lift things would have been extremely difficult for four days with baby & toddler.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/11/2021 10:54

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
What if she has to have a section or goes over? I would normally be of the opinion to just let him go but 4 days away when you have no other help around isn't very fair imo
hotmeatymilk · 15/11/2021 10:57

Well said, @LizzieW1969. We can all cope if we have to – I think I read on here, about parenting on good vs bad days, that in a car crash you’d still have to comfort your toddler even if your leg had been knocked off and you were bleeding out, and that’s what parenting is. And if we can’t cope, social mechanisms are meant to kick in as pp noted – foster care, families.

But having to cope isn’t supposed to be the first resort – and I agree other family’s circumstances are irrelevant. In this case, the OP has planned two children in partnership with her husband, who doesn’t work abroad, isn’t regularly away for six months in the military, hasn’t died suddenly or left her without warning. She’s planned this baby, and the delivery, in the not especially demanding or wild expectation that he’ll be there to parent alongside her.

Equally I find the “haha, turn it around on him and go away without the kids!” comments baffling. He hasn’t had major abdominal surgery or nine months of pregnancy, so would cope more easily as a solo parent. And I’m not sure I know many mothers who’d want to leave their newborn, or even could leave their newborn if breastfeeding, or would find a spa weekend after a C-section remotely relaxing. There is no tit for tat here.

Notonthestairs · 15/11/2021 11:10

I had a 17 month old, a c-section for DD and DH had to go away for 6 weeks. I moved in with my parents but it was very hard. I felt dreadful and wanted to be at home. I definitely couldn't lift my toddler.

A day at a wedding fine(ish).

A trip away? Absolutely not.

Greenrubber · 15/11/2021 11:29

I get everyone on here saying they coped with 5 kids a broken arm and covid alone!

But the OP should not have to she has a husband who could be there for her

Not everyone handle things the same some people struggle whilst others just get on with it the OP will know herself if she is going to manage or not! She is not a single parent and her husband has not died he is there and should be willing to parent

Whatinthelord · 15/11/2021 11:34

@Libelula21

I am thunderstruck that 20% of people have voted YABU.

On top of everything else - major surgery, widespread Covid, bonding with your own child, risk of 10 day baby blues, uncertain reaction from a toddler sibling, etc, etc - the NHS is under such huge strain just now. Can it be relied on to be a safe backstop right now?

Me too.

Imagine if a mum had posted saying she was planning to go away for 4 nights very shortly after having a newborn. Physical issue aside I think people would be shocked that care for a new born wasn’t prioritised over a stag\wedding abroad. Expectations of fathers should be similar.

BowiesJumper · 15/11/2021 12:49

If you’re having a planned section then the baby will be about 6 weeks old? Or do you mean due date is when the section date is?
Either way it’s unfair of him to go when the baby is so young if you’re not comfortable with it. You might not be able to lift the 3yr old in/out of bath or for cuddles or if they fall over. You might not be able to drive yet etc.
He just needs to stay at home. He doesn’t NEED to go to a wedding of a not been that close a friend.

turnaroundtime · 15/11/2021 12:51

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
Have you actually given birth? It's totally unpredictable how you will be. If it's vaginal, the OP may be ripped from front to back and be incontinent. If it's a c-section, she will have had major abdominal surgery. The baby may need special care. Even if all is well, the OP will be up several times every night for feeds. Looking after the 3 year old as well will potentially prove impossible. What's wrong with you.
KurtWilde · 15/11/2021 12:54

I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on

For me this is the essential part. It doesn't matter if some of us coped fine alone or some of us needed help, THIS is how OP feels about it. If she can't say these words to her DH then that's a very questionable dynamic right there.

turnaroundtime · 15/11/2021 13:11

@PlanDeRaccordement

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

If the birth went traumatically, then I would expect my DH to cancel and stay. But to say up front don’t go because what if this and what if that seems very pessimistic.

2weeks after surgery? You can't drive and you can't lift a 3 year old. You are talking nonsense
Franca123 · 15/11/2021 13:21

No no no.

SoupDragon · 15/11/2021 14:14

Imagine if a mum had posted saying she was planning to go away for 4 nights very shortly after having a newborn.

She wouldn't have been called a selfish arsehole, that's for sure. It would have been "are you sure you could bear to be away/I was still bleeding/I could never have done that but if you feel ok.../blah blah blah.

jiggeryjaggerywoo · 15/11/2021 14:23

Not a chance in hell would I have accepted this!

gogohm · 15/11/2021 15:07

I sympathise but it all depends on how the birth goes and your attitude sort of ... my exh left me at 11 days pp to go on a business trip skiing Hmm sorry conference for 5 days, newborn and autistic toddler but actually I coped fine despite having no relatives on the same continent

Hardbackwriter · 15/11/2021 15:07

She wouldn't have been called a selfish arsehole, that's for sure. It would have been "are you sure you could bear to be away/I was still bleeding/I could never have done that but if you feel ok.../blah blah blah.

Well that's because the two things aren't equivalent and it's ridiculous to claim they are. If OP fucked off on holiday for four days two weeks after her C section she'd still be the one who had to physically recover and her DH would a fully healthy person in charge of two young children, which is a hard but much lesser challenge. It's not the same.

Wackaday · 15/11/2021 15:16

@eddiemairswife

Because OP just shared that she has a 3yo plus may have a brand new baby to look after. Not a combination I would wish on anyone to go at it alone?!

OP if it was an emergency and his close relative died, or mother taken into hospital etc etc then sure I get it, it would be something to consider and you may have to bear the brunt and deal with it.

However, to leave to go to a wedding is the wrong thing to do.
You could have stitches, baby blues, an clingy 3yo feeling displaced, you have to feed a newborn constantly, and feed your 3yo, and feed and keep yourself in good health, plus the house chores... and really hope you don't have any complications with the pregnancy which affects your physical and mental strength further. This is not on. Say no, it's not going to work unless he pays for a full time night nurse during that period!

Skeumorph · 15/11/2021 15:22

No he can't go because he has a 3 year old who he's going to be main carer for during that time. His time is already booked. The end.

Youseethethingis · 15/11/2021 16:17

The bottom line is this.
No matter how many people come on to say they handled c sections and newborn triplets and toddler twins alone and were fine, the fact is that on top of the physical distress this could cause her and her children, she's dealing with the fact that her DH has a priority higher than his children and post partum wife. And that is going to hurt alot, even if she miraculously sails through the whole thing.