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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:

MrMrsJones · 14/11/2021 09:57

If its a complete change of character who within the friendship group is he desperate to spend 4 nights with?

tickledtiger · 14/11/2021 09:59

Ah no op you aren’t being OTT at all. But I feel bad for your DH because he doesn’t want to miss out!

At two weeks after your second CS you might be in quite a bit of pain, you might have had complications, you aren’t supposed to be doing any lifting for a few weeks anyway.

You are probably in for a very rough week if he does this to you.

timeisnotaline · 14/11/2021 10:00

MissCruellaDeVil
They're your children, I'm sure you'll be fine!
Another one thinking this is the stupidest comment out of a fine list of candidates.
Did you know you’ve had two children through immaculate conception op? What’s that? Conceived the usual way? Oh phew. They are his children then, so he will of course be fine, and stay home to pull his weight.

MGMidget · 14/11/2021 10:00

No he shouldn't be wanting to go abroad at this time. If it is that important to him and you have no family support suggest he coughs up for a live in maternity nurse for a week so she can get to know you for a day or so before he goes and be there for handover when he gets back.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 10:02

Also with that timeline, it looks like he'll be using his paternity leave to go on this jolly? Charming.

CasaBonita · 14/11/2021 10:04

My husband had to miss a wedding 3 weeks after I gave birth. I'd had a natural (traumatic) delivery and was in a lot of pain as well as being pretty shell shocked at suddenly being a parent.

He was only meant to be away for 1 day and night but I said no. I genuinely couldn't cope. I remember him being disappointed but he agreed without making a big deal out of it.

I honestly don't think the vast majority of men have the slightest clue what pregnancy, Labour and the post partum period does to our bodies and mental state. They're fucking clueless. It's not right but sadly the way it is for a lot of us.

ActonBell · 14/11/2021 10:04

Having read your posts and some (not all sorry) of the responses, the only thing I can think is that your DH has a really poor understanding of what a csection involves. So maybe he has some mistaken impression that because you won’t labour like last time (though of course you still could if baby decides to make an appearance before the section) you will somehow be in a much better way than you would be otherwise.

That and he must have blocked out some key memories of the newborn days with your first.

I would suggest sitting down with some of the medical information about csections and reading it through then asking if he still thinks it’s a good idea to go.

So, for example if you look at the NHS guidance you can see if clearly says it may take up to 6 weeks for you to be able to lift anything heavier than your baby. And you won’t be able to drive during this time.

Classicblunder · 14/11/2021 10:04

People keep saying this, I assume more as a bluff because they assume that he won't actually be willing to pay for a maternity nanny on top of his holiday, but I think it's shit solution if he is. I wouldn't have wanted a stranger in the house at that point post-birth (and it would have really freaked out my toddler) and I wouldn't have seen it as any kind of substitute for the support and care of the man who, you know, stood up in front of a lot of people saying he'd love me and care for me in sickness and in health.

Totally agree - there are some things that you can't outsource

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2021 10:05

@KurtWilde

Also with that timeline, it looks like he'll be using his paternity leave to go on this jolly? Charming.

I was thinking this - either he's using paternity leave or he's using annual leave that he clearly could have taken at that point to have more time at home with his wife, preschooler and new baby. Either way using it for a solo holiday is shitty.

Wonderfulstuff · 14/11/2021 10:05

OP - maybe are a victim of your own success as DH clearly thinks as you were up and about so quickly after your first c-section then you'll be the same for this one. He also probably has some rose tinted glasses and perhaps remembers that post birth phase as easy peasy.

As others have said, he is being unreasonable and you are being totally fine to say a big fat NO.

hotmeatymilk · 14/11/2021 10:06

If its a complete change of character who within the friendship group is he desperate to spend 4 nights with?
I think it’s probably more like a last hoorah realisation that they’re back to the baby years again, only now twice as hard because they’ve got a preschooler, and is seeing this as his last opportunity to blow off steam/be the pre-children him. He can’t do the stag as it’s around the due date, therefore wedding.

If it’s as out of character as OP says, he’ll quickly realise he can’t go – and at the two-week newborn mark go “holy shit that was a mad idea wasn’t it?”

I want OP to come back and update that he’s decided to be sensible! Not that it will stop the poor-reading-comprehension crowd from chiming in…

peboh · 14/11/2021 10:06

The title of this thread had me thinking yabu... however yanbu given the circumstances.
I can appreciate your husband wanting to go his friends wedding, however it's far too soon after your baby is due to solidify those plans... therefore his answer should be no, without hesitancy. You have no idea how the birth is going to go, you could still be in hospital at that date (hopefully it's all straightforward and your home asap), you could have a long recovery time dependent on anything and not able to be super hands on with your 3 year old. Tell him to think of the variables, and if he still wants to go, then you have a dh problem.

LowlandLucky · 14/11/2021 10:07

You would cope just fine but i think he is well out of order to even consider it. Tell him he has responsibilities, he is not a single childless guy and that he needs to grow up.

EwwSprouts · 14/11/2021 10:12

Nothing to be terrified of with a bit of forward planning for food and supplies. Just have him get himself to from/airport and you will be fine.

Lol. Cos every birth is to schedule and without trauma. And do add in the lack of sleep that is 100% guaranteed.

OP your DH needs to work on his empathy.

Yummymummy2020 · 14/11/2021 10:15

Ah stop I have two under two and I wouldn’t want that either! I’d be a bit miffed it was even considered to be honest!!! I wasn’t even remotely recovered at two weeks and i personally needed my partner there mentally and physically. I think you should say it out straight and furthermore in no way is it anything to feel akward about! Completely reasonable to expect him to stick around and not be going abroad for days on end for a wedding when he isn’t even close to the couple!!!

itsallgoingpearshaped · 14/11/2021 10:18

I'd point out quietly that he should be on paternity leave at that time, and paternity leave is there to support you and help with the new baby and your other little one, not swan off on holiday and leave you to it. You're supposed to be a team. Not to mention, but what if you end up having a c-section? You won't be able to lift, drive, move comfortably for those first couple of weeks.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 10:22

If I was at a wedding, especially one abroad that required a few nights away, and a guest told me his partner was at home with their toddler and newborn after a c section I would think he was such a colossal arsehole.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 10:26

Not to mention, but what if you end up having a c-section?

OP has said she IS having a c-section.

For the umpteenth time, does no one read OPs updates?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 10:30

@PlanDeRaccordement

What are your tips then for safely lifting a three year old two weeks after a c section? Seriously, I'd love to hear them.

Because as far as I'm aware it's against all medical advice.

Tips welcome though as you think it is fine for OP to be left to do so in order for her partner to attend a not close friend's wedding abroad for four days.

OhamIreally · 14/11/2021 10:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I was coming on to say exactly this.

Men don't mind being selfish but don't like people to see them that way.

OP - ask your husband what he will say when people at the wedding ask where you are? Ask him specifically if he will tell them that you have just had a c-section and are home alone looking after his newborn and toddler and how will he view himself as he tells them this.

If he doesn't look even the slightest bit ashamed then that tells you a lot about the man you're married to.

BeardieWeirdie · 14/11/2021 10:43

I’d be seriously rethinking my marriage if my husband thought this acceptable.
And if I were the bride and groom, there is no way that I would be wanting him there under the circumstances.

itsstillgood · 14/11/2021 10:45

At two weeks past due date I was in hospital both times.
I would be annoyed that he'd even considered it. My husband has often gone away for work/leisure without me. Leaving me with the kids. I have never had a problem as I know he would never consider anything as daft as 2 weeks after due date. In the UK for the day, or even an overnight with the caveat of if needed he'd cancel I'd actually encourage. But abroad for 4 days is absurd.

CecilyP · 14/11/2021 10:46

If I was the MIL my son would be told in no uncertain terms to get his priorities straight!

Agreed. I’d be horrified.

Notgoingonholiday · 14/11/2021 10:48

Aside from the whole idea being very selfish and totally ridiculous, the fact that it's causing you so much worry and stress now during your pregnancy is not ok. DH should be doing everything he can to make sure the pregnancy goes well and you are happy, not suggesting things that are causing huge anxiety. Can he not see how worried you are? Does that not bother him? I hope he makes the right decision for all of your sakes.

CecilyP · 14/11/2021 10:54

Ah no op you aren’t being OTT at all. But I feel bad for your DH because he doesn’t want to miss out!

Why do you feel sorta. It’s the sort of thing you do when young, free and single and can do again when kids are older. For a short period of your life, if you are a parent, you accept you don’t have that kind of freedom.

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