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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

630 replies

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:10

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

OP posts:
Dontcryformeallegra · 10/11/2021 13:07

She sounds so tiresome. I think your right, deep down she is insecure and wants to prove how busy she is compared to you.

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 13:08

It’s hard not to be irritated when she says things like ‘I hope you had a nice lie in, I’m jealous’ when I’ve got a day off.

I don’t get a lie in (well, not during the week) because I have a primary aged child. She knows this. She’s being snide. It’s weird.

OP posts:
GingerAndTheBiscuits · 10/11/2021 13:08

Do you think now her child is older and she’s less “needed” she’s struggling to find her new role and is overcompensating?

Mellowyellow222 · 10/11/2021 13:09

Do people complain more about being busy if they aren’t enjoying the tasks?

If I had to clean a house every day I would be miserable. I work really long hours - work is of course busy but everyone is busy at work.

Maybe this lady is really unhappy and hates everything on her to do list?

FateHasRedesignedMost · 10/11/2021 13:12

I feel busier as a SAHM than I did when working full time and commuting an hour each way, trying to sync train times with nursery/school runs etc.

Busy means different things to different people at different times.

catinboots123 · 10/11/2021 13:12

Tbf I always feel most 'busy' when I've got the least to do. Normally work 60 hrs weeks, fit in dogs and house and kids, shopping , life admin etc

I'm off work at the moment following an op and yesterday I paid a bill online, went to the post office and took one of the dogs to the groomers. Had to ring my mum last night and moan about my busy day 😀 I also watched Loose Women and three episodes of Friends

Busybee5000 · 10/11/2021 13:12

You’re reading far too much into this. Just ignore the messages if they bother you that much. Busy is subjective - if she’s a SAHM then of course she’ll have more time than you but it doesn’t mean she isn’t busy - she just fills her day with different things to you.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 10/11/2021 13:12

Stop replying to her- cut off her oxygen about it. If she asks why you don't reply, say you are busy 😬

nitsandwormsdodger · 10/11/2021 13:13

She isn’t harming you and she probably has low self esteem and feels the need to justify her self
Tell her you are going through a busy time with studies and Mute her
Send occasional thumbs up
You don’t like her so limit contact

EmeraldShamrock · 10/11/2021 13:14

It’s hard not to be irritated when she says things like ‘I hope you had a nice lie in, I’m jealous’ when I’ve got a day off.
Maybe she assumed your partner gave you a lie on and was making a lighthearted comment.
It is hard to understand anyone's life unless you live it.
Maybe she thinks you're crazy taking on some much.
She probably thinks you're a natural at coping.
You're very uptight about her.
No more responses to daily texts or go nc.

inferiorCatSlave · 10/11/2021 13:15

@GaiusHelenMohiam

It’s hard not to be irritated when she says things like ‘I hope you had a nice lie in, I’m jealous’ when I’ve got a day off.

I don’t get a lie in (well, not during the week) because I have a primary aged child. She knows this. She’s being snide. It’s weird.

If she's been snide you need to find a way of dealing with is so you're not upset - doesn;t really matter why she's being like this - focus more on changeing how you repond to her behavior which is only thing you can control.

I do get it first few years of DP/IL retirement we got phone calls 7 am -at weekend only chance to lie in - checking we were up and sounding disappointed when we were. That behavior trailled off by itself and we were often up - but often thought why ring so early if you actually thought we weren't Hmm.

SmellyOldOwls · 10/11/2021 13:17

Just stop texting her as much. Reply to her list of chores with a thumbs up.

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 13:17

Oh come on, it’s a weird thing to say to someone.

Why would she assume that if I have a day I’m not at work I’d be laying in bed? She’s got every day ‘off work’ and is jealous that I have the imagined opportunity for a lie in? Why can’t she have a lie in if she wants one? Why frame it that way?

It’s pointed and weird.

OP posts:
WaitingForSunshineAndDaisies · 10/11/2021 13:20

I've been in both positions OP, and felt busy in both. It's not a race to the bottom.

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 10/11/2021 13:21

Surprised you have the time to reply and feel cross about it all tbh. Sounds like you definitely win at the chock-a-block Olympics!

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 13:21

I was a SAHM for years by the way. This is absolutely not about that.

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 10/11/2021 13:21

Bright and breezy is the way to go op.
So leave it for a bit then text back ‘hope you get it done’ or ‘good luck with that’.
She wants attention and acknowledgement. If you can’t actually ignore her just give minimal attention.

thinkfast · 10/11/2021 13:21

Some people in life are natural born complainers. I suspect that if you start listing your complaints (in this case business), your relative will start one-upmanship where she starts listing more and more.

Have you ever tried responding with something positive to try to change the tone....along the lines of

Her: I'm so busy today. I have to clean the bathroom and inside all the drawers in the kitchen and collect the kids from school and make them dinner! Don't know how I'll cope!

You: bet you're making something delicious. You're a great cook. We're going to the cinema at the weekend. Looking forward to the film.

Libelula21 · 10/11/2021 13:24

Everyone’s different. Different coping mechanisms, different metabolisms, different levels of support from their OH. Invisible handicaps are a thing: depression, ADHD, etc, and menopause can be exhausting.

What seems strangest to me is the daily text. Especially when you dislike hearing from her. Why do you think she does it? And would you consider trying to re-draw the boundaries “Nice to hear from you. I’ve got some study deadlines, but catch up with you again in a couple of weeks!”?

You come across as a very capable and energetic person with a full life, not sure why you’d let this situation persist if you don’t like it? Perhaps your relative is just very needy.

Tamrastarr · 10/11/2021 13:24

Why on earth does she feel the need to tell you this, via text, every day??

Original poster
GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 13:25

@thinkfast

Some people in life are natural born complainers. I suspect that if you start listing your complaints (in this case business), your relative will start one-upmanship where she starts listing more and more.

Have you ever tried responding with something positive to try to change the tone....along the lines of

Her: I'm so busy today. I have to clean the bathroom and inside all the drawers in the kitchen and collect the kids from school and make them dinner! Don't know how I'll cope!

You: bet you're making something delicious. You're a great cook. We're going to the cinema at the weekend. Looking forward to the film.

That’s pretty much what I do. Or I just ignore.

I’m usually really upbeat when I text her because she loves a misery spiral, like when I let her know about my Aunt (who has made a good recovery!). She pounces on anything negative and responds with how her thing is worse.

OP posts:
Chisontoast · 10/11/2021 13:25

Honestly, just mute her and reply once every few days or once a week or something. Saves you getting stressed and may make her realise you’re genuinely too busy to be dealing with this on the daily.

AandWsMum · 10/11/2021 13:25

Have you ever considered that everyone feels differently about what they can cope with. Maybe she feels genuinely busy and stressed, and is looking for some support but can’t say it?

Everyone has a lot going on in their lives and just because you are objectively busier doesn’t make you superior.

Mantlemoose · 10/11/2021 13:27

I think you're being really judgemental.

thevassal · 10/11/2021 13:27

Honestly if it's annoying you that much then yes play the game if you think it will make her stop. A day or two of you responding "haha wow only doing some ironing and meeting a friend for lunch would be my idea of an amazingly relaxing day, I'm so jealous. I've already x y z and then I need to a b c and that's before I even start work for the day!" And she'll soon give up. Sometimes (as long as you're not actively insulting someone by retaliating) it's OK not to take the high road. P