To ask how I make her feel more secure

[Partnersworries]

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes as you say, either she hasn't communicated the issues, or OP doesn't understand the issues. As you can see from MN there are plenty of people who totally misread what someone is saying even when it is obvious.
This is why Relate or similar is the way to go. This is a communication issue.

OP, its not your fault you have a better income than her.

Maybe she should think about retraining and getting a better paid job if she wants to feel financially secure. You already split the bills appropriately there is nothing more you can do apart from pay 100 % of them which isn't fair. Maybe she should reduce her pension contributions so she has more disposable cash.

And at this point - no I would pool wages. Thats still your money and I would advise my own DDs not to do that at this point too if they were the main earner.

Are babies being discussed? Because that may become a game changer.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I think it depends. I know people who want to leave their money to anyone but family. This is why I said a complex range of factors are involved in these decisions.

Oh god dont talk about babies until you can actually communicate about stuff.

@Partnersworries you seem to be very understanding and generous.
To be honest, having read all of your posts, I think that your partners expectations of financial security are warped slightly by you having such a large salary.
On 30k per year, she should still be pretty comfortable financially, and able to save a decent amount with her 25% to bills and £350pcm mortgage payment.

I see you mentioned circa £900 after her expenses for food and saving, this is still quite a lot. Certainly more than many families I've read about on here.

Please try to encourage her to see that she is more than capable of saving- not for you to give thd impression of "this is your situation, deal with it" but I think she needs to know that on her own if the worst should happen, she would be more than fine.

Given her salary and your careful financial planning she really would still be quite comfortable.

@Yayaga

So after just two years she has managed to get out of her studio and onto the property ladder, only pays a quarter of her bills, is on your will and life insurance and is now angling for pooled income, despite the fact that you arent married and dont have kids?

Run.

This.

She’s a gold digger.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I’m sorry if I got it wrong. I’m not from the UK. I googled the British pound to Australian dollars and it is equivalent to $54000 aud. So, not on the breadline, much more than I live off but I know many who earn that and struggle and I know many who live off more than that and struggle because of the high cost of basic living (groceries, transport, rent/mortgage, bills etc.) However, I’m not familiar with the cost of living in England ratio to wages. So, maybe I am completely way off in suggesting that she might want to increase her income. Perhaps referring to her income as a low income was wrong and would be more accurate to call it middle income. I guess I was just referring to it as low in comparison to the Op’s income. But maybe she does want to earn more and there’s nothing wrong with that.

@ImustLearn2Cook

I guess I was just referring to it as low in comparison to the Op’s income. But maybe she does want to earn more and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Oh absolutely she might, I agree! But that's for her to decide and to achieve, not for OP to subside in the meantime beyond the amount he already is.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Absolutely, you are right. It is completely up to her to decide and achieve

unless of course shes paying 50% of a mortgage beyond her means

In what world is £350 pm mortgage beyond anyone’s means when earning 30k? OP said she has £950 a month left to play with. If she’s struggling on that then it’s her own fault. She’s getting a great deal. Less mortgage because of OP’s big deposit and 1/4 of bills. She’d surely be paying more than that living by herself.

When i was fresh out of uni I was in a flat share paying £600pm for rent and bills and earning far, far less than 30k.

Seems glaringly obvious to me that it’s marriage she’s after here OP. How else could you possibly make her feel more secure? I’m a female and the breadwinner in my relationship and I’d run the fuck away if a man was saying this after I’d put all the things in place for him you have for her (not that I ever would after so little time together), I’d tread carefully.

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

@Partnersworries Does your partner want you to make her feel more secure? Or does she just want you to respect her financial independence? Is she concerned about having less money than you? Or is she concerned about your attitude towards her having less money than you? Is she just trying to have a conversation about financial attitudes and expectations?

Maybe it would help to clarify her actual concerns.

If I were you, I wouldn't give her anything. Yes, there's a huge financial inequality, but have you done anything to hamper her career prospects or earning potential? If not, then it's not at all your responsibility mitigate that difference. She freely chose your living arrangements. The downside (for her) is that she's financially dependent on you. The upside (for her) is that she gets to enjoy a much better standard of living than she'd ever have had as a single person, or with a partner who earned the same as she does. That's a pretty big upside, and it's not possible without the corresponding downside of financial dependence. She wants it both ways, and even if that wasn't laughably entitled of her, it would still be mathematically impossible.

I'm a woman who's the sole earner. I pay for everything. I'm fine with that. But if my husband ever told me that he needed me to straight-up write him a check for three months worth of our current living expenses so that he "felt secure," I'd laugh hysterically and start shopping for a divorce lawyer. This very transparent attempt to extort money via emotional manipulation would be immediately recognised for what it is if the sexes were reversed. If her security and happiness in the relationship is inextricably linked to your willingness to give her money, that's a huge red flag.

She wants you to propose.

I'm fairly certain this thread was posted before, did she want to work part time? Apologies if it's not the same person but the details are so very similar!!

Even if its not you, the genuine consensus was that you should not marry and she was verging on cocklodging/gold digger..... Same applies here!!

How is it misogyny to suggest she is verging on being a 'gold digger'.

The vast majority of people that I know that have tried to take advantage of a partners larger earning potential have been been men.

The facts are despite being an adult and seeing an FA and a solicitor, she is saying that she is worried about what happens if op dies. Despite the op ensuring sure she will be very well looked after. I don't believe for a second she doesn't understand that. So that's not the issue.

She also has the ability to save whilst living in a house, that's better than her studio and is quite cheap be aywe she has bought as part of a couple AND because ops deposit substantially lowered the mortgage amount.

She has security. She has financial interest in the house, is looked after if op dies and her own income.

I think pooling money is a terrible idea and actually doesn't address the issue. Because she would be still financially dependent on him. If that was really her issue, she wouldn't want to pool money. It certainly doesn't give her anymore security.

If she does want marriage, she is pushing for this only as a financial issue. Again, for me (if I was op) that would really concern me and I date men. So not based in misogyny.

I think counselling maybe a good idea. Because marrying someone who wants one thing but tries to get it by saying something else is a recipe for disaster.

But the op would be silly to miss the red flags here. The partner has far more security that she did 2 years ago. She likely has more disposable income than she had before and is still unable to save.

If she feels the disparity impacts her because it gives the op more say over things, she was fully aware of that before she moved in

If she wanted to head towards marriage and was clear about that, for me it would be less concerning.

Wether people want to admit it or not, marriage is a big risk for people who earn alot of money or have a lot in assets. And if ops partner was a man no one would be telling them they need to pool the money to make him feel better.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

I think 2 years after meeting is early today be getting married.

This

@HollowTalk
Why on earth should OP pay all the bills? She only pays 350 a month currently and has a grand a month to save from and treat herself

i I don’t want to rush into marriage until we are both 100% sure of forever.

Getting a mortgage together is a huge committment - certainly one I wouldn't have entered into with DH without at least being as sure as you can be at the time that we are "forever".

I can't imagine ever pushing for anything other than a bill and mortgage split at just 2 years into the relationship. Its certainly bold of her. A financial advisor? Thats really odd. She doesn't seem to need any advice, she has become a homeowner and has herself 950 a month to mess around with, basically thanks to you.
She can see you are a "nice" guy (with nice meaning naive): after all, you've done all this two years in, when as PP said, in modern dating terms that's moving pretty fast. So now she's going to have a go at playing the "vulnerable" card probably hoping it will lead to marriage.

If a woman came on saying she had been with a guy for 2 years and he was already on a mortgage with her, and all the other stuff (will etc) and STILL wanted more, she would be told that all of these are massive red flags.

Tell her she should be able to save and create her own financial security out of 950 a month and ask her what her financial plan was before she met you. I also think it's weird she met a FA. When you're on a high salary it makes sense to reflect on what to do with your money, on her salary the options are pretty workaday. Who paid the FA fee?
Don't be a mug, OP.

@Partnersworries

To those asking for specific circumstances, my partner has said to me she has circa £950 per month left for savings and fun money.

I think this is quite a reasonable amount to be left with each month really. It does seem like she's hinting towards marriage. She's talking about financial security but I think marriage is what it's really about.

Too right too.
Thid thread could be held up as an educational case study of why women should always marry before buying a house together.

The poor woman, she's lost her independence, esp her financial independence, is over stretched financially trying to live a lifestyle beyond her means, and is insulted and maligned by all and sundry: as a gold digger and, interestingly, a failure career wise for not earning 90k.
She's far better off with someone on an equal footing, equal salary, or back on her own and independent. (or married and dependent if she must)

@Boatonthehorizon
You are massively in the minority here there is nothing poor about this woman. She has been given a huge leg up the property ladder and only pays out 350 quid a month for the privilege. How much do you think she paid in rent and bills for her studio, probably double so shes already winning. She didnt even have to scrimp and save for a deposit. She has 900 quid a month to spend on clothes, drinks, holidays, savings. She doesn't even go halves on their dinner dates. Your mindset is old fashioned. A misogynist is someone who thinks women are less capable than men and this seems to be your attitude.

@Boatonthehorizon

Too right too. Thid thread could be held up as an educational case study of why women should always marry before buying a house together.

The poor woman, she's lost her independence, esp her financial independence, is over stretched financially trying to live a lifestyle beyond her means, and is insulted and maligned by all and sundry: as a gold digger and, interestingly, a failure career wise for not earning 90k.
She's far better off with someone on an equal footing, equal salary, or back on her own and independent. (or married and dependent if she must)

Is over stretched paying £350 pm mortgage, and 1/4 of the total bills? With just under £1k left for herself each month?

I doubt that her life was quite as comfortable when living alone. I really, really think you've missed the point here.

She isn't overstretched living a lifestyle she can't afford.
She isn't a failure career wise, there are families who live on 30k per year, and interestingly pay more in household expenses.
£350pcm is less than rent monthly on a council house.

She certainly would not be better off with someone who also earned 30k a year, because she would still need to pay 50% mortgage, then would need to pay 50% of household bills, then if she wanted a meal out would need to pay her way more than is expected now. No way would a partner earning similar be able to be as generous as her partner is being with his larger income.
Oh and let's not forget, the deposit that her partner put into the house makes her mortgage payment less than it would be otherwise.

I wouldn't pool money until your married.

Also wouldn't have added her to my Will either!

I understand the life insurance as you have a joint mortgage.

She has plenty of disposal income.

If you did die she could sell the house and downsize, but I guess the insurance would pay out so there's no real worries for her there either.

I'm not understanding her issue, something seems odd about her "concerns"

I think you are being taken advantage of, £950 is more than enough to be saving something every month.

You are paying the majority of the bills, reduced the mortgage with a big deposit, all the extra expenses.

She's building equity in a house, having everything subsided, more than enough left over to save some, and yet she's not.

She's your main beneficiary of your will and you are talking about handing over more of your money.

Keep things as they are, if you eventually marry and have a family your nature as a saver will benefit her.

She isn't on a low wage for goodness sake! She earns plenty!

How much life insurance does she have in your name? What does her will say? You don't sound like you are compatible regarding attitude to money.