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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel sad about my lack of effort proposal?

133 replies

Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:01

Even though it was 17 years ago!
DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time.
I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.
The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me.
Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 12/11/2021 07:03

I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.

I think this is the problem and the other things you mention were early signs.

How does he not make effort? Do you feel loved and supported?

HugeAckmansWife · 12/11/2021 07:04

So why stay? You're 38. I was divorced twice by 40 and am v happy now a few years on. YANBU to feel however you feel but DO something about it. Or wool you post again at 55 saying you wasted your life?

Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:06

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.
I don’t mean with the grand gestures though, I mean overall generally. He doesn’t make much effort.

OP posts:
inininsomnia · 12/11/2021 07:07

Not unreasonable as it's typical of the limited effort he makes. The more important issue though is - how much more of your life do you want to spend in this lacklustre marriage?

Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:08

At the time I had really low self esteem and was just grateful anyone wanted to marry me!

OP posts:
Knownbyanothername · 12/11/2021 07:11

I

torquewench · 12/11/2021 07:13

I know someone who's proposal was along the lines of " yeah so you know the vicar I spoke to today about doing Dads funeral, I've asked him if he can marry us too". She's still with him Confused

Knownbyanothername · 12/11/2021 07:15

We had something similar- no dramatic proposal, just an agreement to get married.
We’ve been happily married over 20 years.
It’s not about the proposal, it’s about the people in the partnership.

Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:15

That’s even worse!
I didn’t want a load of money thrown at it or anything but a bit more effort would have been nice. DH had been engaged before. Maybe he used all his effort up the first time around?!

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/11/2021 07:15

I think you should focus on the crap 17 years not the crap proposal

Fernando072020 · 12/11/2021 07:17

That sounds dreadful. Why don't you leave?

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 12/11/2021 07:18

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

I think you should focus on the crap 17 years not the crap proposal
Yes, this.
RampantIvy · 12/11/2021 07:18

When DH asked me to marry him there were no grand gestures, but I wasn't bothered because he isn't a grand gesture type of person.

We celebrated our ruby wedding anniversary this year.

If you are unhappy with your DH why do you stay together?

Brefugee · 12/11/2021 07:18

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.
I don’t mean with the grand gestures though, I mean overall generally. He doesn’t make much effort.

you have indicated over the years that you are ok with his lack of effort, which is not restricted to men since it is not determined by sex. Or gender.

What do you want out of life? Make a list and get on it, small things at first and building up to the big ones.

(also: if you want a grand gesture proposal why not propose yourself? that's also not a job that you can only do if you have a specific organisation of chromosomes)

You deserve to be happy, OP, don't let him get in your way for that.

MattHancocksSexTape · 12/11/2021 07:19

but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.

That’s generalised and quite sexist bullshit. I know plenty of men who make effort, and plenty of women who don’t.

DrSbaitso · 12/11/2021 07:20

@Rainbowinabasket

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women. I don’t mean with the grand gestures though, I mean overall generally. He doesn’t make much effort.
No, they aren't the same as women, but plenty of them make their wives feel loved and supported. Does yours?
SoupDragon · 12/11/2021 07:20

I've just listened to a pod cast about this oddly enough. Tom Davies and Ramesh Ranganathan were talking about how they proposed to their wives and both had different views. Tom did a full bells and whistles proposal (which he said was incredibly stressful and caused h I'm great anxiety) and Rome's just basically said to his then girlfriend "Marry me" whilst on the sofa one evening. Both thought the other's proposal was the better one. Tom said that Romesh's one was more meaningful s it came out of the blue and straight from the heart.

That s said though, I agree with poster who said the problem isn't the proposal it's the marriage that came after. You can't fix the proposal but you can fix the marriage one way or another.

HugeAckmansWife · 12/11/2021 07:20

My first husband did the most perfect proposal. I won't give details but it was effortful, at home, not a generic 'romantic' location and genuinely lovely. My second wasn't quite as good but equally there was planning and thought. Neither marriage lasted though. Look, you either shrug and decide to stick with your 'meh' marriage or realise you are worth more than this and become an agent for your own life and happiness. It's not just men being a bit rubbish. It's him and you and you can change things if you want to.

Suprima · 12/11/2021 07:21

@Rainbowinabasket

Even though it was 17 years ago! DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’ We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time. I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort. The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me. Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!
People will tell you that it was ‘just a proposal’ and to think of the marriage- but as you have said, it’s been a pretty lacklustre affair for 17 years.

I don’t think you are wrong in saying it was an indicator. All of the men I know who did lazy proposals are bumbling ‘what are men like!!’ lazy fuckers as husbands too.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2021 07:21

Why do you stay with him?

(You seem to be one of the millions upon billions of women who stay in miserable marriages, for no real reason other than the stigma of being single).

nonevernotever · 12/11/2021 07:21

It's not the proposal though,is it? If everything else was going well I don't think you would still be stressing about the proposal. My only caveat is to wonder what it is that you feel is missing? Is it day to day partnership or is it big insta worthy gestures? My DH will never be one for public declaration s/ fancy gifts/etc has never bought me jewellery and our proposal was nonexistent but is absolutely there for me and with me in tackling whatever life throws at us. I've come to terms with the fact that he will never surprise me with a beautifully wrapped present (and that he's quite happy for me to choose and buy my own ) because to me kindness and humour are far more important.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 07:24

It’s seventeen years now op and you are choosing to stay with him, you chose to marry him. Take some personal responsibility for your own decisions and life choices. This isn’t about him. This is about you being a passenger in your own life.

Stewing over something seventeen years ago whilst just plodding along and going with it, but blaming him, with no intention to leave is really a sad way to live.

MimiDaisy11 · 12/11/2021 07:27

I’m not sure there’s a correlation between fancy proposals and happy marriages. Though I would say that as I basically proposed by asking if we should get married 😂. But seriously I know so many bad relationships where the husband might do those superficial things like surprising the partner with flowers/chocolates but in general they don’t pull their weight etc. So in your case it’s more a problem of what came after.

Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:28

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his.
I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!

OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 12/11/2021 07:28

Then leave? Do it as amicably and practically as you can.
I have a very similar situation here and didn't act on it and it makes me feel sad and feel lonely every day. On bad days like today very sad. He's not horrid or abusive, just not involved. We have very different expectations I suppose.
He won't change, you won't change and it won't get better. Its an awful example to your kids (if you have any) of what a loving relationship looks like.
I'm over 50 now and should have gone years ago. Flowers