To ask how I make her feel more secure

[Partnersworries]

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

See I’d be the opposite. She’s paying £350 a month on the mortgage and 1/4 of the bills. I’d be saving quite a lot, but I’m good at declining invites I can’t afford now. I wouldn’t have been in, say, my early 20s.

I agree, @Embroidery it would be good to know her situation.

@CuteAndFluff

Only one person getting 'fleeced' here and it's not op.

Not married, no kids and pays only 350 a month into an asset rather than rent a studio apartment.
Earns 30k a year. Puts 22% into a pension and pays limited bills and gets free holidays, dates paid for and is named in their boyfriends will etc.

Erm... ok.

Give me a call op when this ends lol. Sounds a great deal.

This is how I see it.

@Boatonthehorizon

Too right too. Thid thread could be held up as an educational case study of why women should always marry before buying a house together.

The poor woman, she's lost her independence, esp her financial independence, is over stretched financially trying to live a lifestyle beyond her means, and is insulted and maligned by all and sundry: as a gold digger and, interestingly, a failure career wise for not earning 90k.
She's far better off with someone on an equal footing, equal salary, or back on her own and independent. (or married and dependent if she must)

Poor woman? The one thing she isn’t, is poor 🤣

You’re nuts!

“Overstretched financially”

I dare you to start a thread:

• I have £30K salary
• pay £350 mortgage
• 25% of bills
• am saving 22% of my salary to pension
• my girlfriend pays for our nights out and holidays
• I have £950 a month left to save / spend on fun

I am poor.

You know full well you would (rightly) get your arse handed to you on a plate 🤣

Go on - tell me you wouldn’t!

@Cocomarine

I have a feeling this won’t be a popular view… You’ve been with her less than 2 years, yet she’s already the main beneficiary of your will, your pension and life insurance? Yet she says she worries financially about “if something were to happen to you”. Which is absolutely and utterly groundless. Plus… so what? She’s a grown arse woman who can just do exactly what she’d do if the two of you split - get on with her life. You don’t have kids together, and it doesn’t sound like she’s made big detrimental financial decisions around your relationship - like losing a career path job to trail after yours. So frankly, who point 2 is bollocks, and sounds like she’s angling for marriage BECAUSE you have those assets. I’d tread carefully - I think she’s taking the piss with “what if something happens to you” - when she already knows that “what happens” is half a million in life insurance. For starters 🙄

FWIW, I earn 80k to my husband’s 20K, we’re married, he’d get my pensionspousal element I pay for everything except when he makes ad hoc food shops (not all our good)… so please don’t write me off as someone who doesn’t think you should pay more as a higher earner!

But my husband certainly never complained about lacking financial security when he was already in line for a bigger pension on my death than he’d ever save himself!

This 100%. Be very careful OP.

Another here that will happily take her place! I think you've been more than fair financially and I'd be over the moon with £950 a month to save or play with on a £30k wage. I'm on slightly less than that and we have literally nothing left at the end of the month because DH isn't on as much as you (though more than me) our mortgage is similar, and we have childcare costs.

You say you're 35 but you don't say how old she is (unless I missed it - apologies if I did).

Have you discussed children? Could she be worried about what will happen if she gives up work or goes part time in the future? Like PPs I think she's probably hinting that she'd like to get married, but as you say, your relationship isn't that long, could she feel there are time constraints?

I've made some assumptions, so I apologies if they are wrong and I'm way off the mark.

@Partnersworries

To those asking for specific circumstances, my partner has said to me she has circa £950 per month left for savings and fun money.

This is loads IMO, as long as you aren't expecting her to pay out for lavish expensive dinners, days out etc

You don't say what career she's in but if she's that fussed about money she could always look to get a better paid job.

She could be saving £3-500 a month easily.

@Boatonthehorizon

Too right too. Thid thread could be held up as an educational case study of why women should always marry before buying a house together.

The poor woman, she's lost her independence, esp her financial independence, is over stretched financially trying to live a lifestyle beyond her means, and is insulted and maligned by all and sundry: as a gold digger and, interestingly, a failure career wise for not earning 90k.
She's far better off with someone on an equal footing, equal salary, or back on her own and independent. (or married and dependent if she must)

I don’t for one second believe this is what you’d be saying if a woman came on here asking this about a man.

@Partnersworries

Thank you for your advice. I chatted to her some more this eve and asked her what it would take to make her feel financially secure in our relationship.

She said two things are the ones that really bother her

1. that she has minimal savings and no buffer and as such feels like I see the world differently from a financial POV. That I’m more ‘what ever happens will be fine’ because I have alternative savings/passive income. She is happy for me that this is possible but I don’t think about ‘pay check to pay check’ which admittedly I don’t

2. That if anything did happen to me (god forbid) she wouldn’t be able to stay in our home (the mortgage is just over 700 quid but she doesn’t feel this would be doable on her salary alone)

She should be a beneficiary on your life insurance policy so if anything happens to you she can stay at the house with the mortgage paid off.

@Sunflowers095 she’s already the beneficiary. To the tune of £570K.

So her whining about needing financial security if something happens to OP is manipulative bullshit 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Embroidery

I did read the OP.

You are fleecing her. And you can't bully me.

In a proper marriage, all monies are joined, fixed expenditure goes out and the rest would be split 50:50.
But I get the impression you'd hate that.

Will she even get 50% of the equity when you split? That is why shes pushing herself to pay 50% and no wonder she feels insecure. She is pushing herself into relative poverty while you stockpile even greater riches. This is unfair.

And i know what bills are. Theyre all tiny and often used by men as a 'I pay 75% of the bills' weapon. Probably a tiny tiny fraction of your salary and interesting that you keep on bringing it up. Bet she thinks that too.

Id run a mile.

To be honest, with your views on what is fair, I think anyone interested in a relationship with you should be the ones to run a mile!

@toolazytothinkofausername

my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50

You should not be paying 50/50 for the mortgage.

You should be paying 2/3 of the mortgage, and she should pay 1/3 of the mortgage.

Agree with this. The disparity between your wages are quite high, but net income should be taken into account.

I bet she's early twenties. Why can she not spend her money?

What?! She has a grand a month to spend on whatever she wants because her mortgage is incredibly low!

Why must she save 22% to a pension?

There's no 'must' about it - she doesn't have to do this at all and at no point has OP suggested he said she 'must'. Her FA recommended it, OP said he thought it was a good recommendation.

No financial freedom, overstretched to keep up. Massive disparity in incomes.

The disparity in incomes isn't something one partner should subsidise less than two years in with no kids, when the lower earner still earns a decent salary AND has low outgoing costs! OP pays for meals out, holidays etc.

Show us where OP's partner has 'no financial freedom' and is 'overstretched to keep up' despite being on the housing ladder, having a £350 mortgage and over a grand disposable income every month.

Stop infantilising women.

There was a woman up thread who admitted she paid for everything. Is her DH a gold digger too. That passed you all by!

Because that poster did ask for advice? And ita quite clear they feel happy with the set up.

Again, where is it said she is over stretching herself to keep up.

If she felt that way, she didn't need to move in. Why isn't she responsible for financial decisions.

She has £1k left per month. She has financial freedom more than she would if she wasn't with op.

Is there a reason you keep just adding this in? Is it because you are in the partners position.

And quite frankly I think its funny you would consider not going on a date because of MN. Not sure if that was designed to make people feel bad, retract their opinion change their opinion or what. But I found it funny.

She has £1k left per month. She has financial freedom more than she would if she wasn't with op.

This! I don't know anyone on £30k who is a homeowner with only a £350 monthly mortgage contribution - it's a bloody good deal comparing to rent or most mortgages.

No financial freedom, overstretched to keep up

Why are you making things up? Literally nowhere in a single one of OPs posts does he even slightly begin to indicate this. Where you do you live where £950 a month spare money that you don’t even need to use to contribute towards date nights or holidays is overstretched?

Massive disparity in incomes

And? How is that OPs fault? Why should he give her money for just existing? She has enough spare of her own. As a woman I’ve been on here in the past asking about the huge disparity in income between myself and my partner (me being the breadwinner) and every single person advised me to protect myself until we were married.

[quote Cocomarine]@Sunflowers095 she’s already the beneficiary. To the tune of £570K.

So her whining about needing financial security if something happens to OP is manipulative bullshit 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Did not spot that - yeah in that case not sure why she's worried about what would happen if something happens to OP. I think pooling finances partially and proportionally to income as well as the life insurance is enough security/financial equality.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She has £1k left per month. She has financial freedom more than she would if she wasn't with op.

This! I don't know anyone on £30k who is a homeowner with only a £350 monthly mortgage contribution - it's a bloody good deal comparing to rent or most mortgages.

Not to mention that she doesn’t pay for leisure out of that 1K OP pays for eating out!

The key is comparing her financial state to what it was before. Not compared to the OP. If her definition of financial security is her current state (with the OP) then she’s a gold digger.

@Cocomarine

I have a feeling this won’t be a popular view… You’ve been with her less than 2 years, yet she’s already the main beneficiary of your will, your pension and life insurance? Yet she says she worries financially about “if something were to happen to you”. Which is absolutely and utterly groundless. Plus… so what? She’s a grown arse woman who can just do exactly what she’d do if the two of you split - get on with her life. You don’t have kids together, and it doesn’t sound like she’s made big detrimental financial decisions around your relationship - like losing a career path job to trail after yours. So frankly, who point 2 is bollocks, and sounds like she’s angling for marriage BECAUSE you have those assets. I’d tread carefully - I think she’s taking the piss with “what if something happens to you” - when she already knows that “what happens” is half a million in life insurance. For starters 🙄

FWIW, I earn 80k to my husband’s 20K, we’re married, he’d get my pensionspousal element I pay for everything except when he makes ad hoc food shops (not all our good)… so please don’t write me off as someone who doesn’t think you should pay more as a higher earner!

But my husband certainly never complained about lacking financial security when he was already in line for a bigger pension on my death than he’d ever save himself!

I have to agree with this. I don't like the sound of her based on what you've written. Make sure you go into marriage with her with open eyes.

She wants to get married. The financial insecurity is just an excuse

@Aquamarine1029

Unless you're married, do not pool your wages. What a horrible idea. Your partner is not being treated unfairly. It's not your fault or problem that you make more money than she does. She's playing you.

I completely agree.

22 months together and she is so bothered by you having more money than her?

I think you have rushed things.

Keep your finances separate and do not rush into being married.

I would be 100% wary.

I think you are being fair op. Especially if you pay for food etc when you go out and she has plenty left over every month to save if she wanted too. And if anything did happen to you she is in your will. Personally I think 22 months is not long enough to consider getting married. And this maybe more than about money!

@Embroidery

I did read the OP.

You are fleecing her. And you can't bully me.

In a proper marriage, all monies are joined, fixed expenditure goes out and the rest would be split 50:50.
But I get the impression you'd hate that.

Will she even get 50% of the equity when you split? That is why shes pushing herself to pay 50% and no wonder she feels insecure. She is pushing herself into relative poverty while you stockpile even greater riches. This is unfair.

And i know what bills are. Theyre all tiny and often used by men as a 'I pay 75% of the bills' weapon. Probably a tiny tiny fraction of your salary and interesting that you keep on bringing it up. Bet she thinks that too.

Id run a mile.

You sound really angry about this? I don’t think OP is ‘stockpiling riches’ at the expense of their partner. She owns a 50 pct interest in the property ( and probably wants to pay 50pct of the mortgage for this reason) Frankly they both sound like two very reasonable people who are trying to figure out what works for them financially. No big disaster here, just a good , grown up conversation that needs to be had.. IMO this sounds more like a marriage commitment thing than anything elss

Ps her being with the OP isn’t impacting her negatively, from a financial standpoint .. yea he earns more, and if there really is insecurity about that, then honestly the only way to change it is to work out how she can get to a higher wage ( if it’s possible )

There was a woman up thread who admitted she paid for everything. Is her DH a gold digger too. That passed you all by!

If that's a reference to me, then no, he's not. He earned more than I did initially, and supported me while I studied. As a result, I earn 4-5x more that what he'd realistically get. If his career progression hadn't been impacted by multiple moves to pursue my education and career, his earning potential might be higher, but still no more than 1/3 to 1/2 of mine. But the trade-off for him is that he doesn't have to worry about money and doesn't have to work if he doesn't want to, and he thought that sounded pretty appealing. I see his point. I'm happy with him staying at home, because having the household stuff taken care of makes my demanding job easier. But if he wanted to do something else, I'd encourage and support him in that, too. If that meant we needed to hire a cleaner or eat out more often, then we'd be able to afford it, so there's no problem either way. He's a large part of the reason I can so cavalierly say that, so of course he should enjoy the benefits of my income. One of them is being able to do what he wants, work-wise.

But as I said in my first reply, he doesn't try to emotionally manipulate me into giving him huge sums of cash. That's what I think is the huge red flag here. My husband, like most lower-earning spouses of high earners, is in a much better financial situation than he'd have been in without me. He knows that, because he can do basic arithmetic.

The same is true of OP's girlfriend. She's an adult who presumably considered her financial situation before agreeing to their arrangement, and who can afford it perfectly well from what OP says. If she's putting 22% every month into a pension, that's more than enough for her to save a buffer out of her own money if she's so inclined. OP shouldn't be expected to buy her happiness by literally writing her a check.