‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

@GaiusHelenMohiam

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

people fill their days accordingly, what may seem a busy day for her isnt for you, its what you have become used to doing.

then there are those of the tik toc variety that like to make themselves seem like they got their shit sorted! despite all the things life is throwing at them and they really think that the world and its wife should know just how much they need to deal with each day.

there is a simple thing you can do tho, BLOCK HER NUMBER if she is annoying you that much, if you ever bumped into her and she said anything, just say you have been too busy to even read your phone messages to notice, but your sure it would be the same as the rest of her messages in the past

Do you contact her daily so she's looking for an excuse why she can't talk/go for a coffee etc with you?

I'd mute her.. so annoying.

I always get asked by friends and family to do stuff and I'm similar to you work stupid hours multiple dogs etc all my choices. But seem to never come across as busy somehow.

Also people here are being unnecessarily unkind to op. The family member seems oblivious to all around her and I’m sure would drive anyone nuts.

@GaiusHelenMohiam

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

It sounds like she is trying to value and justify her worth, because deep down she feels the need to compete with you and by the sounds of it she sounds extremely self conscious and anxious. So, get down off your high horse and give her some praise. You just might make her day.

You can choose to be nice, or you can continue to make yourself sound superior. At the end of the day, you have chosen to work the hours that you do to prove what when? Money cannot buy you time.

Maybe she admires you, but you make her feel worthless? The husband also sounds like he has very little esteem and needs to prove his worth.

Before I go on, your life could be my life. I work full time from home and I'm also studying full time, 3 children, husband, house, pets etc. Nobodies problems are lesser because someone feels they have it worse.

So, you can be kind or continue to be a braggart. She may even have gotten her attitude from you, because behaviour is learned - You felt the need to tell everyone here in great detail about your life and it wasn't just for context; you need to ask yourself why that was.

You chose (presumably) to have 3 kids, 2 dogs, large house and study so you cant then complain about being busy. She feels busy but hasn't thought through her audience that well and realised that to you, she wont seem busy. Its all relative though.

@GaiusHelenMohiam but your choices are just as optional as hers.
You didn’t have to have 3 children, a stressful job with long hours and a bigger house.
You could have a cleaner and a nanny and be less busy but I’m assuming that’s a cost issue.
You’re both busy with your own life’s. Neither is more important than the other.

She's insecure because she doesn't have a demanding job like you do. She wants to demonstrate her own self-worth.

I would cut her some slack.

@Severntrent

You chose (presumably) to have 3 kids, 2 dogs, large house and study so you cant then complain about being busy. She feels busy but hasn't thought through her audience that well and realised that to you, she wont seem busy. Its all relative though.

The Op ISN’T complaining about being busy!

She’s complaining about someone who could easily NOT be busy banging on about it endlessly.

I have a friend like this OP. I let her get it of her chest then move the conversation on. She could never commit a serious crime because she gives me chapter and verse if he daily routine 😂

@GaiusHelenMohiam
Sounds like she's trying to justify her choices because she's aware that other people (school mums, some MN users, you) will judge her (she doesn't work, has a small house, one child). Three people in a house is plenty of work. Mind you she has the time to message you about her busyness. I'm wondering why you are critical of her cleaning every day, when in your post you say your partner does daily housework? Everybody's lives are busy, with probably more going on than we observe from the outside. She's made her choices, so have you (the number of hours you work, kids/pets you have). Us women have got to stop judging, criticising and nitpicking at each other, life is hard, let's support each other (and our choices).

Oh my god I could have written this message. I have 3 kids including baby who doesn’t sleep at back at work every morning (he’s in nursery). I have 1 hour between finishing work and picking him up on a Friday so arranged to meet friend (2 kids at school and doesn’t work at all). She’s adamant I need to come meet her near hers (we live 20 mins away from each other) as she’s so swapped. Her to do list on Friday - yoga (just at home not in a class), calling a plumber and picking up dry cleaning. Honestly she’s on another planet. This constant “I’m so busy” message from her has started really getting to me and I’ve distanced myself from her as I’m sick of making the effort when I am genuinely swamped.

It's not a competition, don't get drawn into tit for tat. She clearly feels the need to prove something. You know the truth you don't need to put it out to a "who is busiest" vote : award.

Her messages are clearly pissing you off, the woman is delusional, but why allow her to get into your head like that? I personally would be thinning her out. It's not conducive for you to have someone whining to you like that as it will make you feel hard done by with what you have on your plate.

I knew someone like this - just her and her husband at home, worked a couple of mornings a week. We used to catch the same bus, and I made it my mission to get her to say something positive. ‘Lovely day, isn’t it?’ ‘Well, this time last year I had a terrible cold..’ Facepalm

@GaiusHelenMohiam

She knows our situation, she knows I work crazy hours, she obviously knows we have dependant kids and responsibilities and things.

I’m probably not explaining it well but her attitude is very definitely that she is busier than me, specifically. It’s weirdly competitive and has gone on for years despite the fact I never play along.

When her ds was starting school she instigated a conversation with me and another friend who both have three kids and full time jobs about how she couldn’t possibly go out to work because she has a child. Not even in a SAHM/wOHM sense, just that it would be impossible for her. Different for us of course, just impossible for her.

It’s really hard to explain, but she does this a lot. Her life is so much harder than anybody else’s, no matter in what respect. She’s the oldest person to have ever had a baby (she was 38), she’s the only woman to have ever gone through perimenopause, it’s always so much harder and different for her with everything.

I know someone like this and it is annoying as hell! So I feel you and think some people are trying to turn it around on you, despite the fact they would find it equally annoying in your shoes.

But it is definitely an inferiority complex and need for attention, so feeding it by responding, is likely to just make her do it more, so I would just ignore, ignore, ignore!

It's not a competition as to who has it worse... sounds like you're working too hard and your DH is doing more than 50% to compensate. Everyone's feelings and tiredness are valid, even when one person feels they're more justified to "feel their feelings" At some point your kids will be grown and moved out and you might still be tired by your working pattern even tho you don't have school aged kids, but it's not a competition! If you're happy with your life continue. If you're not, moan like your SIL, but don't whine about how much harder you have it when it sounds like it's not terrible? Everyone's feelings are valid

You sound like the one competing here.

I was far busier in a day when I was stuck at home than I am when I’m out at work daily. I realise how much stuff I actively ignore while working that I’d add to my list of ‘stuff’ to do. Things that no longer seem as important or imperative get left whereas before they’d have been on my endless to do list. It’s easier when you have a set routine of work and home to plan activities but when there is no escape from home (even when working at home) it makes life seem much busier.

I feel for your friend/relative/whatever for the judgemental attitude displayed that her life is so much less busy than yours because it’s filled with things you don’t deem important. You made your choice to have such a busy life just as she chose to live her life her way.

I think being busy is a subjective term. I feel busy because I am older and slower so things take longer than they used to. Some people feel being busy is a virtue and says something about your ability to take on activities and fit a lot into your time. Others may be busy because they don’t manage their time well and don’t achieve much. It’s different for everyone

I would totally reply back listening all the things you can think of that are relaxing.

Like “crikey that sounds exhausting. You really must take some time to relax. Might I suggest drawing yourself a bath and having a nice G&T? I’be just had my 7th bath of the day and feel positively wonderful”.

I have known people like this
I'd say there are 3 categories-

1. retired people, who have been genuinely busy in the past but have forgotten what that is really like- and they may be busy now, but busy with self chosen activities that they do at their own pace. With these people, as long as they don't go on and on about how busy they are just nod and smile.
2. people who are chronically self absorbed and unable to see that other people also are busy and it's tactless to moan to them all the time (or even worse ask them for favours) With these people, maintain your boundaries, don't do them favours, nod and smile but don't engage in competitive busyness
3. people who are insecure- they know that you have loads of responsibilities and maybe feel (projecting perhaps, or perhaps not) that you judge them as being lazy or whatever, hence the need to go on and on. With these people, mute their texts and calls, check them as often as you can stand and reply with non commital replies like 'gosh yes you do sound busy' and that's ALL

I was a sahm for about 5 years. I loved it and was always busy in a good way. Now I’m back at work in a senior role I find it much easier to fit everything in. The busier I am the more efficient I am with my time. I do miss how fit I was when I was a sahm though. If I was you I’d just smile and nod.

She’s texting you about things she thinks you’ll find relatable because she knows you’re busy and doesn’t feel on your level with the big house and career.
It’s an insecurity..

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

I think your OP is a bit muddled.

Are YBU to be annoyed by multiple daily messages about the minutae of someone else's life? No. That would annoy me as well.

Are YBU to be jealous of her life or what you to be her downtime or whatever it is that is causing the resentment you clearly feel towards her? Yes. It sounds like you really need to work through your feelings, because you do sound envious but really your life is largely in your control and you should be able to make at least SOME changes to make your life more manageable for you. Focus on that instead of what she is or isn't doing.

Apologies ftw163532 didn't mean to quote you but the OP.