To be annoyed my mum can’t get her phone off silent and accessible at key times?

[TheViewFromTheCheapSeats]

Obviously no one wants to be on call 24/7, but it’s driving me nuts she treats it like a house phone when I’m trying to get in touch and she knows I will. Examples of what I mean

-I get a bus to her that’s unreliable. It takes 20min to get to her, the stop is 5 min from her house then we travel on together on the same bus.
The bus is really unreliable in its timetable, often a 22 min wait from when it should arrive. Occasionally no wait.
I text her/ try to ring when I get on the bus. This gives her 15min to get ready then she can walk over.
She every bloody week says ‘I didn’t see the text/ I didn’t get it in time’, instead of just having her phone ready off silent and not in the bottom of a bag. She’s then annoyed if I’m late, the wait if there’s roadworks can be even longer- I update this so she has no need to stand in the cold. Now she’s annoyed because the next bus was 25min behind us and I didn’t get off. I’ve just left her to follow us as she wasn’t there in time, the bus was early. I gave her good warning of this what time we would be there (a few min before normal)

-she’s with one of the kids. She knows I’ll text to collect them around a certain time when I’m near. I get there and she’s all ‘no one is ready! I didn’t see the text!’ (She hates being rushed and doesn’t want to invite us in as the younger ones will want to stay)

-we are meeting in town, she hasn’t given a set time but her phone isn’t on ring, I call and call. Once she was upset I left her in town without a lift back.

She honestly can’t get why it’s annoying me, thinks she checks it every 30/40 min and that’s ok…

@Heronwatcher yes, I think I just need to stop her tagging along on outings that are like this. I did a period of low contact when they were small, but I’ve tried to include her again but I think things have slipped. I just need to say ‘I can’t cope with this’.

She sounds like a thorough pain in the arse. It wouldn’t make her any better, but would you consider just switching WhatsApp location sharing on on those days so she can track where you are, if she can be bothered?

I would just carry on living your life and not getting off the bus or bending your arrangements to her convenience: if there’s a direct route, get that rather than the roundabout route via hers that relies on a communication method that doesn’t work. She can whistle for your company. “Oh, you want to join us at the museum? We’ll be there at 10am. Go via your bus stop? No that doesn’t work for us.” On repeat.

Does she have a landline? You used to be able to text landlines and the nice BT lady would read the text when you answered.

The train station thing, you didn't get off (the train? The bus?) because she wasn't there, but presumably because you planned to get off you planned to meet there, so why didn't you get off anyway? Where did you go instead? Did you even have a ticket to stay on past your planned destination?

Elton
It seems OPS mum lives on the way to the town centre and the train stops at mums Station. OP was saying her mum was supposed to join

her on the train when it stopped at her station so that they were together for the journey to the museum. Mum wasn't there and OP decided not to get off the train and wait for her mum but instead carried on with her intended journey.

Is that right OP?

@Eltonsglasses

Out of interest @Eltonsglasses why wouldn’t you either turn up at the expected time, or communicate the time you could arrive rather than repeatedly expect other to wait for you, or being cross you had to wait?

Where have I said I would do these things

You seem to be very dependent on your mum being there and have a huge expectation she should be available at all times to you. The train station thing, you didn't get off (the train? The bus?) because she wasn't there, but presumably because you planned to get off you planned to meet there, so why didn't you get off anyway? Where did you go instead? Did you even have a ticket to stay on past your planned destination? If I planned to meet someone at a train station I would turn up - you didn't. This isn't any doing of your mums, she was a couple of minutes late for that. Maybe she is like this because she is tired of needing to be available for you all the time but doesn't quite know how to tell you. Or, maybe she has cognitive issues contributing or maybe she is just a total scatter brained in which case you should know this and just get on with your day and stop making plans to meet on buses etc

You've misunderstood. They planned to travel by train together to the museum. OP gets on with the kids at station A. Train due to arrive at station B at 10am, where her mum will get on the train and join them for the journey to station C where the museum is.

Except her mum arrives at station B at 10.05am as she doesn't want to be waiting in the cold if the train is late. Except the train arrived on time and has already departed. OP's mum also won't check her messages, so didn't see message from OP saying train running on schedule.

OP's mum expected OP to get off at station B with 3 kids and wait (in the cold) for her to arrive and get on the next train.

She was unwilling to either arrive on time, or check her messages for an update on the train schedule, or message them that she is running late. She expects OP and kids to get off train and hang around waiting for her, with no idea when she will arrive.

If it bothers you just ring her landline or meet her at the destination rather than going via hers. Some people just aren't glued to their phones 24/7 (my DM is the same).

Yes to the other posters who’ve paraphrased, that’s correct.
Even more-I could actually get a train a to b but I walked further to station c with the kids to go via station d, where she lives,to get to b annoyingly. It adds already 20 min to the journey in walking to the overground.

Sorry I did pick it up wrong. When OP said She wasn’t at the train station so I didn’t get off. I took that to mean the plan was for OP to get off at that station all along.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

They have a landline for the internet but it’s an old radio phone that doesn’t really work, batteries cut out if picked up and it just buzzes. It’s not something they use, I think my dad disconnected it. I don’t even have the number for whatever it is. (I don’t either have a landline for calls tbf)

Buy her a new landline phone that works. www.argos.co.uk/product/8031617

YANBU all you can do is keep telling her "but you knew I'd be texting you." Every time she says she didn't see it

Or even www.argos.co.uk/product/3924358

@CasperGutman I think knowing they had a working landline in a dusty box might not do my mood good.

Do not ever make your kids get off and wait in the cold because she didn't want to wait in the cold.

Does she have some kind of phobia of getting on public transport alone? I don't see why she wouldn't just get on the next train and come to find you at the museum. It does sound like a control thing.

It’s infuriating and I hear you!!!
Question for those that keep phones on silent.. WHY??? Please explain it to me. My DH does it and I just don’t understand why??? Please someone enlighten me.
X

OP it sounds like your mum wants you to do a,b and c and accommodating that isn't a problem for you. The issue is she is not keeping to her side of the arrangement.

Mum "I want to enjoy the journey with you but I don't want to stand in the cold longer than I have to"
OP "No problem. I will call text when I am on the bus/train so that you will leave home at the right time".
Mum doesn't keep her phone on loud/near by and doesn't bother to check it despite knowing OP will be calling.
Mum then moans she missed the bus/train and blames OP.

I would just stop accommodating her and make it very clear that it's her fault.

Lay it all out for her. "We don't want to be out in the cold just like you don't."

Then be clear: "If you won't check your messages, we can't make plans with you."

Actions have consequences. Your mother needs to accept responsibility for her own stupidity and obstinacy.
When making the arrangements, simply tell her that you will no longer take the long way round, as she has wilfully refused to communicate, and caused the plan to fall apart, so many times that you will no longer play her silly game.
Tell her you will meet her in town at the venue at a set time. If your own plans change, you will text or phone her - and if she refuses to read/take the call, that’s on her. You are through being messed about by her.
Assertiveness, OP. It has much to recommend it, when dealing with manipulative game players!

OP YANBU.
People who suggest you are expecting too much of your mother have misunderstood I think.

If she wants to get on the same bus/train as you then she has to be aware of the bus you are on BY CHECKING HER PHONE.

I would no longer put myself out by going to a further bus stop/train station than the one that suits you.
I would say "I'll meet you in town at 11:30". Or "we'll be at the museum at 11".
At the moment the arrangement is stressing you out and it's not working anyway because your mum CBA to check her phone. So stop stressing yourself out , do what suits you. If a grown woman can't check her phone for an arrangement SHE benefits from, that's fine. But there'll no longer be messages from you

It's really hard to tell whether this is a case of 'dear old mum has this really annoying habit' or 'my quite controlling mum exerts control over me in this way too'.

Either way, YANBU, this is utterly infuriating, but I wouldn't put your children out/accommodate her any more than you are (by going a slightly longer route).

@Skiptheheartsandflowersn she gets public transport alone a fair bit. Sometimes she claims ‘it’s so I can help you’,
Tbf one child is autistic and when they were all under 5 an extra person was helpful- I’ve communicated for years though now we are buggy free it’s easy and I’m happy alone. Most days I take them on public transport alone and I’ve told her many times going a to b is easier. She still says it. I guess she likes to talk to the kids on the journey and make more of a day of it? Tbh fuck knows why it’s insisted on. She hardly ever joined us in the years when it was difficult to manage them…

If I’m honest over the years I’ve grown into someone who’s happy in my own company or alone with the kids. I try not to be spiky and exclude her for no reason and be nice, because I know I have a tendency to be anti-social and upset people occasionally forgetting to see them.

Back in the day we had to make arrangements and stick to them, there was no moving things around on the hoof like we do now with mobiles. Your mum doesn't seem willing to do either, which is totally unreasonable of her. I think you need to offer her a clear choice - we make a fixed plan in advance, and if you don't stick to it you miss out - or you keep in contact so that we can find each other en route to things. Make her agree which system you're both using then don't do anything differently if she then doesn't turn up.

With the picking up of children, I think the onus is on you to tell her when you'll be arriving and then stick to it. Obviously things can happen to delay you, but that was true before mobiles too. I honestly think things were easier before we had this constant communication, meaning arrangements are ever-evolving, but it does require a commitment on both sides to stick to the plan.

@Babdoc

Actions have consequences. Your mother needs to accept responsibility for her own stupidity and obstinacy. When making the arrangements, simply tell her that you will no longer take the long way round, as she has wilfully refused to communicate, and caused the plan to fall apart, so many times that you will no longer play her silly game. Tell her you will meet her in town at the venue at a set time. If your own plans change, you will text or phone her - and if she refuses to read/take the call, that’s on her. You are through being messed about by her. Assertiveness, OP. It has much to recommend it, when dealing with manipulative game players!

This! Your mother is manipulative and seems to enjoy making drama, you of course will always be wrong no matter how accomodating you are. Stop this. She wont change. So we will meet at xyz at 10am. If you are late we will go inside as its cold for the DC.

She wants to be in control/control you.

She purposefully doesn't consider your/grandkids needs because hers are more important.

You will never find a workable solution because she enjoys the problem - it outs her in a position of power.

I bet she pulls this sort of shit in other ways too.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

YANBU at all. There's a special place in hell for people who keep their phone on silent ALL THE TIME. Drives me fucking batshit. So much so, that the small number of people I know who do this (2 people) I just never ring anymore. I just message them. What's the fucking point, if their ringer's not on?! EVER!

How annoying if it's a relative - or someone else - who is expecting you to help them. If it was me, I would throw in the towel, because she is obviously not that bothered about having your help, if she can't be arsed to switch her phone on!