‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

[GaiusHelenMohiam]

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

Hi OP. Why don't you just ask her not to do it? To say you find it overwhelming (better word than irritating)and don't really know what she wants from you. Why put up with this if it irritates you so much? I don't understand ....

I have! Well I’ve said I’m too busy to answer every text

But I can’t stop her texting me without being rude really. And there’s family politics involved.

OP on another thread about spoofing school whatsapp groups you said all your kids are over the age of 23? Why are you doing the school run then?

I just mute notifications from my sibling when the texts get too much.

Edit - wrong user nevermind

@MangoM

My sister does this all the time too, drives me nuts. I just don't bother replying anymore and if she asks why, I say I'm too busy

I think this is the only appropriate response really

OP I think you're getting an unusually hard time on here and I think your OP and stance are pretty clear. You are not judging her at all. Your issue is she's completely ignorant of your daily life and moans about hers which, objectively is less 'busy' than yours.

To take this analogy further, I have a competitive friend who took it too far with me and I ended up reducing contact. She is competitive about everything and it got ridiculous.

I was diagnosed some years ago and at a relatively young age with kidney failure. I've since been through years of dialysis and recently a transplant. My friend was born without a spleen. I've never heard her mention this much before until I got ill.

Suddenly she was worried for her own health, would message me about how worried she was when she got a cold 'due to her condition' and rarely acknowledged my illness.

When I was on dialysis she said I was lucky as it meant I was forced to work from home (well before covid) and I could just roll out of bed and log on. Whereas her job 'didn't make any exception for her condition'.

Recently she's been cross with me as I've been eligible for the third jab and she isn't. But according to her, she's at just as much risk as me, it's unfair I'm being prioritised as she's had her condition longer and mine gets lots of publicity but hers is 'unknown and rarely spoken about'. I was done at this point!

Competitive friends are truly toxic and I think I would just not respond in future OP!

oh give it a rest.

Hmmm! WTF

OP could be doing this in between anything or doing fuck all.

@sunglassesonthetable gosh, you sound very wound up. Calm down dear!

You also clearly don't understand the concept of busy. Anyone who's truly busy does not have time to post 41 times (and counting) on Mumsnet in the space of 24 hours.

@BlusteringBoobies that’s horrendous, and yes exactly the sort of thing I’m on about. I hope your transplant has made life better for you.

Maybe you should make some time for your children instead of being proud of spending all your time doing importsnt things and sneering at less important relatives.

@Heartdogs

Maybe you should make some time for your children instead of being proud of spending all your time doing importsnt things and sneering at less important relatives.

Wow. Did that make you feel good?

My mum does this. She doesn't work, but will tell me how busy she is. She doesn't have a moment to spare. She does have time consuming hobbies and she helps her friends a lot. Has a pet. It's all mostly optional. But sometimes it grates on me when I've got kids, a job.

But then I work part time, yet I am still very busy. My free time is filled with housework, exercising and lots of kids hobbies. A lot of that is a choice and perhaps to someone working full time they would feel annoyed at my claims to be busy. But that is how I choice to prioritise and those things are important to me.

I also know people who work full time and are forever putting in extra hours to the detriment of their personal life, they could say no, but they are prioritising their career.

You also clearly don't understand the concept of busy. Anyone who's truly busy does not have time to post 41 times (and counting) on Mumsnet in the space of 24 hours.

Clearly you don't understand that telling people who you know zero about, what they do or don't 'understand' is a massive joke. 😄 Particularly what their 'busy' is.

You've got got a touch of OP's relative.

And for the record OP said she's got her feet up doing this. And?

if I want to be massively irritated I will. Cheers.

Cheers but i'll be as IRRITATED as I like 👍🏻
@lllllllllll

@GaiusHelenMohiam

Mind you I think I’m probably quite irritating. I’ve been on MN for ever but don’t often post these days, the last four threads I’ve started have been full of people slating me.

I must be generally unreasonable. Oh well.

No one could accuse you of being thin skinned then! (unreasonable? Yes)

@ADreadedSunnyDay

I don't know why you started this thread tbh OP and your posts are coming across as a bit sneery. You are comparing apples and oranges - maybe her idea of a clean and tidy house are not the same asyours. It is clear you have different priorities and it is coming across that you are envious at some level - but you need to accept the choices you have made are yours - eg I could question why you would have two dogs when you are working such long hours - but I won't because it's your life.

People probably don't understand why I am busy but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and what some people find acceptable, I don't. Eg I cook a lot from scratch and have to deal with special dietary issues, and research adapt/meals that suits the entire family. This takes time and prep as I can't rely on shop bought quick stuff. So cooking dinner often takes me over an hour up to 1.5 hours which people wouldn't understand unless they took time to get my priorities / concerns

This

My sister cleans her bathroom in 5 mins weekly
I put on my marigolds weekly and every surface is cleaned and polished, grooves cleaned, floor stripped and then maintainer down etc. It’s 45 mins min

Just don't read the texts and if she asks why you haven't replied, tell her you were too busy.

I don't understand why you've copped a beating either, @GaiusHelenMohiam. Your OP doesn't suggest that you are envious in any way of her, or that you're sneering at her - just that you wish she'd stop texting you how busy and stressed she is, on a daily basis, when she has it within her power to NOT be without any down-side.

I think there must be a lot of projection on this thread!

I think you sound nice OP and not at all smeery or sneery even!

She'd irritate the fuck out of me too tbh

Quit answering texts and she will move on to the next victim to one up.

@ftw163532

She is busy. With activities you sneer at because you seem to think you're superior and she doesn't recognise it.

It's not her responsibility to validate your life choices. Don't be so judgemental. You're not better than her because you fill your time with different activities.

This!!! Is it a competition as to who is the most busy? I cannot understand why this even bothers you.

This makes me think of DM & DF. I could ask them individually what have you been up to and my DM might reply’ not a lot went up the high St today’. If I ask my DF for doing exactly the same thing he would say ‘ I’ve been very busy I’ve been to the bank, to Morrisons, the butchers, the library’ breaking down every minute thing. Is just a matter of perspective and personality. It’s just boring hearing about the mundane more than anything, but some people like to share. Just ignore the messages.

You ARE busier than her, she IS jealous/ insecure and needs constant validation.
Unfortunately OP you've come to the wrong place for sympathy/ support

Fwiw I totally agree with you ! I see this from time to time. But I think it's all relative.... anyone can fill up their day with stuff. It's all being busy... what the impact on that busyness is, is different... Best to just ignore !

Sounds like she's actually bored and is trying to create a "busy" lifestyle.

Have you ever stopped to think how she might be doing mentally? She might not have the capacity to cope with overloading herself and the thought of doing anything may seem a lot to her. Don't compare yourself to others, everyone is busy and copes in different ways. No one forced you to have 3 kids, a big house, a job, 2 dogs. You could choose to live a simpler life, it is not a competition, she might not prioritise the same things as you in life but her busy is still relevant. Be kind, maybe she needs to tell someone as a way of off loading and that person is you.