To still feel sad about my lack of effort proposal?

[Rainbowinabasket]

Even though it was 17 years ago!
DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time.
I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.
The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me.
Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!

@counsellortroi I don't think people sad about the lack of effort in their proposals necessarily want 'carefully staged romantic' ones; just evidence of a bit of thoughtfulness.

You and your husband discussing the future and the fact that (presumably) you decided you both wanted that future to be together sounds like romance to me!

Why do you think he married you?

If you split up, whose life would get easier and whose would get harder? And why?

@MattHancocksSexTape

but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.

That’s generalised and quite sexist bullshit. I know plenty of men who make effort, and plenty of women who don’t.

yup this.

I had known my husband for a couple of months. We were drunk and he rolled over in bed and said something like, 'Wiiiuuumaaame'. The next morning, I asked him if he meant what he said during the night. He looked shocked and asked, 'What did I say?' I told him that I thought he asked me to marry him. He said, 'OK then.' and I took that as a proposal.

Later that day, I went to the registry office and asked how quickly and cheaply I could get married. The administrator said I could get married the day after tomorrow, and it would cost sixty quid.

I told my husband to be, asked for his divorce certificate and other documents, booked the event and paid for it.

We got married. My mother and father were witnesses. There was no ring, no bridesmaids and out wedding 'breakfast' was a cheap takeaway in my flat.

We have been married for 23 years, but lived separately for 6 years. The fact that I have been so much happier in the six years we have been apart, that in the seventeen years we spent together, says it all.

@caravanman

I had known my husband for a couple of months. We were drunk and he rolled over in bed and said something like, 'Wiiiuuumaaame'. The next morning, I asked him if he meant what he said during the night. He looked shocked and asked, 'What did I say?' I told him that I thought he asked me to marry him. He said, 'OK then.' and I took that as a proposal.

Later that day, I went to the registry office and asked how quickly and cheaply I could get married. The administrator said I could get married the day after tomorrow, and it would cost sixty quid.

I told my husband to be, asked for his divorce certificate and other documents, booked the event and paid for it.

We got married. My mother and father were witnesses. There was no ring, no bridesmaids and out wedding 'breakfast' was a cheap takeaway in my flat.

We have been married for 23 years, but lived separately for 6 years. The fact that I have been so much happier in the six years we have been apart, that in the seventeen years we spent together, says it all.

I must admit that wasn't the ending I was expecting.

I don't know why, because everything leading up to that was entirely factual and objective.

My dh proposed to me after a skin full outside the Watford Irish club, did it really matter? No, of course not.

All your posts are about him and him putting in effort. Did you put in any effort relationship wise?

The proposal shouldn’t matter to you after all this time if the marriage was good. It doesn’t sound good at all.

So change it!

Go to Relate, or just be really clear with your husband what needs to change and why. Or decide it’s not worth your time anymore and leave.

You have agency, use it. You don’t have to be a passive participant.

OP, you do not sound like someone living the life that they want to live.

I don't mean big exotic fancy stuff, or lavish lifestyles, riches or fame or all that.

I mean living authentically, honestly, in a way that affords you happiness, small pleasures, a sense of ease, rightness and wellbeing.

That doesn't take grand gestures, but it does require you to take action to move towards it. Maybe in slow steps, one at a time.

What makes you happy?

@Rainbowinabasket

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women. I don’t mean with the grand gestures though, I mean overall generally. He doesn’t make much effort.

This is crap lol. It's nothing to do with him being a man vs a woman, it's just an issue with him. Saying 'he's a man' doesn't excuse it or explain it.

My husband has always made efforts in the time we have been together, even small things like a cup of tea in the morning. Likewise, many of my friend's husbands are the same.

Life is far too short to stay in a miserable marriage where you don't appear to be gaining anything. Staying for the kids is not a reason to stay.

My one yelled 'SHALL WE GET MARRIED THEN?!!' across a very noisy and crowded pub, whilst the keyboard player of the awful resident band did a frenetic solo of 'Another One Bites The Dust'....

No he’s never made much effort, but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.
TBH, it still sounds as if you have low self esteem.
What do YOU want? - being a martyr and staying because you're worrying over what the DC might make of contact arrangements is a bit pointless - living with two parents where one is desparately unhappy isn't great either.

Life with this selfish shit who goes nothing around the house isn't exactly providing them with a great role.
It's not the 17 years ago proposal (or lack of) - it's what the relationship now is like, and it sounds crap TBH - and not as if it's going to improve any time soon.
WOrk out what you do want, and go for it.

GRRR typos and lack of attention!!

Life with this selfish shit who does nothing around the house isn't exactly providing them with a great role model.

[quote HotChoc10]@counsellortroi I don't think people sad about the lack of effort in their proposals necessarily want 'carefully staged romantic' ones; just evidence of a bit of thoughtfulness.

You and your husband discussing the future and the fact that (presumably) you decided you both wanted that future to be together sounds like romance to me![/quote]
Yes you are right on both counts.

OP I do sympathise. I hope you can workout what you want and go for it.

My husband proposed in bed, in the dark, at about 11pm when I was nearly asleep. I had to ask him a couple of times what he said and if he meant it.
However, he’d been abroad on business and come back that day. He’d told everyone he was away with he was going to propose when he got back, and got his guide to take him to buy the ring. It was my birthday a few days later and he was planning on proposing then, but he got too excited and couldn’t sleep, so he got out of bed, got the ring and proposed there and then. He is a great husband who tries his hardest to make me happy, which is far more important than his proposal.

You’re accepting too little OP, you’ve got loads of life ahead of you, you deserve much better. Life isn’t supposed to be a long lonely slog with a partner who doesn’t help and support you. Whoever you live with should make your life a lot better.

I was the one to 'propose' and it was a very matter-of-fact 'we may as well get married sooner rather than later' conversation in my student room one evening followed by a shoestring wedding 6 months later. We've been married 21 years and I feel absolutely loved, respected and cared for. I have fond memories of that evening. If I weren't happy, I would probably be thinking 'ffs, I even had to bloody propose'. It's not the proposal itself, it's your view of it in the context of everything else.

You’re still young - move on from your DH and create a happy life for yourself. Your children will be fine and will adapt. Obviously there will be an unsettling transition time but you’re not happy, and you deserve to be happy. You will get no thanks or happiness from being a martyr.

@NeonShortsInWinter

Agree a lie in this weekend and if he says no make it very clear that if you don't get this one lie in, the first you will ever have had in X number of years, then you will make sure that he doesn't get one either. The children will play musical instruments in the bedroom if necessary.

I am a SAHM, my sons are mid-lates teens. I got a lie in every Sunday morning. Dh got one every Saturday morning. His proposal wasn't a big romantic gesture but every day he shows me he loves me, cups of tea, secret notes in the fridge attached to the milk, chocolate from a hidden stash for when I am on my period, he de-ices my windscreen whilst waiting for his to demist, possibly leaving a heart drawn on the driver window. I do the same sort of things for him. It isn't about sex it is about thoughtfulness. We have been married over 20 years.

I would find that utterly cloying but we are all different!

@caravanman

I had known my husband for a couple of months. We were drunk and he rolled over in bed and said something like, 'Wiiiuuumaaame'. The next morning, I asked him if he meant what he said during the night. He looked shocked and asked, 'What did I say?' I told him that I thought he asked me to marry him. He said, 'OK then.' and I took that as a proposal.

Later that day, I went to the registry office and asked how quickly and cheaply I could get married. The administrator said I could get married the day after tomorrow, and it would cost sixty quid.

I told my husband to be, asked for his divorce certificate and other documents, booked the event and paid for it.

We got married. My mother and father were witnesses. There was no ring, no bridesmaids and out wedding 'breakfast' was a cheap takeaway in my flat.

We have been married for 23 years, but lived separately for 6 years. The fact that I have been so much happier in the six years we have been apart, that in the seventeen years we spent together, says it all.

This post is leaving me with lots of questions, @caravanman! Why were you quick to act on a drunken midnight blurt from someone you barely knew? And not only did you ask if he’d meant it (even though you had to remind him if what he actually said the next day), you then went straight to the registry office to see how quickly you could get married, got all his documentation, and booked a wedding for three days after the original drunken possible proposal?

Why were you in such a hurry, even if you were in the full flush of new love?

(Was this in the UK? When DH and I wanted a fast, cheap wedding, we still had to have an interview at our nearest register office, give notice and were only cleared to be able to marry something like 21 or 30 days after giving notice, which I thought was standard…?)

OP you have some choices here:

1. Continue to put up with feeling like this as you don't want to rock the boat.
2. Talk to your DH, plain how you feel and see if he is open to talking things through and making changes.
3. Divorce him and find your happy.

This post is leaving me with lots of questions, @caravanman! Why were you quick to act on a drunken midnight blurt from someone you barely knew? And not only did you ask if he’d meant it (even though you had to remind him if what he actually said the next day), you then went straight to the registry office to see how quickly you could get married, got all his documentation, and booked a wedding for three days after the original drunken possible proposal?

"Why were you in such a hurry, even if you were in the full flush of new love?

(Was this in the UK? When DH and I wanted a fast, cheap wedding, we still had to have an interview at our nearest register office, give notice and were only cleared to be able to marry something like 21 or 30 days after giving notice, which I thought was standard…?)"

@Dropcloth, absolutely true, and even worse. I got to know him through the local 'Lonely Hearts' ads (Internet dating was not quite a thing then). We did have a lot of things in common, perhaps because it was the local paper that the ads were in, so we had mutual acquaintances and experiences. I was a bit desperate, on reflection.

Yes, you can get married, legally, cheaply and with great simplicity in the UK, or at least you could in the late nineties.

Obviously, there is more to the story than just the complete lack of romance. I am not a romantic person anyway. The reasons we separated were much more serious than implied.

Good ol' "Bluntness" here to stick the knife in! Not everyone is perfect like you.

Some people make mistakes for whatever reason, or don't realize their mistakes until later in life. Luckily for you you have never done anything like that as you are so perfect in all your decision making.

Oh, @caravanman, I wasn’t in the least suggesting it was t true — I was only interested in why you acted so fast and decisively on a drunken mumble in a very new relationship.

And yes, DH and I got married in jeans with two friends as witnesses, but we still had to give a minimum of 28 days notice (I just looked it up) of marrying at our local registry office. This was in London in the early 2000s.

Sorry, ‘WASN’T true’!

Familiarity breeds contempt as I have heard said many times. My marriages were abusive (1st one horrendously so and the second less so) but with the second familiarity was the only thing keeping me there. You will always be wondering why you stayed or what your life could have been. You really need to have a big discussion about things because it's not acceptable. Do you honestly really still love him? A friend asked me if I really wanted this in 5 years time and I really didn't so I left.