Being told to smile at work

[SmileSmiley]

I have worked as a solicitor since 2008. I work in house for a local authority and generally love my job.

I went to a meeting yesterday and the first thing my client told me was to smile. He then told me that he’d been to a meeting the week before with an external solicitor who greeted him with a ‘lovely big smile’. He then asked why I couldn’t be the same.

I was too shocked to respond. I work in a team with my DP who is also a solicitor - this client has never told him to smile or compared him to a male solicitor.

I have a resting sad face and even when I smile I don’t look particularly happy. However, I am fed up of how I look being deemed to be relevant to how I do my job.

I want to raise this with the client but I know he is going to brush me off as being over sensitive. Should I just leave it this time and have a snappy response prepared for the next time?

God I absolutely hate this.makes my blood boil!
How about....
"Should we all add 'smile at all times' to our job spec or just the women?

Thanks to you all. I am going to just leave it this time but I love some of the ideas for replies if it happens again.

Also, @Megalameg - are you ok?! I didn’t act like a sourpuss. You have made an awful lot of assumptions. Serious question- what makes you think I acted ‘like a bitch’?

A (very confident) colleague of mine dealt with a situation like this by drawing the man aside at the end and asking for a quick word, ‘ Martin, I just wanted to sound a quick note of caution because we’ve always got on … you know how PC everything is around here now…well you remember what happened to poor Dave… it’s not a good idea to tell women to smile at work anymore… now I appreciate what you were trying to do in my case..I do have a bit of a resting bitch face don’t I.. ha ..ha.. but you know all it takes is for some woman to speak to HR and if they establish that you don’t say the same to the boys…well….’

I wish I had! I did speak to his manager today who is going to have a conversation with him about appropriate behaviour.

Knowing her, I’m in doubt that she managed to convey the implied threat

@Megalameg

‘You can’t just act like a bitch’

Looking to wind the OP up with a completely inflammatory, sexist and bizarre comment?

@EvelynBeatrice

A (very confident) colleague of mine dealt with a situation like this by drawing the man aside at the end and asking for a quick word, ‘ Martin, I just wanted to sound a quick note of caution because we’ve always got on … you know how PC everything is around here now…well you remember what happened to poor Dave… it’s not a good idea to tell women to smile at work anymore… now I appreciate what you were trying to do in my case..I do have a bit of a resting bitch face don’t I.. ha ..ha.. but you know all it takes is for some woman to speak to HR and if they establish that you don’t say the same to the boys…well….’

Not confident not to put the blame onto women though?

I mean… it’s hard to tackle head on and I’m not saying I’d have done any better. But I wouldn’t have said that was a show of confidence.

If a man said that to me right now, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from replying, "I've had 2 hours sleep. You fucking smile."

@SoniaFouler

I sort of agree with you except

I have a resting sad face and even when I smile I don’t look particularly happy. However, I am fed up of how I look being deemed to be relevant to how I do my job.

It is relevant to how you do (some) jobs. A smile goes a long way, especially in client meetings. Not a big beaming and fake smile but if someone is sitting there looking sad it might give a wrong impression, especially if they are quiet too

But this is never applied to men. No male client tells a man to smile. It’s pure sexism.

This would never be said to a male in your role. It's so depressing.

Had this too. From men. Its bloody annoying to put it politely.

I have never told a man to smile and most of them are grumpy bastards.

I still haven't come up with a way of dealing with it properly although it happens much less now than when I was younger.

I don't know but if a meeting comes up again with him and he talks of having to go see so and so tell him to make sure he smiles as men just love it when other people smile at them.

[quote dropitlikeitsloth]This is hilarious!!

[/quote] This is hilarious!

To OP. He was out of order. Totally trying to deprofessionalise and undermine you doing your job.

I love that YouTube clip!

You could also do caci or something like that which changes your face muscles and makes you more smiley and also could raise your brow.

If you did a broad grin and held it for 3 minutes a few times a day (in private!) your face muscles would change and your face would naturally be more smiley

Being 6 ft 1 you could be really elegant

It is up to you, though. How magnanimous.

For Fuck's Sake.

"I'll note that in the minutes.
Is your request for 'more big smiles' an action for all of us or anyone in particular?"

@Megalameg

Maybe you should smile if you do think you look grumpy. Most people act happy when exchanging pleasantries before a meeting. I don’t care if it’s a man or woman nobody likes a sourpuss.

In your rush to see sexism don’t forget part of most client based jobs is personal interaction. You can’t just act like a bitch and then be like, “well whoever doesn’t like this is sexist”. A smile is simple courtesy.

Please do point out where the OP acted like a bitch. A smile is simple courtesy. please point out where in the post that says 'I did greet him appropriately. I smiled, said good morning and asked how he was.' the OP indicates that she did not smile.

I look forward to your response.

There's something quite aggressive when men order women to smile for them.
I hate it and have always responded with "no".

@Suzi888

I don’t think he would have said that to a male colleague? I’d ignore it, what’s he going to do? report you for not smiling.

Don''t believe that, He won't report you for not smiling but I've met a fair number who tell both male and female to smile. Usually goes with 'can't be that bad'.

I’m not saying you acted like a bitch OP, sorry if it came off that way, it was just a general comment that if you forego pleasantries or generally have an unfriendly vibe people will pass comment (whether they should or not) if your dealing with them on an interpersonal basis. I’d say people skills are part of your job if your having meetings. I don’t know how you come off - I’m just saying you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Could smiling more really be bad for your work?

From the other side I have a resting smiley face - and I have been told to stop smirking (I'm not - just my face) and be a bit more serious 🤷🏼‍♀️

Evelyn - I don't think many would hear a threat there

Meg "Could smiling more really be bad for your work?"

It will probably attract more numpties. I have the opposite of resting bitch face, apparently I have "tell me all your woes" face. I work on maintaining a "too busy, use fewer words" face.

megalameg
Only one person here 'acting like a bitch'
And it ain't smilesmiley.

Intermittentparps Correct she didn’t. I assumed Teams as we are still wfh and she said waiting to join but my view same in person or on teams.
I’ve swapped from private practice to LA and it’s very different.
If Mrs X came in about her will you wouldn’t just sit there unsmiling waiting for someone else to join meeting, she’s a client you’d smile and make polite chit chat. Just because it’s Brian from highways you should treat as client.
Of course he might be a sexist idiot.
But it might have been a clumsy way of him really noticing difference in treatment. Only OP knows if she would have treated an external client same way.

@shouldistop

There's something quite aggressive when men order women to smile for them. I hate it and have always responded with "no".

It is aggressive isn't it?

I normally roll my eyes because they can't report that to HR

However, I got told off for smiling recently in a bank (!) and
I did well handling that. Maybe it's getting older.