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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
MeridianB · 14/11/2021 08:15

Apart from it being a ridiculous idea on his part, I can’t get over that all this fuss is for an acquaintance and not family or a close friend.

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Beautiful3 · 14/11/2021 08:17

He really hasn't thought this through has he? You might have the babynlate and be stuck in hospital. Or if there's something wrong with the baby, it needs to stay in hospital and you'll have to visit daily to breastfeed. Another possibility is that you'll have an emergency c section which means a long stay in hospital and no lifting and driving when you're discharged. Your husband needs to be available for you to look after the other child. He sounds incredibly selfish. I'm shocked he would even want to do this. I'd be incredibly hurt.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 14/11/2021 08:17

that is going to be hard op.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 14/11/2021 08:18

do you have family who can stay with you?

Merryhobnobs · 14/11/2021 08:21

I cannot believe that people think the OP IS being unreasonable. Yes some people do have to manage because they are on own or partner had to go away. This is a choice. And who knows the birth may be super easy and all grand... Or it might not be! My last baby was 13 days late and then we were kept in for another 3 days as I had sepsis (all ended up well). You just cannot predict. Even if everything is fine my husband would not have wanted to leave in those early days unless necessary.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/11/2021 08:23

Why 4 days /nights

If wedding is a Saturday for example

He flies out fri. Wedding next day. Flies home Sunday

So 2 nights away

Not sure why 4

Where is wedding location

If he really wanted to go I would try and work it that he can. Get a friend /family member over or pay for childcare help

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/11/2021 08:24

You need to tell him that you might physically be unable to manage
If he wants to go he needs to pay for a nanny

This I had a dream 2nd birth (4 hours in total). The first time I took the toddler and baby out together was at about 10 days. If he goes he is effectively putting you all on house arrest, very unfair particularly on the 3 yo.

pastabest · 14/11/2021 08:25

If I was also at that wedding (which I wouldn't be because it's abroad and child free) I would be judging him HARD for being there in that situation and it would really change my view of him.

I'm assuming most of the other people going are child free so won't realise the dickishness of what he is planning?

He does realise if he goes that all of your acquaintances with children will think he's a bit of a dick, which will have longer implications for friendships than not going to the wedding.

ExceptionalAssurance · 14/11/2021 08:26

Of course he cannot go to an event abroad on a date when you may well be giving birth or still hospitalised afterwards. The attempts to suggest otherwise have all been embarrassingly dense.

Beekindbeehumble · 14/11/2021 08:28

So when he has his appendix out, a 4 night shipping trip to New York whilst he has two under 5’s - sounds ideal, doesn’t it?

Bumblenums1234 · 14/11/2021 08:29

I would be really pissed off of this was even suggested to me tbh. I would be fine with him going away for 1 night in this contry but 4 nights abroad is a ridiculous ask imo.

PinkMochi · 14/11/2021 08:29

Four days is excessive for a wedding! People having destination weddings shouldn’t expect people to be there unless they pay for accommodation and flights.

He shouldn’t leave you at home, trying to recover from major surgery (c section) whilst also caring for a 2 year old.

He is too far away if something happens to you or your dc. Not including the 5 hour flight, he will have to travel to the airport, wait for the aeroplane and then find travel from airport to home.

Show him this thread @Frederica852

Cloudyzebra · 14/11/2021 08:29

Leaving aside his utter selfishness towards you OP, has he considered the impact on your 3 yo? They are going to have a new sibling who will take up an awful lot of Mums time and attention, then within two weeks Dad is going to disappear for a few days. That is an awful lot for a toddler to deal with in such a short space of time!

Flapjak · 14/11/2021 08:31

That would be a no from me. Its not the point whether you can manage or not manage. Its about him bring inconsiderate and selfish whn considering going off on holiday when you have a new baby. Can you imagine any women handing over a 2 week old baby to the dad and saying see you in 4 days !!

CecilyP · 14/11/2021 08:32

If he really wanted to go I would try and work it that he can. Get a friend /family member over or pay for childcare help

Why? Why should OP try to facilitate this? This is the wedding of a not particularly close friend who has chosen to marry abroad. So it’s not that important that he attends the wedding; it’s more a 4 day jolly abroad with a bunch of mates. It’s not something that OP has the choice to do so why should he? Unless you think acting like a parent, while compulsory for a mum, is some sort of optional extra for a dad.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 14/11/2021 08:33

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

You have no idea whether you would be able to lift a 3 year old 2 weeks after having a section. Even if you'd done it before, you wouldn't know if it would be possible this time round. Given that being unable to lift the toddler would make caring for them much more difficult indeed, as opposed to 'no problem', you are deluding yourself to imagine you could predict this.

Irishmom7 · 14/11/2021 08:35

Love some of these comments..

Really OP, I gave birth to triplets in my own bath, just by sneezing, and then breastfed all three of them at the same time and then whipped up an organic vegan dinner for me and my two year old while my husband was in Paris for the night with his lover and my blessing. How come you’re so incompetent?

autumnboys · 14/11/2021 08:35

An absolute no from me. You could still be pregnant/in hospital/ have had a tricky labour and still need some help. Definitely not what paternity leave is intended for.

justmetoday · 14/11/2021 08:36

I think its fair that he gets to go to one of them.

Ajl46 · 14/11/2021 08:37

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?
Because the baby needs pretty much constant attention and there is a toddler to look after too and who may be feeling jealous of the new baby? Because OP might end up with a c section in which case she won't be able to lift the toddler up? Because sleep deprivation with a newborn is really hard? Because OP will need to eat too but won't have time to get meals ready?
Crystalvas · 14/11/2021 08:37

You won’t be able to drive or do any lifting for a period of time after a c section. Therefore when your 3 year old needs lifting you won’t be able to do that either. Hes being very selfish OP leaving you alone with no support. Hes depending on everything going smoothly which might not be the case.

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2021 08:39

He wants to go away for 4 days, 2 weeks after you had major abdominal surgery and are still instructed to not drive, not lift heavy things etc leaving you coping with a newborn and toddler, in pain, bleeding, with stitches holding your innards in place so he can go on a four day holiday?

Is he a twat?

If it is the wedding he really really wants to go to to witness the beautiful sight of this mate he's not that close to marrying the love of his life he doesn't need 4 days for that. He could get the plane the night before, go to the ceremony then get the first flight back. Yes, it's tiring but he gets to witness the magnificent nuptials of a pal while not leaving his post c section partner alone for half a week.

Of course, he won't get a 4 day holiday and drink fest but he'll cope.

LakieLady · 14/11/2021 08:39

I'm Shock he's even suggesting it, OP.

Of course YANBU.

Ajl46 · 14/11/2021 08:39

@PlanDeRaccordement

Nothing to be terrified of with a bit of forward planning for food and supplies. Just have him get himself to from/airport and you will be fine.
What if the new baby has colic / reflux and won't sleep at all? What if the toddler feels jealous of the new baby and their routine goes out of the window? What if OP has a c section?
Calmdown14 · 14/11/2021 08:40

Is he expecting to be on paternity leave for any part of this trip? Because if I wee his employer and saw him on wedding pictures on the other side of the world without his family at this time, I'd take a very dim view. It is offered precisely because care is needed at home now that women are discharged so quickly from hospital.

What surprises me most about this is he's already an involved dad. I'd expect this from someone doing this for the first time with no idea what a new born baby involves. But he knows that.

Yes the OP could and would manage in the event of a family death or serious illness but this is a jolly so why should she? This decision is most cruel to the three year old. They could be stuck in the house five days solid or worse, if you or baby have to go back into hospital (mine did at two weeks) then where is toddler to go? I cannot fathom how any decent father could take that risk for a wedding

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