Bridezilla?

[weddingdramagreat]

Live in London, getting married 3 hours outside of London in my hometown in March.

I have invited the 3 bridesmaids down the evening before to have dinner together and to make things easier as we are up reasonably early the next day.

We are paying for the dresses, hair and makeup, accommodation and all food and drink over the weekend.

The caveat is that they are sharing rooms (2 in one and the other in a room with her husband).

One is now refusing to come down the night before because she hates sharing rooms and says 'it's ridiculous to be asked to share at our age' (we are all 32). She's single and no kids so has no commitments in London she needs to stay for.

Travelling down the morning of the wedding means things could go wrong / she might be late etc and also I was hoping to spend the morning with my close friends on my wedding day.

AIBU to think it's ok to share rooms occasionally in times like this, just for 2 nights? Or are we being demanding / stingey?

@diddl

""I don't want to" - is not a great reason to not do something for a good friends wedding.

If you have an actual reason: I can't afford it, I'm unwell, I have a medcial issue, I have other more pressing responsibilities, then that's reasonable."

Nope, she's an adult & can decide what she does & doesn't want to do.

She doesn't owe explanations/reasons & shouldn't be guilt tripped into it.

Neither should the OP be guilt tripped into giving her a single room

@weddingdramagreat

Well, she's said she's not coming the night before unless she gets her own room.

No suggestion to pay for her own.

FFS.

You've been very generous, OP. It's not usual to pay for people's accommodation, and you're not getting flak after being generous enough to do so.

The background to all this is that she's regularly and recently shared (even shared a bed!) before, so all these 'maybe's that people are coming up with obviously don't apply. She's being greedy, so simply accept that she'll set off on the day. I bet you anything she changes her mind.

Sorry this is happening and Amazed at the bizarre comments.

Yanbu
Weddings bring out the worst on people.
She's being a bridesmaidzilla and an awkward fuck.
I dont get why people find it so hard to wear the dress, turn up, eat the free food and smile.

I'd tell her part of being bridesmaid is coming down the night before - she can pay for her own room or share.
Her choice.

@Crunchymum she's sharing for night 2 (as far as I know, maybe she'll get a cab back to London....)

I'd tell her part of being bridesmaid is coming down the night before - she can pay for her own room or share.
Her choice.

Chances are you'd be down a bridesmaid and a friend. Which you might be ok with, but there's no need for all this drama, really.

[quote weddingdramagreat]@Crunchymum she's sharing for night 2 (as far as I know, maybe she'll get a cab back to London....) [/quote]
Ok she’s defo being greedy then

@weddingdramagreat

Well, she's said she's not coming the night before unless she gets her own room.

No suggestion to pay for her own.

Give her the choice of paying. I don't see why she's ok with sharing the night after but not the night before.

I wonder if it's something as daft as wanting to wash her hair at home. Have you asked her?

"Nope, she's an adult & can decide what she does & doesn't want to do.*

Ha this is always the MN line.
As if it's a clever revelation. When in reality it's a stupid simplistic isolationist way to live.

Well yes she can, and she can look like an awkward dick for doing so.

In reality to maintain important relationships we often put our selves out for others.

Particularly when they have chosen for us to be a central part of a significant occasion for them because they value us.

What has her marital or child status got to do with it? She doesn't want to do it, she is entitled to her opinions.

I think a big part of the issue here is that you want the bridesmaids there to help you get ready on the day – surely this is a fundamental aspect of being a bridesmaid?

Sorry, I disagree.

I got married last century. I am genuinely baffled why a bride needs help to get ready. What can a bridesmaid do that the bride can't do for herself? Getting ready together I can understand for the camaraderie and friendship, but as for needing help I don't get it at all unless the bride needs to be laced into a tight corset.

@MalagaNights

"Nope, she's an adult & can decide what she does & doesn't want to do.*

Ha this is always the MN line.
As if it's a clever revelation. When in reality it's a stupid simplistic isolationist way to live.

Well yes she can, and she can look like an awkward dick for doing so.

In reality to maintain important relationships we often put our selves out for others.

Particularly when they have chosen for us to be a central part of a significant occasion for them because they value us.

Exactly. It’s not black and white. Even with free speech. In theory you can say whatever you like but other people are free to judge you for it.

Could you actually imagine being the type of friend that would be so selfish to throw this kind of hissy fit before one do your closest friends wedding?!
Is it ideal sharing? No. But you aren't forcing her to and she could politely decline or pay for her own room. Literally no need to make you feel like this OP. Completely unreasonable in my eyes! I would question the reaction though... is it our fo character? Could something be up with her?
Hope you're ok!

@RampantIvy

I think a big part of the issue here is that you want the bridesmaids there to help you get ready on the day – surely this is a fundamental aspect of being a bridesmaid?

Sorry, I disagree.

I got married last century. I am genuinely baffled why a bride needs help to get ready. What can a bridesmaid do that the bride can't do for herself? Getting ready together I can understand for the camaraderie and friendship, but as for needing help I don't get it at all unless the bride needs to be laced into a tight corset.

Oh come on, really? It's not about needing actual physical help to get ready (although my bridesmaid had to zip me into my dress). It's about having close friends there to share the experience, "help" you touch up your makeup etc. I've been a bridesmaid twice and am married. On each of the days the bride abs bridesmaids got ready together, because it's nice.

@weddingdramagreat I think your friend is being unnecessarily awkward. I'm a light sleeper who gets up to go to the loo several times a night but I have no problem sharing a room with friends (although they may not want to share a room with me )

You aren’t bridezilla and you have been generous, not stingy. It’s a shame that she will miss your (paid for) night before dinner, but that is her choice. Don’t turn it into a catastrophe. She’ll probably get there wedding morning, if that is her choice.

She can either share, book a room or travel.

She knows this - so don't give it any more thought or energy. Tune it out.

Whatever happens I'm sure you will have a cracking day.

How on earth is she ok sharing one night but not two? Makes no sense!

Bridesmaidszilla!!

Not a chance in hell I'd be sharing a room, no thanks. But I would happily pay for my own if it was for a close friend wedding (and have done many times), so I think she's being weird not just doing that.

It's about having close friends there to share the experience

Yes, I said so in my post when I mentioned camaraderie and friendship @jiggeryjaggerywoo.

TBH I don't think either the bride or bridesmaid are being unreasonable here. What time is the wedding @weddingdramagreat.

I think you’re getting a hard time.

I think she is being very unreasonable

You're generously offering a gift - to pay for accommodation. You have no obligation to do so, but it is a nice gesture.
You don't get to moan about a gift "Her gift is better than mine" (as the other BM is sharing with partner). That's not how gifts work! She is being a CF.
She is perfectly entitled to - politely - refuse your gift and either book her own room or come down on the day, but the consequences (paying or missing out on the quality time/potential stress/missing the wedding) are on her. If that's the case, let her actions show you how much she values your friendship and focus your time and attention on those do care instead.

If I were her, and didn't like sharing, I'd just sort my own accommodation out.

I a bridesmaid in a couple of weeks, and would be totally happy with this (ans I am late 30s!)

You are being totally reasonable and considerate. If she doesn't like it, she can pay for her own room.

I think:

YANBU to offer to pay for shared rooms, and expect anyone who doesn't want this to pay for their own room (you could offer to pay the same as you would for the share, and have her pay the difference; but you don't have to pay at all) or to travel at crazy o'clock to make sure she's there on time.

YABU to complain about someone not wanting to share a room, and assume that she's just being difficult.

The bridesmaid is NBU to refuse to share: there could be many reasons for this; and it may even be that the reason why she's single in her 30s is because having her own space at night is very important to her..

She WBU to expect you to pay extra for it. She would also be U to be careless about being late; but there's no evidence that she is.

She is BU to say that you are 'ridiculous' to expect anyone to share. That does depend on whether it was her immediate response to the suggestion (quite U and rude), or whether you pressed her about it and she snapped (more understandable).

I think you are being very generous and that she should pay for her accommodation if she doesn't like you offer. Did the same for bridesmaids at our wedding....

You are being generous, but equally shouldn't try to make her do something she doesn't want to. Really there should be no expectation that you pay for their accommodation, but it is a nice thing to so. If she wants her own room, as others have said, that is fine she can pay for it. I think it is lovely to try to do a bit extra for close friends and family when you get married, but people can forget you are actually doing them a favour and they shouldn't expect anything, you have enough to worry about with your wedding! However, equally if she doesn't want to share or wants to come down on the day that is her choice too, unless her plans are unrealistic and likely to make her late for your wedding I think you should accept them. In the very unlikely event she is late you would have to go ahead without her, but let's face it she will get there. Just enjoy your wedding and definitely don't have an argument with one of your best friends about this.