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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
DameMaureen · 14/11/2021 10:55

I'm all for people having their times away in a marriage but this is just ridiculous . He needs to accept that his life has changed and on this occasion he can't go .

OliviaBean · 14/11/2021 11:01

I would also imagine the bride and groom fully expect him to turn down their invitation. As someone said, if he was at my table at the wedding and he said his wife had just had a c-section and there was a toddler at home, I'd think he was a grade 1 twat, as would anyone with an ounce of decency.

TheWeeDonkey · 14/11/2021 11:04

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If I was at a wedding, especially one abroad that required a few nights away, and a guest told me his partner was at home with their toddler and newborn after a c section I would think he was such a colossal arsehole.
Me too, and I've got one of those 'mood ring' faces that shows exactly what I'm thinking and after a drink I'd probably have to tell him what I'm thinking too. Has hr considered hie people at the wedding will respond to him?
Marvellousmadness · 14/11/2021 11:05

Oh stop it youll be allright
My bff has a partner in the military who just left to go overseas for 6 months. She has a newborn and an 18 month old

Its just a few days op.

Moonbabysmum · 14/11/2021 11:06

So, for example if you look at the NHS guidance you can see if clearly says it may take up to 6 weeks for you to be able to lift anything heavier than your baby. And you won’t be able to drive during this time.

The driving myth lives on.
There is no 6 week driving ban. Most insurers is when you feel well enough. Most driving friends I know who had sections were driving by 2-3 weeks.

The picking up thing: firstly, most 3yo dont need much picking up - they can climb into car seats themselves, climb onto chairs, mostly use beds not cots etc. If they fall over, you can crouch to comfort them, and thry can come to you for cuddles when sat down. The OP might have to avoid the park though, if they need lifting into a swing.

But even if they do need lifting, in reality surely most people do lift toddlers after their section? I was by 2w, and from other people I know, most are. If she can avoid it, best to of course!

Most dads are back to work at 2w though, and for second time mums thst have a section, coping with older children at that stage is an inevitably. Some dads will be working 12hr+ days 2w after their second, and its so hard for the mums, but its not considered undoable. If dad leaves at 7 and gets back at 8 or 9 (so long day and commute) they miss all meals, the daytime, bedtimes etc anyway. In reality, its not that different.

Not that I think he should be going for 4 days, or necessarily going at all (yes if best friend or immediate family only, and for 1 night), but I find some of the scaremongering (often by people that haven't had planned sections themselves) baffling.

Shes in a better position because of the section, not a worse. The baby will not be late, the recovery is more (albiet not fully) predictable.

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2021 11:07

@Marvellousmadness

Oh stop it youll be allright My bff has a partner in the military who just left to go overseas for 6 months. She has a newborn and an 18 month old

Its just a few days op.

Does your friend's partner generally feel that his military service is a holiday? How do you think he'd feel about you saying it's the same and saying that he's just like a father who would willingly and happily leave his newborn for a jolly? Because I would guess he'd be quite insulted.
snackess · 14/11/2021 11:11

Agree. What if you have an emergency C section and can't walk or lift yet.

What if one child gets poorly and needs to go to hospital? Will they be left alone?

His responsibility is with his family

SoupDragon · 14/11/2021 11:14

So far all he has said is that he would like to go to the wedding.

There's nothing wrong with that at all - clearly some mothers would be absolutely fine with that and look for solutions to make it work. The OP is not Happy with the idea of being alone with the children and that is also fine. All it needs is a grown up discussion.

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 11:14

You OH is being a selfish arse OP. Put your foot down now or this may well be a future pattern.

And for the surrendered loons saying OP should put up and shut up, he is CHOOSING to go away and leave his wife at one of the most difficult and exhausting times of life, when she will have just given birth to his child. Get a grip.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 11:17

@Marvellousmadness

Oh stop it youll be allright My bff has a partner in the military who just left to go overseas for 6 months. She has a newborn and an 18 month old

Its just a few days op.

She won't be able to physically lift her older child safely, as she is having a c section. What's your advice on how she can safely navigate that?

Your husband has to be away for work. And you knew that was his job and decided to have kids.

OP's husband wants to go to a wedding of a not very close friend, abroad, for four days, two weeks after she's having major abdominal surgery and won't be able to lift her older child.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 11:27

@Moonbabysmum agree on all your points there. I was going to say that my 3yo barely needed me to pick her up after my c-section! Cuddles were done sat down or crouched down. 3yo really don't get carried around/picked up much in the great scheme of things!

Realistically the majority of us have to do far more post c-section than would technically be commended, but it is what it is.

But these are all instances of necessity, as there was no other option for some of us.

Of course OP will cope, but she shouldn't have to. I still say the husband is being a douche wanting to leave for 4 days abroad, just for a random wedding.

Moonbabysmum · 14/11/2021 11:40

The 4 days certainly sounds like a jolly. If he REALLY wants to go, then I'd suggest he goes on a schedule like this:

If the wedding was on a Saturday, for example.

Help with bedtime, make sure mum has eaten, catch a late flight. Arrive early hours of the morning, sleep in late (given most weddings aren't until about lunch).

Go to the wedding and reception, and get the last flight of the night back. He'll arrive in the UK in the middle of the night again, and can sleep at an airport hotel for a few hours, making sure he's back home by lunch.

He'll have missed one bedtime, one full day and a morning - away from Friday evening to Sunday lunch. Still hard on mum, and only if she feel ok with it, but the 4 days is ridiculous.

Ferrityverity · 14/11/2021 12:11

Just sorry OP that you're even with a man that thinks this is okay. No he shouldn't be pissng off on a blender abroad when he has a newborn at home.

Sapphire387 · 14/11/2021 12:12

@Irishmom7

Love some of these comments..

Really OP, I gave birth to triplets in my own bath, just by sneezing, and then breastfed all three of them at the same time and then whipped up an organic vegan dinner for me and my two year old while my husband was in Paris for the night with his lover and my blessing. How come you’re so incompetent?

LOL. But seriously, it is worrying how many excuses some women will make for entitled male behaviour.

OP, your husband shouldn't even be contemplating this.

HarrisMcCoo · 14/11/2021 12:39

My DH is best man at a wedding next weekend in a different part of the UK to where we live. I have four DC and a large dog. We have booked the dog into boarding kennels for the weekend as I would find being at home for three days too much with small children too. Youngest is 4yo but has additional needs. 6yo also has additional needs.

I don't blame you OP. I felt very anxious about DH going to this wedding but it's his best friend who was also our best man at our own wedding years ago.

I am getting in some nice food for next weekend. Hopefully all goes well with the birth OP. And if possible can you get family to stay with you to give practical support whilst he is away? That may work.

tcjotm · 14/11/2021 12:43

@Marvellousmadness

Oh stop it youll be allright My bff has a partner in the military who just left to go overseas for 6 months. She has a newborn and an 18 month old

Its just a few days op.

Her partner is in the military, they are notorious for being very inflexible with personal circumstances. I doubt there was any choice in the deployment and they knew that when they had kids.

OP’s husband has been invited - not summoned, no military police for going AWOL if he declines - to a fucking party! How does that possibly compare?

HarrisMcCoo · 14/11/2021 12:47

If he insists on going, getting family help to stay with you overnight could work.

NameChange30 · 14/11/2021 12:56

@Moonbabysmum

The 4 days certainly sounds like a jolly. If he REALLY wants to go, then I'd suggest he goes on a schedule like this:

If the wedding was on a Saturday, for example.

Help with bedtime, make sure mum has eaten, catch a late flight. Arrive early hours of the morning, sleep in late (given most weddings aren't until about lunch).

Go to the wedding and reception, and get the last flight of the night back. He'll arrive in the UK in the middle of the night again, and can sleep at an airport hotel for a few hours, making sure he's back home by lunch.

He'll have missed one bedtime, one full day and a morning - away from Friday evening to Sunday lunch. Still hard on mum, and only if she feel ok with it, but the 4 days is ridiculous.

This is completely unrealistic. You've made a bizarre assumption that there will be fights scheduled exactly when needed, and that there will be no or little transfer time to/from the airport, not to mention possible delays. It's more likely he'd have to leave early on Friday morning and wouldn't get back until Sunday evening, but it all depends on flight times.
DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 14/11/2021 13:03

@1forAll74

Surely it's possible for you to cope well. I had a one week old daughter, who my Late Husband delivered on the back seat of our car, and three days later, he had to go on a business trip to the USA for 6 days, We also had a son who was just over three years old. Both our parents lived about 150 miles away, so had no help at all.
He delivered your daughter by C section in the back of your car ? Wow, that's phenomenal
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 13:06

He delivered your daughter by C section in the back of your car ? Wow, that's phenomenal

Grin
DameFanny · 14/11/2021 13:49

Reading the further responses is an interesting confirmation of which posters leave their brains at the door. Given the very specific post-birth dilemma, I'm also updating my list of posters who have either no imagination, or an undeclared penis. Or both, of course.

CellophaneFlower · 14/11/2021 14:25

Honestly it's irrelevant if you're having a planned section or have a crystal ball and can see you're going to have a perfect birth and amazing recovery. Even if it was a family member getting married, the fact he's even considered going is disgusting imo.

BackAwayFatty · 14/11/2021 14:31

I was on the fence until you mentioned having a c-section. I don't think he should go. You can't recover from major surgery with watching a newborn & a toddler!

TurquoiseDragon · 14/11/2021 14:58

OP, yes, I'm another voice chiming in with YANBU.

My first was ELCS, and that was hard enough without an older child in the mix.

But I suspect the DH wants to go because he wants a jolly, and because He has been dad of the year to date - more than his share of night wakings, early mornings, bathtime etc and even took shared parental leave. In other words, he feels entitled to this as some form of reward and isn't even thinking about any of the issues that surround this.

So, summarising many comments as well as my own thoughts, some bullet points the OP can use.

  1. A CS is major abdominal surgery, not a walk in the park. I struggled to stand up straight for 2-3 weeks, let alone anything else. And I have a stupidly high pain threshold.
  2. OP will not be able to drive until the doctor and her insurance clear her to do so, maybe at about 6 weeks (my insurers were happy as long as the doctor was, but they do still need to be told).
  3. OP will not be able to lift anything heavier than the baby for a similar amount of time. So not the 3 year old and that's also a no to quite a bit of the housework as well. No heavy washing, no hoovering (I found that really hurt my insides), no standing up for long periods cooking, etc.
  4. The 3 year old will be in a new situation they may struggle with, so possible sleep regression, tantrums, etc. I've even come across situations where a previously potty trained child had regressed on this as well and had toilet accidents while adjusting to the presence of their new sibling. How is OP going to help her older child when she's unable to lift them, or when the newborn is screaming and needs attention, when there is no one else around who can help?
  5. OP or the baby may need to go back into hospital, who will look after the 3 year old in this scenario? How easy would it be for the DH to come back in an emergency?
  6. Covid is an issue that should not be ignored. Cases are rising all over the place, and OP's DH could be exposed. A plane ride with its recycled air isn't going to help, and exposure could mean DH having to isolate thus leaving OP alone for longer.

The wedding, for an acquaintance not a close friend, is not worth this. He really should not go, and also he should have come to this conclusion himself.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 14:58

100% unreasonable, even without the CS.

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