To be annoyed my mum can’t get her phone off silent and accessible at key times?

[TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]

Obviously no one wants to be on call 24/7, but it’s driving me nuts she treats it like a house phone when I’m trying to get in touch and she knows I will. Examples of what I mean

-I get a bus to her that’s unreliable. It takes 20min to get to her, the stop is 5 min from her house then we travel on together on the same bus.
The bus is really unreliable in its timetable, often a 22 min wait from when it should arrive. Occasionally no wait.
I text her/ try to ring when I get on the bus. This gives her 15min to get ready then she can walk over.
She every bloody week says ‘I didn’t see the text/ I didn’t get it in time’, instead of just having her phone ready off silent and not in the bottom of a bag. She’s then annoyed if I’m late, the wait if there’s roadworks can be even longer- I update this so she has no need to stand in the cold. Now she’s annoyed because the next bus was 25min behind us and I didn’t get off. I’ve just left her to follow us as she wasn’t there in time, the bus was early. I gave her good warning of this what time we would be there (a few min before normal)

-she’s with one of the kids. She knows I’ll text to collect them around a certain time when I’m near. I get there and she’s all ‘no one is ready! I didn’t see the text!’ (She hates being rushed and doesn’t want to invite us in as the younger ones will want to stay)

-we are meeting in town, she hasn’t given a set time but her phone isn’t on ring, I call and call. Once she was upset I left her in town without a lift back.

She honestly can’t get why it’s annoying me, thinks she checks it every 30/40 min and that’s ok…

@Pinkgorrilaz

Wow you do make some sweeping assumptions don’t you!

No because I was brought up with manners and wouldn’t dream of unilaterally changing any arrangements. I am also never late.

I'd be complaining about the buses first! That's not a service!
If your dm's phone is like mine texts take hours to come through sometimes so calling is imperative. Is her ringer right up? We've glued my mum's phone volume at max due to her increasing deafness. Very annoying and best to arrange at destinations from now on imo. I can't believe pp think she's being controlling, just unthinking and only able to see things from her perspective.

[quote TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]@Eltonsglasses you would have got off? I’m past bending to it frankly. 15 min to the next train. Why should I?[/quote]
You were right. I think it's a bit of a power thing, whether she realises it or not. I had a friend who was always late when meeting up. She would suggest meeting, for example, on a street corner, if we were meeting for lunch, so we could walk to the restaurant together. I knew that would mean me being there, most likely on a cold or wet day, until she turned up, late. I got wise to that and would say I would meet her there, or in a bookshop where I could browse happily.

Sorry, bit of a tangent. I would send a text, from now on, and leave the ball in her court. If she tries the wounded puppy look, and I didn't see your text, well that's on her. Suit yourself from here on, is my advice.

Tbf I don’t think you read the whole thread Elphame - it’s moved on from ‘oh yes I don’t like messages’ to the OP’s mum being a total pain in the arse all around

YABU - her phone, her choice.

Michance

The mum wants OP to accommodate her travel arrangements/time frame which will only work if the mum uses/nswers her her mobile. She doesn't then misses the bus/train and blames the OP.

I cant see how the OP is BU?

I cannot believe you are tolerating such bullshit from your mother.

It reads to me as very deliberate.

This is not normal.

She thinks her time is more important than yours and she enjoys upsetting you.

You are very silly to be entertaining this.

You need to stop including her in outings.
Stop using transport that suits her.

Stop running around accommodating her.

Step away from this stress.

She knows EXACTLY what she is doing.

She gets a kick from winding you up.

Stop allowing her to do that.

This.

And I would get off the bus and wait with her for the next bus tbf I’m presuming you have gone over how to use the phone with her a few times and shown her how to get it off of silent? Some people are just a lot less tech savvy.

Thought I quoted but didn’t lol

This: arrange a time and landmark to meet at in town

Another perspective - when you land to collect DC for her house, perhaps your DM wants some of your time too and that's why DC are not ready to be whisked away?

I think there are roughly two kinds of people - those who die by the clock and those who don't. You sound like opposites. It's possible she is struggling with your approach.

I think all you can do is appreciate your differences and make plans on that basis rather than right her off of go lo intact because of the inconvenience. Arrange to meet at a venue and have her call you when she arrives - no one is inconvenienced. Don't make arrangements to travel to or from town and then shop separately. Allow time at DM's to rally kids and have a cuppa?

I have been on the other end of this. Would arrange to pick up DM in car at her house at 9am. 9am plus 30 seconds call where are you? I was never more than 5 minutes late due to traffic - I live quite a drive away.

This would ruin the rest of the day for me because it felt controlling, accusational and irritating. I don't take her out often anymore. Not the same but impacts of the behaviours could be.

As PP said:
Yabu - to insist she answers on your timescale
Her having a mobile doesn’t make her immediately answerable to you. Lots of people aren’t glued to their phone. Deal with it.

Yanbu- to let her deal with the consequences of not answering.

I hope you can resolve this because it sounds like you both want to spend time together

@Eltonsglasses

Out of interest @Eltonsglasses why wouldn’t you either turn up at the expected time, or communicate the time you could arrive rather than repeatedly expect other to wait for you, or being cross you had to wait?

Where have I said I would do these things

You seem to be very dependent on your mum being there and have a huge expectation she should be available at all times to you. The train station thing, you didn't get off (the train? The bus?) because she wasn't there, but presumably because you planned to get off you planned to meet there, so why didn't you get off anyway? Where did you go instead? Did you even have a ticket to stay on past your planned destination? If I planned to meet someone at a train station I would turn up - you didn't. This isn't any doing of your mums, she was a couple of minutes late for that. Maybe she is like this because she is tired of needing to be available for you all the time but doesn't quite know how to tell you. Or, maybe she has cognitive issues contributing or maybe she is just a total scatter brained in which case you should know this and just get on with your day and stop making plans to meet on buses etc

You've completely misunderstood what what OP is saying

You've completely misunderstood what what OP is saying

I know.

Laughing at all these people saying ring/text the landline. They don't have a landline! And she does regularly use her phone. So it's clearly deliberate and I don't blame you at all OP.

@LefttoherownDevizes

By her a fitness tracker watch that buzzes when you get a call/message. That will alert her to the fact she needs to check her phone.

I had a cheap £25 one from Amazon that was perfectly fine.

DD14 does this and it drives me insane, especially when she's out in the dark

This. I love mine! My phone is always on silent, but a little buzz on the wrist alerts me when needed.

Also, depending on what kind of phone she has, you can set certain numbers to bypass the silent alert. For example my partner, parents, brother and grandparents never get sent to silent - it always rings when they phone me. We're a group chat kind of family so I know if I get an unscheduled phone call it's going to be urgent.

Yeah, I’ll use the landline straight after I’ve cancelled the cheque!

I’d also teach her to be tech savvy… if she wasn’t . If she can use it for work and friends she’s fine.
For a bit more context, she’s only 17 years older than me and working. Not like a generation that can’t stand another. Some of my children’s friend’s parents are around her age.

Why are posters suggesting the OP buy her mum a landlines phone/smart watch/teach her how to use the mobile?

OP has already stated her mum is tech savvy, she uses the phone to talk to and message friends and can sort her own landlines out.

Despite expecting a call from the OP her mum is choosing not to have her phone on or close by which means the OP is then inconvenienced and her mum is late and misses out.

[quote TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]@Eltonsglasses are you my mum? That’s the problem, she wants ‘join me on the bus, I’ll get on at 12’. The bus is roughly every 22min with no set timetable. It might get there at 12:22, it might be early and I’m there just before 12. I’ve also got 3 children with me to factor in. Very occasionally something happens like someone drops a drink on them seconds before leaving the house and we get the next bus, 3 kids with the best will in the world can be unpredictable.
If she could just read a text she wouldn’t either me waiting at the bus stop cold and stroppy for 20min or expecting me to get off if the bus is early and wait for the next.
I don’t even care about travelling together is the annoying bit, she wants to and my life would be so much easier if about 11:30 she could make sure her phone is noticeable each week. Not a big ask[/quote]
I think she is vu.

Just carry on with what you are doing.

It's her fault not yours

IMHO a text is not the way to co.municate anything urgent. I refuse to be tied to my phone and I think it's unhealthy to expect people to notice and pick up texts immediately. She should have the ringer up for calls though if there's no landline.

Won't your dad chivvy her a bit, she is being very self centred

All this sharing buses, trains, getting on, getting off, someone ready, someone not ready, bus late, train on time, drinking tea, eating something, no one wants to stand around, everyone is cold.... Jeeze my head is fried...

I'm not sure where you are all going, what the set up is that you all need to travel together, whether it's days out, child care or just the love to travel on buses and trains together .

Yes, it would be handy to know 15 mins prior to a bus arriving. But if your mother knows you message/ring to inform her of this, then It's up to her to read/answer it. If she doesn't then that's hard luck. You've obviously told her over and over so now it's time to not stress over it. I don't know how important it is that she shares your journey, whether she is just along for fun, or helping you.

Some people don't like mobiles, as handy as they are, there are people who just don't gel with mobiles. If your mother acts surprised when you turn up, or arrive on a bus, train, get on, get off, arrive early, late, just repeat that you messaged over and over. Or ask her when she questions you what she suggests.

The best thing all round I think is not to share buses, it's stressing you all out. Wherever you are all going on all these buses, go separately and meet there and go home separately

[quote TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]@CasperGutman I think knowing they had a working landline in a dusty box might not do my mood good.[/quote]
Why would it be in a dusty box? I thought the issue was that your mum had her phone on silent, not that she would actively refuse to be contactable?

Your mum has a landline, but her landline phone just doesn't work reliably, right? So if you got her a new phone (I'd buy it as a Christmas present, as it would seem less weird than just randomly buying it) then what would stop you just plugging it in in place of the non-working one?

Once she has a reliable home phone, it doesn't matter that her phone's on silent. All the issues you've described involved trying to contact her at home, so just call her at home. It's a workaround, but I suspect it will be easier to take action this way than to change her behaviour.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

They have a landline for the internet but it’s an old radio phone that doesn’t really work, batteries cut out if picked up and it just buzzes. It’s not something they use, I think my dad disconnected it. I don’t even have the number for whatever it is. (I don’t either have a landline for calls tbf)

I think I misunderstood this post: I thought your parents hadn't got a working landline because the actual phone was too unreliable so they stopped using it. This could be solved by a cheap replacement phone.

If they have a bought-and-paid-for landline service and refuse to plug a handset into it despite regularly missing communications which would benefit them in practical ways, then they have a bigger issue than just "whoops, my phone was on silent!"

My Mum will often leave spurious voicemails (as she will often phone when I'm in work and cant answer) then not answer her phone to sort out whatever issue it is for days.

Yesterday she left a message with some incorrect info (is it still ok to come this weekend) when it was next weekend we had planned

She then turned her phone off for 7 hours

To be honest I’d stop using her for childcare/seeing as much of her. She clearly causes a load of stress.

MIL used to keep her mobile switched off in a drawer for ‘emergencies’. She wouldn’t take it out of the house because ‘that’s not what it’s for’.
There was an incident once where she got lost and had to use several strangers mobiles to ring to sort it out/getting transport. She still didn’t see why she needed to take the phone out.