To be annoyed my mum can’t get her phone off silent and accessible at key times?

[TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]

Obviously no one wants to be on call 24/7, but it’s driving me nuts she treats it like a house phone when I’m trying to get in touch and she knows I will. Examples of what I mean

-I get a bus to her that’s unreliable. It takes 20min to get to her, the stop is 5 min from her house then we travel on together on the same bus.
The bus is really unreliable in its timetable, often a 22 min wait from when it should arrive. Occasionally no wait.
I text her/ try to ring when I get on the bus. This gives her 15min to get ready then she can walk over.
She every bloody week says ‘I didn’t see the text/ I didn’t get it in time’, instead of just having her phone ready off silent and not in the bottom of a bag. She’s then annoyed if I’m late, the wait if there’s roadworks can be even longer- I update this so she has no need to stand in the cold. Now she’s annoyed because the next bus was 25min behind us and I didn’t get off. I’ve just left her to follow us as she wasn’t there in time, the bus was early. I gave her good warning of this what time we would be there (a few min before normal)

-she’s with one of the kids. She knows I’ll text to collect them around a certain time when I’m near. I get there and she’s all ‘no one is ready! I didn’t see the text!’ (She hates being rushed and doesn’t want to invite us in as the younger ones will want to stay)

-we are meeting in town, she hasn’t given a set time but her phone isn’t on ring, I call and call. Once she was upset I left her in town without a lift back.

She honestly can’t get why it’s annoying me, thinks she checks it every 30/40 min and that’s ok…

Of course she is being unreasonable, what a pain! Although I say that as someone who keeps my phone on silent!

YANBU

Continue to work around her putting her phone on silent and tell her every single time if she used her phone properly you just turning up, her waiting in the cold, etc wouldn't happen.

The answer is a landline and a good old fashioned plan - 'meet in town tomorrow, 2pm at x landmark'

God how irritating, what’s the point of a phone if it’s always on silent.

Does she normally get so many calls/texts it’s impossible to have the doubt up?

What does she say when you point out all these instances where it’s causing you both an issue?

By her a fitness tracker watch that buzzes when you get a call/message. That will alert her to the fact she needs to check her phone.

I had a cheap £25 one from Amazon that was perfectly fine.

DD14 does this and it drives me insane, especially when she's out in the dark

Yanbu.

If she's at home, call the landline. If not, don't make arrangements that require a mobile. If she suggests arrangements that require a mobile, say "Mum, I don't think that's a good idea, how will I get hold of you?".

My parents never use their mobiles, unless occasionally we have specifically agreed in advance that they need to have a phone on and check it. We manage okay.

My phone is always on silent but it still vibrates and I can hear that.

Yabu - to insist she answers on your timescale
Her having a mobile doesn’t make her immediately answerable to you. Lots of people aren’t glued to their phone. Deal with it.

Yanbu- to let her deal with the consequences of not answering

Does she use her phone much ? Depending in her age she may well be of the opinion that 'we manage well enough before mobiles, I don't need it '

If this isn't the case I would stop text/ringing so much ( not saying you do it a lot but ykwim) if she she has to wait at the bus stop for longer than normal or you are a bit early /late picking your DCs up its something she will have to put up with.
If she ask why you have let her know your eta just say well you never answers you phone so what's the point you letting you know hopfuly after a while of been a bit inconvenienced she will start paying more attention to her phone.

It might be a idea just to check her phone to , to make sure it is actually to ringing and not on dnd or has a really quite ring / msg tone.

My phone is always on silent, I'm not even sure what my ringtone is as I don't think I've ever heard it. It is on vibrate though. I don't check it very often during the day but I probably would if I was expecting a message.

However, we have no mobile signal at home and so if someone wanted to get hold of me they would phone my landline. If your mum has a landline then you need to use that

@Eltonsglasses are you my mum? That’s the problem, she wants ‘join me on the bus, I’ll get on at 12’. The bus is roughly every 22min with no set timetable. It might get there at 12:22, it might be early and I’m there just before 12. I’ve also got 3 children with me to factor in. Very occasionally something happens like someone drops a drink on them seconds before leaving the house and we get the next bus, 3 kids with the best will in the world can be unpredictable.
If she could just read a text she wouldn’t either me waiting at the bus stop cold and stroppy for 20min or expecting me to get off if the bus is early and wait for the next.
I don’t even care about travelling together is the annoying bit, she wants to and my life would be so much easier if about 11:30 she could make sure her phone is noticeable each week. Not a big ask

My mum has a good quality working phone, reception in the house and she’s below retirement age with total technological competency.

Yanbu that sounds intensely annoying. What is the point of her even having a phone? Would she put her landline on silent if that were possible?

Doesn't she have a landline?

Oh, and also when in the mood she can be glued to WhatsApp chats with friends for AGES in your company. She’s not mobile adverse at all, it’s just about my convenience

They have a landline for the internet but it’s an old radio phone that doesn’t really work, batteries cut out if picked up and it just buzzes. It’s not something they use, I think my dad disconnected it. I don’t even have the number for whatever it is. (I don’t either have a landline for calls tbf)

@SomePosters so in ‘dealing with it’ what does that entail? Just not meeting her and leaving her wherever, not my problem? Me waiting with 3 kids constantly because she doesn’t want to? I don’t feel like facilitating that.

I'm below retirement age and am quite competent with technology, but I don't have a smartphone, and couldn't tell you if my mobile is charged, or where it is most of the time, as I rarely use it. Why don't you call your Mum on her landline if you are more likely to get an answer?

Sadly I don't think any of this is wholly unintentional. It's a bit of an emotional reaction and need from you and she's in control.

My DH is like this. It is frustrating at times but I recognise that his relationship with his phone is his own decision and it's good in a way that he's not glued to it as many of us are.

Just keep behaving as you are (ie not pandering to her by getting off the bus etc) and say "well, you should have checked your messages" every time.

@thegcatsmother your situation sounds completely different, you have a working landline and you don’t have a smartphone (though I’m surprised you can’t get a texts with whatever phone you have).

Man, that'd drive me mad, especially given that she's not incapable of using her phone.

I'd just say to her, the bus thing and travelling together isn't working for you because you ignore your bloody phone so I'll just meet you at a coffee shop in town. That way if the bus is late, she won't be in the cold, or you won't.

YANBU - what does she say when you tell her to get her phone organised?

It must be infuriating to hear her complaining about not being ready/you not being there when it's her own bloody fault!

are you my mum? That’s the problem, she wants ‘join me on the bus, I’ll get on at 12’. The bus is roughly every 22min with no set timetable. It might get there at 12:22, it might be early and I’m there just before 12. I’ve also got 3 children with me to factor in.

No I'm not your mum but I can see from the outside perspective that the arrangement you have isn't working, so change it?