Being told to smile at work

[SmileSmiley]

I have worked as a solicitor since 2008. I work in house for a local authority and generally love my job.

I went to a meeting yesterday and the first thing my client told me was to smile. He then told me that he’d been to a meeting the week before with an external solicitor who greeted him with a ‘lovely big smile’. He then asked why I couldn’t be the same.

I was too shocked to respond. I work in a team with my DP who is also a solicitor - this client has never told him to smile or compared him to a male solicitor.

I have a resting sad face and even when I smile I don’t look particularly happy. However, I am fed up of how I look being deemed to be relevant to how I do my job.

I want to raise this with the client but I know he is going to brush me off as being over sensitive. Should I just leave it this time and have a snappy response prepared for the next time?

@SmileSmiley your ability is all that matters. Your appearance does not matter a jot.

Your boss is a twat

Agree that he sounds like a sexist twat.
As long as you smile and say hello at first greeting, you have a job to get on with, not sit there leering at him like a cheshire cat or a paid for lap dancer.
I wouldn't worry about it - but if you have an ongoing series of meetings with him over a particular case, if it happens again, I'd go with the "shall we get on" type of response - but report both instances to HR.
He is a prat, and if he is doing this to you as a senior employee, he no doubt thinks he is entitled to behave in this way with all female staff.

@Butchyrestingface

Resting murderous face has made me howl! I know that's what is going to happen to mine!

I find that women say this to me too. I had a school mum in the playground asking me in a concerned voice if "everything was ok?" As apparently I looked quite upset the previous day walking back to my car?! I had no idea what she was talking about! I just said "I'm fine, it's just my face"

@SmileSmiley

I don’t think people understand that this is literally my face. When my face is neutral I look ANGRY.

I mean I’m not going to do myself any favours here but I’m 6ft1, slightly overweight, my brow overhangs so I look like I’m frowning, my lips point downwards and my nostrils are naturally flared. To arrange my expression into anything other than this is actually hard work and I can only maintain it for a little while before my muscles in my face start to shake. I’m always very pleasant though. I have also adopted a quieter voice so I don’t sound intimidating because that’s not my aim. But literally throughout my life men (and it has never been a woman) have told me to smile and say it might never happen. I am fed up with feeling like I’m not good enough because I look like I do. 😩😢

Honestly, it's not about you or your face.

I had it *all" the time when I was younger and perkier.

My face is far more stern and droopy in rest mode these days and I don't think I've had such a comment in many years.

It's not you, it's him

@LolaSmiles

I think smiling goes a long way in the workplace. If you have resting sad face and are fed up then that will come across to clients.

He sounds like a patronising git in the way he spoke to you, but I do think coming across as personable and like you want to be engaged in the meeting goes a long way in most workplaces.

Please. The OP has never had this from another woman. I also have never been told to smile (and the even more infuriating adjunct 'it might never happen') by anyone other than men. It is sexist and misogynistic.

OP, I'd go to HR. It is discriminatory.

IntermittentParps
That's why I said he was a patronising git for the way he spoke to the OP.

I'd never tell anyone in the workplace to smile (because I'm not an arsehole), but do think some people arrive to every meeting looking like thry don't want to be there and don't come across very personable. The idea that some people just can't help but look miserable is a cop out in my opinion.

God I hate when men say this- do they say it to other men? It’s like women’s default has to be smiley and sweet as pie. Bollocks to that.

It’s also super creepy IMO

I was once leaving a women’s ward in hospital after a colonoscopy/lletz procedure which was decidedly unpleasant, wondering if the results would be clear or if I had cancer. Whilst waiting for a lift some twattish man told me to ‘smile- it’s not that bad’. How do you know?! And what a place to say that…the mind boggles.

Have a look at the ‘Cheer up luv’ account and keep a pair of plastic vampire teeth in your bag for the next time…

This is BS. Apart from being obviously sexist, it is disrespectful. Anyone struggling to understand how, imagine if the roles were reversed. Can you imagine a woman saying that to a man?

I agree though that it's best to ignore or act like it's a bit embarrassing for him and then be confident and don't let him make you feel lesser or self conscious.

@ffloogalBoom I think I’d take ‘is everything ok’ slightly differently to being directed to ‘smile’

Love your response though

The idea that some people just can't help but look miserable is a cop out in my opinion.
That's a very ignorant thing to say, considering that the OP has explained very clearly why she looks/comes across like she does.

When she arrived she smiled, said good morning and asked how he was. I do not see how that means she doesn't come across as personable or like she wanted to be engaged in the meeting.

I work in similar role. I can see both sides. My clients are in house now and It’s easy to view as colleagues rather than clients.
With a client you’d probably be more smiley, make more effort with appearance etc. Whereas if you are in a jumper at home and don’t even look pleased to see him eg giving off vibe you don’t want to help him it creates a bad impression.
It’s probably badly put on his part but if you delve deeper it could be when I was getting advice from external solicitor she looked happy to assist, when I get advice from op she looks like she can’t be bothered. ‘Smile’ is a badly put way of expressing it.
Maybe go back to treating how you would treat a client in person. It’s sort of like job interview always a bit more smiley and chipper for first few minutes.

@Insomniacexpress
She even put a hand on my shoulder whilst saying it so I must have looked really down in the dumps!

@Butchyrestingface

Over the years, my resting bitch face has evolved into a resting murderous face so I no longer have to put up with this shite.

Is your client a member of Joe Public or does he represent a company you can raise this with?

Love it! 😂

He's really fxxking rude.

He wouldn't say that to a man.

He said it to you because he thought he can.

I think a heads up to HR that whilst you are well able for him, you could see a legitimate complaint being made by someone who would have every right to take offence.

I certainly don't smile to order so would eye ball him with a vicious expression.

He's really rude and a CF that needs it pointed out to him.

@Dixiechickonhols

I work in similar role. I can see both sides. My clients are in house now and It’s easy to view as colleagues rather than clients. With a client you’d probably be more smiley, make more effort with appearance etc. Whereas if you are in a jumper at home and don’t even look pleased to see him eg giving off vibe you don’t want to help him it creates a bad impression. It’s probably badly put on his part but if you delve deeper it could be when I was getting advice from external solicitor she looked happy to assist, when I get advice from op she looks like she can’t be bothered. ‘Smile’ is a badly put way of expressing it. Maybe go back to treating how you would treat a client in person. It’s sort of like job interview always a bit more smiley and chipper for first few minutes.

I don't think the OP has said they DIDN'T meet in person.

And where did you get the idea that she didn't 'even look pleased to see him'? She says,
'I smiled, said good morning and asked how he was.'

@SmileSmiley

I don’t think people understand that this is literally my face. When my face is neutral I look ANGRY.

I mean I’m not going to do myself any favours here but I’m 6ft1, slightly overweight, my brow overhangs so I look like I’m frowning, my lips point downwards and my nostrils are naturally flared. To arrange my expression into anything other than this is actually hard work and I can only maintain it for a little while before my muscles in my face start to shake. I’m always very pleasant though. I have also adopted a quieter voice so I don’t sound intimidating because that’s not my aim. But literally throughout my life men (and it has never been a woman) have told me to smile and say it might never happen. I am fed up with feeling like I’m not good enough because I look like I do. 😩😢

I get this, I hate being told to smile

What the hell has it got to do with anyone, no one knows what’s going on in peoples lives

Now I just try an embarrass them

Them: you need to smile
Me: sorry but my xxx died yesterday I don’t feel like smiling

Them: you need to smile
Me: why ?

Them: you need to smile
Me: I only smile when I feel happy

He’ll be asking you to wear a short skirt and more make up next.

That is disgusting actually. He would never say this to a man!

That's a very ignorant thing to say, considering that the OP has explained very clearly why she looks/comes across like she does.
When she arrived she smiled, said good morning and asked how he was. I do not see how that means she doesn't come across as personable or like she wanted to be engaged in the meeting

I'm not defending him being a git and telling her to smile.

I'm just also of the view that when working with people being personable goes a long way, helps with professional relationship and doesn't have to be insincere over the top smiley-ness. Like it or not, how we present to people in the workplace affects how we are viewed.

This is awful. It's not part of your job to be a smiling loon.

And if he wouldn't say the same thing to a man (which he clearly wouldn't) then it's obviously sexist to say it to you, by definition.

Next time you meet him, have some pre-prepared responses if he pulls any of that shit again. He probably doesn't like having to get advice from a woman. If she's all smiley, then he can convinced himself she's there to serve him rather than that she knows more than him!

Arse.

You probably intimidate him as you are tall and imposing by the sound of it. Silly little boy. I’d feel like saying next time you meet something along the lines of ‘I must apologise if I intimidate you. [frosty, head tilt smile]. Shall we get down to business.’ Tosser. But I haven’t worked in an office for years. So this is purely fantasy…

@crackofdoom

Raised eyebrow

“I’m sorry?”

Paddington Bear stare

This would be my response too. Honestly, what an arse. I'd make a note and if he repeats this kind of nonsense I would raise it with your own manager first. Chances are you will not be the only woman he treats like this. If a male colleague asked me to smile I think I might be tempted to point out it's not 1950 anymore. We're not here to be decorative.

I would either ignore or just ask "why?" very neutrally.

I'm not defending him being a git and telling her to smile.
I haven't said you were.

I'm just also of the view that when working with people being personable goes a long way, helps with professional relationship and doesn't have to be insincere over the top smiley-ness. Like it or not, how we present to people in the workplace affects how we are viewed.
Thank you for this patronising explanation, but (as I've said already), it doesn't sound at all as if the OP wasn't being personable – she smiled at the client, said good morning and asked how he was.
It's also interesting that you think it 'doesn't have to be insincere over the top smiley-ness'. I think that's the OP's point too.