Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
JeanBrash · 14/11/2021 09:18

@thepinknecklace

Where is the wedding?

Can he drive and come home?

I would’ve been ok with mine at newborn and age 4 and after a c section. Quiet day in and chill out. Up to you though

Snort

Unable to read the OP and an empathy bypass

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 09:19

Lifting anything heavier than the new born post c section is against medical advice. What if OP's stitches split & she gets an infection? If there is literally no other option then there is no other option, but you're effectively comparing divorce / separation etc to a 4 day trip abroad for a wedding. That isn't a good enough reason to force OP into actions against medical advice which could lead to an unsafe position for her and both children.

@Ajl46 I'm not comparing anything of the sort. All I'm saying is that some of us have had to do it. And no. It's not ideal, so if you've read my posts properly you'll also see I've said he absolutely shouldn't go and should be supporting OP during that time.

There's a lot of what iffery on this thread. Bottom line is he's being a twat and needs to give his head a wobble.

Warblerinwinter · 14/11/2021 09:20

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
For starters….
  1. The baby could be late, so only just out of hospital
  2. She could end up with c-section. So needs help with a lot of things as it’s a major operation
  3. She could have other complications during birth that also mean she could need more help or god forbid she is actually in hospital still
  4. She could be struggling with feeding whether breast or not and having to pay attention to a 3 year old all the time will not allow that
  5. Exactly how is sh3 supposed to rest after sleepless nights with a 3 year old she has to manage on her own

Will that do?

Warblerinwinter · 14/11/2021 09:20

I’d say it’s ok if he pays for a maternity nurse during the day at least to be there to support you

Pbbananabagel · 14/11/2021 09:21

Oh hell no. If you’ve had a c section without support around you will have a really hellish time. If he wants to go, he goes for 1 night only (and organises you a friend or nanny to stay.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 09:22

@ChuckMater

If baby is 2 weeks late then DH will be leaving you with less than a week old. Is be really likely to actually do that?
SHE'S HAVING A PLANNED C-SECTION.
MonsteraDeliciosa · 14/11/2021 09:23

What a depressing thread. The inability of so many posters to read is irritating, but worse still the attitude that OP and her children will likely still be alive after being left alone for four days, and that's a perfectly adequate outcome, so unnecessary travel is fine on DHs part.

TheWeeDonkey · 14/11/2021 09:23

@Hardbackwriter

I find the few posters who can't understand why OP would mind this so sad - you'd have to have a properly shit husband to not see why you'd want him around two weeks after giving birth.
I agree, its very sad. For many the bar is in hell, but we know this, have you seen the Relationships board?

I think some posters see their partners as someone who 'gave' them a child rather than someone who also became a parent and so don't see the father / child relationship as particularly important. Thats how the cycle works.

When I had a hysterectomy my DH didn't realise how major the surgey was until he did some research of his own. Then he chose to book time of with me so he could look after me at home while I recovered. I have done the same for him after surgery, we did this because we're a team and we support and look after each other. I can't imagine spending my life with someone and having such little regard for each other.

OP I can't see how this is going to work if you have no outside help, if a trusted family member could stop over to help pick up the slack that wouldn't be great, but it would be something (and TBH if you were my daughter I would be judging him and if you were my DIL I would have knocked that idea on the head quick smart) but you don't have that option either.

I think like others have said he hasn't fully thought through the implications of you having major surgery and having 2 small children to look after on to of everything else, but he needs to learn and quickly.

This is not just an inconvenience to you, it could have serious implications on your short term and long term health.

jellybe · 14/11/2021 09:25

Bloody hell you are nit being unreasonable. You DP is being a knob if he hasn't already said, unprompted, ' of course I won't be going now with the baby being so small at that point'

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2021 09:26

@Warblerinwinter

I’d say it’s ok if he pays for a maternity nurse during the day at least to be there to support you
People keep saying this, I assume more as a bluff because they assume that he won't actually be willing to pay for a maternity nanny on top of his holiday, but I think it's shit solution if he is. I wouldn't have wanted a stranger in the house at that point post-birth (and it would have really freaked out my toddler) and I wouldn't have seen it as any kind of substitute for the support and care of the man who, you know, stood up in front of a lot of people saying he'd love me and care for me in sickness and in health.
OnGoldenPond · 14/11/2021 09:33

OP, point out to your DH that if for any reason you need to be readmitted to hospital for complications from the C section (not an unlikely scenario) your 3 year old would have to be taken into temporary foster care. Think of the trauma that would cause them.

Let him chew on that. He's prepared to risk that just so he can go off and enjoy himself. Bastard.

TheWeeDonkey · 14/11/2021 09:34

I think a lot of people forget what those vows mean.

I also think a lot of people forget that men become parents too and are not just sperm donors who pay the bills if you're lucky.

MrsMariaReynolds · 14/11/2021 09:34

So he's offered to give the stag do a miss? What a hero! Hmm

Seriously, Op. This would be a "HELL to the NO" scenario for me.

My DH went away for several nights, 2 weeks after I gave birth (for job interviews). It was an emergency c-section, and I could JUST about cope at that point. But 1.) it was my only child and 2.) my mother came to stay with me. I couldn't imagine having to cope with a toddler at the same time, on my own. No way.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/11/2021 09:34

My dh went to a wedding in the states about 3 weeks before my due date. I stayed with my parents. He had to be convinced and the agreement was until he was on the plane either of us could call it off. Him and 2 other guys flew out the Friday and were home the Sunday so probably spent more times traveling then at the wedding. The 2 other guys there had small babies too but they were first babies and their wives were also staying with their parents. So if they can manage only 2 nights for a best friend in America I definitely think 4 is taking the piss especially if it's a shorter flight. That's before you add on no support and another toddler and a section.

But if in life he's a decent person and not an asshole maybe he'll come to this conclusion himself? We asked my doctor about that wedding for dh and he was all for it but I imagine if it was 2 weeks post due date he'd have been giving my dh a look as if he was cracked.

tara66 · 14/11/2021 09:38

Just tell him he cannot go - the sooner the better.

BertieBotts · 14/11/2021 09:43

@Classicblunder

If you have a close relative (mum/MIL/sister etc?

Gotta love the sexism! My dad was the one I got to help me in a similar situation. I would have done it on my own rather than have my mother

Yes hence "etc" FFS
Stickyjamhands · 14/11/2021 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 14/11/2021 09:44

@PlanDeRaccordement

Nothing to be terrified of with a bit of forward planning for food and supplies. Just have him get himself to from/airport and you will be fine.
Great you have a crystal ball!
StampOnTheGround · 14/11/2021 09:46

Similar thing here, my DH has a stag do abroad around the due date which he isn't going to of course. The wedding will be when little one is 4 weeks old, I think all of us will be going but if not, DH will definitely still be attending, it's just one day and if I feel uncomfortable at all I'll get my mum to join me for the day. DH doesn't drink though if that's a difference as he'll always be on hand to drive back if needed.

Twixxed · 14/11/2021 09:47

Of course yanbu. If it was his brother's wedding then maybe there might be a compromise to be made, but for (not even a close) friend - no way. My youngest is 5 months now and we would still struggle to make this work. At 2 weeks it would have been hell.

Twixxed · 14/11/2021 09:49

For me it's the juggle of two that makes it hard - bed times, coping with a toddler after being up in the night with a newborn... When I had just the one baby DH went abroad on a stag and it was fine but I feel like now it would be awful!

TheWeeDonkey · 14/11/2021 09:51

If you have a close relative mum/MIL/sister etc

If I was the MIL my son would be told in no uncertain terms to get his priorities straight!

SoupDragon · 14/11/2021 09:52

I have no family nearby

Do you have family who could stay?

I had DD as a single parent and my parents came up to stay to help with the older 2.

If you say it is out of character for him, it sounds like it is important for some reason. I think I'd look for a solution. Does he need to stay for 4 nights? Is that because of flight availability?

TheCraicDealer · 14/11/2021 09:53

I'd be telling him he'll need to pack for longer than four days as he won't be coming back to this house if he does go.

Stuck on your own with a toddler and a newborn, not able to drive, not being able to lift the toddler, not sleeping, trying to get on top of a rough routine, possibly trying to get BF established, hormones all over the place, feeling guilty because toddler needs some reassurance, blah blah blah. Sounds like hell.

I hope for your sake this is one of those things where he's testing the water to see what the reaction is and drops it when he realises how selfish he's being.

PinkSkirt · 14/11/2021 09:54

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
Congratulations, you win the title of most quoted (and stupid) post on a thread.
Swipe left for the next trending thread