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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 14/11/2021 08:41

He’s prioritising a friends life event over his own families life event.

Tell him he’s free to go, but not to come back…..

tenredthings · 14/11/2021 08:42

It sounds like he's clueless and or selfish. Of course he shouldn't go. I'd be really pissed off that he even suggested it. It's not fair that you should need to stress about this on top of preparing to give birth. He needs to grow up and get his priorities straight.

Whatinthelord · 14/11/2021 08:42

Yea he absolutely shouldn’t be going.
What if you’re unwell, need more physical help than expected post birth (eg you get an infection or have low iron).

Just tell him straight you want him at home.
I think a few weeks without being away from home, unless absolutely necessary, is the minimum expectation of a parent with a tiny newborn.

I get it’s hard for him to miss his friends wedding, but it really should be a no brainier.

LuaDipa · 14/11/2021 08:44

Ya absolutely not bu.

Yes you could cope but you shouldn’t have to . You’re not a single mum, you have a bloody husband, albeit a batshit thoughtless one. Of course he can’t go, no-one will be expecting him at the wedding given your newborn and if he pursues this I would be reconsidering the marriage.

Honestly, it still shocks me what some women think is acceptable behaviour. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Ajl46 · 14/11/2021 08:44

@PlanDeRaccordement

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

If the birth went traumatically, then I would expect my DH to cancel and stay. But to say up front don’t go because what if this and what if that seems very pessimistic.

How would you lift the 3 year old 2 weeks after a c section? It's against medical advice.
Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 08:44

@MissCruellaDeVil

They're your children, I'm sure you'll be fine!
That's one of the stupidest responses I've ever seen on here.
Fallagain · 14/11/2021 08:45

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
Presumably because she could be a few days after having major surgery with both a new born a toddler to look after. Even if she isn’t new born need to be feed every 2 hours from start of feed to start of feed so OP will probably be surviving on sleeping in 45 mins blocks.
Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 08:45

@dchange

The issue here is how helpful is he when around. If my husband is really helpful and I know when he gets back he would go above and beyond I honestly see no issues with this. Also, he sounds a little considerate as he is not going for the stag do. I know some men that will go do all.
CONSIDERATE?? Do you need help picking that bar up off the floor?
EnidFrighten · 14/11/2021 08:47

No. Yanbu. I'd be offended that he thought a friend's wedding was more important tbh.

LynetteScavo · 14/11/2021 08:47

He shouldn't be leaving you with a three year old 2 weeks after any type of major surgery, let alone with a new born to take care of as well.

I cope very well with newborns, but after a Caesarian, for four days, also with a three year old? No. Just no.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 08:47

@1forAll74

Surely it's possible for you to cope well. I had a one week old daughter, who my Late Husband delivered on the back seat of our car, and three days later, he had to go on a business trip to the USA for 6 days, We also had a son who was just over three years old. Both our parents lived about 150 miles away, so had no help at all.
So, major abdominal surgery on the backseat was it?
LetHimHaveIt · 14/11/2021 08:49

'Nanny0gg

MissCruellaDeVil
They're your children, I'm sure you'll be fine!

That's one of the stupidest responses I've ever seen on here.'

Agreed - although the poster who thinks the OP may be imperilling her family finances by not allowing her husband to go to one of these well-known 'Networking Weddings', runs her a pretty close second . . .

stonebrambleboy · 14/11/2021 08:49

So he'll be disappointed to miss the wedding of a not particularly close friend, well big deal.
Just tell him he's not going.

CecilyP · 14/11/2021 08:49

How would you lift the 3 year old 2 weeks after a c section? It's against medical advice.

In fairness, OP didn’t put she was having a C-section in her original post. Even so, I have no idea how he could consider it acceptable.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 08:49

I really think the National Curriculum for English
needs revising again.

The level of comprehension on this thread is shockingly low.

Sadly empathy can't be taught

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/11/2021 08:51

I honestly don't think he should do it.

While most pregnancies and births go manageably well, you just never know what's going to happen and if you're having a CS then you just don't know how well you're going to cope afterwards until you have to do it!

If you don't have a parent/sibling who could come and stay with you while your DH is planning to be away, then he should stay.

A friend of mine was pretty much bed-bound after her CS for 2 weeks - 5 days in hospital and the rest at home. Another though, was up and about in 3 days no problem (and had to be forcibly restrained from doing things she shouldn't have been, considering the surgery she'd just had!)

Even if it was your first baby, I wouldn't think it was a good idea - but with a 3yo as well, I think he's definitely got it wrong.

Ajl46 · 14/11/2021 08:53

YADNBU. If he wants to go he needs to provide a 24/7 private post natal nanny to help you out.

hotmeatymilk · 14/11/2021 08:54

Also, he sounds a little considerate as he is not going for the stag do. I know some men that will go do all.
There you go, he’s only going to one unnecessary four-day party while the OP recovers from major surgery with two children to look after, not two. What a prince among men!

Some of you need to raise the fucking bar cos it’s six feet under, which coincidentally is where my DP would be if he contemplated such an arsehole move.

Hardbackwriter · 14/11/2021 08:55

If he really wanted to go I would try and work it that he can. Get a friend /family member over or pay for childcare help

Why on earth would you run around trying to accommodate this?

I would honestly be embarrassed to tell my parents that DH was going on holiday and leaving me at home with a newborn and a 3 year old. They would come and help (though OP says she has no family help anyway - not everyone does) but I think they'd be very sad for me, and very angry with him; I can't imagine they'd see him the same way again. I don't think I would, either.

BertieBotts · 14/11/2021 08:55

In general; no.

If you have a close relative (mum/MIL/sister etc?) who would come and stay with you for those four days then maybe? It would need to be someone you wouldn't mind seeing you bleeding and booby, and someone you won't feel you need to "host" so it's a big if to combine that with availability.

I think ideally you need another adult around, mainly for the toddler. Sure, if you had to (emergency/single/etc) then you'd make it work but it's not a necessary reason for him to be gone for 4 days.

You wouldn't be insured to drive, not a good idea to pick toddler up and that's without all the new sibling rivalry, after effects of separation (which considering there's been a pandemic is I guess likely a first for your toddler). You'll be establishing breastfeeding, baby may not want to be put down.

What if there are complications with the birth/recovery and either you or baby need continuing medical care?

I have a 12 week old and 3 year old, absolutely no way, not without another adult I felt VERY comfortable with. I wasn't even confident to look after both of them at once initially because I didn't have a good measure of whether the 3yo was likely to do something dangerous.

Mulhollandmagoo · 14/11/2021 08:56

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?
You may or may not be able to, but I still wouldn't risk it as you could end up doing yourself some damage Flowers Is your husband pushing to go or would he stay if you outright asked him to? I'd like to think this wouldn't even be a conversation though to be honest, he's either really dense or really selfish.

In the even that he does act like a massive twat and go, is there anyone that can come and stay with you to help?

BertieBotts · 14/11/2021 08:57

And post separation of birth my 3yo was initially very clingy to me and then started to have nightmares which are only just settling 12 weeks in.

BlusteringBoobies · 14/11/2021 08:58

@Irishmom7 😆 I was going to attempt a post like this but can't top yours.

BurbageBrook · 14/11/2021 09:00

This thread has been equally illuminating and depressing in demonstrating the incredibly low bar some women have for the men in their lives. Unbelievable.

Classicblunder · 14/11/2021 09:01

If you have a close relative (mum/MIL/sister etc?

Gotta love the sexism! My dad was the one I got to help me in a similar situation. I would have done it on my own rather than have my mother