Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

This is nuts! YANBU AT ALL.
He’s prioritising a friends life event over his own families life event.
I can’t understand this at all.

If I were him I’d actually be really uncomfortable at the wedding if people there knew he had left his wife and newborn child to attend.

He needs a reality check.

I had a c section 10 days ago. I'm finally feeling a bit more human now. There is no way I'd have coped on my own with a newborn and my five year old (who has been my little helper), let alone a newborn born and a three year old! It's honestly been the worst experience of my life.

If you ended up having one for whatever reason, it would be nearly impossible.

It's a shame for him to miss it but he shouldn't be leaving you so soon after birth.

@cadburyegg

YANBU at all particularly as you're having a c section.

The scenario is OP with newborn and 3 yr old for 5 days/4 nights. Single mums do it all the time

They really don't, most single mums aren't single with newborns. i'm a single mum and look after my young kids 80% of the time on my own. Looking after a newborn and a 3 year old for several nights on my own after major surgery sounds like a new level of fresh hell to be honest. If I was ever in a position where I was flying solo with young kids after surgery I would enlist help/childcare/insist their father took time off to care for them, no way would I be pushing myself to do it on my own.

Quite.

No he shouldn't go! I had an emergency section for my 1st and recovery was great, was up and about straight away. Planned section with my second, although not terrible, was definitely harder to recover from and took longer. I don't understand why he would want to go anyway.

@WonderfulYou

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

I believe the 4 days was if he went to the stag do and the wedding as they are in different countries but he’ll only be going to the wedding now so it won’t need to be 4 days.

No. It's 4 days for both. So 8 days. The stag do is 2 weeks before the wedding.

Havent read the full threat but I have had a section and there's no way in hell it's acceptable for him to leave you with the kids after two weeks! What is he thinking??

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Because the baby will only be 2 weeks old, and if her birth is anything like mine and countless other women, she'll still be recovering, I could barely walk at that stage.

Yes, she'd cope if there was no one else around.. but this trip is completely optional.

Plus what if baby is late? She my be in the last stages of labour...or still be in hospital etc

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Really? You must have had easy kids!

Hi. I had a c section six weeks ago and I have a three year old too so can picture the scenario perfectly.
I think the only way this could have worked was if I’d had my mum to stay, or a rota of very reliable relatives to help. Particularly with toddler care.

C section recovery is a serious business. There were times I felt so physically exhausted I could barely stand up. You can have spells of feeling flu like symptoms. Not to mention you could get an infection or need to take baby back to hospital.
And you can’t drive so what if you or kids needed the doctor or hospital?!

Try telling the midwife or hospital staff what he’s planning. They won’t mince their words.

Maybe tell him if he wants to go he needs to arrange his cover - ship in some (actually helpful) relatives or pay a nanny to move in.

One last thing. My DH isn’t a bad one but didn’t ‘get’ how serious business c section recovery would be. The reason we managed was thanks to the midwives and health visitor telling us (him) in no uncertain terms that for six weeks I wouldn’t be cooking, lifting toddler, hoovering, driving etc and that id need lots of help. I fear if he hadn’t heard it from them he wouldn’t have got the message. (It was more like 3-4 weeks before I could do stuff like that but that varies and was prob cos I didn’t overdo it)

OP, you said he's saying he really wants to go, rather than 'I am going', so it sounds like he does understand it's an issue. I think it's okay to make it crystal clear to him that going away for four days – as PP said, this will also be taking up chunk of paternity leave – while you have a two-week old, toddler and C-section stitches to contend with would be the height of selfishness.

Also, has he given no thought to what might happen if he catches Covid and then has to isolate from you and the baby? 4-5 hour flight suggests the wedding is in Europe somewhere, where cases are rocketing and countries are locking down again. What if he gets stuck somewhere?

I honestly can't believe he's even considering going.

"As for saying Single Mothers do it... one of my friends older child had to go into Temporary Foster Care for a week to allow her to recover enough from her C Section to be able to look after a toddler as well as the baby."

That must have been difficult for your friend and her oldest.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

We’re has OP said she can’t manage? Totally ridiculous for him to go to a friends wedding and live his young family at home. Surely no DH is this selfish to think it’s acceptable? Baby could be late, difficult birth, born by section, who knows. Surely no one on the planet thinks OP is unreasonable in these circumstances.

Just jumping on the bandwagon to say this is nuts.

I didnt have a csection, second labour was textbook and I had no physical pain at that point- great. BUT dc1 was going through an absolutely terrible time and needed a huge amount of emotional support, wasnt sleeping and most of his had to come from dh1 because dc2 was really sick with jaundice and we were in and out of hospital with her and on a 3 hour feeding plan so i wasnt getting any more than 2 hrs sleep at a time. Chuck having had a csection into that and its an absolutely definite no.

Im sure his friends would understand tbh and if they dont id question how good a friend they were.

Absolute hard NO.
It's not just about the recovery time. It's about supporting you OP. Being there for your toddler when their world is changing and also bonding with the new baby.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He should have realised all by himself, without you needing to say it, that this was absolutely no go.

Those posters who say, would you leave him alone to look after a newborn and a 3 year old a few days / weeks after major abdominal surgery have it spot on. Also, again you could still be in hospital. What’s he planning for your 3 yo to do in that case?

This. Honestly, DH wouldn't even have asked me about this, he have declined the invitation automatically.

OP I had a planned CS, with a textbook recovery and an easy baby. Also had a 2 year old at the time. No way could I have managed this and no, I couldn't lift the toddler after 2 weeks.

I managed ok when DH went back to work after 2 weeks but that was because he was around evenings and weekends and because our parents were around to give me a hand when I needed it/take the toddler to the park for half hour here and there etc.

Hard no from me!

Just wanted to add to the sea of ‘YANBU’s’

What is he even thinking?? Yes, he may be disappointed about missing out but quite frankly, tough. You have to miss out on stuff occasionally when you have kids and I’m sure that the OP is ok with missing out on being at full health for a few weeks - so he can damn well be ok with missing out on a little holiday!

@Bell25 - yes! Hope someone calls him on that shitiness when he’s there.

@HoseMeDownWithHolyWater - you have my sympathies. It’s hard isn’t it. Hope you’re doing alright, it truly gets better each day.

@WhatAHexIGotInto - seriously, I had no idea how many people did post c section wind surfing until it was my turn to have one 🙄. It’s not helpful is it. Gives the men unrealistic expectations, and makes those of us who don’t bounce back look like lazy malingerers

i think is be telling him to grow the fuck up hel be a father of two.

you wont be able to pick the toddler
up and youl have just had a baby.

why because hes a man does he get this choice their his children hel need to be their to care for them and thie mother. he cant go to a wedding!!!

@Cheekytea

As you got So much notice why can't you arrange for family to come help ? Surely either Nan would wanna meet their new grand baby for few days

Families aren't always this straight forward.

We also have no family nearby, op. My husband was at home for 2 months when DS was born and I really needed that support as we had a colic screaming baby with no toddler.

Yanbu. Your DH is being quite selfish and needs to realise where his priorities should be

1. why does he need to go for 4 days? I don’t understand? Generally a wedding takes a few hours; he can’t just go for the day or ONE night? 4 days is an epic pisstake
2. since he isn’t really a close friend he need not go at all. I would be fucking furious to even be asked this shit.
3. without scaremongering what if baby has jaundice and has to go into hospital on one for those machines etc? Happened to a family member of mine. Then what do you do with 2? He can’t exactly pop back. The key thing is you have no one else to help
4. what’s with all the nasty women on here “bragging” about managing alone. Yeh yeh yeh we CAN all do it if we HAVE to. But it’s suboptimal isn’t it? Very fucking suboptimal. Certainly not something one would CHOOSE to do for bizarre martyr or one-up man reasons.

I was left alone earlier than that because my DH went back to working away, but luckily I didn’t have a section.
I had no help either so I just made sure we were fed and clean as a basic, everything else waited until he got back.

I had a c section a few months ago and had the same worry for a 2 day trip but the baby was 8 weeks old. In no world will you be ok after 2 weeks. You won’t be able to drive or lift anything heavier than the baby for 4-6 weeks. You will be exhausted from the wake ups and trying to entertain your 3 year old. Unless you have someone very close to you who can stay and be very hands on with helping it would be a massive no from me.

I thought he was being a dick before I read you are have a c-section. Now I know he is a dick.

You may not be able to walk or pick up the baby never mind look after a 3 year old.