Bridezilla?

[weddingdramagreat]

Live in London, getting married 3 hours outside of London in my hometown in March.

I have invited the 3 bridesmaids down the evening before to have dinner together and to make things easier as we are up reasonably early the next day.

We are paying for the dresses, hair and makeup, accommodation and all food and drink over the weekend.

The caveat is that they are sharing rooms (2 in one and the other in a room with her husband).

One is now refusing to come down the night before because she hates sharing rooms and says 'it's ridiculous to be asked to share at our age' (we are all 32). She's single and no kids so has no commitments in London she needs to stay for.

Travelling down the morning of the wedding means things could go wrong / she might be late etc and also I was hoping to spend the morning with my close friends on my wedding day.

AIBU to think it's ok to share rooms occasionally in times like this, just for 2 nights? Or are we being demanding / stingey?

[quote Tilltheend99]@Brefugee all of that sucks and doesn’t make you a snowflake. In the context of this situation if you are close enough to someone to ask them to be your bridesmaid/accept being a bridesmaid then op likely knows wether her friend has a long term condition that needs to be sensitively taken into account.[/quote]
I can assure you that lifelong friends don't know about mine. They probably imagine I just don't like sharing. And regardless of medical conditions, insomnia, snoring etc, I agree that you grow out of sharing a room. In my teens and 20s, we slept in ridiculously uncomfortable situations I have a photograph of six of us in sleeping bags spooned up on the tiny floorspace of a friend's bedsit, and while interrailing several times we slept in doorways or parks but these days I want relative comfort, and, more importantly, privacy.

@Tilltheend99 I think I'd agree re: the power play.

It seems really odd to agree to be bridesmaid and then not want to be there the night before or the morning of. Those are the times you get to properly be with eachother. If you're close enough to be bridesmaids then you should be close enough to want to make the effort.

I get that on paper, sharing a room isn't everyone's cup of tea. But I think ppl are forgetting that she's sharing a room with her own close friend, someone she has shared rooms with before, most recently a few weeks ago. That cuts deeper I think, to say yes I'll share on the holiday to make it cheaper for myself but I won't share for your wedding as I just don't want to. Bit shitty if you ask me.

I'd have done anything at all for my friends on their wedding days, and many done the same for me. But unfortunately you do get a few who show their cards with just not being arsed. Fair enough but often it's hurtful because you'd make the effort for them if the shoe was on the other foot.

I'd focus on the ppl who do want to be there, as honestly you will have the best day. It'll be her loss.

She's being a bit ridiculous. It's one night. I'm sure she will survive.

@Dropcloth I disagree that you "grow out of sharing a room". Some people are OK sharing and some aren't but it's more to do with personality than age. I know people in their 50's and 60's who happily holiday together and will share a room. It's only a big deal if you make it so.

I don't think you're being a Bridezilla, OP, but it does seem a bit mean to offer the other bridesmaid's husband part of a room (is he in the wedding party?) but the unmarried/unattached ones have to share? Overall this will add, what, 150 quid to the cost of your wedding?

Interesting point by pp about how a woman setting her boundaries here is a "snowflake" or "bridesmaidzilla" or worse.

@Tilltheend99 i only wrote all that so people can see the kind of reason some people might have for not wanting to share a room and also not want to disclose. I have no shame so i would put it exactly like that, but i am aware that most people don't like it.

I'm also a bit "meh" about all the "she should be honoured..." and "duties of a bridesmaid" stuff. In my day (I am ancient) you put on a pink frilly frock and walzed up the aisle, then got hammered and danced with all the bride's creepy uncles.

She's taking the piss. I never share rooms but I just pay for a room from the start. If what you're offering her doesn't suit her then it's up to her to make arrangements she finds more pleasing.

@Watchingyou2sleezes

She's taking the piss. I never share rooms but I just pay for a room from the start. If what you're offering her doesn't suit her then it's up to her to make arrangements she finds more pleasing.

But that's what she is doing. So what's the problem?

If she’s close enough a friend to be your bridesmaid then I think you just have to trust that she will be there on time and if she isn’t it won’t ruin your day. My best friend had a lot going on around my wedding day and I was aware she might not make it to the whole thing but trusted she would do what she could and she did.

I can't believe people are telling the OP, who is already being generous in providing free accommodation to the bridal party, that she should spend even more money on single rooms. That's a pretty entitled attitude to me.

I wouldn’t want to share a room but I’d offer to pay so that I could have my own.

I just think it solves both problems for minimal extra cost. Everyone is happy and can relax.

It's unfair to get the married friend a free room with her husband and make the others share. That would get my back up.
However YANBU there's nothing wrong sharing with close friends - you all know each other already!

@mam0918

It's hilarious that so many threads bash women with

'Why didn't you say no if your uncomfortable, you don't need to justify it you're a grown up act like it'

and then someone comes on and says

'my friend/family/neighbor said no to me because they claim they are uncomfortable AIBU to expect them to do as I say'

and the responses are always

'What a rude, entitled bitch how dare she say no to you? and her justification isn't good enough because X, Y, Z'

This is really so spot on.

[quote onelittlefrog]@Dropcloth I disagree that you "grow out of sharing a room". Some people are OK sharing and some aren't but it's more to do with personality than age. I know people in their 50's and 60's who happily holiday together and will share a room. It's only a big deal if you make it so.[/quote]
Not everyone does, no. But I think a sizeable number of people do.

And some people who are happy to share are unaware of how their habits/conditions make room-sharing with them difficult and unpleasant for other people. My mother always wants to share rooms, but despite the fact that on a number of trips the person she was sharing with moved rooms after the first night, giving some excuse, she doesn't seem to realise her chronic snoring is a misery to try to sleep through.

Not all the people whose personalities are happy with sharing realise that it needs more than them being happy to share.

@WouldBeGood

I just think it solves both problems for minimal extra cost. Everyone is happy and can relax.

How do you know it's minimal cost though?

Interesting point by pp about how a woman setting her boundaries here is a "snowflake" or "bridesmaidzilla" or worse.

Good point. MN is full of threads advising women to stand up for themselves and know when to draw a line in the sand and yet this woman is being berated for doing exactly that. I still think it's massively unfair to give a couple a room to themselves but expect two single women to share. If they're that important to the OP that they're her bridesmaids, they should be treated equally in terms of accommodation. As someone else said, we're talking maybe £150 extra on a wedding that's probably costing ££££s.

Maybe she snores and doesn’t like to give that reason, besides not wanting to have someone else moaning about it and/or telling everyone else and laughing.

If both your single bridesmaids had had spouses, would you have paid for a room each for them, as you have done for your married bridesmaid?

She sees it as a logistics issue (doesn’t want to share a room) and you see it as a friendship issue (you would do this for a friend). If you take the emotional heat out of it then when you talk to her you’re more likely to be able to find a solution that works for you both.

For what it’s worth I’d suck it up and share too for a mate but we’re all different and this just sounds as though you might have different, but equally valid, perspectives.

@Loudestcat14

Interesting point by pp about how a woman setting her boundaries here is a "snowflake" or "bridesmaidzilla" or worse.

Good point. MN is full of threads advising women to stand up for themselves and know when to draw a line in the sand and yet this woman is being berated for doing exactly that. I still think it's massively unfair to give a couple a room to themselves but expect two single women to share. If they're that important to the OP that they're her bridesmaids, they should be treated equally in terms of accommodation. As someone else said, we're talking maybe £150 extra on a wedding that's probably costing ££££s.

I initially thought that making the single friends share a room was unfair, but I retract my opinion. OP is actually paying the exact same amount per head. Even if the husband was made to pay his half it would still result in 2 people per room. So it's a 'teeny' bit unfair but more in the 'that's the way life is' way rather than outright single discrimination.

If 2 of them had partners then logically the remaining one would go into a single room.

But then again I'm fine with sharing and it's just for one night so I don't see what the fuss is. It's the way the BM said it, it's not 'ridiculous'. To say that to someone who's already paying for everything strikes me as entitled.

I don't think anyone should have to share a room if they aren't comfortable to

I agree. If it were me I would be paying for a room for myself.

Expecting close female friends to all have separate rooms is weird to me.

Not to me

Honestly all this guff about 'medical issues' etc etc really is (I hate to say it but in this case it's true ...) very 'snowflake' generation.

You lack any kind of understanding about other people’s problems @Finknottlesnewt. I’m in my 60s. I don’t want to share a room with anyone other than DH, DD or my sister. I’m not being precious. I have IBS and I don’t want to share a bathroom with anyone else thank you. Also, I don’t sleep well with someone I don’t know very well. Just because some of you don’t mind it doesn’t make it wrong for those of us who do mind. However, I would be happy to pay to have my own room.

But I would hold it against someone if they sneered at me or called me a snowflake for not being prepared to share a room, or contemptuously dismissed my medical issues

And so would I @ddl1

I don't think you get "too old" to share rooms. She just sounds entitled and a bit stuck up

No, she doesn’t @violetanemone. You sound cold and lacking in empathy and understanding

Getting the bride ready in the morning is one of the most basic tasks asked of a bridesmaid

Is it? Do brides really need three women to help them get ready?

So dismissive to imply the life she leads isn't important just because she doesn't have a husband or kids.

I wouldn’t like to share a room but if I could afford it I would be happy to pay. Maybe she can’t afford it.

@Sakura7 in the grand scheme of a wedding like this one

I’m 30 and when I go away with my best friends I really enjoy having a room to myself. I do have a four year old who likes to creep into my bed though at home so maybe that’s why!!