‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

My dad does this and it is incredibly annoying. No I do not have sympathy for your busy day going to the supermarket when we’re both juggling stressful jobs and 2 small children. Drives me mad. He tried to lecture me on being more organised the other day and it made me so angry.

It's just competitiveness with a smattering of insecurity on her part. Just ignore it, don't reply!

Sounds like she is busy and she clearly feels she is, but I agree with you, it’s odd and it’s like she wants to make it a competitive thing.
Btw OP, I think it’s incredible how much you do! I certainly couldn’t do it

I have a friend like this. SAHM to two teens. It’s a joke. I don’t mention what i do anymore, it’s boring to other people.

Crikey OP I think the only one who is ’competitive somehow’ just might be you

I completely sympathise. I have one these. A friend. Not texting every day but every time we meet, or a few times a week we'll chat, its the exact same.
Shes exhausted, shes soooooo busy, she had a nightmare at the drycleaners, Sainsburys was heaving, DC needed taking somewhere, just can't find time to pop to the garden centre this week, hair appointment was rearranged, it goes on.

She too doesn't work. DC are 14 and 17. She has a cleaner FFS, someone who sorts the majority of the garden and outdoor stuff like a handy man type person too, a husband who sorts dc lifts etc for evening clubs or when they are out with friends. She doesn't even cook often, its always i'm too busy to cook today we'll grab a takeaway or DH can whip something up. And someone who does her ironing.

I have no idea how she is so exhausted and busy!

And then she'll end it all with, oh I know you must be quite busy too.

I love her to bits but she must be so compltely clueless. I think because she has literally never had to do anything really in terms of juggling work, housework, ironing, cleaning, washing, kids. She doesn't do any of that as always had people to do it for her. But its does frustrate me sometimes I'll admit how she must have zero clue what being busy is actually like!

@boomboomshakalakalakaboom

Actually on reflection this is the perfect example of when the thumbs up emoji excels itself.

Just 👍🏻 each message.

Ha! Yes this

It's performative busy-ness because for some reason people think that being busy makes them virtuous.

After some health issues I stopped playing that game and realised that pursuing busy-ness is silly, and it's even more silly to get into a competition over who is the most busy.

Her texts would annoy me, but then I also get irritated when people pack their lives full and complain they're busy.

With ppl like this when they text don't reply for 1-2 days. Don't encourage conversation, don't ask questions

Maybe she feels like you would think less of her if she didn't prove to you how busy she is, because you have such a busy job and so many children? I don't think she's trying to compete with you, I think she just feels a bit threatened or perhaps a bit small. I'd just ignore her busy texts and change the subject.

She’s insecure and looking for validation. If you love her can you not just give it to her? What does it really matter to you!

This sounds like quite a mean thread where only women with multiple children are actually busy - I have one child and some pets and a job, by the OPs standards she one upped me massively - all seems totally smug

It doesn't sound like you like her much, OP. She approaches busyness and dealing with stress - whether or not you agree she 'should' be stressed - by talking about it, venting rather than seeking solutions. You're a get-on-with-it-person.

If that's the actual issue - that you don't like her way of coping with what feels busy and stressful to her - then... don't be friends with her. Fade away a bit. Save yourself some of your precious busy time.

If you're just annoyed cos you think she doesn't have a right to feel busy or stressed by it, YABU. Everyone's capacity to cope with stuff is different. 5 years ago, struggling unknowingly with an undiagnosed and untreated condition, having one thing in my day that wasn't work felt like the most enormous amount of stress and like my calendar was packed. I've got no kids, a normal 40-hr a week job, but having to go to the tip, take my car for an MOT and see my mum in the same week felt like a Herculean task that I couldn't mentally cope with - no doubt to someone like you that seems absolutely ridiculous, a few extra hours in a normal working week. But to me it was insurmountable and I was constantly talking about how overwhelmed I was by what seemed to many people like ordinary or minimal stuff because I didn't understand why I was SO stressed by it. Thankfully, I had kinder, more understanding friends who saw that for me, that stress and feeling of having too much to do was real.

(I'm not saying your friend has an undiagnosed condition, btw. Just that there are very much varying levels of capacity to cope with stuff, and looking down on your friend for not having the same level of capacity as you is a bit shit.)

OP, I've got one of these 'friends'. She so goddamn busy and stressed that she's just constantly posting photos on Instagram of herself riding horses and swimming in lakes. I say 'friend' because it's done now as a relationship. She needs someone who can be understanding of the 'awful stress' she has to deal with, and who isn't a massive bitch like me. Not suggesting you're a bitch, but I have had to question whether it's fair on either me or this other person for us to be friends. She annoys me and we pretty much have nothing in common. Maybe it's the same for your friendship.

It's all comparative isn't it. My nan thinks she's busy when it's bin collection day and she has to put the bins out or ring to arrange an appointment.

To most people these things are non events.

Of course she's not as busy as you but in her world she feels as though she is busy.

Do you know if she texts anyone else or just you? Texting anyone 10 times a day is weird and an imposition on other people's time.

I think I'd start coming over all concerned and suggest she should see a doctor if she's always tired. And if the texts and moaning carries on, block her because it's like she's offloading on you but not doing anything constructive about her 'hard' life.

One of my favourites was a mum at the rugby club telling me that she’d love to help out but she works. She did one morning a week at the CAB.

I worked full time, was doing my professional exams and had a few voluntary roles including treasurer of the rugby club. The club secretary and I exchanged meaningful glances.

The thing is, busyness isn't a fixed thing. My 'busy' might be your 'easy day', and that isn't or shouldn't be any kind of moral judgement on either of us.

If busy for her is busy for her, let it be.

She could literally stay in bed all day and it wouldn’t affect anyone else negatively.

It doesn't sound as if you appreciate your relationship with her if you think her life is so utterly pointless. What a cold, patronising way to talk about a 'friend'.

I’d be happy to leave her to her own busyness bubble! And I don’t doubt that she feels her life is busy. But I don’t want to be the person she complains to about it all the time, especially when it’s all optional and makework. It grates.

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

First post nails it. I guarantee there are things in the OP’s life she is busy with that I think are unnecessary.

People have different levels of coping. One person’s ‘busy and stressed’ is another’s ‘walk in the park’. Perhaps her threshold is lower than yours?

There’s also the issue of “busy = interesting or important” and “not busy = lazy and boring”. ‘Busy’ is generally a good thing in UK culture, so I think people feel pressure to be busy, even if they are not. I used to be busy, alongside caring responsibilities and a stressful job, I am less so now as I am no longer a carer and am not in the same high-stress profession. ‘Not busy’ is better for me. My stress levels are lower, my migraines are fewer and my relationships with my family are better.

@harveythehorse

She could literally stay in bed all day and it wouldn’t affect anyone else negatively.

It doesn't sound as if you appreciate your relationship with her if you think her life is so utterly pointless. What a cold, patronising way to talk about a 'friend'.

I dunno why people are wilfully misunderstanding that. It’s in response to her saying she’s soooo tired and wishes she could go back to bed. She could. Nothing stopping her.

But I don’t want to be the person she complains to about it all the time, especially when it’s all optional and makework. It grates.

So block her texts.

I would say the opposite, how relaxed and chilled out you are, walking the dogs on long country walks, doing some restorative gardening, what a wonderful marriage you have, sharing things with DH, gorgeous meals. Don't start competitive busyness. It's more exhausting than just being busy.