To be annoyed my mum can’t get her phone off silent and accessible at key times?

[TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]

Obviously no one wants to be on call 24/7, but it’s driving me nuts she treats it like a house phone when I’m trying to get in touch and she knows I will. Examples of what I mean

-I get a bus to her that’s unreliable. It takes 20min to get to her, the stop is 5 min from her house then we travel on together on the same bus.
The bus is really unreliable in its timetable, often a 22 min wait from when it should arrive. Occasionally no wait.
I text her/ try to ring when I get on the bus. This gives her 15min to get ready then she can walk over.
She every bloody week says ‘I didn’t see the text/ I didn’t get it in time’, instead of just having her phone ready off silent and not in the bottom of a bag. She’s then annoyed if I’m late, the wait if there’s roadworks can be even longer- I update this so she has no need to stand in the cold. Now she’s annoyed because the next bus was 25min behind us and I didn’t get off. I’ve just left her to follow us as she wasn’t there in time, the bus was early. I gave her good warning of this what time we would be there (a few min before normal)

-she’s with one of the kids. She knows I’ll text to collect them around a certain time when I’m near. I get there and she’s all ‘no one is ready! I didn’t see the text!’ (She hates being rushed and doesn’t want to invite us in as the younger ones will want to stay)

-we are meeting in town, she hasn’t given a set time but her phone isn’t on ring, I call and call. Once she was upset I left her in town without a lift back.

She honestly can’t get why it’s annoying me, thinks she checks it every 30/40 min and that’s ok…

Yabu. A phone is a tool to be used when required by the owner. It is not something to be a slave to, if she doesn't want to answer then that's up to her and is why voicemail and answering machines (on landlines) were invented.

@Frogsonglue picking up will go like this

• I say I’ll be there at 1pm

-traffic is unusually predictable, I’m there at 1:04pm -cue she’s having tea, youngest child’s socks are lost and she’s eating something too. Cue drama. I also text a reminder when I was 20min away to say I was on time. I stand outside or sit in the car and I’m not fussy about waiting even, but still it’s a drama of ‘I have to rush. I didn’t see the text! Last week you got here at 1:15!’

Yeah- guess it’s more than the phone.

Oh and it’ll be followed up by offensive the following week if I don’t come in for tea probably, having had to wait outside for the previous 4 weeks in a row 😂

What we do now with some extended family is say "this is what we're doing, if you want to join us that would be great. We're heading off when we're ready, call us on you get there and we'll meet up."

The kids show bit is over- I won’t post for ages now. Thanks for hearing me vent

If it's an iPhone then an Apple Watch is good - texts come into the watch and vibrate on your wrist. Calls too. No way of missing them.

When not wearing the watch, i can often miss a call if my phone is in the bottom of my bag. To the annoyance of DH. So thus is a good solution for me.

But I do want to actually be flexible and in touch and adjust my plans. So if it's a mindset issue rather than a practical one with your mother this may not help.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

My mum has a good quality working phone, reception in the house and she’s below retirement age with total technological competency.

This would really annoy me. She has no excuse. Just grab her phone, put it on loud and tell her to leave it that way if she wants to see you.

I bought my mum a mobile when she was 60. She never did learn to use it and if she had it with her it would generally be switched off.

The one time I do remember she and my uncle were meeting me at the stations the end of the university year. Knowing this, I had too many bags to handle on my own.

The train was hours late. I managed to keep in contact with her to let her know (by dint of her waving the phone in strangers' faces) and finally I text her saying we were communicating into the station.

She was not there. I had to get everything off myself, and then wait. It turns out she'd got the message but chosen to believe the station board instead. I wS fuming!!!

I think you're doing the right thing, OP. Stick to your guns, and point out to her each time it would all be avoided if she checked her phone.

This is why mum ditched her mobile and got a new landline phone for the house with cordless handsets - she got broadband with bt digitcal voice. Much easier all round

with the bus thing - text her landline.
not sure if there's a time delay, but the message makes the phone ring, then is read out in a daleky digital "voice"

And my dad is rubbish with text messages, to him phones are for calling, even mobiles

Oh fair enough then, it's clearly about her wanting to create drama more than anything else. You're just going to have to stop pandering to it and do what works for you.

I would stop entertaining her annoyance. She is choosing not to check her phone at times when it would be wise to, there is little else you can do. Every time she complains and says she didn't see the message I would say, "I can only send the message, I can't check your phone for you".

@starfishmummy

Yabu. A phone is a tool to be used when required by the owner. It is not something to be a slave to, if she doesn't want to answer then that's up to her and is why voicemail and answering machines (on landlines) were invented.

But she wants the OP's help!

So, maybe the OP should put HER phone on silent.

@LefttoherownDevizes

By her a fitness tracker watch that buzzes when you get a call/message. That will alert her to the fact she needs to check her phone.

I had a cheap £25 one from Amazon that was perfectly fine.

DD14 does this and it drives me insane, especially when she's out in the dark

I solved the issue of my kids not hearing calls (or ignoring?) by using the Find IPhone feature. I log in using their details and click the phone alarm sound that helps locate it. They certainly notice it then.

Obviously not much use for OP but handy if your kids have iPhones.

Op, I would just carry on doing what you do and tell your mum that if she continues ignoring her phone then having no lift home, or having to get buses on her own etc is all on her. If it affects you though, just stop going. It's twice the stress.

I can see both sides! I am sure it is very annoying for you when she doesn't answer or acknowledge calls or texts, but I am one of those people who hates being accessible 24/7 and I have my phone on silent most of the time; however, I do turn the volume on if I am expecting a call or text!!

@AutumnAlmanack

I can see both sides! I am sure it is very annoying for you when she doesn't answer or acknowledge calls or texts, but I am one of those people who hates being accessible 24/7 and I have my phone on silent most of the time; however, I do turn the volume on if I am expecting a call or text!!

The DM is doing this deliberately to create drama and be the victim. Its toxic behaviour.

I would agree a code when you’re 10/15 minutes away - 3 rings on the house phone.

My PILs had a mobile phone that they kept for emergencies only that was otherwise switched off. They would be travelling from Cornwall to us and would call us to say “ stuck in traffic” but then switch it off. Apparently emergencies only happen there end… we can’t have an emergency and need them.

I think you need to stop pandering to the travel nonsense. It simply isn’t working. She can join you at the destination- she can call you when she arrives to arrange meeting.

Sounds like she enjoys stoking up the drama.

Oh you’d hate me them.

My phone is usually on silent and I have voicemail disabled. It is on vibrate but the thing is generally at the bottom of my shopping bag or probably left at home.

As you might guess I am not a fan of them.

@TheView I didn't say my phone couldn't receive or send texts did I? I said it's either not charged, or I don't know where it is much of the time. I tried to explain this to one of the 20 somethings at work yesterday; that not having grown up with a mobile, I don't feel like a limb has been amputated if I don't know where it is, or if it hasn't been charged. Not everyone buys in to the 'need' to be available 24/7. My Mum has a mobile, which she only has switched on when she wants to use it.

This is the curse of Whatsapp. Me and my wife are probably somewhere on the spectrum and we get very stressed when messages come thick and fast.
Our technology can be used in different ways - not everyone uses it like you do. Calling her on her landline will save you both some stress.

Never again try to organise bus or train meet ups. Meet at destination.
Don’t start your own references to ‘waiting in the cold’ - just say ‘we’ll wait for a bit outside but if we’re not there we’ll be inside - come find us. I will have my phone on if you need to call’
See these outings as you and your kids and if she joins great if not no huge drama.
Sounds like everyone needs warm coats !

@Elphame

Oh you’d hate me them.

My phone is usually on silent and I have voicemail disabled. It is on vibrate but the thing is generally at the bottom of my shopping bag or probably left at home.

As you might guess I am not a fan of them.

So would you leave someone standing around then regularly because you've unilaterally changed/ignored the arrangements?

If so then you're extremely unreasonable like the OP's DM.

BTW PPs the OP has already said the DM DOESN'T USE THE LANDLINE!

YABU - her phone, her choice.