‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Busy isn't a competition.
Tiredness isn't a competition.
Live & let live because all this sounds bloody exhausting!
OK, you're busier than her. Big deal.

YANBU - of course she isn’t really busy!!
I think based on your life (career, kids, dogs, large house) she has an inferiority complex so feels it necessary to justify her SAHM status.
I have a similar life to you OP with a FT senior management position, DH working FT, 2 teenagers, 2 dogs, decent sized house and garden, we seem to manage everything albeit sometimes super busy! Your relative is a non-worker who has the time each day to list her activists and talk herself up, I would find that incredibly tone deaf and annoying!! So in answer to your question yes text her back with your list of activities (at midnight when you have finished your day) and let her see what an actual busy day looks like

She sounds tiresome and obviously has nothing else in her life to talk about. If anything to me she sounds a bit jealous of you and your achievements and bolsters herself up to be "so busy" as a way of building her self up.

I'm not sure why you're getting so many negative comments. It's clear you're not looking down on her, but just listing things as a fair comparative.

I think your doing the right thing. Reply as short and little as possible. She doesn't sound like someone I would like in my life. Especially as she tried to one up you on your relatives Ill health. Says alot about her tbh. Put in boundaries and say sorry I can't text/talk during working hours. State what these are even it is till gone midnight. Don't engage her during that time. Hopefully she will get the message.

If she doesn't you could always be blunt. . Just never engage in her game. Don't tell her when you have a day off or time to yourself.

Even if she does piss you off about time off, and you make a sarcastic comment such " yes it's lovely, it's what I imagine being unemployed with no dependent children will be like" she wont be able to see it as such, but another opportunity to talk about how busy she is. Just never engage her.

I spent several years as a SAHM due to dc2 having health issues and not attending school full time. I fell into what seemed like a parallel universe where other SAHMs were so busy all the time, with most of the busyness involving housework. They used to say they were busier than those who worked FT, even though they had no other dc at home. Over time I started to think like this, and have anxiety if my chore list was not complete. I think a big part of it was trying to fill in the gap when your youngest dc goes to school, and feeling a bit lost and not having anything 'worthy' to do, so suddenly very mundane tasks are VERY Important. I also noticed these women did an awful lot of decorating and redecorating the same room.
Anyway OP, just nod and agree. It isn't a competition and nothing will be gained by you pointing out that you have more on your plate than her.

I don't think she's being insulting or snide.She sounds overwhelmed. Maybe she has ADHD and gets overwhelmed quickly by daily routines; maybe she has health issues or is going through the menopause and is exhausted by simply existing? Who knows?

Don't get caught up in it. It will only harm your relationship (as it already is doing now). Take the path that it's not personal to you. If you are happy with your workload and managing it then you have nothing really to prove to anyone and can afford to be generous. Commiserate with her that she is so busy (by her standards!) and avoid making it personal or competitive.

Oh I’ve got an anecdote that illustrates her a bit. And yes I am really just having a moan now but I’m off to work in a minute so I’ll snap out if it.

When her DS was a baby, she was visiting. My eldest two were 4&5. It was Christmas time.

She went on a lengthy loud monologue about the importance of everyone making sure they didn’t spill the beans about Father Christmas to her DS until he was old enough, like 10 or 11, she’ll be really upset if he finds out Santa isn’t real while he’s still young.

She said this in front of my children.

Dh and her Dh kept trying to interrupt her and stop her but she carried on. I was young and hadn’t known her long and just sat there like a goldfish.

I think it’s easier to go on about how busy you are when you have the time to! I have an aunt like that. She’s not worked for over 20 years (she’s in her 50s), two adult children, two dogs, semi-retired husband. She seems to spend her life shopping, cleaning, and running around after everyone else. A pathological need to feel useful maybe? Overcompensating for not ‘financially contributing’?

Is she not just lonely and a bit depressed? I know I would be in her shoes…maybe she doesn’t actually want to be a SAHM anymore, but is sort of stuck there?

Ahh, it just goes to show, 'busy' is subjective.

You could "play the game" but what's the end game? You'd be just as irritating as her! Just cut back on contact/ignore the references to business. Everyone has different coping abilities when it comes to "business" some become very overwhelmed very quickly, plus you adapt to your circumstances. I've been in your shoes and her shoes to a degree and I coped worse when I was a SAHM funnily enough as you get used to the slower pace of life and the lack of urgency so when you do have a busier than usual day it can feel frazzling. When I went back to work when my eldest started school I was amazed at the amount I could juggle once I got back into the swing of things.

It really might not be a dig at you.

@GaiusHelenMohiam

It’s hard not to be irritated when she says things like ‘I hope you had a nice lie in, I’m jealous’ when I’ve got a day off.

I don’t get a lie in (well, not during the week) because I have a primary aged child. She knows this. She’s being snide. It’s weird.

Why does she know you’re having a lie in? Why engage? Why tell her this level of detail?

I can empathise with the annoyance from her but you’re in complete control. You don’t have to block her or be rude, but you can silence her messages and read only at the end of the day, if at all. Don’t engage in tit for tat ‘busy’ chat - if it winds you up, just ignore and carry on with your day. And if by doing that it will spark some kind of family politics/war, then they sound bonkers and you’re long overdue a catalyst!

She sounds incredibly self centred and not very bright based on that anecdote, OP!!

I have a family member like this who is 'so busy all the time' and not only does she tell me how busy she is I get it from other members of the family telling me how busy X is and no one ever thinks I might be busy too.

Don’t waste your time responding. I can’t imagine texting someone about boring household stuff. Who would be remotely interested?

You have enough on your plate. Just ignore!

Some people think they have to justify their existence on this planet by being constantly busy doing things. I used to be like that, now I'm the opposite. I don't feel the need to 'earn' rest or self care as they are as necessary as work, housework or child rearing to me. So quite often I am busy... busy having a bubble Bath. Busy watching Netflix. Busy doing my nails and listening to music. Busy decorating cupcakes. Busy talking to a friend on WhatsApp. Busy watching YouTube tutorials on up cycling. Busy reading poetry. Busy doing my hair or a home pedicure. Busy drawing or crafting. Busy reading electric toothbrush reviews (or reviewing the one I eventually set me sights on). Or just busy on Mumsnet!

Competitive busyness is so annoying and I find pathologically busy people both exhausting and dull. Even the ones who are doing something so worthwhile and interesting become so single minded if they never take time to rest or think about the other person. Ambitious, driven people I can understand though, but hamster wheel busyness? Like, you get to decide how fast you go hamster, so slow down and enjoy yourself

Dh has just told me that she’s said to MIL it must be so nice to be retired and have so much time to relax…

I think she’s just a bit dim if I’m honest.

Well you chose your ‘busy’ and she chose hers. At least you have time to be on Mumsnet, do it’s not all bad.
Be too busy to reply; she might give up.

If she’s a SAHP to a 15 year old she may well be feeling insecure, presumably that 15 year old will be leaving home in 3-5 years time and she’ll no longer be able to call herself a SAHP.

Alternatively, maybe she really feels she’s busy. My mum used to work and have 3 kids at home, so knows what it is to be genuinely busy - but after she retired and we’d all long left home she’d describe a “really busy day” that involved something like picking up a pair of shoes that had been reheeled and going to the bank.

Don’t play the game, it’s a waste of your time (and it definitely sounds like you’ve got a lot better things to do!)

My FIL does this. He's retired and lives near us. Constantly going on about how busy he is, then he goes on his next cruise etc. He has no idea what our life is like really. I just think he's a bit of an idiot tbh. I understand why you need to rant OP.

Some people like to be a victim. Just reply and say ‘oh poor you, if you’re struggling maybe you should see the go?’

Or tell her you don’t want to hear it because she doesn’t know what busy is.

I have 2 SAHM acquaintances who are best friends. One was telling me how the other one was the busiest person she knew with her dog walks, crafting, cake decorating and church activities.

They both have teenage children and their DHs are high earners.

I just nodded and smiled. It's a different world OP.

I'm a bit like your relative I suppose. I do work but only 30 hours a week, have 3 children and an average sized house. I feel completely run ragged all the time and I'm never sure how to fit everything in. I can't even imagine having a hobby or studying. These days I open a book and can barely get past the first few lines before forgetting what I was even doing! I guess some people are 'good' busy people, and others suck at it.

I remember my cousin going back to work. She was the only person to ever do full time lol. Had no spare time to meet anyone. Its nearly a competition who is busiest. !! Fair dues op you are juggling alot.

@bobsholi

I'm a bit like your relative I suppose. I do work but only 30 hours a week, have 3 children and an average sized house. I feel completely run ragged all the time and I'm never sure how to fit everything in. I can't even imagine having a hobby or studying. These days I open a book and can barely get past the first few lines before forgetting what I was even doing! I guess some people are 'good' busy people, and others suck at it.

3 kids plus thirty hours a week of work sounds absolutely exhausting to me...I'd consider that very very busy.

@Fomomofo

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

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