To still feel sad about my lack of effort proposal?

[Rainbowinabasket]

Even though it was 17 years ago!
DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time.
I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.
The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me.
Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!

@Rainbowinabasket

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women. I don’t mean with the grand gestures though, I mean overall generally. He doesn’t make much effort.

Most men make an effort for the woman they care about.

My DH didn't do a grand proposal (it was just a low-key conversation between us), but he makes effort where it matters.

Life is far too short to stay with someone who makes you unhappy and doesn't give a shit about you.

I don't think big showy proposals are necessary and don't really understand why they have become such a thing.

My now DH proposed to me 41 years ago and those sorts of proposals weren't common at all.

His wasn't romantic in the slightest. We are sitting on the settee at his parents' house and he just said "shall we get married".

Just because his proposal wasn't romantic doesn't mean he hasn't been throughout our marriage. He is a very caring and kind person and we have been very happily married for 41 years.

He works full time and I don't work at all but he still does quite a lot of housework and more than his fair share of cooking.

I don't think a proposal necessarily has any bearing on how someone will be within a marriage

I don't think a proposal necessarily has any bearing on how someone will be within a marriage.

It was a sign of things to come in OP's case, though. As people have said, the issue isn't the proposal but the 17 years of being treated like a domestic appliance afterwards.

@Rainbowinabasket

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!

He sounds pretty horrible, OP. It's not about the proposal, it's about the fact that over the years he's cemented that "I do not really give a shit" day in, day out - the reason you can't get past it 17 years later is because he's still doing it.

You have two options:

1. You leave, because he takes you for granted, isn't kind to you, isn't an equal parent, has made no effort to integrate with your family, and he has shown no interest in ever changing. And because you deserve someone to give you even a basic level of interest and kindness.

1. You stay, but you let go of the proposal and stop torturing yourself over it - you know how he feels, you know this is the most he's willing to give you. If you're okay with it, stay, but actually be okay with it, or you'll be miserably resentful of his lack of interest forever. Accept that he is going to be, at best, a lacklustre husband, but that you're choosing to stay because you'd prefer that over leaving.

You could ask him to change, but frankly after 17 years I imagine he's going to wonder why he'd need to bother because you've put up with it for so long - and I don't mean it's your fault, I mean he's going to feel no incentive to change and if he were emotionally intelligent or cared enough to realise why he should change, he probably wouldn't be like this in the first place.

You have an unromantic husband
And by sounds of your latest update, he's a lazy partner who expects you to do all the childcare responsibilities and rubbish stuff and also you to look after him but doesn't look after you. It's not very equal is it? Don't you want to ask for better in life? An equal partner who you can rely on as much as he relies on you?

Rainbowinabasket
No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his.
I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!

That's a whole different ball game. I bet you wouldn't give a flying feck about a half assed proposal IF he was a decent human being & try you with the respect you deserve.

It's familiar & all wrong. Trust me, though the transition is hard, in time the grass can be a whole lot greener than putting up with an uncaring selfish asshole who doesn't respect you for the rest of your life

@DrSbaitso

I don't think a proposal necessarily has any bearing on how someone will be within a marriage.

It was a sign of things to come in OP's case, though. As people have said, the issue isn't the proposal but the 17 years of being treated like a domestic appliance afterwards.

I agree but it's pointless moaning about the proposal when it is the marriage that is the problem.

Another poster seemed to imply that any man that could not be bothered with a fancy proposal would not bother much in a marriage and I was pointing out that this is totally untrue

In my opinion, If you were happily married right now, you would look back at the proposal story and say that "he was authentic".

Sorry if I'm being too forward but I would recommend asking for help and maybe trying counseling? I'm sure they can help you find ways to prioritize your thoughts/needs and everything else, and help you deal with everything.