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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

‘Busy’ people. Do you do this? Can you tell me why?

630 replies

GaiusHelenMohiam · 10/11/2021 11:10

For context I work 50-60hrs in a demanding management job, I’m studying in my spare (ha!) time, I have three kids, two dogs and a large house and garden with all the associated cleaning and maintenance. I do also have a useful DH, or I’d collapse. He does half school runs, all cooking and the majority of daily housework as he WfH. We are genuinely busy but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it in RL in those terms, it’s just our lives.

I have a relative who likes to CONSTANTLY tell me how busy she is. I mean daily texts. She lists all the things she has to do or has done that day.

She is a SAHM to a 15yo. Her list of things are entirely housework and shopping related. Her house is half the size of mine (so half the time to clean?) but she seems to clean it all day every day. No school runs, no timetable to stick to. Her DH is similarly ‘busy’, and moans about it to my DH, despite WFH and doing zero, and I mean zero housework, and a nice relaxing hobby three times a week.

As a couple they are forever telling us how busy and stressful their lives are, with no self awareness of who they are talking to. It’s quite pointed and clearly deliberate.

I’m posting this off the back of her daily text which has outlined her terribly busy day ahead. Ironing, cleaning the bathroom, Sainsburys shop, lunch with a friend, super busy day, she’s tired at the thought of it.

Shall I play the game and text back? I’ve been up since 6am, walked both dogs, put a wash on, had a shower, did the school run, ran the hoover round, had a coffee, attended an online seminar for an hour. I’m off to actual work in a bit until midnight…

I know from experience though that if I text that she’ll just ignore it until tomorrow’s saga, or try and one up it. I let her know recently that my beloved Aunt had a stroke and was in hospital and she replied telling me about her mums sciatica.

I’m just ranting really but AIBU to think she’s not fucking busy, she’s just insecure (? Maybe?) or competitive somehow?

OP posts:
Keke94LND · 11/11/2021 09:46

Tbf she could probably say that you aren't THAT busy if you have time to complain on Mumsnet

GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 09:47

I’m a manager in an understaffed restaurant. Hospitality hours are always long but at the moment no one has staff.

And honestly I don’t feel like my life is that busy. I make the most of my time off and I absolutely love my job. But I don’t want to constantly hear about her nonsense and how hard she has it.

OP posts:
averythinline · 11/11/2021 09:48

Why are you giving this headspace?
Do u respond..do you need to respond ?

Its all about her self-esteem/validation so unless you actually want to have that sort of counselling conversation with her ....either block/or grey rock.....the less you are interested the more likely it'll reduce..

Life isn't a competition.......sounds like an extension of competitive parenting etc... you can't control what she does/says/ messages but you can control how you feel/respond/message

LemonPeonies · 11/11/2021 09:50

I don't list everything I need to do to send to others, I keep it to myself. But you're lucky your husband does 50%. I work full time as a nurse and have a toddler and do most things myself so I'm pretty busy. I guess it's subjective though isn't it. 1 friend who doesn't work full time has no kids is still apparently to busy to answer my messages 🙃

JumperandJacket · 11/11/2021 09:56

I blame capitalism for making people think that they have to justify their existence through constant references to busyness. Consider the lily etc etc.

Comedycook · 11/11/2021 09:59

I blame capitalism for making people think that they have to justify their existence through constant references to busyness

Agree. People value stuff more than time. I know a woman who has loads of money. They could easily live on her DHS income...but as well, she has her own property portfolio and could easily live off that. She works full time though, has her kids in childcare and rushes around and is exhausted. What a way to live. They could live a fantastic life without her salary...no idea why she does it...but then I massively love doing nothing!

WorraLiberty · 11/11/2021 10:03

Terrible thread to start about a so called 'friend' OP. You're basically inviting complete strangers to criticise her.

If you were truly happy with your life and not green with envy over hers, you really wouldn't be doing this I'm sure.

readingismycardio · 11/11/2021 10:07

No, but you do seem like someone I know through uni. I'm doing my second degree in law, and I work full time. She has 5 children and whines all the time about how busy she is. You sound like her, tbh. Having 3 children was a choice, working 60 hr weeks is a choice as well. Busy is not a badge of honor.

readingismycardio · 11/11/2021 10:08

Sorry, pressed send too soon. And I wish this society would stop glorifying being busy.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 11/11/2021 10:13

It's like you want her to "get it", to concede that you are busier and she is less worthwhile and to fall into line.

It's not going to happen.

For whatever reason she feels the need, she texts CV-style lists. Personally I would keep responses to a minimum. This person would not be my friend. If they were a relative I'd keep the comms brief. But I would understand that they would not change just because I wanted them to.

Patapouf · 11/11/2021 10:13

She can't be that busy if she's got time to send you her written to do list each day 😂
Some people like to be a martyr to their daily chores instead of just bloody getting on with it.

I consider myself busy if I've got lots to do an insufficient time to do it, it's not based on how worthy the task is. I'm definitely someone who ought to clean the bathroom more often than I actually do though...

GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:14

I am not glorifying being busy. I couldn’t give a shit how busy anyone is!

I’m just sick of her moaning at me that she’s so busy and stressed all the time over fuck all. That’s all.

And why do some people always pull the ‘green with envy’ card in threads like this? Of course I’m not envious of her. What a weird thing to say.

OP posts:
lentilsforever · 11/11/2021 10:16

@GaiusHelenMohiam

I’m a manager in an understaffed restaurant. Hospitality hours are always long but at the moment no one has staff.

And honestly I don’t feel like my life is that busy. I make the most of my time off and I absolutely love my job. But I don’t want to constantly hear about her nonsense and how hard she has it.

Read your op

YOU describe your life as “genuinely busy”

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 11/11/2021 10:17

What would actually happen if you told her to stop texting you OP?

GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:17

But actually I suppose I do want her to get it a bit.

When she texts things like ‘oh enjoy your lazy day off, I wish I had time to relax like you do’ I genuinely want to scream.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 11/11/2021 10:18

*Terrible thread to start about a so called 'friend' OP. You're basically inviting complete strangers to criticise her.

If you were truly happy with your life and not green with envy over hers, you really wouldn't be doing this I'm sure.*

She's not writing about her 'friend'. She's writing about her in law. She has said she probably wouldn't be in contact if she wasn't related.

The whole point of MN is that we're all strangers and it can be a good place to vent anonymously.

OP has said she is doing this because she's subjected to daily and constant lists of her relative moaning and listing her tasks and to dos. A problem in itself.

It sounds beyond tedious and a good reason to vent on here.

And even if OP was 'green with envy' - she doesn't sound it , she's repeatedly said she's happy with her life, So what?

lllllllllll · 11/11/2021 10:21

@GaiusHelenMohiam For someone so very busy OP, you seem to have a lot of time to post on Mumsnet. 41 posts since yesterday on this topic alone? Hmmm.

sunglassesonthetable · 11/11/2021 10:21

sorry bold fail below. This was meant to be bold.

*Terrible thread to start about a so called 'friend' OP. You're basically inviting complete strangers to criticise her.

If you were truly happy with your life and not green with envy over hers, you really wouldn't be doing this I'm sure.*

sunglassesonthetable · 11/11/2021 10:24

@GaiusHelenMohiam For someone so very busy OP, you seem to have a lot of time to post on Mumsnet. 41 posts since yesterday on this topic alone? Hmmm.

oh give it a rest.

Hmmm! WTF

OP could be doing this in between anything or doing fuck all.

What complete snark.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 11/11/2021 10:24

I don't know why you started this thread tbh OP and your posts are coming across as a bit sneery. You are comparing apples and oranges - maybe her idea of a clean and tidy house are not the same asyours. It is clear you have different priorities and it is coming across that you are envious at some level - but you need to accept the choices you have made are yours - eg I could question why you would have two dogs when you are working such long hours - but I won't because it's your life.

People probably don't understand why I am busy but I'm a bit of a perfectionist and what some people find acceptable, I don't. Eg I cook a lot from scratch and have to deal with special dietary issues, and research adapt/meals that suits the entire family. This takes time and prep as I can't rely on shop bought quick stuff. So cooking dinner often takes me over an hour up to 1.5 hours which people wouldn't understand unless they took time to get my priorities / concerns

GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:25

[quote lllllllllll]@GaiusHelenMohiam For someone so very busy OP, you seem to have a lot of time to post on Mumsnet. 41 posts since yesterday on this topic alone? Hmmm.[/quote]
I’ve been pretty clear that I was off work yesterday morning and today.

But actually I’ve done the school run, walked the dogs, done the weekly shop online, watered the houseplants and I’m waiting for a call from my boss’s boss. So by her standards I should be on my knees with exhaustion.

OP posts:
GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:27

I’m not at all sneery or envious.

I’m irritated. She irritates me. I’ll get over it.

OP posts:
Pippi1970 · 11/11/2021 10:28

Do you reply straight away? I'd just leave her hanging for a few hours then send an emoji!

GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:28

I usually leave her hanging. Or don’t reply at all.

OP posts:
GaiusHelenMohiam · 11/11/2021 10:30

Mind you I think I’m probably quite irritating. I’ve been on MN for ever but don’t often post these days, the last four threads I’ve started have been full of people slating me.

I must be generally unreasonable. Oh well.

OP posts: