‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Competitive businesses.

I have a friend exactly like this. I actually think she's a very anxious person who feels overwhelmed by tasks that others find mundane and easy. Also when a mutual friend told us her mum had just dropped dead unexpectedly she (the 'busy' friend) started saying "Oh I know how you feel. My mum broke her ankle 2 years ago. It was so stressful and upsetting". I was like WTF? But she means well, she just doesn't know what to say a lot of the time. Maybe your relative is like this - quite anxious, easily overwhelmed and socially inept. I wouldn't bother trying to compete with her. It sounds like your busy life goes over her head. I'd just send breezy, vague replies and forget about her for the rest of the day.

@SallyWD

I have a friend exactly like this. I actually think she's a very anxious person who feels overwhelmed by tasks that others find mundane and easy. Also when a mutual friend told us her mum had just dropped dead unexpectedly she (the 'busy' friend) started saying "Oh I know how you feel. My mum broke her ankle 2 years ago. It was so stressful and upsetting". I was like WTF? But she means well, she just doesn't know what to say a lot of the time. Maybe your relative is like this - quite anxious, easily overwhelmed and socially inept. I wouldn't bother trying to compete with her. It sounds like your busy life goes over her head. I'd just send breezy, vague replies and forget about her for the rest of the day.

Your friend sounds like a total arsehole! Who the hell compares a relative dying to a relative breaking their ankle? So weird!

@Tillysfad

No one in mumsnet is that busy.

I'd beg to differ. I find that pretty patronising 😒. Personally I'm a 'busy' single mum of 2, and I come here even if it's for 5 minutes or if it's for an hour at night when the kids are asleep and I know I should be in bed! Everyone seems to be so judgemental! Nobody can tell people what they can & can't do with their time! 'Wasting' time on here is, for some people, me included, that one little bit of escapism from what is often a demanding and lonely day! OP, I can't find the comment, but someone suggested along the lines of 'maybe she has a vitamin deficiency' I'd already read your post which said she's 'not the only one to be an older mum or ever be peri-menopausal'. I'd like to add that, being an older mum myself, in peri, for most people it really is utterly exhausting. I often feel like I've been hit by a juggernaut. I've never known fatigue like it. Add to that the joint pain and a host of other equally horrible symptoms. It's a struggle some days just to get myself dressed, let alone care for another person and run the house. I think a little empathy would go a long way. Menopause really can make you feel like you've 'lost yourself'. Self esteem is an issue. I agree that maybe she is seeking validation. To her, she probably feels like she's climbed Everest! Maybe bring up the subject with her? She may confide in you, for recognising it. If it's not that, just draw out your responses longer, and don't feel so obliged to comment, change the subject! 😁

Don't compete, it will be a total waste of time. She probably needs validation. Try a thumbs up and smiley face everytime! Some people have better life management skills than others, you should be grateful if you like your life, otherwise change it. You need to think about yourself and your health.

Two alternate viewpoints:

1. maybe she see’s you’re busy and so feels like this is a way to build rapport with you, maybe it’s a genuine attempt to connect because she has a very different lifestyle and interest.

2. iEverything is relative to your own experience, perhaps she doesn’t see it the way you do and genuinely feels busy abs stressed by her life and is looking for empathy - it’s not very reciprocal but perhaps she is genuinely struggling with her mental health - sometimes depression/anxiety ect can manifest in people being very introspective and unaware/uninterested of others concerns.

Why would anyone text another person the minute by minute break down of their day?

Same as people who are constantly “tired” with no visible lifestyle reason to be tired 🙄

The only time I babble on about being "busy" is when I don't want to see or talk to someone as much as they want to see/talk to me.

Is it that? Probably not?

Maybe she feels self-conscious about not having a full time job, so she wants to make herself sound productive, because she perceives you as someone who might judge her negatively for not being productive?

Could you ask her?

Like, just say... "Why do you always tell me how busy you are? haha". Even if she won't give you the real reason, you're basically calling her on it.

Sometimes you just have to be straight up.

(Says the girl who pretends she's really busy to avoid people...)

It’s all relative, I think. That is a busy day for her. Having just had our home lives turned upside down (unexpectedly fostering two relatives children) I thought I was busy with two children (6 and 2) but am now extra busy with two teenagers and the associated SW visits and meetings on top. I guess if most people stepped in your shoes, they would struggle to manage but as you say, it’s just real life for you so you’ve adapted to it over time as we have.
Maybe she is very aware of how busy you are and doesn’t want to appear inadequate around you so feels she has to justify how she spends her time. Either way, unless you feel there is any malice behind it, I’d just let it go and humour her.
Good luck with your studies, hope the hard work pays off x

@GaiusHelenMohiam

Look, she is a wind-up merchant. She loves to wind people up, it is her hobby. You are wound up. She’s doing well.

How do you not get wound up? You can’t change her, you can only change you.

Maybe
Just smile and wave
Provoke her into saying crazy things for your own amusement. ‘Oh I have five days off and I am going to clean the floor with a toothbrush’
Have a list of replies that you just cut and paste from.

At the moment you are her little fishy and she’s got you hook, line and sinker

@Fomomofo

All your activities are totally optional, your career, your studies, your kids, your dogs, your big house, you chose all that

Exactly this!

I’m genuinely bemused by most of the comments on here. Talk about missing the point entirely 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I get it. I am a SAHM to 3 boys (youngest is autistic so the dynamics change a bit there). This would piss me off too in reverse if I had a working mum telling me EVERY SINGLE DAY how busy she is. Why?! Why?! I don’t get it. I never get a minute to myself but I don’t need to tell anyone about it. I chose to have 3 children and to be a SAHM. Why would anyone else give two f*s about that in all honesty? I have no issue whatsoever with a friend or relative telling me they’re having a hard time about how busy they are and asking for advice. It takes a village and all that. But using you as moaning post every day and doing zero about it?! NOPE!

I would just ignore those texts and only engage in the subjects you want to. If she asks why you aren’t replying just say because you’re busy 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have a relative who often texts me to say how busy they are. But all the stuff they tell me they have had to do is just the same stuff that pretty much everyone has to do. My relative doesn't work (no kIds and no reason not to except they just don't want to and can afford not to). So many people have to do what they do and work and have other responsibilities too, and never go on about how busy they are. It's just life. You get on with it.
So I think you're not at all unreasonable. I think they are being unreasonable to keep going on about it.

It's all relative 🤷🏻‍♀️

just text back that you're struggling to keep up with her txt messages as you've to much to do, could she condense them into a weekly message?

@GaiusHelenMohiam this is actually hilarious and reminded me of a time.
I was working full time with 3 kids. 1.5 hours commute each way. I used to get up early to make the dinner before I went to work so that it was all at the ready.
My husband one day couldn’t pick my son up from football training so I went home got the car then drove to pick him up. When I was there my friend (SAHM) said I have had such a day shopping and housework etc. I was nodding along 😀 Her DH then turned up and she said we’ve got to have a takeaway tonight as I’m exhausted. My mouth hung open. I think OP this is the sort of thing you mean? But then again I think when we work we know every minute counts so we are super organised. 🤷‍♀️ X

Women seem to be peculiarly susceptible to competitive busy-ness. See also competitive kindness, competitive parenting and competitive baking.

@MrsLighthouse that’s a very closed minded comment. People can be tired for so many other reasons than just their ‘lifestyle’…. Ie.. hormones, not sleeping well, poor mental health, also… I found being a SAHM with less to do,,, MORE tiring, its ok for people to be tired without having done anything YOU decide is tiring

I’m a single mum running two businesses, so her day sounds like an absolute delight to me 😂

It would annoy me too though. I have relatives who do the same, bang on about how busy they are when they’re practically retired (work one day a week) and spend the rest of their time doing their hobbies.

Not saying YABU but could simply be a question of having different perspectives. For example, before we had children, I was working full time and was very annoyed when a SAHM ‘volunteered’ me for something that required me to sacrifice an entire day at the weekend. Her logic was if I didn’t have children, I didn’t have anything to do at the weekend. At the time I thought she was being lazy/selfish as she had the entire week to do her shopping, cleaning, laundry etc and I had to do it all at the weekend. My view changed when we had children.

Ignore the texts. When you eventually reply say you’ve been too busy to reply. Or, if that sounds too passive aggressive, only reply once a week. Blank it. Not worth it.

@Beautifulday345 you may have a point. Now I work part time and I find my most productive days are when I’m working because I’m focussed. Days off can just pass by and it may feel like it’s all go but actually not much has happened 🤣

I’d reply and say “if you’re so busy perhaps you should stop texting me and save yourself some time”

@GaiusHelenMohiam each time she texts ask her a question about she is saying. Thinks like “why have u chosen this if you feel that way” “have you enjoyed xyz etc” just keep asking questions and don’t divulge anything about your day, therefore you remove the ‘competition’ and she will get tired of having to justify and when she rants just say....that’s nice dear and move on.