To be annoyed my mum can’t get her phone off silent and accessible at key times?

[TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]

Obviously no one wants to be on call 24/7, but it’s driving me nuts she treats it like a house phone when I’m trying to get in touch and she knows I will. Examples of what I mean

-I get a bus to her that’s unreliable. It takes 20min to get to her, the stop is 5 min from her house then we travel on together on the same bus.
The bus is really unreliable in its timetable, often a 22 min wait from when it should arrive. Occasionally no wait.
I text her/ try to ring when I get on the bus. This gives her 15min to get ready then she can walk over.
She every bloody week says ‘I didn’t see the text/ I didn’t get it in time’, instead of just having her phone ready off silent and not in the bottom of a bag. She’s then annoyed if I’m late, the wait if there’s roadworks can be even longer- I update this so she has no need to stand in the cold. Now she’s annoyed because the next bus was 25min behind us and I didn’t get off. I’ve just left her to follow us as she wasn’t there in time, the bus was early. I gave her good warning of this what time we would be there (a few min before normal)

-she’s with one of the kids. She knows I’ll text to collect them around a certain time when I’m near. I get there and she’s all ‘no one is ready! I didn’t see the text!’ (She hates being rushed and doesn’t want to invite us in as the younger ones will want to stay)

-we are meeting in town, she hasn’t given a set time but her phone isn’t on ring, I call and call. Once she was upset I left her in town without a lift back.

She honestly can’t get why it’s annoying me, thinks she checks it every 30/40 min and that’s ok…

If she behaves like this with her phone then I wouldn’t trust her to take care of the kids. What if there was an emergency? Tell her if she doesn’t use her mobile properly she has zero unsupervised access to the kids.

The meeting on the bus thing isn't working for either of you. Just stop it and meet and the destination, stress solved.

Factor in the faff time when collecting the kids from her after she has kindly offered childcare. No biggie.

Arrange to meet at specific time and place in town. If she needs to change it, she calls you, not vice versa.

So yes YABU.

I know your pain. My mum and dad leave theirs in the car when they are out and about.

If she behaves like this with her phone then I wouldn’t trust her to take care of the kids. What if there was an emergency?

I'm not sure the 2 are linked

DPs mum is like this.
Never misses a call, text or message from her hobby group but when DP tries to contact her she doesn't hear it/can't find it. She then complains he doesn't call her enough or ask her to come out with us.
She does have a landline but as she's always in the garden or out doing her hobby she doesn't answer that either.
DP has had to drive over to her house multiple times as she's not answered either phone for hours and he's worried (she is late 70s) to find her sat in the garden with her mobile in her bag in the kitchen.

@CommonDen I think you’re right, it’s part of a bigger issue and not the phone. She can recognise ‘I don’t want to stand in the cold for 20 min’ or ‘I don’t want to be rushed’ or ‘I need a lift because I don’t drive’ but she doesn’t seem to be at all aware of our needs. If we are standing, having got off the bus, in the rain without need she just walks up smiling and sees it as one of those things. She doesn’t she could help us all by doing her bit, or see.
She is important, her preferences for how she uses her phone override anything else. She can have a cup of tea and relax, she won’t wonder if it’s causing any knock on- but if pick the kids up and cause the cup to go a bit cold she’s annoyed like I’ve sprung it on her. I’ve been taking all 3 with me lately out as I’m so fed up of the attitude on collection, and I get guilt tripped about not seeing the grandkids. It saves me half an hour driving not to leave one of them with her.
This thread this morning is prompted by the fact she asked to go to the museum with us. She wasn’t at the train station so I didn’t get off. I told her I’d text half an hour before being at the station and the approximate time (I wanted to check texts twice, we were bang on the approximate time. Apparently as we usually run behind she gave it another few minutes to avoid standing in the cold). She now can’t go and has walked to the station for nothing because I have the membership of a one adult plus guest ticket. I’m just fed up of standing with bored kids around, chasing her up and giving easy to follow options that are ignored.

This thread this morning is prompted by the fact she asked to go to the museum with us. She wasn’t at the train station so I didn’t get off. I told her I’d text half an hour before being at the station and the approximate time (I wanted to check texts twice, we were bang on the approximate time. Apparently as we usually run behind she gave it another few minutes to avoid standing in the cold). She now can’t go and has walked to the station for nothing because I have the membership of a one adult plus guest ticket. I’m just fed up of standing with bored kids around, chasing her up and giving easy to follow options that are ignored.

This is utterly ridiculous - on your part

@rattlemehearties believe me I’d rather get the direct route with the kids without the bloody fuss. She of course wants to meet at the quiet place by her house, as opposed to the busy place 40min away. She won’t go on her own there, but I get a guilt trip about not seeing the grandchildren if I don’t meet her. She also claims she comes to help me with 3 kids to her friends, a whole different story.

@Eltonsglasses you would have got off? I’m past bending to it frankly. 15 min to the next train. Why should I?

OP, this would drive me crazy too, but surely you've suggested that she has her phone handy and with the volume up? What did she say to that?

Exactly as you’ve been doing

Don’t get off the bus and wait, leave her in town to make her own way home.

If it becomes her problem she might deal with it. If not at least the impact on tou is minimised

[quote TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]@Eltonsglasses you would have got off? I’m past bending to it frankly. 15 min to the next train. Why should I?[/quote]
Yes of course, and i would give her ten mins or so then carry on with my day.

Not everyone lives & dies by their phone so YABU in that respect. If she misses the bus etc, then she misses the bus.

I have sympathy with both of you I don’t have my mobile on me all the time but do if I am expecting a text. As others have said ring the land line then gradually move over to her mobile.

@Chunkymenrock I’ve even pointed to the outer pockets of her back to suggest the phone in one of those, with the volume on, rather than under a billion other items and requiring a 5 min rummage to find. I’ve been very very clear.
This morning I even sent a text on waking to remind her in an hour I’d be texting again when on the train, and the expected time the train we planned to get would arrive on the platform. She read the first as well.

Out of interest @Eltonsglasses why wouldn’t you either turn up at the expected time, or communicate the time you could arrive rather than repeatedly expect other to wait for you, or being cross you had to wait? It seems far far kinder and easier and respectful to those around you. What is the mindset to have others fit around you, are they simply of less importance?
If someone asks me to do something for them and I like them, I just wouldn’t dream of not trying when it’s something requiring a very minor effort on my part.

It's clear she is saying her time is more important than yours and you need to play this game by her rules.

I don't think you have done anything wrong today OP. She's happy to inconvenience you with this behaviour so she should be fine with being inconvenienced by it herself.

Out of interest @Eltonsglasses why wouldn’t you either turn up at the expected time, or communicate the time you could arrive rather than repeatedly expect other to wait for you, or being cross you had to wait?

Where have I said I would do these things

You seem to be very dependent on your mum being there and have a huge expectation she should be available at all times to you. The train station thing, you didn't get off (the train? The bus?) because she wasn't there, but presumably because you planned to get off you planned to meet there, so why didn't you get off anyway? Where did you go instead? Did you even have a ticket to stay on past your planned destination? If I planned to meet someone at a train station I would turn up - you didn't. This isn't any doing of your mums, she was a couple of minutes late for that. Maybe she is like this because she is tired of needing to be available for you all the time but doesn't quite know how to tell you. Or, maybe she has cognitive issues contributing or maybe she is just a total scatter brained in which case you should know this and just get on with your day and stop making plans to meet on buses etc

My mum has a mobile phone but leaves it at home when she goes out. Honestly don't understand what the point is.

Yes, if she does it a couple of times just don’t make the arrangement again- don’t even try to travel on the same bus, have set times for picking up kids. If she complains about being rushed etc just say “we tried this a couple of times and it didn’t work as your phone was on silent”. I don’t think she’s going to change this habit and so best just to make arrangements which don’t involve short time contact.

FIL used to do this, only turn his mobile on when he wanted to make a call himself and then switched it straight back off. He couldn't understand why you would leave it on. Took him missing several calls from MIL who had accompanied a colleague to hospital after they collapsed at work to finally put the damn thing on when he was out and about.

Ok @Eltonsglasses I can’t reply to that word salad of strange ideas, did I have a ticket to stay on? Am I dependent?
If you reread my posts and want to engage with things I’ve said of course I’ll reply, but no idea where to start with that.

Word salad