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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

278 replies

shitsunday · 12/11/2021 23:17

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

  • DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”
  • I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.
  • It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.
  • Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.
  • I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.
  • I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.
  • I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

OP posts:
Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 14/11/2021 18:22

Wow! What I read from this is a person who is beating herself up for not being perfect all the time. A person who has been under various stress triggers for a while and it is coming to a head. A person who needs some time out to de-stress and regain some perspective. What you've quoted as proof of your horrible personality simply screams I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. We have all been there with the muttering under our breath at the kids, cat, dog and anybody in our firing line. It does not mean in any way, shape or form that you are a horrible person. It means you are human!!!

Macmoominmamma · 14/11/2021 18:25

How does DH respond when you tell him how you can’t cope at work? If you feel he’s not listening / doesn’t hear you this can forge your irritation towards him. Speaking from personal experience!

Anits52 · 14/11/2021 18:30

I literally could have written that. You have described me and my feelings to a T. You are not alone. I think everything is getting on top of us now. We are allowed to be like this, we just need to do thinks that will bring joy. When hubby better take yourself for a massage and a bit of time to yourself. Get out and away from the house it does help with getting frustrated with everything.
It will get better! Finally tell hubby you know you are not the best at the minute but you want to lift the mood and here's how he can help.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/11/2021 18:37

You’re not a bad person. A bad person wouldn’t care. You’re stressed and overwhelmed. My therapist says that anger is a symptom of a barrier being breached. People/life is taking from you more than you have to give.

ironorchids · 14/11/2021 18:40

I think you need to find another job.

Less stress will mean little things agitate you less, and so you'll lash out less.

It sounds like the little behaviours you see in yourself that you don't like are all stress related, and your job is the biggest source of stress.

Is there any way you can take a few weeks off work to reevaluate?

Downton57 · 14/11/2021 18:52

I agree with @ironorchids. You're feeling that you're not coping at work. That's massively stressful and will impact hugely on your ability to cope with small stresses at home. Take some time off. See if you can reduce hours or find another job.

Ifrozethehoumous · 14/11/2021 18:56

Ah you poor mite - it’s this bloody pandemic: working at home, kids off school a while back, no holidays in the sun and a lousy summer that is making life so miserable for us all. Oh and sodding Brexit doesn’t help either with rising taxes/prices/shortages. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole country wasn’t depressed. Be kind to yourself sweetie and take it easy where you can.

Pinklemonade1 · 14/11/2021 18:57

I don't think you're not a had person. You're juggling a lot and I think you possibly have anxiety. When dh gets better, ask for a bit of help and try to have some time just for you..don't be too hard on yourself as you will just feel worse.

notoldjustpastyoung · 14/11/2021 18:57

Yes stressed, but he has got Covid and he should be isolating in a room not mixing with all of you. I think you're trying to do too much in a difficult situation. How would you like it if you had Covid and only got someone moaning at you. Bring out the caring and all will be better.

Pinklemonade1 · 14/11/2021 18:58

you're not a bad person

MiniPumpkin · 14/11/2021 19:00

Been there, was very irritated about everything, I was angry at nothing, snappy at dh and I snapped at dd a few times. That was the final straw. Started on sertraline and once is settled into my system it worked well, had this calming effect on me. I couldn’t believe it, it was life changing at the time. I’m off them now and fine x

threatmatrix · 14/11/2021 19:00

You are not alone, I could have written this about myself. Oh the shame.

DGFB · 14/11/2021 19:10

Whatever it is, you need to stop being horrible to your husband. Telling him to keep the noise down when he’s coughing with Covid is just nasty.
Not doing anything for his birthday.. unforgivable
Hopefully you can find a way to destress

HTH1 · 14/11/2021 19:16

You know what you are OP? Human!

It sounds like you need more down time to yourself as it’s exhausting being “on” all the time. Maybe DH could help out more.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 14/11/2021 19:17

Th nicest thing you could do is open up to dh and say can we discuss, help me because I love you.
I had many years of bitching from my husband - 18 - and finally left him. He offered to change / professions of love but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve never been happier since. Only you know how bad it is and it’s totally brilliant that you want to change it. I would have done anything to get him to write a post like you did x

Unicorn34 · 14/11/2021 19:19

I'm sorry you feel so unhappy. It may be a good idea (sorry if someone has already suggested this) that you get him to read your original post, then you can start talking. You sound very stressed. I hope you get things sorted and start enjoying life a little more.

Just a quickie - I get quite annoyed with one of my cats as she likes to basically sit around my neck at every opportunity but I lost one of my other cats about a month ago and miss her terribly so am trying not to get so annoyed as I will miss her when she is gone. Give your kitty a cuddle - she may actually be trying to give you some comfort as you are stressed.

LeicesterIntheMorning · 14/11/2021 19:21

@DGFB

Whatever it is, you need to stop being horrible to your husband. Telling him to keep the noise down when he’s coughing with Covid is just nasty. Not doing anything for his birthday.. unforgivable Hopefully you can find a way to destress
Way to kick someone when they're down...
DownyEmerald · 14/11/2021 19:21

Can you drop your hours? The whole house and everyone in it is much happier because I work part-time. There is always too much to do at work and before our daughter I used to get so stressed and became not-nice.

maybloss2 · 14/11/2021 19:21

Hi op,
You sound quite overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities..perhaps you’re secretly wondering about how you got where you are..you do sound depressed, take the meds, it needn’t be for long. Also look to do something that is just for you everyday but also choose one thing everyday that that you do foreach member of your family and do it with love. Remember that they are humans that need love too. I mean consciously remind yourself. I do this when I find I’m almost constantly irritated with people is to give myself some alone time ( so self love) but also to choose one thing to do for others with kindness and love. Even if it’s just to ask if there is anything I can do?As for the 40th b’day make up your mind to make up for it…book him a meal, or cook him a meal arrange something and tell him why. He’ll appreciate the effort and the fact you’ve bothered to try to make amends.
Remember too that lockdown and covid have had a huge effect on most people’s moods.

HTH1 · 14/11/2021 19:21

OP, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that, even when DH isn’t ill, you do most of the chores and running round with the kids (perhaps also the main breadwinner with the stressful job?). If so, it really isn’t that you’re not a nice person.

Tangletester · 14/11/2021 19:25

You sound like me when my children were young. I think you’re stressed.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 14/11/2021 19:27

Bad people don't worry about being good.

Yummymummy2020 · 14/11/2021 19:27

All the above does not mean you are not a nice person, it means you are pushed to your limits and need a break. You can always organise a late surprise for dh, and to be honest with you it sounds like you need some more support all around. I doubt you feel this shitty from one week or so and I assume there have been issues before he had Covid. It’s honestly not fair to beat yourself up over this if you are trying to feel better by taking action. That in itself shows you are a nice person!

drpet49 · 14/11/2021 19:30

** Whatever it is, you need to stop being horrible to your husband. Telling him to keep the noise down when he’s coughing with Covid is just nasty.
Not doing anything for his birthday.. unforgivable**

^This

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 14/11/2021 19:33

You sound a lot like me. Lockdown has contributed to feelimg overwhelmed almost all the time and its hard to be nice when you feel like that.