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AIBU?

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Original poster

To still feel sad about my lack of effort proposal?

133 replies

Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:01

Even though it was 17 years ago!
DH just said ‘suppose we’ll go and look for a ring then.’
We’d been together for only two months and I was only 21 at the time.
I feel it set the scene for a generally lacklustre marriage where he’s never made much effort.
The wedding party all stopped in the hotel the night of the wedding and the following morning he went and sat with his mates rather than me.
Aibu to still feel a bit disappointed? I probably need to get over it!

OP posts:
tootiredtobother · 12/11/2021 07:34

i got a proposal in the dark in a Torquay car park ! could hardly see the ring but it was a ring I had tried on at an antiques fair months earlier, he had tracked it down. 31 years later mostly good.

NeonShortsInWinter · 12/11/2021 07:37

Agree a lie in this weekend and if he says no make it very clear that if you don't get this one lie in, the first you will ever have had in X number of years, then you will make sure that he doesn't get one either. The children will play musical instruments in the bedroom if necessary.

I am a SAHM, my sons are mid-lates teens. I got a lie in every Sunday morning. Dh got one every Saturday morning. His proposal wasn't a big romantic gesture but every day he shows me he loves me, cups of tea, secret notes in the fridge attached to the milk, chocolate from a hidden stash for when I am on my period, he de-ices my windscreen whilst waiting for his to demist, possibly leaving a heart drawn on the driver window. I do the same sort of things for him. It isn't about sex it is about thoughtfulness. We have been married over 20 years.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 12/11/2021 07:41

@Rainbowinabasket

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!
Have you asked him to do these things, or challenged him about why not? I know it would be ideal if he did them without being asked, but also lots of people just go along with this treatment silently and don't like to rock the boat. Time to rock the boat.
tallduckandhandsome · 12/11/2021 07:42

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his.
I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!

The grass will definitely be a heck of a lot greener without this selfish manpig in your life.

DrSbaitso · 12/11/2021 07:43

@Rainbowinabasket

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!
Are you sure about that?

If he's never looked after you while ill, never let you sleep while he gets up with the kids and never comes with you to see your family, what makes you think there's nothing better out there?

You married him because you didn't have the self-esteem not to, and now you stay because he's familiar and you think life can't be better than this. But if you really believed that last point, you wouldn't be sad and questioning it.

What's the housework etc ratio like?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/11/2021 07:44

The grass will be greener.

name3958 · 12/11/2021 07:45

I didn't get a proposal, we mutually decided to get married, we have a very happy (and equal) marriage. Your marriage isn't affected by your proposal, you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Sn0tnose · 12/11/2021 07:47

Time to rock the boat

Most definitely this, I think. Do you want to spend another three or four decades resenting his lack of effort?

Sandinmyknickers · 12/11/2021 07:47

@Rainbowinabasket

No it’s not big fancy gestures that are missing... it’s things like he’s never ‘given’ me a lie in at the weekends - always me getting up with the dc. He’s never looked after me if I’m ill. He’s never come to any of my family things, although I go to his. I stay with him because it’s familiar and I’m aware the grass isn’t greener!
You're right that the grass isn't always greener....but there's green grass out there and fron the way you describe it sounds like you're putting up with some pretty yellow grass. I would just ask yourself what you feel you might be posting on here in 10 years time if you change nothing, and also think about what sort of life you want to be living- do the two match up in any way? If so, great. If not, go and find some green grass, you deserve green grass
Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:48

The housework is all mine. Mine, all mine. 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 07:49

I only work 28 hours though.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 12/11/2021 07:52

@Rainbowinabasket

I only work 28 hours though.
Me too, so yes I do most of it...but he still does it where he sees it needs doing and gives me a lie in once a week. Plus he makes me feel loved and supported every day. He's not a grand gesture person but every day he does things to make me feel loved. And he definitely looks after me when I'm ill. Who doesn't do that if they love someone?

When you feel loved and supported, you know it. When you don't....why do you think no life you might have could be better than this one?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/11/2021 07:53

What do you mean the grass isn't greener?
It's better to be in a crap marriage than alone?
There are no better men out there?
Both of those statements are objectively false.

gofg · 12/11/2021 07:54

It’s seventeen years now op and you are choosing to stay with him, you chose to marry him. Take some personal responsibility for your own decisions and life choices. This isn’t about him. This is about you being a passenger in your own life.

This. If you weren't happy with the proposal why did you marry him? Life isn't about grand gestures, but marrying someone you had only been with for two months (and being grateful that he asked!!) was not the best idea. You got yourself into this, you need to decide what you want to do and act on it, rather than waiting for someone to wave a magic wand. Aint going to happen.

PinkFizz1 · 12/11/2021 07:58

@MattHancocksSexTape

but I suppose he’s a man and they aren’t the same as women.

That’s generalised and quite sexist bullshit. I know plenty of men who make effort, and plenty of women who don’t.

Agreed.

I’m getting more and more sick of men’s lack of effort in relationships blamed on the ‘Oh you know what men are like!’ Or some sort of variation on that.

We as women just accept less than we deserve and blame it on ‘men being men’. The right one will go above and beyond in the relationship. Not 100%, every single day, no. But if the general feeling over the entire 17 years is that he’s not making the effort then that’s your problem, not the proposal.

HotChoc10 · 12/11/2021 08:00

Oh gosh I agree with everyone saying the issue is the lack of effort in the marriage not the proposal.

That said... I got engaged at the beginning of the year (to a lovely man who makes lots of effort day to day) and the proposal was a complete big nothing. So I do get the dwelling on it, unhealthy as it is. I hate that I'm still bothered by it nearly a year later I really hope I'm over it before 17 years has passed!

Polmuggle · 12/11/2021 08:00

The grass is most definitely greener.

OP stop waiting for him to give you a life you'll enjoy, and just take it.

Nyxly · 12/11/2021 08:08

The grass where you are is dead, gone and bare soil that won't grow grass.

If you want grass, you need to do something about it.

The only reason you should be thinking about the proposal is why you accept it and why you stayed when you were unhappy. So that you understand yourself and donr continue is this situation.

He won't change. So your choice is stay miserable or get out and start your own garden and be happy.

And it is a choice. He may be shit. But you are choosing to stay. It an be hard to get out. But you aren't even trying or planning on it. That's a choice.

So while he chooses to be selfish. You choose to live with it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/11/2021 08:10

The grass isnt always greener, but it has got to be greener than yours in most cases OP. You are completely settling.

I got no grand proposal either. But I'd have been mortified if there was anything in front of anyone.

I work 28 hours as well. That's 80% of the working week so doesnt mean you fit 100% of the housework into your day off! My husband does half the housework, half the childcare, probably more than half the school pick ups and drop offs, he gives me a lie in most days as he is a naturally early riser, helped in the night when they were babies even though I was breastfeeding etc etc. The whole 'he is a man and they think differently...well yours does but I know loads that don't.

If you were single you wouldnt be holding on to this resentment, you'd be free to date someone who actually added to your life, you would have one less person to cook for and clean up after and if he wanted contact time with the kids youd have regular time off and lie ins etc

What would he say if you said you were sick of getting up early and you wanted him to take turns? And put ear plugs in and feigned sleep when the inevitable 'I'm tired / I didn't hear the kids get up' happened? When you said you were sick of doing all the chores or washing or whatever and if he didnt do his share you wont be doing hi any more?

You sound really ground down and passive, I don't think the low self esteem was just when you were young, you seem to think this is a typical marriage, a shit marriage is better than no marriage, that you somehow deserve this and all men are like that anyway, and you couldn't be happier on your own or someone else. None of that is true at all. Could you look into therapy or counselling to explore why you have accepted a shit situation for so long?

VikingsandDragons · 12/11/2021 08:12

Most of the grass is a lot greener than this! The proposal was crap, the marriage is awful, you only get one shot at life is this really how you want to spend it?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/11/2021 08:17

I know someone who hired a helicopter to propose to his GF … spent a fortune on the ring and a big lavish party … he was shagging her best friend weeks after the wedding.

Original poster
Rainbowinabasket · 12/11/2021 08:23

The kids wouldn’t like the contact time though, it’s part of why I stay. I’ve done everything for the kids too.
I cannot imagine a partner who gets up in the night with a baby - that was not my partner. It is totally alien to me.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 12/11/2021 08:26

@Rainbowinabasket

The kids wouldn’t like the contact time though, it’s part of why I stay. I’ve done everything for the kids too. I cannot imagine a partner who gets up in the night with a baby - that was not my partner. It is totally alien to me.
What do you mean, they wouldn't like contact time?

A lot of women say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the convenience and fear of upheaval.

3luckystars · 12/11/2021 08:26

There isn’t only two options, to stay or leave. You can both make changes if you want to work it out.

I hope you can talk to him.

LucentBlade · 12/11/2021 08:30

You still have low self esteem, try putting yourself first.

You realise you are setting a model for your dc. If you have daughters they will think women are domestic slaves and if you have boys they will think this is the right way to treat women.

Sounds like you had a bad childhood yourself.