Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

Some really weird comments on here.
Yes op could ‘cope’ and would ‘manage’ or could get others to help her.

Point is she shouldn’t have to.
Not making yourself available to parent your children when the youngest is only days\ weeks old just for a wedding is the height of selfish and really lacking in parental responsibility.

I wonder, if roles were reversed if he’d be happy with her going off for 4 days. I’d suspect not.

Absolutely no chance. He needs to be at home with his wife and children, no stag do and no wedding.

Hey, there's shame in not being able to 'manage'

I cant believe some people's responses sometimes

The first 2 weeks of a newborn are really hard. I don't blame you at all. It would be safer for him not to go to the wedding

He absolutely should not go. I recall DH going out to a night out about an hour away when DD2 was about 4 days old following a planned C section and DD1 was 3. He expected not to be able to go at all, despite training for that night out for 3 months as part of a regular club thing. I decided on the afternoon that I was ok with him going. I had my sister 10 minutes away and he would have come back if there was a disaster. Whilst normally he would have stayed away, he came back that night. I’d have been threatening divorce if he planned 4 nights away on a jolly.

You should not be lifting the 3 year old at 2 weeks post section.

If it's a close friend, I think he should go, but for as short a time as possible (unless it's Australia, then away for 2 nights max, preferably just 1. 4 nights is too much.

I'm saying this as someone who had planned sections, and would have been ok with this at a few weeks with a toddler to look after (and was picking them up at this stage fine).

If a friend or family member can child and stay, all the better.

@Irishmom7

Love some of these comments..

Really OP, I gave birth to triplets in my own bath, just by sneezing, and then breastfed all three of them at the same time and then whipped up an organic vegan dinner for me and my two year old while my husband was in Paris for the night with his lover and my blessing. How come you’re so incompetent?

🤣

@CecilyP

How would you lift the 3 year old 2 weeks after a c section? It's against medical advice.

In fairness, OP didn’t put she was having a C-section in her original post. Even so, I have no idea how he could consider it acceptable.

Though in some ways that makes it a more stupid assumption on PDRs part. At least with an ELCS, the OP would know she's not going to be actually giving birth around the time of the wedding. Whereas if she were going to attempt a VB, it's a possibility she would be coming round from an EMCS after a failed induction as the happy couple say their vows.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

You need to work on your empathy.

You will definitely need help, you can't be left alone like this so getting paid help to come and stay with you needs to be factored in as part of the cost of the trip. A doula might be appropriate given how recently you'll gave given birth, or a nanny - possibly a separate day nanny and night nanny. Yes this will be expensive but it is just as important as the money he wants to spend on travel, food, clothes and gifts. If the cost of ensuring that you have the help you need to cope isn't affordable then he can't afford to go.

Does no one bother reading OPs updates anymore?? I can't believe there are STULL posters talking about the labour etc when OP had stated she's having a planned c-section

Sounds to me like the OP doesn't actually have the date of the CS yet so it could be any time around the date of the wedding.

I'm hoping by now OP has explained in words of one syllable to the dad why this isn't happening.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable OP. Thankfully most responses are sane, but the internalised misogyny of a few of the replies is sickening. That’s assuming they’re not men pretending to be women to troll.

@Turtles25

You'll be absolutely fine. I had a newborn and a 13mth old. I survived to tell the tale haha.

If you don't want him to go, tell him.

I also had a newborn and a 13 month old. Plus I'd had a c-section with DC2. But no way would I have wanted to have been left alone for 4 nights just two weeks after having DC2. And I probably could have coped. Doesn't mean I should have to though, not for anything other than something totally unavoidable.

@Irishmom7

Love some of these comments..

Really OP, I gave birth to triplets in my own bath, just by sneezing, and then breastfed all three of them at the same time and then whipped up an organic vegan dinner for me and my two year old while my husband was in Paris for the night with his lover and my blessing. How come you’re so incompetent?

🤣🤣

@KurtWilde

I am finding these 'you won't be able to lift your toddler' and 'how will you ever shower with a newborn and toddler' a bit grating. I hate to say 'how do you think us single parents manage it?' but the fact is that women DO manage to do this without a partner present. And OP will be doing it when her partner goes back to work anyway.

HOWEVER, when there's a partner available it stands to sense it would be easier and better for OP if he was there! Especially if it's just a bloody wedding of a not even very close mate!

Lifting anything heavier than the new born post c section is against medical advice. What if OP's stitches split & she gets an infection? If there is literally no other option then there is no other option, but you're effectively comparing divorce / separation etc to a 4 day trip abroad for a wedding. That isn't a good enough reason to force OP into actions against medical advice which could lead to an unsafe position for her and both children.

To those who ask why can't OP manage. You really need to have a chat with yourselves.

Are you one of these martyr women who need to constantly prove something to their menfolk and to everyone else. I think answers like these say more about the person voicing it and their demons/drivers in life.

It shows where his priorities lie that’s for sure. I would be utterly horrified if my DH did this and honestly would contemplate divorce. I didn’t sign up to spend my life with someone and bear their children in order to be abandoned after birth so they could go to a party with someone they don’t even know well. All these cool wives saying it’s no big deal with some forward planning - this is a wedding of someone he doesn’t even know that well, not an emergency situation where you HAVE to cope. What on Earth is the point of a partner who puts you so far down the priority list? These women should have some self respect and stop accepting such shit treatment.

If it was a local wedding with one night away I think that would be fine but 4 nights overseas is not fair. It is too far and too long. I don’t understand why people need to have stag/hen dos and wedding which requires people have to spend so much and time and money on them. If he does not see your point maybe show him this thread to get the message across.

If baby is 2 weeks late then DH will be leaving you with less than a week old. Is be really likely to actually do that?

If I was chatting to someone at a wedding and they mentioned they had flown in from abroad, were staying for 4 nights and had left his wife behind at home a few days post C section with a newborn and a 3 yr old I would be and judge him as the most selfish twat ever. While quickly walking away.

OP will have had major abdominal surgery and won't even be able to lift the 3 year old! What the hell is he thinking?

Even without the C section this would have been a deal breaker for me. I couldn't bear to spend my life with someone so uninterested in his own children and so uncaring towards their mother.

If you had family nearby or a friend able to stay I'd say he could go but without that it's madness. If you are having a C-section it's major surgery, you will need support to look after the 3 year old at least.

My husband went to China for a week when my second was born. She was almost 2 weeks when he left. But one granny took the 3yr old to her house for the week and I had my mother come help me with the baby.

Tell him no unless he can arrange support for you.

Haven’t rtft but no way and I can’t believe some people have voted YABU! My dc2 was born in March and had to be admitted to hospital between days 10 & 13 with jaundice & an infection so dh had to look after our 3yo. At 2 weeks old, dc2 only reliably slept between about 6-9am so dh was getting up with dd1 & also bringing me breakfast in bed once dc2 had woken up. I bf so was spending hours every day getting feeding established at that point & would have struggled so much on my own. I think your dh is being monumentally selfish.

I was single when dc2 was born. Straightforward birth.

Had to go to A&E with her when she was a week old.

12 days later was readmitted with mastitis.

So even the mythical 'single mums' have these issues and can't do it alone.

DH is being insanely selfish.

If it's a close friend, I think he should go, but for as short a time as possible (unless it's Australia, then away for 2 nights max, preferably just 1. 4 nights is too much.

I disagree. Even if it’s his best friend ever, if said friend chooses to marry abroad, he can’t expect even his closest friend come when he has other responsibilities.

Absolutely no way for that long. Of course you COULD manage, but it would just be so tough on you- physically and emotionally; newborns are hard enough and ideally you want someone to be focused on your 3 year old so a) you can focus on the baby and b) for the benefit of your older child- a new arrival can be tough for them and having another adult there to focus on them is really important for their well-being as well as yours.

Would DH not consider what his friends would say when he’s at this wedding- how’s OP? Oh she’s fine, our second baby was born 2 weeks ago so she’s just home with them and DC one- most people would think he was a complete asshole for voluntarily leaving you to deal with that. And ignore the competitive ‘I gave birth at Everest base camp and still made the summit with baby in a sling and a toddler at my heel’ comments, yes there are plenty of people having to deal with tough situations but doesn’t mean you willingly put someone in that situation.