To still feel sad about my lack of effort proposal?

[Rainbowinabasket]

Even though it was 17 years ago!
DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time.
I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.
The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me.
Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!

OP, I agree with those who say you need to take responsibility for your own life. YOU did this, too. Your life is the result of your choices. You clearly had, and have, appalling self-esteem to be relieved by and to accept a proposal from someone you’d known two months at the age of 21, and to be normalising your rubbish marriage and hands-off-parent DH by saying ‘men are like that’, as if their penises get in the way of doing childcare and housework and being a supportive and attentive spouse. You say you won’t leave because the children ‘wouldn’t like contact time’ — think what that says about his relationship with his own children!

I can assure you there is greener grass than your yellowed and parched patch out there. You just don’t want to believe it because believing it means you gave to shake things up and act.

It’s easier to complain about his proposal rather than think about how you shouldn’t have accepted it.

The good thing is that your unhappiness is the result of things you can change. If you don’t think you’re worth it, think of your children. Do you really want your daughters thinking that this is a good way to live, or your sons AND daughters to grow up with the idea that men don’t do childcare or housework?

*stop him. My first comment is unreadable. I meant your husband is not a good person not mine. But if you raise it with him now I suspect he’ll be astonished because this is what he’s used to.

Every time someone gets engaged and the proposer obviously cared enough to make an effort, I feel sad that my husband didn’t. And it’s 9 years ago so I guess I’m never going to get over it, it’s just going to be a lifelong disappointment. I think it set the stage for him not giving a shit about my feelings though. I should have had the sense to run away.

The issue isn’t whether you have an amazing proposal story, it's that you're chosen to spend a substantial portion of your life with a man who doesn't make an effort.

I'm not sure what's to be gained wishing he was someone different when it seems like he's been the same person you chose to marry. It's not healthy to put yourself in passive mode and stew on things that long. If you're not happy not happy leave.

I went to a colleague's wedding with my then boyfriend and he said "you'd look nice in a dress like that". That was his proposal. We had my engagement ring made by a friend who was a jeweller and it sat on the mantlepiece until my birthday a couple of weeks later. That day he worked in the morning and when he got home he looked at the box and said "put your ring on then".

Who said romance wasn't dead? In my case too it set the scene for what was an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. I left him earlier this year after suffering him for 30 years.

@Rainbowinabasket

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!

Does he have good points??

He really doesn't sound nice... I think lack of proposal /effort is the least of your issues... He doesn't sound pleasant /kind or fun.

I'd be taking a really hard look at my options....

You say the grass is not greener (IMHO not always correct... My current relationship is much better than first one,😁).....

.....

So...what I'd be thinking about (privately - and with mates...)

Is he really better than being on your own?

Are you willing to risk the CHANCE of a better relationship for this meh one?
You're still young!!

When you think of your 40th birthday /50th/60th /70th birthday... What does it look like,? Is he in it? What's he doing?

Linked to this... Cna you imagine going through tough really tough times with him?

And stuff like menopause? When the kids leave home? Retirement??

I'm a fair bit older than you
Every one of my pals with similar stories to hoy did not regret leaving... The ones with regrets are the ones that stayed....

It has nothing to do with the proposal but the people involved in the marriage

1st proposal was elaborate & showy ... he was an abusive arse who I had a fight on my hands to get rid of

2nd was a simple "we'd best get married then if you are up for it" ... still happy 20 years later & he does make an effort where it counts

The grass is greener. Somebody who doesn’t go to your family events and who does not get up with their children is not worth staying with. Selfish so and so

I voted YABU as you could have said no. You made it too easy for him.

After 2 months I wouldn’t be expecting a proposal anyway so I’d say no but I’d also want someone to show me that they actually want to marry me - in that situation he definitely didn’t so I’d say no I’m not ready. I guarantee if he wanted to marry you he’d have made more effort next time.

Have you asked him for what you want/need?

If so, how has he responded?

Or have you just kind of gone along with things and hoped he'd use his initiative?

@Bluntness100

It’s seventeen years now op and you are choosing to stay with him, you chose to marry him. Take some personal responsibility for your own decisions and life choices. This isn’t about him. This is about you being a passenger in your own life.

Stewing over something seventeen years ago whilst just plodding along and going with it, but blaming him, with no intention to leave is really a sad way to live.

All of this. Absolutely.

Haha the grass is LOADS greener.

he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. Take the lie ins, don't wait to be given. Tell him you get one morning each. He doesnt want to? Then you won't cook meals for him any more. Get tough.

He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. Completely ignore him next time he's ill, when he complains look astonished and say 'I treat you exactly as you treat me, so how can that be wrong?'

He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. Stop going to his. Please yourself. Feel no obligation at all and laugh your head off if he complains.

Contact time? - how old are they. They won't have to go for very long if they don't want to. It's also his problem... you'd have to make them available for contact, if he can't keep them happy... I guess they wouldn't go. Not your problemooo.

You're only in your 30s, yes? Don't waste an entire lieftime feeling like this.

oh and greener grass. Well you certainly wouldn't miss the help - because there is none. You wouldn't miss the love, because there is none. Or the companionship or affection, presumably.

You'd probably find you have a cleaner home without trying and a less stressful life.

Less money - yes, presumably. That's the thing to work out.

What a waste of a life, just because you're too timid to demand better.

This is not as good as it gets. The grass may well be greener without this millstone round your neck.

My proposal wasn’t very romantic. It was over lunch in the coffee shop at my office (we worked across the road from each other then). We were talking generally about the future and he said “well I could ask you to marry me now if you’d like”. He didn’t have a ring, we chose that later. We’ve been happily married over 30 years. I do think carefully staged romantic proposals are overrated.

If you’re happily married, get over it. I had no engagement ring and no real proposal. Just a “well when do you want to get married” as a taxi pulled up to take me to the airport at the end of a trip to visit him (we lived in different countries).

I knew someone who was going on a big family holiday with his girlfriend's family. She told him he had to propose on the honeymoon, picked out the ring he had to "surprise" her with, told him exactly where he had to propose (it was a flight of steps outside a touristy place they were visiting.) Now that is what I call unromantic. I couldn't stop laughing when he told me, his face said it all. I think they are still together.

Sorry, my comment sounded harsher than I meant it. I mean that you CAN demand better and you DO deserve better.

Like others, I think the upset regarding the proposal is because it has become symbolic of the effort you feel he puts into your marriage.

My Garndad proposed to my Grandma by waiting for her one morning at the place they passed when biking to work. He walked with her for a few paces and said "I suppose we ought to get married then". She siad "I suppose we should".

They then had 50 years of a true partnership in which they loved each other totally and built a wonderful life together. The proposal wasn't grand, but it didn't need to be, because the love was there. It always struck me as the most romantic story because of it's total lack of grandeur.

If you are unhappy, OP, leave, take action, build a life for yourself in which you are happy. No one else will do it for you.

The grass will definitely be a heck of a lot greener without this selfish manpig in your life.

"Manpig" :o love it. I had a manpig.

We never married but I still feel sad about his total lack of interest when I told him I was pregnant - both times - even though we were TTC so not a horrible shock or anything.

Now I'm sitting in the much greener single grass over here OP. It took me a while to find the courage, and to wait until I felt the kids could cope, and I understand if that's not right for you now. But planning to leave and knowing I would gave me a lot of strength. You don't have to put up with this. It's not OK just because he's a man. Even if all men were like that (they're not) - that wouldn't mean you had to stay and put up with it.

You need to stop settling for this unhappy life. You're worth more than this.

Oh OP your posts are sad.
Your husband is not nice or kind or loving. And there is a LOT more to life than what you have right now. I hope you can speak to him frankly and honestly about what you want / need and you can work it out but i fear that won't happen and your children are seeing what's going on as the model for marriage / family life.

I wish you strength

It’s seventeen years now op and you are choosing to stay with him, you chose to marry him. Take some personal responsibility for your own decisions and life choices. This isn’t about him. This is about you being a passenger in your own life.

This!!

You only get one short life, OP. You've already wasted 17 years of it with this selfish shit, but you LET him treat you like this!

You deserve more. You deserve to be happy.

And think about your dc - what example of a relationship are you showing them?! Would you want your dc to be in a relationship like yours??

I wouldn't worry too much about contact time. I bet your h won't bother much with the dc if you left him.

Get angry, OP! This is YOUR life. What do YOU want with it? Start making demands. Make a list of things you want to change, and get started!

DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
Maybe you'd have been happier with a bower bird?