Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

@Frederica852
Have you managed to speak to him and come to a decision?

I've missed this if it's already been said but there's also a possibility this won't be a 4-5 day trip! Corona rules for travellers get changed without a lot of notice. If he's flying far away (Dubai? New York?) he really can't predict what the quarantine regulations will be by that time. Hopefully things will be back to normal but there's a chance that not only will they not be normal, they'll be worse.

So YADNBU about the idea of his trip but that DNBU goes stratospheric when we add in Corona!!

Ask him if he would do it in reverse. The look on his face will give you your answer!

eddiemareswife are you my mother in law? Omg

[quote WellHereWeGoAgain]@Frederica852
Have you managed to speak to him and come to a decision? [/quote]
No. He's away with work this weekend

I would honestly just show him this thread so he can see what a wankbadger he is being.

@Frederica852 do you mind saying what country it is?

I can’t see how he needs to go for 4 days when the wedding will only be a couple of hours.

YANBU. Just speak to him. He is selfish to even consider a 4 day jolly when you are 2 weeks post CS.

Essential army postings or other essential work travel is a totally different scenario.

Also, he sounds a little considerate as he is not going for the stag do. I know some men that will go do all.

You know men who would ,miss the birth of their child to go to a stag do? You know some utter twatbadgers. I wouldn't know these men much longer.

And as for the posters saying that the OP's mum/MIL/sister should come; seriously? Women are not the support humans to enable men to be selfish arseholes. The only time I've asked a female relation to step in for DH with supporting me with a birth was when his mother was dying in hospice. My mum would be horrified and if DH's mum was still alive she would have gone up one side and down the other of him if he'd suggested this for a second. Which may explain why he's not a selfish arsehole.

Don’t try to be alone unless a relati comes to stay to help you.

At 2 week pp DS and I were both in separate hospitals. Him with meningitis, me with sepsis.

I didn't know either of us was "unwell", just thought we were both worn down from the birth. A midwife noticed and sent us on our merry way.

I wouldn't want any one going any where at 2 week pp and leaving me on my own for any length of time that meant they couldn't get a taxi back in a pinch.

Also my spider senses are tingling to say there's more to this.

Out of character, away with work, pushing to be away for a specific date even though no one knows what state you or your baby would be in, for someone he's not particularly close to.

Maybe I've just been watching too many TV dramas.

Show him this thread.

I could have coped in this scenario but my god it would have been difficult and my relationship would never have been the same afterwards.

Prisoners of war have "coped" in concentration camps but..... shouldn't have had to.

The problem is there are simply too many unknowns and you are already nervous about the situation.

Baby may be born a little early and you may feel absolutely fine immediately after the birth and skipping to the swings/ park with both of them on day 3.
Or
There is the possibility baby will be a couple of weeks late, you might need a c-section etc etc….

Ultimately, the actual crux is that you are feeling vulnerable and your DP is the cause of it.

It’s not an ideal situation…

This is a huge ‘life event’ that for most of us will only occur a couple or so times and will always be memorable- hopefully for all the right reasons.

If you have to say you don’t want him to go - he will see himself as the injured party who is being ‘controlled’… Not the best memory
If he does go, you may feel vulnerable and quite possibly (enduring) resentment that he isn’t putting your family first during this time…. Not the best memory.

An honest conversation about the unpredictable nature of your family’s immediately future and events and how vulnerable you are feeling would be a good start.

Does he realise how you are feeling? It may be that you normally deal with everything so matter of factly that he doesn’t know how you truly feel???

If he does appreciate how you feel & still wants to book a four day jolly abroad for a ‘friendship group’ friend - that seems to be a bigger issue altogether….

I hope you come to a happy ‘compromise’ that you are comfortable with.

You’ve no idea yet how your 3 year old will react to a new sibling. Factor in the birth could late/ difficult/ c section ( hope it’s neither of those) and it’s totally daft for your DH to fly off for 3/4 days. A few hours away on one day would be reasonable.
Stick to your guns, they’re his children too.

By Christ, you're a reasonable woman. I'd have hit the fucking roof after I'd finished laughing (having first assumed it was a joke).

Can't believe I'm coming back to this thread hours later and there are still people who haven't read that OPs having a planned c-section

Yup,
I'd be annoyed if my DH even entertained the idea of going, it's utterly selfish.

I'm also betting the posters who are saying they'd be fine with this had their children years ago and have forgotten what a shit show the first two weeks are. Or they just delight in making people feel crap about themselves by implying that they should find it easy to manage in those circumstances.

Maybe I've just been watching too many TV dramas.

Yes.

@CecilyP

Ah no op you aren’t being OTT at all. But I feel bad for your DH because he doesn’t want to miss out!

Why do you feel sorta. It’s the sort of thing you do when young, free and single and can do again when kids are older. For a short period of your life, if you are a parent, you accept you don’t have that kind of freedom.

I just feel bad for anyone missing a big event they want to go to, that’s it.

I think that op is being totally reasonable and I hope her DH will come around to the fact that he’s being unrealistic.

Hahahaha! No! If you go over he could miss the birth/you could have a two day old baby. This is ludicrous!

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Why should she have to?!

It's a firm no! Get him told. U might end up with late and with a C-section. U wld be in no fit state to look after the baby alone never mind a 3yr old too. Absolutely not. I also can't believe he actually thinks he can go! What a cheek.

Also, if he gets covid while abroad he could be gone for two weeks!

@converseandjeans

I think he can only really go if he can find a family member to come to stay. As others have said you might be late having baby, have c section or other complications. I don't think it's fair to leave you alone at such an early stage when it's a long flight away.

The poster saying "why can't you cope" - well sure she would have to if she was single parent or if DH worked away. But he's going on a jolly. Why should she?

It's not ok to contract out his fatherly responsibilities. These are his, not a family member's