‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Literally nobody ever does this to me. I have four children, a croft (small farm thingy), a business and an elderly and not terribly useful husband. I work 105 hours a week and I'm also studying three Open University units.
I don't moan about it (no fecking time!) but I must look perpetually frazzled. Perhaps it's the fear of losing a game of Busy-ness Top Trumps that keeps them away, who knows? It might be the Death Glare though.

I worked full time, was doing my professional exams and had a few voluntary roles including treasurer of the rugby club. The club secretary and I exchanged meaningful glances.

Here you are. 🥇

@MrsPnut

One of my favourites was a mum at the rugby club telling me that she’d love to help out but she works. She did one morning a week at the CAB.

I worked full time, was doing my professional exams and had a few voluntary roles including treasurer of the rugby club. The club secretary and I exchanged meaningful glances.

Maybe she gave working as her excuse because she didn’t want to be part of the clique-y ‘meaningful looks’ gang?

@Spanielsarepainless

I would say the opposite, how relaxed and chilled out you are, walking the dogs on long country walks, doing some restorative gardening, what a wonderful marriage you have, sharing things with DH, gorgeous meals. Don't start competitive busyness. It's more exhausting than just being busy.

That is usually my tone with her tbf, when she asks what I’m doing. Nice relaxing walk with the dogs, date night with DH later etc. I don’t tend to frame my life as exhausting, I like to be positive.

Her reply will be along the lines of oh I wish me and X had time for a date night, I’m always too tired to stay up, I’d love to go for a walk but my legs are tired from Sainsburys.

I think it depends on the type of person you are. When my sister was a SAHM for 10 years she was always busy. Whether that was cooking, doing housework, checking in on her friends, doing favours for others or ferrying the children around. She was brilliant at organising her time, tidied as she went along so her house was always clean. She now has an amazing high flying job and again, is always busy but doing productive stuff.

I on the other hand, am shit at organising my time. I am a SAHM currently studying and I procrastinate, day dream, am on my phone too much and waste a lot of time. Consequently, I get very stressed out, leave things to the last minute and then make out I'm terribly busy, when in fact, I'm not, I just waste time.

I rarely clean because "I'm so busy", and I rarely make plans with friends for the same reason. I feel awful as my husband moves things around so much to accommodate me, I'm just really bad at doing stuff and planning my own time. I wish I was better at it, but I'm even doing it right now, on here. I probably piss off a lot of my friends I rarely make time for them, but that's because I feel I should be studying, even though when I sit down to study I do very little!

If your friend is like me, she'll have very little self esteem, and will probably be making out she's so busy to justify the fact she's rubbish in other areas.

If you’re only replying to one in a dozen then even more reason to mute - if you have an iPhone you can hide alerts from her number, if WhatsApp you can mute for x amount of time. I have my MIL and BIL muted because I got fed up of having to field their messages and now leave it all to DH which makes me infinitely happier.

Just ignore her!

I put YABU to not tell her that you don't need her daily texts. I would have told her that ages ago but I tend to be blunt with people. Once told someone I wrote to regularly that their letters were boring. Don't think it went down well but they were boring.

Why do people seem to think that being busy is praiseworthy? I was busy all my life but retired now. Not dressed yet, sitting on the sofa with DP with tv on and browsing the net. I might go out soon and do a bit of shopping. I might not. What difference does it make? I don't feel guilty, especially as I've got a heavy cold. I can be busy another day...

I wonder if she's just lonely? Maybe she's reaching out to you but doesn't have anything to say, really. If she sees you as a busy person, then she might be thinking that she's making conversation that you can relate to.

Of course, she could just be irritating, but your world can really shrink when you are at home all the time.

About 20 years ago, when dh and I were juggling jobs, small children, housework etc my MIL used to drive me up the wall with weekly rundown of how busy she had been. "on Monday I went to the library, on Wednesday I had to go and pay the paper bill, we went our for lunch on Thursday, its been exhausting". Her world was so limited/narrow that this did seem busy to her.
I think you have to tell her how annoying you're finding her and ask her to stop doing it. If she takes umbrage then so be it.

I don't think anyone is busy if just doing regular school runs, work and household stuff, that's just general life. Busy only kicks in when the time that you have after those things gets taken up with kids doing stupid sports or hobbies with added responsibilities eg committees, councils etc. (not relaxing on the sofa and doing nothing )

My mum is a bit like this - she was a SAHM from when my DSis was born and never returned to work full time. She often makes jibes about working women who are "superwoman", and she constantly tells me how busy my sister is. My sister doesn't work - she and her husband are financially independent - but she is the kind of person who volunteers in the community and keeps herself active all day long.

I work full time, but my mum doesn't seem to think I could be busy.

For my mum I think she felt a bit criticized for not working. It doesn't bother me - I obviously benefitted from having a FT mum at home, but it's as if my mum thinks other people will look down at her for being lazy and not working. Therefore she had to tell people how busy she was all the time (she was, another person who volunteered and ran everything). Even now she's nearly 80 and disabled, she still justifies her activities every day and tells me how "busy" she is and how she's been doing gardening/cleaning etc.

Thankfully, she hasn't really got the hang of WhatsApp so there are no daily messages. When we're talking I just let her tell me how busy she is and nod along, then encourage her to sit back and smell the roses.

My DMum can be like this but she had decades of her IL - my DGP- PA digs at her - even when she worked multiple p/t jobs and did everything at home - so I think defensiveness got ingrained.

It can also be a reaction/pushback of other people being free with someone else's time and labour which can be depressing common.

Could also be her life has slowed down over the years so much and she hasn't grasped that or massive insecurity.

I'm not sure it matters what driving it but more how it makes you feel and how to respond.

I have had people with much cusher exprinces than me moan at me it - you can try a gentle pushback or just not engage change subject -see if that changes the behavior or do it back- or smile and nod move on and internally eye roll and accept that's how they are.

What I usually end up doing a mix of all three as while I can change behavior for a while and do when it's getting me down it does tend to revert unless something I have no control over changes in their lives.

Her texts sound self absorbed and tedious. Would ignore and avoid passive/aggressive responses. Just text her much less!

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

You're missing the point. OP isn't judging her life choices or feeling superior. She's just fed up of this woman constantly texting about how busy she is, when she clearly has a less busy life than OP. OP isn't criticising her choices, she's just saying she wants to hear less about them!

Honestly I do think that if she feels overwhelmed with her day's tasks then she's sharing that because she knows you might relate to the feeling. You can feel busy and still have a shorter list, you don't know how much those tasks can take it out of someone else, even if to you it seems easy. İt doesn't seem competitive at all. That's her list and she's sharing it.
My mum actually does do the thing you're trying to label your friend with, where she literally does nothing, goes nowhere and she will count making herself lunch and rearranging some curtains as busy and tell you how exhausted she is. Your friend however sounds like she is busy but just not as mega busy as you feel. Give her a break.

I havent got time to read the whole thread (far too busy; only have a 30 min lunch break! 🤣😉) but I did read your posts, OP.

I think your relative sounds like a bore and I would just stop replying. I think it would really irritate me to be honest. No point in competitive busy-ness, but if there was, you’d win! 😉

OP’s relative is not U to have her thoughts/ feelings about her situation and problems. She is U to frequently text OP moaning about it!

I’m so busy- going shopping and then lunch with a friend omg I can’t cope. Well that’s just bragging, isn’t it. Ironing and Sainsbury’s run are also hardly trading Hong Kong stock exchange.
I think what she means by this busyness bragging is that she ‘keeps busy’, ya know, like pensioners do. They go for the senior’s lunches on a Thursday, then bridge on Friday. Bingo on Saturday. Church on Sunday. Etc etc.

What doesn't seem to have been taken into account here (and IME it never is, when it comes to competitive busy-ness) is that different people have different health and energy thresholds. You shouldn't judge your relative on her day simply because to you it doesn't appear as busy as yours. In particular, given she keeps saying how tired she is, this suggests something like chronic fatigue to me. (I speak as a sufferer - I have many days when moderate levels of busy-ness can feel like I have mountains to climb.)

Don't get me wrong, I'd be irritated by the messages too, but I do wonder if she is trying to make people 'hear' that she isn't coping.

She thinks she's busy.
She feels busy.
She wants you to think she's busy.

Just don't care what she thinks. Disengage. Respond to the texts as minimally as possibly.

Her thoughts about her busyness are nothing to do with you. She tries to make you think about them by texting you. Choose not to.

Often a task or chore expands to take as long as you've got. Sonetimes in quiet periods at work (although luckily for me we haven't had one for ages!) I feel really unproductive and something that might normally take half an hour seems to take all afternoon. Other times when time is tight I'll be surprised how much I get done. Same at home.

And now I’ve spent my one morning off with her in my head space, moaning about it myself ffs.
Again that is your choice you're projecting your stress onto her instead of sorting it out.
If it wouldn’t cause ww3 I’d block her.
It is okay to stop being friends with her, she irritates you.
You don't like her, be honest you have grown apart.
There are no prizes for being a martyrdom look around at ways of improving your time.
Dropping her will help.

She sounds quite depressed and anxious to me. People like her can be very draining on their friends and family with their frequent need to offload and gain reassurance. Once you’ve seen it, it’s easier to brush it off. She doesn’t think about you and your life other than in the context of moaning about hers.