I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

Ps not minimising that you could be causing damage to your relationship if you don't get yourself sorted out.
But visit GP, get help
And also try to work on any damage done to relationships although once you sort your stress out you should improve in interacting anyway. Stay away from too much the times you can't handle it. Easier said than done. Or try not to verbalise negative feelings etc better to say nothing at all at such times.

And finally...
Pps
Sertraline work well if it's going to work for you. Give them a go and see.
Good luck.

Unfortunately women do get the sh*tty end of life, we seem to have a lot more to cope with men…
I don’t think you’re a horrible person, I think you’re someone with too much to do. People should help you more!
Be kinder on yourself and try take a bit of time out for yourself xX

@Feelingofftoday

Not saying you shouldn't take anti depressants, they can be helpful, but imho they are handed out like sweeties to women for all kinds of things

Comments like this are unhelpful. Sertraline is really good for anxiety as well as depression and a low dose will help. Trying to struggle through life can lead to feelings of helplessness and even suicide. Please think carefully before making throwaway comments as MH ans suicide is becoming the biggest killer in women aged 40-50.

Wine. A bottle of wine, every evening you feel shitty

@Mollymoostoo
Not a throwaway comment, experience

Not saying don't take them, saying it may not be the answer

Ask why women 40-50 are suffering?

Because docs are handing out ADs instead of investigating eg peri menopause

ADs may be the answer here but then again, they may not.

My GP whipping out the prescription pad two minutes in to a consultation and prescribing ADs with a bored look on their face doesn't fill me with confidence

Again, not saying don't take them ever just think carefully before you do!

It's called an alternative opinion, I'm allowed to have one and it's not unhelpful

You sound like you are overworked. It is normal to be angry and snappy when overworked. I had a similar situation. I was stressed out at work and now finally lucky enough to have made financial arrangements to leave the job, never felt better (I worked for over 10 years in the same job until I realized though) I did Kundalini yoga at the time which helped me relax. This type of yoga mainly focuses on breathing and I found it de-stressed me. I do videos by a yoga teacher called Maya Fiennes.

OP consider downloading the CALM app and paying the £28 for the full version. (I thought ‘oh I’ll make do with the free version’ and then re-thought.. no I am worth £28- especially if it’s going to make me feel better- and so are you OP.

And it does! I’ve never been one for meditation in the past. But for ten minutes a day (another thing I tell myself I am worth.. even if I do it before I fall asleep) I do the meditations. My favourite are those by a bloke called Jeff. It’s very casual and sensible and not at all woo.. and it actually, eventually started make me feel better during the day and dealing with stresses.. and irritations.. in a better way that feels less detrimental to me and my loved ones. There are also lovely tunes and sounds to fall asleep to.

Worth a go OP.

Ps.. you aren’t a horrible person. If you were you wouldn’t be thinking these thoughts … you wouldn’t care. And re DH.. try to notice what he does right instead of the things he does “wrong” and make sure you tell him. Makes a lot of different to how you feel about each other

OP. You aren't a bad person, you are stressed.

Honestly, therapy will change your life.

I don't think you're a bad person OP, but maybe you should consider a career/job change. Whatever you're doing at work is stressing you out and it's spilling over into your home life.🙂

@Aquamarine1029

Peri-menopause?

My very first thought.

@shitsunday

I did go to the GP last week. They weren’t particularly helpful but did prescribe a course of sertraline, which I’ve collected from the chemist but haven’t started taking yet.

Reading through all your replies and OP I just feel a stressed mom, wife who is working and has too much on.

Your beating yourself up for not being perfect. None of us are. OK you have spotted some behaviours you don't like in yourself lately. That's a good thing. Not a bad thing. That doesn't mean your not s nice person.

There is a little bit of good in the worst of us and a little bit of bad in the best of us" as the old saying goes.

The Dr given you those tablets for a reason. If you were told you had type 2 diabetes you wouldn't not take the meds. You haven't started yours is the same example. You need too.

I wonder if you have experienced some earlier life issues that make you so down on yourself?

Perhaps taking these meds, getting some counselling/CBT and having a good chat with your husband is the best start.

Communication is always the key we all need to work on. We are all hard on ourselves especially us mom's.

It seems you need to find some self care for you. Talk with your husband about his birthday and ask him what you can do to makes amends? Maybe a nice weekend for 2 away.

There doesn't sound any time for you in your life which is making you stressed.

How do I know? Been there done it and got the T-shirt and learnt how to change which also includes caring for myself in this.

It's possible you aren't doing anything for yourself and unconsciously not doing for your husband because of this is your way of showing your own hurt

Regarding your children I don't think there is a parent alive who hasn't thought or said what you mumbled.

Chuck that wooden spoon away your beating yourself up with all the time 🫂🤗🫂

You have depression . Ignore those on here who say don’t take it - just like you take an antibiotic when required , sertraline has been prescribed to help you. And it will, i read your initial post and that was me a year ago. Sertraline has helped me get back to being me x

You've taken the first step by realising that you have some flaws (as does everyone and if they say they don't they're lying)

Think before you act. Think before you speak. Ask yourself if you would want to be treated the way you are treating others and act upon that answer.

Ask work for help if its stressful there should be something that they can do.

Organise a late 40th something for your OH

Take 10 minutes to breathe and unwind before you head downstairs to be attacked by the cat

• tell your OH that you can do the chores together after you've eaten together

When the children are being whiny I find it best to say rewind out loud and count down from 10 in your head

Deep down it sounds like you have a lot on my plate and there's a lot of stress so maybe try a relaxation app. I have an app called moshi twilight for my son but it has helped me relax too. Exercise is a really good stress buster too. But just take some time for yourself every so often

@AnneLovesGilbert what planet are you on? She hasn't shaved the cat or throw her husband food on his head. She irritable and stressed, telling someone off rarely works.

@shitsunday

Peri-menopause?

I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse - I’m “only” in my late 30s! And have always been an anxious, stressy cow to be honest. I’ve definitely got worse as I’ve got older though.

I have explained to DH that I feel stressed a lot of the time and he does his best to help - taking over my share of the chores to give me an extra bit of chill-out time at weekends for example. But ultimately he says it’s down to me to put the effort in and try to see the positives and the best in things, and that’s how most people get through life. I know he’s right.

I was going to say perimenopause too. I went into mine in my late 30s as did my mum. Mum was completely menopausal by 42 mine was exacerbated by hysterectomy by 39.

Even if you aren't the feelings you describe are a sign of stress/depression too. You need some time to yourself first. Can you get help with the work issues?

Maybe a trip to GP will help or you could seek counselling first?

@brittleheadgirl

I'm amazed at some of the responses.

Would they be the same if op was a man?
How would we feel if it was a 'dw' in bed with covid not being treated particularly kindly and being snapped at?

Is this a joke? Abusive, lazy, sexist, useless pricks are robustly defended on here all the time, by women.

OP has posted about her irritation to irritating things and has been told her husband will leave her, she's been diagnosed with depression and told she seems like a horrible person. What a load of absolute bollocks.

As gently as possible... it sort of seems like you don't want to be with your DH?
I was a right grumpy cow with my ex, turned out we were just stuck in a miserable relationship. Get on great now.

I could have written all of that myself , honest I’m totally the same! I am
Gonna read the replies see if they help. As I can’t really stand me , so no advise just wanted you know your not alone x

You are stressed out and need a break. It’s great you’ve recognized this though and now you can fix it and rekindle your joy fir life - but you need a break and to breathe first xx

I started feeling like this around 37/38. I've always been a bit short tempered and prone to PMT, but it all got so much worse. Irritated by everything, little empathy for anyone else...in short I was just angry all the time.

I then had an unexpected pregnancy at 41 and felt sooo much better. That made me realise that something hormonal had been going on.

3rd child born and return of cycle about 2 years later and it all came back. But with the break in between I was able to see that being angry and irritable all the time wasn't me.

Got HRT at 45 and in short it's like turning back into me from 10 years ago.

Looking back now, I think I was suffering from the falling hormone levels for about 10 years...

I knew it wasn't depression; I wasn't anhedonic, I had a good appetite...but so much irritability and the quality of my sleep was very poor. I can see how the two get confused.

Well done for taking note of how you feel and wanting to make a change. I’ve dropped a couple of good friends for their grumpy, bitchy and unpleasant manner. (After trying for years to help).

Lots of good advice in the replies here.

Don’t let your DH birthday pass with him feeling the way he does. Make it up to him and don’t leave it to long.

Hope you feel better soon.

I agree with pennysays - my mother was super stressed and a terror to her children, always moaning, sniping at us and making us walk on eggshells. She is off the scale now! But although I've obviously picked up quite a lot of the stress as well I make a huge conscious effort to try to take big breaths and see it for what it usually is - my stuff not other people's. I urge you to think about how and when this behaviour happens and to take steps to help calm yourself down while you can. Personally, I also think seroxats are helpful for getting over the low part of depression when it can be hard to help yourself.

For me, id try steps to be more positive outlook and when it's little details that's annoying,.is try not to dwell on them and see the bigger picture.

Start the antidepressants, you wont know if they help until you try at the very least they may clear your thinking so you can get some perspective.