I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

Seal to your GP. You relied your not in a good place. I hope you find a better path x

You need to be getting more sleep, self refer yourself to the local lAPT service or if your work has an EAP to that. The medications can help take the edge off but they wont resolve the problem. You need to develop some new ways of thinking and behaving so CBT sounds like a good option.

I think a lot of people have said it. You sound stressed and maybe a bit depressed. If I were you I would do a combination of the following.
Start getting decent sleep. Go to bed early, no screens, consider melatonin to get you into a habit look up ‘sleep hygiene’
Look at foods abs consider giving up alcohol and sugar. They will make a massive difference to the quality of your sleep and your mood.
Consider counselling or therapy coaching, NLP or CBT… all of these will help you address what is at the core of all of this but also help you change it and your response:reactions.
Exercise/do something for yourself.
Practice breathing exercises. They are fantastic for mood and energy if you do it consistently.
Try mindfulness or meditation
Take a break. Take a weekend away from DP and kids, house, cat etc. It may not fix the problem but will give you a little break. Use tbe break to sleep/walk/calm.

It sounds like you need a bit of 'me time'. Do you get time to do something for yourself? I know it's hard, but self care is really important and it's hard to look after everyone else when you are not taking care of you.

I could have written much of that. This might sound odd but bear with me… I switched to a plant based/vegan diet about 6 months ago, eating a lot more fruit/veg and whole foods. This wasn’t the goal at all, but I have noticed my sleep is now much better and I am generally less irritable and a nicer person. Not perfect by a long way, but definitely less snappy with my son than I used to be. DH agrees!

Meant to say.. you ask how you can change.. I felt exactly that way, like I absolutely hated myself. Honestly I was unwell and just couldn’t see it, I was fighting any notion I had anything wrong with my mental health. Just something to think about x

You need to do some stuff for you that makes you nicer. Personally I run and do yoga, my family know that I am a much nicer person when I do these activities. They make me feel good about myself and help with mental health. Yoga and running may not be your thing but try to find something to make you feel nice and then you will be nice:)

Omg if I beat myself up every time I told me kids loudly to shut up, I'd be black and blue.

The people who are being so judgmental, this will happen to you at some point. Life will get too much and you will get snappy. Very, very few of us will get through life without such low points. Support is what's needed. Harsh criticism helps nobody and can stop people who're struggling from reaching out.

I think you should stay the same and tell everyone else to change

You sound very stressed and I would cut yourself some slack... I am the person your describing about 50% of the time....

Stress and hormones. You’re not bad just worn out probably

But I would definitely add talk to your hubby, even if he can't help it may put him (and you) at ease he's not the worst person in the world...

Have taken sertraline. It’s not a simple answer. It can really really help. But it comes with strings attached. The “getting on it” can be terrible. And sometimes you can have side effects (mine were stomach and nausea related) that don’t go away while taking them.

But! If you need them, they are likely to help. The anger is likely down to anxiety and depression. You are likely to see that lift on sertraline.

And give yourself a break. Somethings not right here. It could be depression, peri menopause, bit B12, etc. It could be that your husband is a pain in the arse, your kids are trying and your job is stressful. Women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed w depression and twice as likely to be prescribed anti depressants. One explanation for this is that we are stretched too bloody thin. Especially true given COVID-19.

If you want to get better, I have no doubts that you will.

You sound stressed but also like certain things trigger you to act in these ways. I'd look into getting some counselling for yourself to talk things through and maybe understand what's going on. Also be honest with your husband and say you don't know why you're acting the way right now you are but you're working on it... but tell him calmly when he's not doing it that emptying the dishwasher just as you have put dinner on the table upsets you

I was expecting you to say you had a second family or had killed someone! You sound like a HUMAN! Cut yourself some slack.

You sound burnt out. Do you and your husband shoulder an equal load of the domestic/parenting tasks? Just thinking how you might relive the load on you a little.

Give yourself a break.

Also, the dinner thing would majorly fuck me off!

You sound like a normal person to me!! I feel very similar to you a lot of the time. You sound like a very busy mum, who’s pretty exhausted doing the mundane grind of cooking/childcare etc. It is very frustrating when you’ve spent time and effort cooking a meal, only for your family to not appreciate it as much or how you would like. If kids/partner come to the table late after faffing, it’s natural to feel irritated if the food’s gone a bit cold.
Sounds like you need to cut yourself a bit of slack. Be kinder to yourself & try to take some time out to do something for yourself. Maybe try to get kids in to bed a bit earlier a couple of nights a week so you can enjoy a bit of chocolate & cuppa (or something stronger!) whilst watching something you enjoy on tv/Netflix etc.

You sound depressed... i think to become a better person you need to look at what is making you unhappy and change it.. is it your job? Relationship issues? Health?

@shitsunday

Peri-menopause?

I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse - I’m “only” in my late 30s! And have always been an anxious, stressy cow to be honest. I’ve definitely got worse as I’ve got older though.

I have explained to DH that I feel stressed a lot of the time and he does his best to help - taking over my share of the chores to give me an extra bit of chill-out time at weekends for example. But ultimately he says it’s down to me to put the effort in and try to see the positives and the best in things, and that’s how most people get through life. I know he’s right.

You sound a bit like I used to be. Always stressed and particularly horrid a week before my period. I'm nearly 48 now and have recently started HRT and oh my god. I'm a different person. Much more at ease, less anxious and stressy and in a good mood A LOT. I'm not suggesting you go on HRT but hormone levels might well be a big part of how you are feeling. I can't believe I had all those years feeling so pissy! I hope you find a way of feeling better xxx

You are horrible to your DH bit at least you can see that and want to change. All the people falling over to defend you doesn't do anyone any favours. We can all get stressed. But I cant imagine just giving my DH a bottle for a special birthday.

I think you are overwhelmed and need a break. If after that it doesn’t improve you need to talk to your gp.

@Lanique

Aw op so many of us have been there and know how you feel. Nothing you've said is that bad, I agree with other posters who say you sound stressed. Work plus kids plus running a household is stressful, and with zero help it is even more so.

When you're stressed it's hard to see the wood for the trees, and while the above suggestions are great it can be a bit overwhelming to have to action anything while you've got a plateful. However, one thing you can do, which takes very little time, is to start to have a little more self-empathy.

You are not a bad person so please stop beating yourself up and be kinder to yourself. We (as women especially) have had from birth a huge societal pressure to always be kind and to glide calmly through everything life throws at us like a swan. Well fuck that shit.

It's ok to be stressed, it's ok to be angry, and it's ok to be fucked off. You are human not a robot. I spent many years beating myself up about not being nice enough and as soon as I accepted that that is the way I am sometimes and that it's ok to feel like that, I started to feel better about myself. That in turn has made me a nicer person I think because I don't feel 'angry guilty' all the time.

The other thing I do is talk to Dh how I feel. Sometimes I don't get very far but I do think it helps when your OH knows it's not as personal as they might think otherwise.

I agree with this. I found it really hard when DH had covid, having to run round doing everything even though he felt better after a few days. I am also very sensitive to noise so wouldn’t cope with someone coughing and coughing near me (such a relief to have a spare room to send him to). Kids do also seem to know how to push your buttons when you are at low ebb, and the cat thing almost sounds like you’re “touched out” and have little in the tank left to give. Acknowledging you have been grumpy and saying sorry can go such a long way.

Some good advice on this thread. I must admit I have stressful weeks where I am mumbling “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” in my head, head down, get through today and tomorrow will be better. It’s unfashionable but I find prayer helps too. Chatting through your feelings with God or the universe or whatever.

If this is more than a short-term period of stress/intensity, then I think you need to think about tackling things on two fronts - try to reduce your mental load somehow (delegating at work, reducing hours, or getting a cleaner etc at home). And follow up with the mental health/self care side to help with your mood. And agree about keep talking to DH about it, otherwise he will feel that it’s something he’s done or that you are feeling cold towards him.

There have been times in our marriage where one or the other of us has had this dynamic going on - stress/burnout/low mood and communication and understanding goes such a long way. Neither of us would write the other off as a bad person.

I honestly could have written this. And I also feel so totally overwhelmed. Hilariously, I’m on maternity leave too! I think I’ve forgotten how to enjoy life, I used to be really fun, I wouldn’t be surprised if my DH had enough really.

OP you’re being WAY to hard on yourself.

Everyone snaps at their husband and kids occasionally.

Having a job that really stresses you can take a massive toll on your mental state. Could you change roles or go part time? Or change companies?

If not can you carve out some more me time even if just watching something funny with a hot drink before bed.