I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

@Wordsmithery

I think you might benefit from some counselling. You're aware of the problem, which is a massive head start, and you're self-aware, which means you'll engage well with a counsellor. Apart from exploring issues that may be contributing to the way you feel, you can discuss coping strategies. Find the right counsellor and you won't look back. Oh and talk to your husband and acknowledge. It'll be good for him to see you seeking help.

I agree with this tbh. Counselling can be really effective for finding out what's behind how you're behaving. Often there's learned behaviour from a critical or self-absorbed parent. That said, I do think your job is having a massive impact too. And my peri symptoms started around 38 and have kept getting worse so don't rule it out.

Therapy of some kind will give you more insight and specific strategies for making changes.

Do you get any time to yourself? What do you do for self-care, to be kind to yourself? You can’t pour from an empty cup. Well done for noticing that you need to make a change, but try some self-compassion and think about how you can feel better in yourself, and I promise you will pass that on to your family. Counselling, booking time to go out and see friends, a long bath with a book, a quiet night watching a film with DH, whatever works for you.

You do sound very stressed but maybe you could start off each day by thinking of 5 things you are really thankful for. That might put you in the right frame of mind.
I had a husband with Covid this week and his cough was very annoying. He was not that ill either but because he had to isolate I suddenly had responsibility for meals, shipping, dog walking, work and running around after him. I was irritable too. 😂

@Happyhappyday

I would think about trying CBT, it’s about changing your mindset. Also beware Sertraline may make you feel worse first then better & you can’t just stop taking it. I was prescribed it without understanding what it was for and got stuck on it for ages. That said, it can help a lot.

yeah I was going to suggest a talking therapy on the NHS of some sort. something to help you examine how you feel: there could be self esteem issues, anxiety, depression who knows, or, as one of the therapists said to me its just "good to have a mental health spring clean every now and then".

i have felt the same as you OP. journaling, yoga, excercise, mediation, self care and therapy helped me get put of a hole. but there are moments in every day which are up and some are down, do you feel you are forgetting the good parts of the day? maybe try listing those in your journal.

6 hours sleep a night is not enough, and do some exercise

How much help and support do you have?
Anyone who's overtired and overworked would feel like you do.
Get a better balance with DH.
I wouldn't rush to medicate to take away the effects of stress and overwork.

You've got so much on your plate. Please don't be hard on yourself. We've all been there. With DC,a stressful job, house to take care of and a relationship to maintain it's tough.

I have 3 DC, one with SEN, and most days I mutter obscenities under my breath, I can tell you, often escalating to actually shouting them out loud to DH once DC aren't around.

You've had good advice. Take care of you and it'll all seem easier. One of the best pieces of advice from a PP is to take a breath and apologise in the moment. I've had to learn to do this as I've got older. DH (my 2nd) taught me how good it is. I'm still a grumpy bitch at times but I do apologise and hug it out. I do it with DC too. Yesterday morning I grumped at DC 1 (17)- stressed at getting out for work- but 5 mins later before I left I said sorry for being a grump, he smiled, hugged me and all was good. It really, really makes a difference .

I'm a lot like you op. Have been all my life but recently I found it was getting really bad

What has helped recently is all the things I kept dismissing as clichés but do actually help

Converted efforts to get enough sleep no more staying up watching mindless TV to put off the dreaded getting up to another day

• 5-15mins of meditation every morning depending how much time I have but 5 mins is non-negotiable
• Write a min of 3 things I'm grateful for each morning but more if I can think of them. ( The list is getting easier to write and longer as time goes by. The first day I spent ages trying to think if something and almost gave up so negative was my mindset

Do some exercise- not loads but 2-3 online sessions of 20-40 mins depending on how much time I have plus 2-3 30 min brisk/ uphill walks a week

On days I don't do the 30 min exercise walk - at least 10-15 mins local walk outside to get some sunlight / air
After a couple of weeks I'm feeling much less irritable and stressed

.

You sound like me a few weeks ago op. Late 30s too. I was always snappy and irritated....I've been signed off with stress and put on antidepressants. It's been a horrendous year at work for me. It's what I desperately needed. I feel guilty, but I can't help what the past 18 months - 2 years have done to my mental health. Would you consider this?

Also sounds to me that you are shouldering a lot of pressure.

Go easy on yourself.
You sound very normal.

None of us has an infinite capacity for stress, OP.

We can all cope with a certain amount, like carrying a bucket that’s a quarter or half full, but if it continues to fill up, it becomes heavier and more difficult to carry until it inevitably starts overflowing. Your bucket is overflowing.

You’re not a bad or horrible person, you’re just at the limits of what you can cope with. I’ve been in your shoes and behaved in exactly the same way and had exactly the same negative thoughts and feelings about myself.

IME counselling or therapy is enormously helpful (if you can’t afford it there’s a lot of free stuff you can access online), as is exercise. The Stress Solution by Dr Rangan Chaterjee has some useful stuff in it. And definitely tell your DH how you’re feeling if you haven’t already.

You’ve had loads of great advice and suggestions here - I hope you start feeling better about everything soon.

I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope
-that isn't being horrible, that's telling him how you feel. Does he make you feel bad about sharing your feelings?
I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent)
-ttbh, this is really annoying, and I hate it when this sort of thing happens - it's feels really disrespectful. I know I put a lot of time and energy into preparing food and making sure it is all hot at the same time, and if someone ignores your efforts it can feel like a slap in the face.

I think you do sound stressed, and touched out, and coping with a DH with Covid so you have to do everything is too much. You will probably catch it yourself, so be nice to him now so that he can repay the favour!
It sounds as if he is not acknowledging that you are struggling to cope. Now is probably not the time, but when he is better, can you have a proper discussion? Is there anything he could do to help? It sounds like you need to be heard.

It sounds like this is situational.

Please, as someone said, don't rush into Sertraline.
There are side effects potentially.

This is my view on it, and I won't be offended if you don't agree.

I feel it can be really hard as a mum to honour your own needs.

Sometimes doing something 'for yourself' can feel like just another job to do.

I don't think you are an awful person. At all.
As others have said just think you are stressed.

Start small, and reclaim something for yourself.
It is all very well for some to say 'go and take a bubble bath' etc, but with a youngish child not so easy to do with them knocking on the door etc.

So, if you had choices, how would you want to live life?

Is it feasible for you to go away for the weekend for yourself. By yourself?

Can you get some help in?

Even someone to clean the oven (the worst job, I find) could be helpful even if you can't find a regular cleaner.

Do you have 'an escape route' when things get really tough or when you are very stressed?

MIne is a small cafe that I know. I get in a taxi and go.

I sit there, and it is the only, only time that someone serves me up a meal I can have a grown up lightweight conversation and don't have to wash up afterwards....

Get the jist. That kind of thing...

Please don't view it as your fault. Just you are too stressed and need to carve out more space for yourself.

I have been feeling a lot like this and like you, I suspect it is down to my job and the sheer exhaustion of it all.
Things that seem to be helping me:

1. Cutting my hours even just an extra day at home has made a massive difference. It means I’m ready for the weekend/kids and more in control of home-related admin stuff,

2. refuse to put up with other people’s work-related crap because it is so much easier to stick on a smile at work and then blow up at home when you are in your safe space. If this is an issue, make a point of dealing with work nonsense there and then so it doesn’t follow you home. Learn to say no and don’t feel bad. Visualise your family when you do this if it helps.

3. Just started at john’s wart supplements- feeling better but not sure if this is because of the other changes that I have made or the supplements.

4. Most importantly, think about the person you want to be and when you are at your most happiest regularly throughout the day, let this guide the decisions that you make and your interactions instead of being reactive. I have found this really crucial in managing my relationships.

5. Recognise and apologise to the people who matter the most to you. Start hugging and holding hands more. It is surprising how much teens need this. Everybody needs reassurance and comfort, including you.

And, I've been there with joint meals and cooking food.
Many a time I've wanted it to be a lovely experience and sit down together at a table peacefully etc.

But I came to the poinnt with my little family where I've actually let that go for a while and came to the conclusion that it was better not to force it and perhaps right now we are better with grazing in the kitchen, or even a tin of beans on toast, or getting our own stuff.

particularly with young children the expectation that you can all sit and stay around a table, or even with your DH may be too much.

Again, how about a date night once week? Babysitter? At least then you don't need to make food or wash up? These things although not cheap )but can be made cheap...with vouchers etc...

are very worth doing to keep relationships going...out of the house..out of the pressures of constantly being distracted.

@Etinoxaurus

You have a lot on your plate. Fake it until you make it. Imagine you’re being filmed when you come down and the cats there and consciously bite your tongue when DH faffs instead of eating. And tell DH you’re struggling.

Oh my gosh!!

This is my trick! I imagine I’m on some kind of documentary. So I can’t be a bitch.

Ha. How weird.

People that are genuinely not ‘nice’ people wouldn’t even acknowledge that some of their behaviour is a bit off/uncaring. Like others have said you sound stressed, not like a bad person.

I haven’t read all of the replies yet OP, but the word that really stood out to me in your OP was ‘anxiety’. I have a long-running relationship with anxiety, on and off over the decades. When I am at my most anxious, I become agitated and impatient; like there’s just a low level anger bubbling away most of the time. It sucks. Is anxiety something you are treating or planning to treat? Whether through self-care, talking therapies or medication or a combination thereof.

Apologies if you mentioned this in subsequent posts- I’m off to read the rest of the thread.

I see you have some Sertraline. I have been on them at various points over the last 15 years or so, and they’ve been brilliant for me when I’ve needed them. Other things have also helped along the way: exercise has been a lifesaver at times for example. Hope things get better.

I feel the same quite a few days a week. When I find myself wanting to say shut up to my (young) kids, I now take myself off to bed early and leave DH to put them to bed. It’s better for me to walk away and say I’m not feeling well before snapping and shouting (which I have previously done). The triggers for me are stress and extreme tiredness.
I have no patience for being around sick adults either though when my kids are sick, I have endless patience.
You sound very stressed OP. Early nights and a break from the normal routine ie meet a friend, take a day off, do something you like doing - when your DH is feeling better.

@Beaconoflight. Really related to you post, do you use guided meditation or did you start using it, if you don't now? Any recommendations? TIA

@BELLAARA the medication I do is Transcendental Medication, look it up for more details. I paid to learn it and was given a mantra. I found it easier to meditate with a mantra after trying without it.

Hi Op, are you on any hormonal contraception? I used to feel exactly how you described and even went to the doctors about it (they didnt really do anything). Anyway, when I came off my contraception, after about 2 weeks I felt like a completely new person. Small things no longer irritate me. I feel happier, more patient, less tired. The list goes on! I never want to take anything that will impact my hormones again.

Honestly OP I find when my mental health is bad I too can be a very much less pleasant person.

It makes you very short fused as even the most basic tasks seem to take gargantuan effort and every little thing that happens can seem like the end of the world.

Get to your GP and discuss things - there may be something going on and they are the best to help you figure that out

Afterwards start small. Tell your partner you appreciate them, hug your cats and tell yourself how lucky you are to have them, tell the kids you are proud of what they achieved today.

It all builds up, and you can transform your behaviour, but first things first, get on top of your mental health and stress levels

It sounds like stress. Or maybe needing anti depressants to help with low serotonin levels. I don't think it's because you are a bad person. Lots of people can relate to being like this when stressed or low mood and in need or meds.